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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having forgiven a trust issue, how long to trust again?

48 replies

sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 11:44

I've decided to forgive my partner for a breach of trust. He wasn't unfaithful to me but he did lie and did something that he knew would hurt me. He is very apologetic and it's the first time he's broken my trust and lied.
I think it will take me a long time to trust him because I went into the relationship with some unresolved trust issues despite having plenty of therapy. Some here might say I wasn't ready but we are together a year and it has been idyllic until now. I'm not sure I will ever trust again 100% but did not want to miss my chance at love again because of fear .
Can you advise me how to navigate this ?
How do I build up trust.
Obviously changed behaviour and genuine remorse immediately has been promised.
I want to give it a shot but not sure what time limit to put on it and r what contact to keep. I don't want to reconnect as we were, immediately.
I want to see can I trust myself and him first.
Amy tips or advice please?

OP posts:

Original poster

sayyouwillsayyouwill · 31/01/2022 23:18

I have very much
Got from from mn that there is no place in a mans life regarding contact between a man and
His ex

OP posts:

Mumof3confused · 31/01/2022 23:22

You can’t really operate like this in a relationship, unfortunately. My only advice would be to go back into therapy.

BuickMcKane · 31/01/2022 23:25

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I have very much Got from from mn that there is no place in a mans life regarding contact between a man and His ex

I don't know how you've got to this conclusion. Many men are still in contact with their ex's for many reasons. Some because of children, some because of business, some remain friends.

There's also a big difference between saying hi, and chatting/flirting.

If you feel like you caught it before it went any further, then you don't trust him.

If he lied about saying hello, it's because he knew you held such extreme views. Which just isn't healthy.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2022 03:01

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I have very much Got from from mn that there is no place in a mans life regarding contact between a man and His ex

Generally those men have been in contact with an ex a lot and in some cases exchanging very inappropriate messages.

Why did you ask him had she been in contact?

OakRowan · 01/02/2022 03:07

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I have very much Got from from mn that there is no place in a mans life regarding contact between a man and His ex

You can't blame MN!

supercali77 · 01/02/2022 06:27

Leaving aside whether its reasonable or not... what exactly is the rule?
Is it that he cannot speak to an ex at all?
Or that if he does he should be open about it?
Or both?

How did you see the chat thread? Did you check his phone without his knowledge and is that a regular thing?

Shoxfordian · 01/02/2022 06:38

I’m not sure you’re ready for a relationship op

All he did was say hello to an ex

MissNothing1991 · 01/02/2022 06:40

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I have very much Got from from mn that there is no place in a mans life regarding contact between a man and His ex

And you believe everything you read on Mumsnet?

My ex stopped me saying a simple hello to an ex that I was amicable with. I let him. Seven years later I was leaving a very abusive relationship. He had whittled me down to nothing. I sincerely hope your man leaves before you do the same to him. Your behaviour is not normal.

GeneLovesJezebel · 01/02/2022 06:45

You very simply asked how long to trust again, I think the answer is never.
At first you might think about it every day, then you will think about it less, but every time he does something that makes you doubt him it will come flooding back.

Oldtiredfedup · 01/02/2022 06:53

You are incredibly controlling. I had boyfriends like this, my ex husband was like this.

Awful

coldfeetmama · 01/02/2022 06:54

There is a massive difference in a reply of Hello
He did not initiate the conversation
There was no conversation
There was absolutely nothing flirtatious started , encouraged , continued

What you will have read on MN is women being reminded to recognise red flags 🚩 and not tolerate bullshit
A simple hello ? You are being totally unreasonable and I feel for him
What would you do if he had to hold open a door for a young woman passing in or out of a shop ?
What if a woman had a really cute dog that wanted a fuss from him?
Is he allowed to talk to any female at work

I agree one of you should leave
You need more therapy

He will not tolerate this forever

teaandcakerules · 01/02/2022 06:57

OP I also have trust issues from previous partners cheating on me. I can understand you being upset that he didn't mention it to you if you had asked him to or explained that this was an issue for you.

The thing in itself is of course very minor and not an issue when looked at logically and I can see why other posters have described it as you being controlling.

But I understand that certain things can be triggers of previous anxieties - I have similar things and the first time one of these happened with my current BF (who I've also been with for about a year) I got a bit over emotional and upset, when I had calmed down I explained to my BF why that was, and that it had triggered my anxieties from the previous relationship it wasn't that I didn't trust him. He helped me by understanding and by reassuring me and since has shown me that he is very different and so I don't need to worry and be anxious and feel like I need to monitor everything. I feel he helps me to understand myself better with his non judgmental support and love and that helps me to reflect, manage and recognise my sometimes irrational instinctive reactions better.

I think it would help you to reflect on why you reacted the way that you did and try and communicate this to your BF and try and see it more as you both using this incident to communicate better and understand each other better rather than him having to 'jump through hoops' to meet your perhaps irrational fears. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say makes sense.

trunktoes · 01/02/2022 08:00

This is is awful OP I think you should have counselling and if you don't he should leave. I couldn't live with someone like you

MsMeNz · 02/02/2022 17:30

I think you wanted your point of view validating.
Maybe take a look at yourself first? You do ahve control issues I suspect from being hurt in the past. But that is your trauma to work through and will only poison any other relationships you have. Maybe seek some councilling and explain to them what you did and why to work through it.
And no I don't my mind my husband having the odd Facebook message that are platonic from exes in the past. Now if I ever found sexting or anything that's a different story, but a hello how are parents doing? How old are your kids now etc. No big deal.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/02/2022 18:45

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I find this so hard to understand. I read , every day, about women whose partners and husbands are Looking at women on line, and engaging yet when my partner does this and engages , I am Wrong ?

In the nicest way, yes you're very wrong. There's many levels of interaction, some will be inappropriate and some will be innocent. Whilst you're allowed to make your own judgement on this of course hopefully there'll be some helpful advice for you on this thread because your judgment of that being an inappropriate level of engagement is going to be in a huge minority.

For instance I haven't seen one of my exes in 3+ years but we had incredibly similar tastes in TV shows so we still send an occasional message if one of us is watching something good. To read the thread you would barely know we are exes but are you saying that wouldn't be ok?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/02/2022 18:47

@sayyouwillsayyouwill

I have very much Got from from mn that there is no place in a mans life regarding contact between a man and His ex

What if they still worked together? What if they still had mutual friends? What if they had a child together? What if they bumped into each other in a shop?

layladomino · 02/02/2022 18:57

You can't expect someone to never interact with an ex. Nowhere on mumsnet do people say that he shouldn't 'allow' yuor partner to talk t their ex.

If he was flirting or arranging to meet secretly or trying to get back with her in some way then of course he'd be way out of line. But he said Hello.

You then said he didn't tell you about it. Why should he tell you that he said Hello to someone?

How did you find out if he didn't tell you?

From this example it sounds like you are very jealous and controlling, and that isn't fair on your partner, and won't make for a good healthy relationship.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/02/2022 19:01

I'm with you op. My ex husband went off with his ex who was his 'friend' last year.
Prior to that I wouldn't have been!!

Your boundaries are quite severe but I presume you've had your fingers burnt previously so I don't blame you.

BuickMcKane · 02/02/2022 19:07

I still bump into a couple of my old ex's occasionally and we might exchange new numbers for a quick catch up. It would be more than 'hello' but nothing to indicate I wasn't trust worthy. I still work with my exdp. I'm still friends with my exh and we chat most days. Not every breakup is acrimonious.

Giraffesandbottoms · 02/02/2022 19:50

I wouldn’t like my husband speaking to his ex. A new boyfriend saying “hello” in response to a “hello” from an ex?! Come on?! That’s fine

GinIronic · 02/02/2022 20:06

I’m with you OP. He lied and did something he knew would hurt you. It doesn’t matter what he did - it’s the fact he did it and lied about it. I would bin him.

BuickMcKane · 02/02/2022 20:15

@GinIronic

I’m with you OP. He lied and did something he knew would hurt you. It doesn’t matter what he did - it’s the fact he did it and lied about it. I would bin him.

He shouldn't have HAD to lie about it, because for most people a simple hello would've been so far under the radar as to not even bother mentioning it. OP is massively controlling.

If you flip this and he'd been the one demanding to see her phone and gone off on one because she'd said a simple hello to an ex, people would be telling her to get rid!

Whysolong7 · 03/02/2022 01:16

Not all relationships end in hating each other or wanting to rekindle things. As others have said it’s healthy and normal to think fondly of an ex and even say ‘hello how you doing” to each other without it indicating anything wrong.

If I met a new man nothing would be more of a red flag to me than a series of ex girlfriends who hated him and would never speak to him again - I would run a mile. A man who can manage a break up and still be on respectful and amicable terms is a positive, unless there are any signs of flirting etc which there are not here.

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