Tell me not to do something stupid

[Tempnamelady]

I’ve posted before . Married 24 years , H wasn’t that nice to me , I put up with a lot. He admits to being selfish, but says it was due to MH. Think going out and leaving me in , porn addiction ( massively minimised ) MH issues but managed to get the pub and then come home and zonk out on sleeping pills. I’ve worked like a dog my whole life, brought up my lovely DS age 23 , now living with his girlfriend. Split last year when I had an affair with a man I’d worked with for 15 years , we adored each other but due to his hideous family situation ( wife neglecting his kids to the point SS were involved ) he’s back home ( decree nisi but no absolute ) . Literally the happiest times in my 51 years were with him , even before we were an item . But I have to let that go , I know this.
I’ve financially maintained the family home with only DH there ( I’ve got a very well paid career so have been able to rent at the same time), but I’ve been gone a year and it feels like something needs to change. I’m frankly scared of DH who has an explosive temper and thinks that I’m going to walk away with the bare minimum ( I’ve always put his needs ahead of my own ).
I just don’t feel strong enough for what’s coming next , I’ve got an incredibly demanding job, I’m totally crushed and devastated by what happened with my AP ( I know mumsnet is very anti affair and rightly so ) but I’d got so used to being in an unhappy marriage that what we had was so unexpected and lovely after being friends for so long , and I just feel like the next stage is too much. Selling the family home, arguing over money and trying to buy somewhere on my own.
I’ve really tried to be strong, I get up and do a 10 hour day at work and paint a smile on my face for my team, I feel like my friends are probably sick of a year of me so up and down but I’m just so sad a lonely and frightened of the future. I’m writing this crying now.
The something stupid would be asking my husband to take me back. Why am I even thinking like this , he wasn’t nice to me and I suspect I’d be paying for my affair for the rest of my life , but I don’t feel like I have the emotional energy to push through the next stage.
Has anyone else felt like this ?

Can you send me another message? I can’t reply to your last message without an error box popping up!

You are not financially dependent on him which means you are freeeeee!!! Just got to tell your head to catch up a bit (or a lot). You are much more fortunate than you think.
Forget the guilt re affair, I'm sure if your marriage was better then it wouldn't have happened.
The end of all relationships is painful - wanted or not. It's a complicated process to disentangle yourself emotionally and otherwise.
Go live the life you want to.

Uncertainty is scary, but what l found is the longer you are on your own, getting on with your own business, the more confident you become.
You' ve got to keep telling yourself you can do this, you will do this and you'll do a bloody good job, You have to start cheering for you. Dont give in to your fears.
When you go through a period of transformation it feels really uncomfortable, your out of your comfort zone, but l' ve yet to meet anyone whose come out the other side and said it wasn't worth it.
I am sure love will come your way again, but for now just try and make yourself feel as safe and as comfortable as you can, l listen to Mooji on youtube, his voice alone is so soothing, he guides you on how to empty your mind, get rid of all the noise and clutter, l often listen to him as l drift off to sleep, and feel much better for doing so, its really calming.

How are you doing Op ?

@Tempnamelady - I know you haven't posted for a while so things might have moved on for you - but reading your OP I just think you should consider contacting the work colleague you had an affair with and channelling your energy and love into getting back with him and potentially being a step mum for his children.

Fairly radical I know, but it just felt to me that may be the positive way forward when reading your post, so thought I'd just say. It may be completely wide of the mark. And I am not saying you'd do this overnight, or it wouldn't also have its challenges, but from your last post you do sound very bereft and directionless at the moment.

Your H sounds toxic and best completely left to his own devices with a divorce and clean break on all finances.

You had true happiness with the work colleague. It sounds like he must also be really struggling from your first post... and you could potentially help enormously as well as finding happiness yourself.

That may end up being a silver lining.

You're in a great position to enjoy the single life.

It will take time to get over the AP, it's as real as any other relationship, but that doesn't mean you need to go back. Enjoy being single for a while.

I'm widowed, which was incredibly hard and I miss DH dreadfully, but I can still enjoy the freedom of being single for the first time in 30 years.

OP, I did not think I had the strength to get through my divorce so I saw solicitor and asked her to do her best to get me good deal but not to keep asking me about stuff as too painful and difficult. Just to do her best and I would agree with what she could get me. In the end she did well and got me 55 per cent of house, pension share where I gained as I had stayed home before children started school, kept my car, he had to buy me out of business (50 percent) or agree to sell. He fought this in court but judge told him he was unrealistic in what he wanted to keep and agreed my solicitors plan. You can do this just get yourself a really good solicitor in as Nd trust them to get best deal for you.