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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex won't leave me alone

61 replies

advice22 · 30/01/2022 20:42

I was dating someone for around 6 months, this ended in august. He had strong feelings for me and these weren't reciprocated and for various other reasons, I chose to end the relationship.

Since then he has contacted me on and off, I've been polite in response but firmly stood my ground in that I did not wish to be with him.
The number of times he contacted me increased, and around October time we spoke on the phone as he wanted some further closure- which he went on to tell me how much he loved me, how he knew I felt the same and that I needed to let my walls down (I didn't and don't!).

After this I blocked him. He then messaged my work phone. I blocked him. Then he messaged my business Facebook page. I blocked him. Then my business insta. I blocked him.
Then 2 weeks ago he messaged my work phone from a different number. He's created a profile on a (dating ish) website so that he can message me and now today, he has emailed my business email address.
Each time I either block straight away or reply saying "leave me alone" and block straight away.

He's not saying anything horrible, just telling me how great things were when we were together (they weren't!) and telling me how he thinks I love him still (I definitely don't)

It's got to the point where I am dreading who it is when I hear my phone ping, I'm worried he will turn up at my door

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 23:12

Just read you've already told him you'll report him if he doesn't stop. You must follow through and do so. If the threat alone wasn't enough for him to stop, you will need police involvement so get that ASAP.

They won't care that you met on an adult site or wherever, their focus is on the harassment not the way you met - I promise.

Original poster

advice22 · 02/02/2022 21:25

I gave him another final warning like was suggested and today he has created another profile on the site and then contacted me again! To tell me that he has set an account up and I should block him.

He could have blocked me. Just feels like an excuse to get in touch again.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 21:46

You MUST go to the police, op. This is really serious.

Name99 · 02/02/2022 21:54

Please report this to the police, they won't care where you met, they will care that he is harassing you.
Have a look at this link, they can offer advice
www.suzylamplugh.org/

Original poster

advice22 · 02/02/2022 22:31

I've reported it online this evening.

I feel a bit silly that it's bothering me, I got quite tearful tonight when I saw he'd contacted me again. Just a stomach churning feeling of dread again.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 22:35

You have nothing to feel silly about. You need to take this very seriously.

Yamalt · 02/02/2022 22:53

His behaviour is illegal stalking and harassment.

Why do you feel silly for not wanted to be illegally stalked and harassed? Sounds like you need to work on your boundaries

RedCandyApple · 02/02/2022 22:57

Most people said to call the police now so I don’t see why you gave him a final warning when you said you had already given him once and he ignored it? Are you still on the site you met him on is that the site you mean he is messaging you on? If so I would come off for a while so he isn’t able to find you on there.

formalineadeline · 02/02/2022 23:09

Never respond to him again. Not to tell him to leave you alone, not to tell him you'll call the police. Never engage with him in any way.

Every time you tell him to leave you alone that is contact and he feeds on it. That was really crap and dangerous advice from posters encouraging you to engage with him again.

National Stalking Helpline are very good and actually know what they are talking about. They helped me and I would recommend them.

formalineadeline · 02/02/2022 23:11

www.suzylamplugh.org/refer-someone-to-us

You can phone or email them.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 03/02/2022 00:02

Do not respond or engage at all. Let the Police deal with it.

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/02/2022 05:50

God op how shit. Good on you for reporting and having boundaries. Keep all contact from him logged in a notepad and with police, date times ,type of contact online or phone etc. Could you also not report him to the website being used ?

DreamTheMoors · 03/02/2022 06:43

@advice22

I have said I would report him before but it didn't make any difference.

I'm a bit embarrassed to report him as we met on an 'adult' site (was supposed to be fwb type situation but developed into more) and I imagine I would have to tell the police this.

@advice22

Would you rather suffer a little embarrassment or potentially a lot of harm?

Btw - the police don’t care!

CALL. THE. POLICE.

Love, It Happened To Me

RedFlagsAllOver · 03/02/2022 06:46

Don't be embarrassed op. I met a bloke on an adult site too who started to get strange. One night he texted me threatening to off himself then he blocked me.
I only knew his phone number, first name and where he was from. Not address. So I called the police because I thought they might need to do a welfare check.
They asked me how I met him, I said well it's embarrassing but.. they said honestly don't worry we hear this kind of thing a lot. It wasn't fab swingers or whatever it was along the lines of only fans.

mugoftea456 · 03/02/2022 06:48

You need to make a separate report every time he contacts you.

Tell him firmly on text/email he is not to contact you any further.

IME the police will take this seriously after 2 separate reports.

TracyMosby · 03/02/2022 06:53

The entitlement of this man is unbelievable! How bloody dare he demand a relationship from you like you owe him!

Im glad you've reported him. He iant being nice or just wanting closure. He is harassing you and deliberately making you uncomfortable

RantyAunty · 03/02/2022 07:20

Have you reported him to the police and how did it go?

blitzen · 03/02/2022 07:40

Well done in reporting it. I was in a similar situation around 12 years ago and wish I had reported it. He had the same kind of entitlement but was also abusive. I know he has a partner and kids now and feel so guilty I didn't. Also still fear hearing from him despite no messages in a good 9 years now. You've done so well to report it x

Original poster

advice22 · 03/02/2022 14:55

Thanks everyone. I reported it online. Wrote a brief summary of what has happened. I wish I had phoned them instead.

He's messaged again this morning telling me how he knows I love him and I need to grow up and stop pretending to myself that I don't. His tone has definitely changed. I'm not convinced he hasn't found this post as this is the first time I've sensed anger in his messages, before it's just been... desperation.

OP posts:

AndrewPreview · 03/02/2022 14:59

You can still phone them OP. especially as more has happened since your online report and you feel his tone has changed.

Name99 · 03/02/2022 17:28

You need to report that he has contacted you again and you feel his tone has changed.
Please call them and report this incident to them .

Allpenguinsarepingus · 03/02/2022 17:47

This is stalking OP. You don’t have to wait for a response to your online report, you can call the police non-emergency number to report the latest message or just to ask for advice about how to handle this.

formalineadeline · 03/02/2022 18:25

@advice22

Thanks everyone. I reported it online. Wrote a brief summary of what has happened. I wish I had phoned them instead.

This is why you must not respond because he is taking it as confirmation you want the contact.

You still can phone the police. The behaviour has continued and is potentially escalating.

One of the reasons I recommended contacting the National Stalking Helpline (run by Suzy Lamplugh trust) is that they can advise you on how to navigate this with the police which might make you feel more confident in dealing with them and making sure they respond appropriately.

formalineadeline · 03/02/2022 18:34

But be aware that if you phone the police, you'll be speaking to a call handler initially not a police officer. What you need is for them to arrange an appointment for an officer to come and speak to you to take the full details.

Start the call by telling the call handler you are being stalked. Don't launch into the history and expect them to assess it - call handlers are just a triage to work out how urgently an officer should respond etc so the info they need is that you are being stalked.

Inthesameboatatmo · 03/02/2022 18:52

You need to report this to the police right away. Also don't answer him in any way do not acknowledge his messages at all.

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