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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Starting to struggle with my mum. Slowly turning into hate?

27 replies

Vickyrrrrr · 31/01/2022 16:10

Okay so I'm 23 and I already have one child from a abusive relationship. I moved back home and have currently been seeing my boyfriend for around a year. I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas and all I have herd from my mum is when is the abortion booked. I understand my situation isn't ideal but I really don't think I can go through with the abortion.

Anyway today I was sat doing my uni work whilst my mum comes in and asks that I am getting the abortion and I won't spring any suprises on her as she would never be able to handle it.

Am I being unfair to think this isn't her place. My boyfriend has money so that isn't a issue and I already am a mum so it's not that my life will change I will literally just have to move out.

Please can I have some help I feel so frightened and alone and she only speaks to me about the abortions

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 31/01/2022 16:20

Harranguing you about an abortion is not acceptable.

From your mums point of view, I know I’d be very concerned if you were my child - that after leaving an abusive relationship with your child, you have got pregnant again by a new boyfriend after less than a year together.

I think your mum is making it clear she doesn’t want to, financially and otherwise, support you with another child, in her home.

It’s time to move out and stand on your own two feet now.

changeling86 · 31/01/2022 16:23

Hmm. Are you living in her house with your child? Are you paying rent and bills to her?

Where will you live when the baby is born?

Justmuddlingalong · 31/01/2022 16:31

She has no right to try to sway your decision about carrying on with the pregnancy or having an abortion. But, while you and your current child are living with her, she has every right to highlight that the current living arrangements won't be long term. I think you have to seriously look for alternative accommodation, sooner rather than later.

Thurlow · 31/01/2022 16:33

Of course you should make the decision that's right for you.

But your mum also has a right to know what your plans are if you are living with her

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 16:35

You need to move out.
I can understand her not wanting another baby in the house, but she’s not going about it very well.

Original poster

Vickyrrrrr · 31/01/2022 16:42

Hi thank you all for your help. I fully know the situation isn't ideal I actually couldn't of imagined anything worst as I was on contraception but antibiotics apparently stopped them working or that what the doctor has suspected. However the situation is here now so I'm trying to deal with it all and it's so hard when the one person I want to talk to the most won't actually listen to what I want or my feelings and just tells me to get an abortion as even if I do now get an abortion I feel it would be for her and not making a choice that's right for me. I just feel so alone and my partner wants the baby so talking to him doesn't help as although he is so supportive sometimes I feel like my feelings still aren't heard .

OP posts:

changeling86 · 31/01/2022 16:45

It sounds like the best thing would be to move out op.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2022 16:45

You are totally within your rights to keep the baby, but it's time to grow up and get out of your mother's home. She clearly doesn't want you there and I can't say I blame her. She's done raising kids, it's your turn now and not in her home. Time to go.

Gamechanger2019 · 31/01/2022 16:46

Get moved out!

Electricbug321 · 31/01/2022 16:52

What was your relationship like with her before this?

It does sound a bit immature to not have an abortion because it would feel like your mums idea. You are a grown woman, you need to put the needs of your current child and yourself first.

If you choose to have the baby can you support it? What if it doesn’t work with your BF and he pays nothing? Who will take care of your baby when you are studying? What impact will this have on your first child?

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2022 17:07

@Vickyrrrrr

I am gobsmacked that in this day and age that the problem with antibiotics and contraception isn't spelled out in bright neon at every clinic visit and communication.

However, you are where you are.
You are young, you are already a mum. You are a student - do you work at all? What are your future plans?

If you live with your mum is there room for another? And do you not think it's too much to ask anyway?

Is your BF working or is he a student too? Can you both afford to live together?

I understand why you don't want an abortion but how far along are you? You need to think about everyone's future here. Including your existing child. Does your mum provide childcare?

MatildaTheCat · 31/01/2022 17:14

Contact your GP and ask for an urgent referral for pregnancy counselling or look online. Your head is all over the place and whilst your DM is being unreasonable in her attitude she’s maybe got a point that you aren’t in a position to have a baby now.

Where are you up to in your degree and do you have any work. Does DM currently provide any childcare?

Move out if you possibly can, talk to someone independent and make your decision without pressure from anyone else.

A580Hojas · 31/01/2022 17:23

Don't hate your mother for not wanting you plus a young toddler plus a newborn all living in her house. Surely you can see thats unreasonable?

FilledSoda · 31/01/2022 17:44

I think it is her 'place' to comment on your family planning when you are literally living in her place.
Do what you want but you need to be independent and have your own home . You can't have it both ways .

Justcashnosweets · 31/01/2022 17:49

Did you mention to your Mum that you wanted an abortion? Is that why she keeps mentioning it? If not then she is out of order. However, you really do need your own place if you choose to have a second child.

Hoppinggreen · 31/01/2022 17:52

It’s your body and of course your right to choose
However, if I was your Mum I would want to know your plans and as you live with her she has a right to know
You are young, not in a stable relationship with the father of your previous child or this one and dont have a job. Your Boyfriend “has money” but you don’t so given all that I can completely understand why she may feel termination is the way to go. But as I said it’s ultimately up to you
As for antibiotics affecting contraception it’s pretty rare. They dont interfere with eachother per se but the antibiotics can affect your stomach and make other medication pass through the stomach more quickly than usual and so less is absorbed. Whatever happens please look at your contraception choices as they dint seem effective at the moment.

Fireflygal · 31/01/2022 17:54

How old is your child? Are they in nursery or childcare?

Practically it will be difficult to manage 2 children,study and fund yourself. It is a risk to rely on a boyfriend of a year. Are you close to finishing study so you can work?

Original poster

Vickyrrrrr · 31/01/2022 19:11

Hi no my mum has never provided childcare my son and his dad have good contact and on those days I continue my uni work which ends in may.
I understand my mum not wanting new children in her house I fully feel that and I'd never of chosen this. I think I'm around 15 weeks as I wasn't looking for periods as I was on the pill however I have known for around 6 weeks it was just a huge shock I didn't process it. I have a midwife appointment on Wednesday. I just wish my mum would actually listen and not just mention an abortion. Even if we sat down and discussed the options I'd feel better but everyone is just telling me what to do and I feel like my brain can't cope.

Thank you all for replying x

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2022 19:33

@Vickyrrrrr

Hi no my mum has never provided childcare my son and his dad have good contact and on those days I continue my uni work which ends in may. I understand my mum not wanting new children in her house I fully feel that and I'd never of chosen this. I think I'm around 15 weeks as I wasn't looking for periods as I was on the pill however I have known for around 6 weeks it was just a huge shock I didn't process it. I have a midwife appointment on Wednesday. I just wish my mum would actually listen and not just mention an abortion. Even if we sat down and discussed the options I'd feel better but everyone is just telling me what to do and I feel like my brain can't cope.

Thank you all for replying x

Are you actually in a relationship with the baby's dad?

And what are your plans? It was a shock but you're 6 weeks knowing now. Are you delaying so it's too late for an abortion anyway?

But you must realise that you are going to have to move out if you keep it. It's absolutely not fair on your mum.

You haven't said about employment prospects either, which will surely be delayed if you have the baby. Are you paying your mum anything?

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 19:38

You’re obviously not going to have an abortion, so just tell her. Say you’re having the baby and that’s that.
But you also need to come up with a plan because you’ll have two kids and it’s not your mum’s job to house you.
Do you pay anything to your mum for living there ?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2022 22:33

I just wish my mum would actually listen and not just mention an abortion. Even if we sat down and discussed the options I'd feel better

Your mother doesn't have to discuss anything. This is your problem. You were ridiculously irresponsible to get pregnant when you have no business bringing another child into the world. You can't even properly support the one you have. You say you can't cope? Well neither can your mother with you living in her home. Sorry to be harsh, but it's true. You need to have a very serious rethink about your future and how you're going to support these children.

Namast3 · 31/01/2022 22:40

I think your mum is not fair to harangue you regarding an abortion. But I do agree with pp, you are very irresponsible to bring another child into such an unstable environment where you already have one child to support. You have to move out and stand on your own two feet.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 31/01/2022 22:46

Like a pp said, you're obviously not going to have an abortion so you can tell your mum that.

Then you can move to a discussion about your living arrangements, income, and a timetable of moving on.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 31/01/2022 22:47

You appear to be making your problem, your mum’s problem.

ohwhattodowithmylife · 01/02/2022 08:18

Your Mum is wrong to keep suggesting an abortion but you need to reassure her what your plan is. Atm she probably feels she is going to be supporting you and 2 children since you are a student. As others have said this is not her responsibility. I would not be happy in her situation either.

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