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Relationships

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Original poster

I thought DP had given me herpes but now I think I could have given it to him

58 replies

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 11:21

DP and I have been together 2 years.
About 7-8 months after we got together DP said he had some itchy spots around his groin. They went away really quickly and didn't really seem to amount to anything but immediately after I had a full breakout of what was very obviously herpes. It was awful as it was literally all over, including my thighs and was agony. I spoke to a doctor at the time but as it was during covid they couldn't see me and couldn't confirm anything. I questioned DP and he said he definitely didn't have herpes as about a year before he met me he had the same spots except worse and he spoke to a friend who is a nurse and she said it couldn't be herpes as he hadn't had sex with anyone for months then and she told him if it was herpes it would have flared up straight after having sex. He thought it was just a shaving rash as he had recently shaved just before getting the spots.
Looking into it I saw that herpes can lay dormant so I thought the spots before were obviously his initial flare up and that he had then had a smaller flare up when with me and I'd caught it. I knew I had herpes now and assumed that I'd caught it from him but that he was in denial about it.
Since my initial outbreak over a year and a half ago I had nothing until I had a really bad cold over Christmas when I got a small sore and it wasn't bad.
Recently I've had another cold, except not as bad as before, but I've had another outbreak which is much worse than the last one. DP and I had sex just before I realised I was having another outbreak. Today he has woken up with small blisters and sores on his penis. He says it's nothing like what he's ever had before and thinks that he has caught herpes from me.

As they are totally different to before I'm now wondering if it actually was me who had it first and he has now caught it from me. I was married before and my EXH used to get really bad cold sores. Between splitting with my ex and getting with DP I slept with 4 men however I used condoms with all except one. The one I didn't use condoms with was actually a really horrible experience. It was a friend of a guy my friend was dating. We had both recently divorced and met on a night out with my friend. I didn't fancy him at all but he seemed nice and we spent a lot of time talking to each other about our divorce experiences and it was nice to meet someone else in a similar position as I didn't know anyone else my age who had divorced. He invited me to his house for dinner one night to chat. I accepted making it very clear it was just as supportive friends and nothing else. We had some wine and he didn't make much dinner so I barely ate and was quite drunk. He then kept trying to kiss me, at first I avoided it but eventually I did and then he immediately started trying to have sex with me. I kept saying no but he didn't stop and I ended up having sex with him. It wasn't rape but it was definitely being pushed on me when I didn't want to and eventually, being drunk and feeling emotionally vulnerable after leaving my husband, I just gave in. I left immediately afterwards and actually called up a friend in the middle of the night crying as I felt so dirty and disgusting and weak having had unprotected sex that I didn't want to have. Even the thought of it now makes me feel physically sick.

I stupidly didn't get an STI check afterwards because I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen but I actually paid to order treatment for chlamydia online which I took just in case because I thought if I might have caught anything it would have been that.

Now that my partner obviously has herpes it's brought back all these memories of that night and it makes me feel sick to think of it again and even worse if I potentially caught something that I have now given to DP. It might be strange but i felt better when I thought I'd caught it from him. Now I feel disgusting.

If I'd caught it from my EXH having a cold sore (as I've read it can transfer to the genitals via oral) then I can deal with that as we were together a long time. But the thought I've potentially caught it from this gross encounter that I wish never happened and passed it onto my partner just makes me feel horrible.

Is it most likely me that's given it to him?

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/01/2022 11:27

You do need a swab to see what type of herpes you have
If it's type one then you almost certainly picked it up from ex husband and passed it to DP
If it's type two then you could have got it anywhere

Fcuk38 · 31/01/2022 11:28

I think you have unresolved issues around that night with the one night stand that you need to resolve.

Regarding the herpes, I think the most important think is that you both tell ex partners that are contactable that’s you have it. Not sure it matters where it’s come from as such- you can cover that by telling all partners.

shouldistop · 31/01/2022 11:31

You can catch herpes even using condoms. I wouldn't overthink this.
I'm sorry you had such a horrible encounter

brunonononono · 31/01/2022 11:33

Difficult to tell where it could have come from, could easily have been either of you. Std screening doesn’t include herpes so irrelevant that you didn’t get a check.

I agree the unresolved issues are more to do with the horrible experience you had, you were clearly telling him no and didn’t want to. I’m sorry you’re now dealing with trauma

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 11:35

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

You do need a swab to see what type of herpes you have If it's type one then you almost certainly picked it up from ex husband and passed it to DP If it's type two then you could have got it anywhere

I've contacted the GP today to arrange that so hopefully will find out soon enough.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 31/01/2022 11:41

Herpes can lay dormant for nearly two weeks. I'm wondering why a Nurse would give wrong advice and if it wasn't a cover up for your DP not getting responsibly tested. He could be having outbreaks and you still could have got it from him.

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 11:42

In terms of the unresolved issues about that night, I had completely put it out of my mind until this morning when DP saw he had blisters. I thought I'd managed to move on from it because I just didn't think about it at all.

OP posts:

3scape · 31/01/2022 11:46

Sorry you're dealing with trying to heap shame onto yourself for something you feel responsible or angry or both about (i had a very similar night years ago, where I got drunk and just sort of thought it was what I ought to do being drunk, sympathetic to him dealing with his loss of a relationship etc, generally being laid back about sex etc.

The fact is you both need to get the medical support and move on. How you caught herpes doesn't really change things. Unfortunately unprotected sex isn't even always the cause!

Do get support for your feelings about that night as well. You were vulnerable.

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 11:47

I thought it could lay dormant for a lot longer than two weeks?
I've had friends who were nurses who gave me medical advice that was incorrect, as it wasn't the area they worked in but because they are in the medical field they would still tell you what they thought and I'd assume them to be correct (until later finding out otherwise). I just assumed this might have been the case for DP.

I don't think DP would cover up if he knew or thought he had it, but I had previously thought he maybe did and once this nurse told him that he was happy to believe it (when I first realised I had herpes I would have been very happy to think it was something else instead).

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/01/2022 11:49

The nurse's advice was total bobbins and yes it can lie dormant for years!

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 11:51

@3scape

Sorry you're dealing with trying to heap shame onto yourself for something you feel responsible or angry or both about (i had a very similar night years ago, where I got drunk and just sort of thought it was what I ought to do being drunk, sympathetic to him dealing with his loss of a relationship etc, generally being laid back about sex etc. The fact is you both need to get the medical support and move on. How you caught herpes doesn't really change things. Unfortunately unprotected sex isn't even always the cause! Do get support for your feelings about that night as well. You were vulnerable.

Thank you for this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 11:53

Sorry, this was badly worded. I meant I previously thought that DP had had it first and had it already when he spoke to the nurse friend about the spots before we got together, but was happy to believe it when she said he didn't.

OP posts:

RuthTopp · 31/01/2022 11:54

Perhaps the op saying it can lie dormant for 2 weeks means before first outbreak.
With herpes you may get the first outbreak, and then nothing for ever , it will still be in the body , and never go away.
Some people only get outbreaks occasionally , others on a regular basis.

Technonan · 31/01/2022 11:54

That was rape, or near as damn it. You didn't want to have sex, you certainly didn't want to have unprotected sex, and you were drunk. You made it clear while you could. His persistence shows he didn't care if you wanted to have sex or not.

I'd stop trying to look for the 'who got it first' element. Neither you nor your partner claimed to be virgins or anyhting. You can get herpes from any sexual partner, even if you use a condom, if you're a bit careless (and who isn't from time to time). No blame on you, no blame on your partner, you just need to deal with the situation as it is now, and you need to deal with how you feel over the incident with the other guy. Right now, you're blaming yourself, and you shouldn't.

HarrysChild · 31/01/2022 11:54

So sorry that you’re feeling this way about what happened in the past. Both herpes and warts are different to other STIs in that they can lay dormant for a long time, and it’s impossible to tell who got it first. Getting a swab should confirm if it’s type 1 or type 2 but it won’t really give you an answer - yes type 1 is more commonly oral and type 2 more commonly genital, but either one can occur in either area so that won’t prove anything. Rather than focussing on where it came from, it might be more helpful to focus on managing it going forward. Hopefully your body will clear the virus and you won’t keep getting recurrences. Have you tried contacting the Herpes Society? They have some really good information on their website and I think they have a helpline, herpes.org.uk/ sending positive thoughts OP hope you’re ok x

Porcupineintherough · 31/01/2022 11:55

I think that the initial infection shows itself quite quickly, so within a couple of weeks, after which it can lie dormant for years.

To answer your initial question, yes possibly you gave it to him -or him you - I'm not sure it matters tbh Once you are sexually active herpes is something that can happen to anyone unfortunately.

Sorry to hear about your miserable sexual encounter. It sounds quite rapey to me. Certainly not enthusiastic consent.

Quackpot · 31/01/2022 11:58

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You were raped. He got you drunk and coerced you into sex, you were not in a position to consent. I would suggest speaking to someone from a rape charity where they have specialist counsellors x

HeyBlaby · 31/01/2022 11:58

Type 1 (that typically causes coldsores) is usually milder when affecting affecting genitals. My partner started with a fairly mild case of herpes about 9 months after we got together, he assumed he had caught it from his ex partner and it had laid dormant. Turned out after a swab it was type I, I paid for a blood test to check if I had immunity (vaguely remembered having a coldsore aged about 18) and I did indeed, so more likely I had given it to him.

Breakouts can vary in severity and women tend to get worse symptoms than men, he could also have given it to you, sometimes you won't ever know.

HeyBlaby · 31/01/2022 12:02

Just to add - even if you had got an STD check, you didn't have symptoms of herpes at the time so nothing would have come up regarding that. These things are just a fact of life and most adults will have come into contact with herpes, it could have been contracted at any time. None of this is your fault.

CousinKrispy · 31/01/2022 12:03

Hi, OP, please check out herpes.org.uk/ for lots of good factual advice about herpes. There is a lot of misinformation even among medical professionals about it.

That's great that you'll be seeing the GP to get your diagnosis confirmed. Be sure to ask them about antiviral treatment, this can lessen the severity of your outbreaks as it sounds like you've been unlucky and yours have been severe. Many people have such mild outbreaks they don't notice it, so it's possible that any of your partners could have passed it to you skin to skin, without realising it. Try to let go of the notion that it is somehow tied to the awful man who forced himself on you.

I'm so sorry you had that horrible experience with that awful man. He took advantage of you when you were drunk and ignored that you were saying no--that is rape IMO and it's unacceptable behaviour. You went along with it to protect yourself which is natural.

You might want to consider counselling to come to terms with that event ... it can haunt you for years and feelings of shame and guilt are common. You did nothing wrong and deserve support.

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 12:10

Thank you for the supportive messages.
I've been reading the herpes.org website which is very helpful, particularly as I have children and was terrified of somehow passing it onto them if I'm not careful enough (say they touch a towel that I've just used to dry or something) but it has a lot of good information on that too and how it can't be spread though any means really other than direct contact.

OP posts:

Tal45 · 31/01/2022 12:13

You kept saying no but he didn't stop and you ended up having sex. Why would you think that wasn't rape? No means no. I'm so sorry you went through that please get some counselling. I don't think you'll ever be sure who gave who herpes so best not to over think it, just concentrate on keeping yourself well.

ittakes2 · 31/01/2022 12:13

I have had my blood tested - I have both 1 & 2. Knowing which you have will not tell you who gave it to you. Your ex could have had one or two on his face.
I am sorry rape is you not consenting and it sounds like you didn’t. I hope you get some help.

JamieNorthlife · 31/01/2022 12:28

OP, can you contact your local GUM clinic?

They can do all your tests and give you medication if you need. Your partner may also need to be checked/tested.

Original poster

Howcrapisthis · 31/01/2022 12:28

You kept saying no but he didn't stop and you ended up having sex. Why would you think that wasn't rape?

I guess in all honesty because it happened a couple of times before I was with my EXH too. I always just saw them as times when I hadn't been strong enough or firm enough. On two other occasions I have had men force themselves on me when I had to physically fight them off and both of those times I managed to get away from them so I always saw the other times as me just being weak and eventually giving in. I can remember actually crying once while I was having sex with someone because I hadn't wanted to and had said no but eventually just did it. It was like I was doing it and had eventually agreed but I hadn't wanted to and had said no initially each time but they just kept on until I did. After eventually giving in though, I think I was an active participant, I wouldn't necessarily just be lying there, which is why I don't think it's exactly rape, but I was definitely being talked/persuaded into doing something that I didn't want to do.

OP posts:

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