I thought DP had given me herpes but now I think I could have given it to him

[Howcrapisthis]

DP and I have been together 2 years.
About 7-8 months after we got together DP said he had some itchy spots around his groin. They went away really quickly and didn't really seem to amount to anything but immediately after I had a full breakout of what was very obviously herpes. It was awful as it was literally all over, including my thighs and was agony. I spoke to a doctor at the time but as it was during covid they couldn't see me and couldn't confirm anything. I questioned DP and he said he definitely didn't have herpes as about a year before he met me he had the same spots except worse and he spoke to a friend who is a nurse and she said it couldn't be herpes as he hadn't had sex with anyone for months then and she told him if it was herpes it would have flared up straight after having sex. He thought it was just a shaving rash as he had recently shaved just before getting the spots.
Looking into it I saw that herpes can lay dormant so I thought the spots before were obviously his initial flare up and that he had then had a smaller flare up when with me and I'd caught it. I knew I had herpes now and assumed that I'd caught it from him but that he was in denial about it.
Since my initial outbreak over a year and a half ago I had nothing until I had a really bad cold over Christmas when I got a small sore and it wasn't bad.
Recently I've had another cold, except not as bad as before, but I've had another outbreak which is much worse than the last one. DP and I had sex just before I realised I was having another outbreak. Today he has woken up with small blisters and sores on his penis. He says it's nothing like what he's ever had before and thinks that he has caught herpes from me.

As they are totally different to before I'm now wondering if it actually was me who had it first and he has now caught it from me. I was married before and my EXH used to get really bad cold sores. Between splitting with my ex and getting with DP I slept with 4 men however I used condoms with all except one. The one I didn't use condoms with was actually a really horrible experience. It was a friend of a guy my friend was dating. We had both recently divorced and met on a night out with my friend. I didn't fancy him at all but he seemed nice and we spent a lot of time talking to each other about our divorce experiences and it was nice to meet someone else in a similar position as I didn't know anyone else my age who had divorced. He invited me to his house for dinner one night to chat. I accepted making it very clear it was just as supportive friends and nothing else. We had some wine and he didn't make much dinner so I barely ate and was quite drunk. He then kept trying to kiss me, at first I avoided it but eventually I did and then he immediately started trying to have sex with me. I kept saying no but he didn't stop and I ended up having sex with him. It wasn't rape but it was definitely being pushed on me when I didn't want to and eventually, being drunk and feeling emotionally vulnerable after leaving my husband, I just gave in. I left immediately afterwards and actually called up a friend in the middle of the night crying as I felt so dirty and disgusting and weak having had unprotected sex that I didn't want to have. Even the thought of it now makes me feel physically sick.

I stupidly didn't get an STI check afterwards because I wanted to pretend like it didn't happen but I actually paid to order treatment for chlamydia online which I took just in case because I thought if I might have caught anything it would have been that.

Now that my partner obviously has herpes it's brought back all these memories of that night and it makes me feel sick to think of it again and even worse if I potentially caught something that I have now given to DP. It might be strange but i felt better when I thought I'd caught it from him. Now I feel disgusting.

If I'd caught it from my EXH having a cold sore (as I've read it can transfer to the genitals via oral) then I can deal with that as we were together a long time. But the thought I've potentially caught it from this gross encounter that I wish never happened and passed it onto my partner just makes me feel horrible.

Is it most likely me that's given it to him?

I've also just come off the phone to the nurse and I've to go in for a swab later and they've put a prescription into the local pharmacy for me to collect

That's great news about your appointment and prescription, OP.

I think those feelings about your experiences are very common. We are given messages over and over again that it's not "real" rape if you weren't physically overpowered, or didn't say "no" a certain magical number of times, or if it was your husband, or if you'd willingly had sex with this person before, or or or .... all of that stuff is really common so it's natural to feel confused.

Regardless ... no one should ever coerce someone else into sex. And there are lots of ways coercion happens, many of them subtle. Many of us have been there in that "I need to keep the peace so I'll agree to have sex" but we know it's a world away from actually wanting to have sex. :-(

And yeah, you might be active during the act ... it helps it get done faster :-( ... and also the body can start responding automatically to stimulus, even when you don't want to have sex. That still doesn't mean it's OK for anyone to ever be coerced.

So big hugs and I'd definitely recommend speaking to a rape crisis line, or finding a counsellor you can talk with for a longer period. It takes time to get your head around how to have a really healthy, happy sexual relationship with others but it can be done.

Relate also published a book I think called "Healing from Sexual Trauma" which you might want to check out.

While you may never know I think that logically it is likely your dp passed it on to you. He had sores on his penis a year before he met you. The nurse's advice was incorrect and many people have mild symptoms or no symptoms but can still pass the virus on.

A condom may reduce but doesn't prevent herpes being passed on because it doesn't cover the entire area. Also, you seem to think the awful man who took advantage of you may have passed it on to you. Just because he was a bad person though doesn't mean that he necessarily had herpes. Lots of lovely people do catch herpes. It is a virus and doesn't discriminate.

This happened to one of my friends over 25 years ago. She and her partner both had an STD check beforehand (we were all terrified of HIV in those days) but because he wasn't actually having an attack there was nothing to see. She was initially too embarrassed to buy zovirax cream (because there was not much online ordering at the time) and I had to buy it for her and shamelessly picked up an additional information leaflet. She went to some support group meetings and there was an incredible range of people there. I know it made her feel a lot better. She took some oral medication to reduce the risk of outbreaks and it made her life a lot better. This was years ago and there is probably something even better now.

So big hugs and I'd definitely recommend speaking to a rape crisis line, or finding a counsellor you can talk with for a longer period. It takes time to get your head around how to have a really healthy, happy sexual relationship with others but it can be done.

Relate also published a book I think called "Healing from Sexual Trauma" which you might want to check out.

Thank you. I will definitely check out that book. I've thought about going to therapy in the past, I had a lot of issues around sex and have found it difficult to voice at times. Even my EXH would often do things that I hated sexually, i would often go along with it all because he wanted to and now I look back and think, why didn't I say anything sooner, why couldn't I say when I didn't want or like something? I did say to him eventually but he would continue to do those things when we had sex, often saying that although I said I didn't like it, he knew that I did because I would orgasm sooner when he did. It messes up your head a bit because he wasn't wrong, it often did, but I still didn't always want him to be doing those things. I've had quite a lot of bad sexual experiences and it would probably do me some good to talk it through with someone.

That's pretty crap advice from a nurse. He should have got tested.

I very much think that man raped you. You didn't want to have sex. You said many times you didn't want to have sex. He pressured you into sex. That's rape. I'm sorry that happened.

Honestly I couldn't tell which of you had herpes first. It doesn't matter. You both need to get tested and act accordingly (I don't actually know what you do but just do what the doctor tells you to.) Who had it first and who gave it to who is irrelevant and not worth worrying about now.

Hi there, @Howcrapisthis - really sorry to hear that you're going through this. We hope you don't mind us suggesting this but you might want to read our webguide for some useful advice and guidance. We're also going to move this thread over to our Relationships topic where we hope you find some useful support.

Take care.

You're supposed to remove the brackets when you describe the amazing cure from (name of sickness or disease here).

STI checks don't check for herpes, you have to have the actual sores swabbed.
I agree with a PP, you'll have a clearer idea once you know which type you have. Type 1 is much more common and is transmitted from the mouth.
Condoms don't protect from herpes.
That guy sounds like a horrible creep, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Start taking Lysine and contact your local GUM clinic. I hope you have fewer outbreaks and things pick up for you

@emilyfaye

I think your disease must be different to mine because my knees are fine...

😂

@Thatbliddywoman

STI checks don't check for herpes, you have to have the actual sores swabbed. I agree with a PP, you'll have a clearer idea once you know which type you have. Type 1 is much more common and is transmitted from the mouth. Condoms don't protect from herpes. That guy sounds like a horrible creep, I'm sorry that happened to you. Start taking Lysine and contact your local GUM clinic. I hope you have fewer outbreaks and things pick up for you

Thank you. I've had a swab done now and I'm waiting on the results. They prescribed aclycovir (spelling?) but I'm breastfeeding so was nervous about taking it so gave it to my partner. I've been taking lysine though and putting aloe vera gel on to cool it.

It can lie dormant for years. It can also take different people different lengths of time for symptoms to show. Your partner may well have given it to you or you to him. It doesn't matter as it's impossible to know - especially as men are often asymptomatic.
Ring the Herpes Society herpes.org.uk for up to date and calm advice on this.

Most people have one type of herpes and many people don't know they have it.

@Howcrapisthis

Thank you for the supportive messages. I've been reading the herpes.org website which is very helpful, particularly as I have children and was terrified of somehow passing it onto them if I'm not careful enough (say they touch a towel that I've just used to dry or something) but it has a lot of good information on that too and how it can't be spread though any means really other than direct contact.

This won't happen unless you are sharing bath towels. Also you can get antivirals if it's something that is occurring monthly.

When you take the acyclovir make sure you have something to eat first or you'll get a headache!

This won't happen unless you are sharing bath towels.

I read on the herpes.org website that it can't be transferred via towels. We're making sure not to share towels and I'm washing them after each use anyway right now just in case.

When you take the acyclovir make sure you have something to eat first or you'll get a headache!

This is helpful to know, thank you!

I did actually phone them tonight as I'm brestfeeding and co-sleep and was terrified in case I've scratched myself if I've itched in my sleep or anything and then touched my breast/her face while feeding her (before I realised I was having a herpes flare up, I've been incredibly careful since then) and also because I shared baths with my baby before realising. The person I spoke to was really helpful and explained that as I'm breastfeeding she will have my antibodies and so for the same reason that it doesn't transfer to other parts of your body, it's unlikely for her to catch this from me because right now she's like an extension of me.
I'm still obviously going to be extra careful just to be on the safe side but it helped me to feel much calmer and better about that.

@Howcrapisthis

You kept saying no but he didn't stop and you ended up having sex. Why would you think that wasn't rape?

I guess in all honesty because it happened a couple of times before I was with my EXH too. I always just saw them as times when I hadn't been strong enough or firm enough. On two other occasions I have had men force themselves on me when I had to physically fight them off and both of those times I managed to get away from them so I always saw the other times as me just being weak and eventually giving in. I can remember actually crying once while I was having sex with someone because I hadn't wanted to and had said no but eventually just did it. It was like I was doing it and had eventually agreed but I hadn't wanted to and had said no initially each time but they just kept on until I did. After eventually giving in though, I think I was an active participant, I wouldn't necessarily just be lying there, which is why I don't think it's exactly rape, but I was definitely being talked/persuaded into doing something that I didn't want to do.

Sounds to me like you've been raped multiple times by men who clearly didn't care about consent.

Sounds to me like you've been raped multiple times by men who clearly didn't care about consent.

I think it's hard for me to see it this way because ultimately I did eventually consent, although after being cajoled and persuaded. I definitely think they were gross and disrespectful and each time I would feel immediately horrible and ashamed afterwards.
I think it's due to situations like this that some men get the notion that women 'falsely' (in their eyes) claim rape after they've had sex because they feel embarrassed about it or wish they hadn't done it. These men would never see themselves as rapists, they seem to just think it's normal for women to say no at first and it's as though they think women are only saying no because they feel they should but really they just need a bit if coaxing.
One of the worst ones, the one where I was crying when it was happening and wasn't an active participant because I just lay there wanting it to stop the whole time was actually done by a policeman, one who I has previously discussed one of the very physical attempted rapes I had experienced (where I was literally fighting him off me until I managed to escape) and he had seemed so concerned and understanding about that. There's no way he would have thought what he was doing to me was rape.

(1)A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a)he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b)B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c)A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2)Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.

"Any steps A has taken to ascertain B consents"

It's not just what he wants to believe.

I caught genital herpes when I was a teenager and still a virgin. I had such a traumatic time coming to terms with it; I felt so 'dirty'. It was the Herpes Society that helped me regain my sanity. They have all the facts (not myths) regarding herpes and they make it feel like a normal part of life - which of course it is. You could continue to try to find who is to 'blame' for you both having it but what's the point? Maybe you both had it before, lying dormant, and you are both having flare ups. Stress is almost guaranteed to bring on more flare ups so try to get on top of it. I had a similar experience to yourself and felt sick with guilt and remorse. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just to forgive yourself. You had a nasty experience in the past but don't let that vile man drag you down and destroy who you are now.

What I know about herpes is that you can only swab for diagnosis when you have an actual outbreak

Also, it can lie dormant for many years. Some people are carriers and never have symptoms

Its really common.

You can get it without full inter course and from using condoms

You may want to go to a sexual health clinic and speak with a nurse about it all