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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU - wfh setup

46 replies

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 14:40

Hi everyone,
First time posting here and would be really grateful for some thoughts, comments or anything really in relation to my conundrum.
In summary:
I live with my partner, we both generally have a good relationship etc etc and prior to covid we never worked from home (we had a 1 bed flat and have now bought a house).

My partner generally works from home most of the time, whereas I am office based most of the time. We set up the dining room as a large combined study because our kitchen has enough space for a dining area. I have suggested it would make more sense to have my desk in the upstairs “box room” where we don’t currently have anything in. My reasons are as follows:

my headset has a wire, so when I receive calls from clients I need to stay at my desk, whereas my partner has a wireless headset and can move around when on a call

if we have calls at the same time, it means they have to leave the room and take the call

generally the room is not big enough to have both desks in and the door won’t shut with my chair there as it’s against the door

if we have separate spaces to work, we can both take calls without worrying about the other one

my office is large and if someone has a call it’s not distracting/ or loud, whereas in a smaller room when one person is talking it dominated the entire room - it’s a different set up entirely for obvious reasons

prior to lockdown, this would never have been a conversation - neither person would have accused the other of not spending time in each other’s company just because we are going to work

work isn’t about spending time in someone’s company, it’s about work! I truly value the time when we do spend it together.

My partner has taken this badly, and says that it’s because I “don’t want to spend any time with them”. I have reassured them that it’s obviously not the case, and set the above reasons out as to why it makes perfect sense to me for me to have my desk upstairs, when I am working from home we can still have coffees or lunch and or lunchtime walks together; that wouldn’t change. I mentioned the subject again this morning and was told the same again, that it’s ridiculous and they said they should go and find someone who wants to spend time with them.

Feeling anxious, it’s odd because my partner is never this “sensitive” or needing reassurance (if I’m interpreting it correctly!) and is otherwise a confident outgoing person who has always been okay in their own company.

Don’t want to cause any more rifts, but equally would be grateful what everyone else thinks? Feels so ridiculous to be falling out over this. Thank you anyone who has read this

OP posts:

2DogsOnMySofa · 31/01/2022 14:52

Why do you need to go out of the room whilst taking phone calls? If you were in an office you wouldn't get up from your desk. Get a good set of noise cancelling headphones and you can both be on calls at the same time without the other party hearing.

I work with someone who shares an office with her dh, the sit back to back, on opposite sides of the room, and simply blur their backgrounds and wear noise cancelling headphones when on video calls

Seems like a lot of space is set aside for wfh, especially as you won't be there most of the time. I'd much rather dedicate one room to an office.

I'd quite like to have someone there to chat to now and again, and make me a cuppa when they have one.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/01/2022 14:55

Why do you need to go out of the room whilst taking phone calls

Confidentiality? So no-one can hear you talking to or about a client

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2022 15:01

I'd rather have my own office while working too, she sounds a bit needy wanting to spend your working hours together as well as spare time

**I've just assumed she's a she from your use of "they"

KirstenBlest · 31/01/2022 15:02

Why do you need to go out of the room whilst taking phone calls

Because someone calling the OP can hear the DP taking in the background

MeSanniesareBrannies · 31/01/2022 15:03

Ask them why they feel the need to spend all day with you in this manner. Yes, you love spending time with them, no you do not want to spend the working day with them. Why is this a problem?

Also, this is childish nonsense ‘it’s ridiculous and they said they should go and find someone who wants to spend time with them’. Is your partner a person who is willing (and able) to have an actual adult conversation?

Original poster

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 15:03

Thank you for your comments, really appreciate it. So my headset is connected to the laptop and is a specific one we use for work, when my partner (he) takes calls because the room is relatively small it takes over the entire room and people have commented that they can’t hear me (bit of a boom voice), to be honest it feels like it’s representing me not standing up for myself as well

OP posts:

redastherose · 31/01/2022 15:03

You are absolutely not being unreasonable here. I would hate to be working on top of each other in the same small space and if you have an alternative option it makes sense to separate your work environments. All of the reasons you have given are entirely valid, however, even if your reason was just that you wanted to be able to concentrate on your work as it is just that 'work' then you wouldn't be unreasonable.

Loving someone doesn't depend on spending every waking minute together!

MeSanniesareBrannies · 31/01/2022 15:04

@AryaStarkWolf

I'd rather have my own office while working too, she sounds a bit needy wanting to spend your working hours together as well as spare time

**I've just assumed she's a she from your use of "they"

How funny! I assumed it was a man!

I wonder which of us is right? 😂

Original poster

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 15:06

Haha yes a “he”, was my little way of making it non-outing but not sure it’s very effective

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2022 15:08

How funny! I assumed it was a man!

I wonder which of us is right?

Well, these threads are usually women talking about their husbands/male partners so when someone tries to hide the sex by using "they" I assume they must be the opposite to the norm on here :p or else I'm just an awful cynic!

AryaStarkWolf · 31/01/2022 15:08

@Bluedabadee3

Haha yes a “he”, was my little way of making it non-outing but not sure it’s very effective

You're a man or your partner is? :p

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 15:12

If his voice carries he should be in the room really. Locked inside preferably with bars on the door.

SpinsForGin · 31/01/2022 15:14

It's perfectly normal for people to have separate work spaces if you WFH and you have the space.
It's no reflection on your feelings for your partner. What a bizarre conclusion to reach!

mynameiscalypso · 31/01/2022 15:14

I don't think it matters really who is in which room but yes, you definitely need to be in separate rooms in my opinion! DH and I both WFH a lot and have separate set ups. I have no desire to listen to his endless and very dull calls. A lot my my work is research and writing and I don't want him watching me all the time.

HairyScaryMonster · 31/01/2022 15:17

So he's basically saying you should spend virtually 24/7 with him? We all need some space!

Wreath21 · 31/01/2022 15:19

Hmm. You say your partner isn't normally this much of a whinyarse but you have only recently bought a home together. I would advise treading carefully here. There are some men who will tolerate a female partner's career only up to a certain point, after which they start sabotaging it, because the Little Woman must always be in a subordinate position and must always prioritise Her Man over any career.

Allgreyeverything · 31/01/2022 15:22

Why is this even an issue? This is a no brainier, just say that you are turning the broom cupboard into your office, no explanation or excuses needed.

RosiePosieDozy · 31/01/2022 15:25

You should definitely have your own work spaces if you have the space. The main reason for me is concentration. Yes, in an office, you would work next to other people. But I think it's a bit more tempting to talk to your DP all day. Also, confidentiality. If you have the space, you should be working separately and keeping most work conversations (e.g. customer conversations) private.

Is your DP jealous that you will have your own office? If he is, you could rotate each week so one has the office and one has the kitchen.

Change123today · 31/01/2022 15:26

Husband and I both WFH - he has alot of customer facing calls so makes sense he has the small bedroom (office space) and I use the dining table. We may be in the house together but we only really cross paths during the day if one us has made a tea or rarely lunch breaks match! We don’t spend it anywhere near each other through the day! Hearing him tapping on the keyboard is enough to wind me up without him sitting next to me banging on it!!

Original poster

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 15:27

Thank you for this, I don’t think so as we are in the dining room and he would have the entire dining room. His preference was not to work upstairs, whereas with my desk in the spare room he would have way more space to himself

OP posts:

Ruibies · 31/01/2022 15:28

DH and I managed just half a day wfh in the same room back in March 2020 and it was dreadful. It was calls for us as well - nothing really confidential but just hugely distracting for each other. We are now split between spare room and lounge. We come up/down for tea breaks and lunch with each other fairly often. Comments about not spending time with each other are ridiculous - you are working! It's not quality time anyway.

Original poster

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 15:29

@Change123today

This sounds like the set up we could have, it’s just so different sitting near someone in an office who does what you are doing, and sounds don’t travel in the same way as they do in a small room. He’s honestly got so aggy over this, and is not speaking to me

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 15:31

Sorry my last post didn’t make sense, he would have the whole dining room as we have separate area in kitchen for dining and I would have the small box room

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluedabadee3 · 31/01/2022 15:32

@Ruibies

Thank you for this - I can’t tell you how much this has reassured me that I’m not being some kind of witch

wanting a separate space

OP posts:

Blackbird2020 · 31/01/2022 15:32

Feels so ridiculous to be falling out over this

Because it is.

Really, in a respectful relationship there should be no ‘falling out’ over something this trivial.

Of course he can have the opinion that he misses you, that he prefers a little more time with you during the day etc, than you would, but….

…he told you that he might as well go and find someone else who’d prefer to spend time with him?!

WTF?! What a child. What a turn off. He’s obviously got some problems, which are not your responsibility to fix.

I’d be questioning the relationship if they’re no kids involved. How dare he threaten me like this, is what I’d be thinking…

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