Tell me not to do something stupid

[Tempnamelady]

I’ve posted before . Married 24 years , H wasn’t that nice to me , I put up with a lot. He admits to being selfish, but says it was due to MH. Think going out and leaving me in , porn addiction ( massively minimised ) MH issues but managed to get the pub and then come home and zonk out on sleeping pills. I’ve worked like a dog my whole life, brought up my lovely DS age 23 , now living with his girlfriend. Split last year when I had an affair with a man I’d worked with for 15 years , we adored each other but due to his hideous family situation ( wife neglecting his kids to the point SS were involved ) he’s back home ( decree nisi but no absolute ) . Literally the happiest times in my 51 years were with him , even before we were an item . But I have to let that go , I know this.
I’ve financially maintained the family home with only DH there ( I’ve got a very well paid career so have been able to rent at the same time), but I’ve been gone a year and it feels like something needs to change. I’m frankly scared of DH who has an explosive temper and thinks that I’m going to walk away with the bare minimum ( I’ve always put his needs ahead of my own ).
I just don’t feel strong enough for what’s coming next , I’ve got an incredibly demanding job, I’m totally crushed and devastated by what happened with my AP ( I know mumsnet is very anti affair and rightly so ) but I’d got so used to being in an unhappy marriage that what we had was so unexpected and lovely after being friends for so long , and I just feel like the next stage is too much. Selling the family home, arguing over money and trying to buy somewhere on my own.
I’ve really tried to be strong, I get up and do a 10 hour day at work and paint a smile on my face for my team, I feel like my friends are probably sick of a year of me so up and down but I’m just so sad a lonely and frightened of the future. I’m writing this crying now.
The something stupid would be asking my husband to take me back. Why am I even thinking like this , he wasn’t nice to me and I suspect I’d be paying for my affair for the rest of my life , but I don’t feel like I have the emotional energy to push through the next stage.
Has anyone else felt like this ?

Not been in your position but don’t go back. You deserve happiness. Your strength will be there when you need it.

Please don't go back things will get better you have the hard work done.

Don’t even think of going back, not for a second.

Get yourself a really good Solicitor and let him deal with the next stage for you.

Your life is out there waiting for you !!

If you're not ready to do it yet then can you tread water a bit longer until you are ready? Don't go back. You'll be miserable forever.

Please don’t go back. You’re thinking like this because it’s the known. Your future is your unknown but it could be great. You can make it what you want.
You’re feeling exhausted by thinking of everything that needs to be done —- divide and conquer.
You are living in rented ?
And your husband is still in marital home? Why are you paying for him to live in the marital home? As of when you split you owe him nothing.
If you’re maintaining two properties you’ve got a lot of positives —- you’re organised, have a job, are prepared to work hard..
List the steps you want to take ( I’d say start with not another penny to husband) maybe contact solicitor, start divorce,. Go through it one step at a time and concentrate on just that step.
You’ll do it. And you deserve so much more than a horrible husband.

Thanks for your kind words. I’m a really outgoing person but the past year has just broken me. I’ve been lucky to be able to rent a beautiful house and I have great friends, but I think some of then see my old life and think I’ve really messed up.
What hurts the most is that after so many years of a not great marriage where I made it bearable with friends, work and just other things, to then experience a happy relationship ( and it was so lovely , we had been friends and supported each other for so long with no impropriety ) only for that to go wrong , is just awful. It’s completely shattered me.
I can’t imagine very being happy again, I can’t see how I’ll ever meet anyone , I don’t want to for a start , I wfh and never really go out.

I’m 51 next week , I just feel so bloody defeated.
DH has just carried on as before , out boozing , I’ve carried on doing the life admin from afar. We are on reasonable terms but I just know he’s going to blow when we start talking money. He seems to think because I earn 2 x his salary plus pension now, that I should walk away with less, in fact he said at one point that he would come after my money because ‘he helped me with my career ‘ by minding DS while I worked away in a previous role, conveniently forgetting that he was a police man and worked shifts so I was juggling childcare and a full time job . He also never shared finances and I’ve paid for the majority of stuff in a house I don’t even live in anymore,.
Just feel worn out with it all. I had a therapist but to be honest I’ve parked her because I felt like I was just saying the same things every week.

Stuff the money...stuff the pensions and all the rest... its all flotsam... you deserve to build a happy life for yourself.
See a solicitor, get things sorted and move on... you are just stuck right now and wasting your time with all the negativity. Forget the other man. He is not going to be with you.
Do this for you. You are worth it.
Yes it will be tough, yes it will cost money.... but it will be freedom and life will be better without all this shit weighing you down.
You can do this.
You have been so strong in the past...dig deep.. be that strong woman now... but do it for you.
X

Just one thing at a time. You don't need to do all the things at once, just the next thing in front of you.

Pick your battles, some aren't worth fighting over.

Let your manager know that you're under pressure at home, it was the best thing I did as I felt supported and less alone. I still performed in my role and if anything, being busy in a demanding job helped me, give a busy person the thing to do and all that. I just incorporated some of it into my daily admin - sort email, team meeting, email mortgage advisor.

All the rest will come, don't worry about meeting someone else, that's a distraction. Focus on you, get out and see your friends, be vulnerable to those who want to help you.

Have you considered getting some therapy? I think someone could help you with the - always putting your unhelpful husband first - aspect. That needs looked at and seems self defeating. I say this not to suggest that you've a MH problem, but there are issues there that you've identified and I think a therapist could help you through it, provide you with a space to think and give you some support

Does your husband know you had an affair ?

Would he even be willing to take you back.

I honestly think your marriage is over, you do not like your husband by the sounds of it, why would you want that.

Filing for divorce seems like the sensible thing to do, you are tired and deflated after your affair ending but you will pick yourself back up.

You sound a strong and capable woman who needs some space to re evaluate what to do next.

Things don't always work out on a certain path but it doesn't mean that you have to reverse and go backwards.

There may be a different path, one that leads to hope and new begginings, there are more than two men and two options here, you just can't see them yet.

OP we all experience times when we feel we physically and mentally have nothing left, and nothing to look forward to. Kind of like this is my lot and it's always going to remain like this.

We look back at the past almost viewing it through rose tinted glasses. I don't know why that is, it could be because we are worn down.
What's done is done, you cannot turn the clock back but what you can do is open a new chapter and live the life you want. Financially you want to be secure yes? As so many others have said get a great solicitor, you've worked hard and still do by the sounds of it. No one has the right to delude themselves that they are entitled to what you've worked hard for.

Firstly though I think you need to take a week or so out to recharge your batteries. We have all had a rotten time of it lately (I know I have) how about taking yourself of and go away and relax? Your feel a lot better stepping outside the situation and return less anxious.

It's all overwhelming at the moment right now, step out of the picture and give yourself a break. Please don't return to your previous life, you deserve to be happy and I am sure you will be moving forward.

You know sometimes we give so much of ourselves to others we can end up not knowing who we are. Stay true to yourself, be your own best friend and look after yourself.

X

You sound amazing. Please don’t go back it’s your brain hijacking itself. You evidently don’t need a man to be dependent and successful. Keep going forward.

Independent.

You’re worn out because you have stayed tied to someone who is draining you emotionally and financially.

Your life would be a lot easier after divorce. I’ve just seen a close friend go through similar. She is so much better off now.

If he gets nasty, contact goes through lawyers. At least your son being adult means you don’t need to contact him directly for childcare.

Thanks for your kind messages, I’ve got an initial appointment with a solicitor Wednesday .

Don't go back, things will improve. You are just feeling overwhelmed at the moment. You are at a great age for enjoying life, please do make the most of it.

I agree with all the other posters Tempnamelady. You're exhausted by it all and sad at the end of a fleeting period of happiness.
You can do this and you deserve to live a life free from a porn addict who spends his life in the pub or asleep on sleeping pills. You've got many years ahead of you. It sounds as if you've got your career sorted -
so take one step at a time. Let your solicitor lead you though the next steps - and look forward to a future free from the life sapping man you've been stuck with for so many years.

I've been thorough this, including the affair. It seems so hard to do everything that needs sorting, but remember the alternative is worse.

@Tempnamelady

Above all, remember these things....

1. You ARE out already. You can close your door at home and shut out the world whenever you want or need to.

1. YOU do NOT need to listen to ANYTHING he says ! Ever. It's up to the solicitors to hash out the finances etc NOT YOU !

3.You CAN and SHOULD block him from your phone and social media. Open a new, just for him, email address and send it to him. Make it clear that this is his only communication access to you, and that you will, of course, be sharing any and all correspondance with your solicitor. Also advise him that any attempts to contact you at home or work will result in police being called, and may well affect his 'settlement' result in the divorce.

1. All the 'negotiations' are done via letter from your solicitor to his and vise versa, so you only see your solicitor.

1. Living in your own rented place means you don't have to deal with or cope with his temper ! Being trapped inside your old house with him would mean he would have you trapped and would likely feel free to 'indulge' his temper more !!

Meet with your solicitor. Forge ahead with the divorce proceedings, because at least you will have an end once you are actually divorced ! If you went back, this would be your 'life' forever !

Your messages mean so much I’m truly grateful and having a little cry reading them. It’s hard having to put all of this on your friends for so long irl and I think some of them just thing I should be over it.
My ‘affair’ actually came out of a 15 year close friendship and the time we were together was truly the happiest I’ve ever been and the pain of it being over is , well excoriating it really has almost broken me .
I can’t see anything good in my future right now , I am just dragging myself through each day and glad if i get a few hours sleep at night.
I have had therapy but I’ve parked the sessions for now because I know how why and what I’ve got to do .
I miss my lovely home , my dog and my routine . I’m just so unhappy. Sorry to offload all this on here, IRL I’m the bubbly joker but I’m really struggling just now.

Don't feel bad about offloading. That's what Mumsnet's for - making women's lives a little easier when it's tough. Not wanting to put pressure on you but do you have a (little) plan for the next weeks / months? Do you know what you want from your solicitor? A road map out of the relationship? Somewhere new to live? What can you do now that gives you some pleasure? Can you have your dog sometimes where you're living now? (dogs are great when we're sad).

Try and focus on some of the things you want to do and can look forward to once your divorce is finalised. This might be a holiday, buying and decorating a new home or starting a new hobby. It all feels very overwhelming at the moment but it will get better, I promise.

When I felt particularly low after my marriage failed i tried to focus on one positive thing a day and find at least one thing positive about every day. It might only be my favourite song on the radio or treating myself to some chocolate but I wrote them all down and gradually realised there was good in every day, especially when I found it easier and easier to find more than one thing. I also wrote a list of everything I was grateful for and read it daily - my health, a job I quite like, my DD, friends, being free to watch what I want on TV etc.

Good luck PP and please don't look back, only forward 💐

Honestly I think you should go back to therapy and work through your guilt and shame because it sounds like it's eating you up.

It took two people to make your marriage what it became and your husband played his part. This is not all on you and you shouldn't have to keep paying for your affair for the rest of your life, financially or emotionally.

A line needs to be drawn. That line is a divorce and a clean break. Your child is an adult now so you don't have to interact with him once the divorce is done.

Talk to your solicitor and consider going back to therapy.

I wish you all the best, I remember your previous thread and you really have had a difficult time. No affair judgement from me.

I mean you don't have to interact with the husband not your son obviously!