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Original poster

Having forgiven a trust issue, how long to trust again?

48 replies

sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 11:44

I've decided to forgive my partner for a breach of trust. He wasn't unfaithful to me but he did lie and did something that he knew would hurt me. He is very apologetic and it's the first time he's broken my trust and lied.
I think it will take me a long time to trust him because I went into the relationship with some unresolved trust issues despite having plenty of therapy. Some here might say I wasn't ready but we are together a year and it has been idyllic until now. I'm not sure I will ever trust again 100% but did not want to miss my chance at love again because of fear .
Can you advise me how to navigate this ?
How do I build up trust.
Obviously changed behaviour and genuine remorse immediately has been promised.
I want to give it a shot but not sure what time limit to put on it and r what contact to keep. I don't want to reconnect as we were, immediately.
I want to see can I trust myself and him first.
Amy tips or advice please?

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 31/01/2022 11:55

It is not something you can do. It really is all down to your partner and the actions they show you that over time you may trust them again. However, you are only a year in, I personally would cut my losses.

ChickenStripper · 31/01/2022 12:01

It's not up to you to build up trust. It is his responsibility. Without knowing what it was it is difficult to comment and everyone has different boundaries. I would never forget. Are there things you can put in place that would let you know if he was doing this again?

Original poster
sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 12:12

I should have been more clear.
It is up to him to build up my trust and he has taken the basic steps necessary to do that.
It was what some may thing is a non issue but for me, it hurt very much in that he got a simple hello from an ex on line and responded with a quick hello back.I saw the chat thread.
There was no further interaction but I had told him that this was an issue for me, ever before this happened yet he still interacted and never told me until I asked him if he had any contact from her .
Many may say it's controlling band normal but I'm too long in the tooth and experienced in these matters to accept that the past needs to stay firmly
In the past.
He has unfriended her and another few exes from the past that he hasnt interacted with in years.

OP posts:
Original poster
sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 12:28

Would this have my bearing on your decision not to trust again?
Could you trust again in this circumstance?

OP posts:
Lougle · 31/01/2022 12:43

"It was what some may thing is a non issue but for me, it hurt very much in that he got a simple hello from an ex on line and responded with a quick hello back.I saw the chat thread."

I would say that you haven't had enough therapy. He hasn't done anything wrong. You can't control him like that.

sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2022 12:46

I would advise him to end the relationship, tbh. He's said "hello" to an ex Confused which shouldn't even have occasioned an apology, never mind all this angst and you wittering on about rebuilding trust. He hasn't done anything wrong!

I don't have any advice for you, but he is in a toxic relationship with a controlling partner. He should leave and never look back.

Original poster
sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 12:55

I am neither toxic nor controlling but he knew what my boundaries are and still lied to me and disregarded them

OP posts:
Laburnam · 31/01/2022 12:59

I think you need to be working on yourself to allow yourself to see what constitutes a healthy relationship. In the grand scheme of things he hasn't done anything wrong

Justmuddlingalong · 31/01/2022 13:04

It's healthy to have boundaries, but yours, on this occasion are too extreme. It would appear your previous trust issues are impacting on your current relationship and need further unpicking with more therapy. I don't think you're ready to be with a new partner yet.

Original poster
sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 14:29

I don't think they're extreme though.
Why chat to an ex who he doesn't see or have anything to do with.
I hate it. I don't do it and he knew this and why but yet did it anyway and lied.
Normally when I read these threads, the offended party is advised to ltb!
I was prepared for that today.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 31/01/2022 14:34

He is the offended party here. And the advice is for him to LTB. Sorry

sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2022 14:44

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I don't think they're extreme though. Why chat to an ex who he doesn't see or have anything to do with. I hate it. I don't do it and he knew this and why but yet did it anyway and lied. Normally when I read these threads, the offended party is advised to ltb! I was prepared for that today.
That's because the relationship board is normally a rogues' gallery of selfish, slovenly, deceitful men.

Your partner has done nothing wrong. You're the aggressor here, which is why people are saying HE should LTB.

patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 31/01/2022 14:49

There is WAY more self work needed on your part here, continue with the therapist, then possibly look at a relationship down the line.

LadyDanburysHat · 31/01/2022 15:03

Okay, so now with the full story. You completely over reacted. I still think you should end the relationship, but now for his benefit. He said Hi to someone.

Motnight · 31/01/2022 15:04

I feel very sorry for your partner, Op.

ScatteredMama82 · 31/01/2022 15:44

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I should have been more clear. It is up to him to build up my trust and he has taken the basic steps necessary to do that. It was what some may thing is a non issue but for me, it hurt very much in that he got a simple hello from an ex on line and responded with a quick hello back.I saw the chat thread. There was no further interaction but I had told him that this was an issue for me, ever before this happened yet he still interacted and never told me until I asked him if he had any contact from her . Many may say it's controlling band normal but I'm too long in the tooth and experienced in these matters to accept that the past needs to stay firmly In the past. He has unfriended her and another few exes from the past that he hasnt interacted with in years.
He said 'hello' and nothing else. You 'saw' the chat thread. Were you snooping on his phone? I think you are being totally unreasonable here and this is not a healthy relationship dynamic.
SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 15:49

You haven't understood what boundaries are.

Boundaries are not what you impose on others. Boundaries are what you hold for yourself. You making him responsible for your anxiety and retrospective jealousy is a you problem not a him problem. Your boundaries are out of wack.

It sounds like his boundary issues are accepting your controlling behaviour. Saying hi back to an ex isn't a terrible thing.

gamerchick · 31/01/2022 15:53

What would rebuilding trust look like. Him giving you free and easy access to his devices for you to check when you want?

You need to spend some time alone I think. You cant use your past to punish your present or future. It's not fair on your partner. He didn't do anything wrong.

Justmuddlingalong · 31/01/2022 16:05

I don't think he'll be able to regain your trust, when the boundaries are, IMO, so unreasonable. I don't think any amount of time will rebuild your trust in him, for the same reason.

Hdhr8jsj · 31/01/2022 16:08

You haven't understood what boundaries are.

Boundaries are not what you impose on others. Boundaries are what you hold for yourself. You making him responsible for your anxiety and retrospective jealousy is a you problem not a him problem. Your boundaries are out of wack.

It sounds like his boundary issues are accepting your controlling behaviour. Saying hi back to an ex isn't a terrible thing.

THIS x100

HairyFanjoBanjo · 31/01/2022 22:19

Unless he has form for cheating on you, then your behaviour is incredibly toxic and controlling.

If your boundary is not to trust someone who says ‘hi’ to an ex, then you need to leave.

Original poster
sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 23:00

I find this so hard to understand. I read , every day, about women whose partners and husbands are
Looking at women on line, and engaging yet when my partner does this and engages , I am
Wrong ?

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 31/01/2022 23:04

But he wasn't dribbling over pictures of her in a bikini, was he? They exchanged a friendly "hello".

Can you really not see the difference between that and "looking at women online", ie admiring them sexually?

BuickMcKane · 31/01/2022 23:11

OP he typed the word HELLO and now he has to regain your trust? And you don't think that's extreme?

SnowWhitesSM · 31/01/2022 23:15

Don't beat yourself up about being wrong. Our emotions are never going to always be 'right'. But take some space in that feeling, think about the feeling under the feeling. Are you scared he would rather be with her because he said hi back? What's your insecurity around it. The issue is you ferling insecure and you're then trying to control it by inserting your insecurities on to him. That's controlling.

If the conversation hadn't been picked up by you he could have had a little catch up, told her how happy he is in life with you and she could have shared her happiness and that would have been that. Most healthy people don't hate their exes. They didn't work and they moved on. You can still have a fond thought about someone without wishing you were still with them.

If he was talking to his ex every day or even every month, or comparing you to her, or she was in his life inappropriately then you'd have a legitimate concern. Saying hi back isn't one.

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