Life on Hold

[Nouveaunew]

Oh wise Mumsnetters, what on Earth do I do? I broke up with my H over a year ago after a long history of breakups and makeups. I have felt so lonely and we continue to hang out regularly. My friend says I seem to be happy with just scraps. She’s right. But I can’t seem to let go. I’ve had loads of therapy and I know why I am this way but how to break this pattern and move forward is the tough part. Any ideas? I’ve missed out on so much already. I’d love to be happy without feeling responsible for my H. I feel like I could let myself be happy once he finds someone new. It feels like such a mess and i just can’t seem to let go.

Thanks

You’ve really got to break that chain and stop hanging out with him. Neither of you will move on/meet someone if you carry on like that. Try to plan nights out with friends or join some kind of class? Get it into your head that you’re not helping him by keeping these ties?
It’s early days - you’re not going to be totally back on your feet yet. It takes time for some of us.-1

Thank you for commenting @Honeyroar Breaking chains has been a lifelong struggle for me! He said to me yesterday that he hopes I’ll ‘give in’ soon. He was half joking but half serious too. We’re both so messed up when it comes to this relationship but otherwise we are reasonably ‘normal’ people. I feel so guilty that he has hope and I feel so lonely at the thoughts of no longer having him in my life.

You’ve got to do it. Otherwise this limbo is both your lives. Not a nice way to live! Don’t you want the chance of being with someone else in the future, someone better for you? What about trying to get a few counselling sessions?

To quote a Sting/Police song “if you love someone, set them free”.

Rip that plaster off and make your next “hang out” together your last one.

It does get easier. Honestly.

Oh, and it sounds like he feels like he has to be your safety-net (the “give in soon” comment). He wants to let go/move on but won’t because he feels sorry for you. That’s how I interpret that comment anyway.

I so appreciate your replies. This is affecting me so much. I really am afraid this limbo could last forever. I had a tough day in work today and it’s so hard having no-one to talk to., for me, it is having someone to talk to who knows me well that I need so much. He wants a sexual relationship but I have explained I’m not interested in that. I just don’t know how to keep on without the emotional support.

And not having someone in my life who cares deeply about me - that is very hard. I honestly don’t really know how to keep wading through this. I guess maybe I need distractions?!

Anyone there for a handhold? All I want to do is phone him and talk about my day.

Handhold from me. It really is incredibly hard

Thank you so much. I don’t know if I can go through this all over again … how did I make such a mess of my love life?

You've got to go cold turkey op, you're addicted to him.

Can you start to strengthen relationships with other people? Do you have family in your life? Can you try to develop colleagues into friends?

Yes I agree. I’m addicted to him. I do have friends but we meet every few weeks or months.

My parents are both autistic and there is no emotional support whatsoever from them.

I don’t have the type of friendships where we speak every day … and I’m ok with that as my friendships are very healthy but I guess it means I have to somehow figure out how to get through this. I’ve been here so many times before. I’m lying on my bed trying to go cold turkey but I feel so depressed (& have been prescribed anti depressants … I don’t use that term lightly).

I'm still very embroiled with my dh who I seperated from last summer. I just can't let go.
You're not alone in this mess.

Can you move away, start afresh somewhere different? Even just a couple of hours away. Ultimately you know what needs doing…cut the cord, block his number, don’t see him again.

Maybe get old, start seeing some other men to put some distance between you. But really, you’re the only one who can help yourself here….if you don’t you’ll waste a lot more time on this.

Do you feel up to dating again? You might start thinking differently if you go on the online dating apps and start chatting to someone new.

Also, it might be better to have an honest chat with your ex and say you both need to move on and seeing each other so regularly is stopping you from doing that. So at least you are being clear. You shouldn't feel guilty, it will be better for him in the end because he's holding onto a false hope.

Start trying to find other avenues of support. Can you also find other things to do in the evening like a hobby/ gym etc to keep you busy?

Message your friends and be honest that you're struggling. You might be surprised with who responds.

Your parents lack of emotional nurturing has left you the impression that people don't support each other. Or specifically don't support you. It's not a true picture of the wider world.

This does sound really difficult OP. If you are on Instagram, follow @thelovedrive. Shaun Galanos talks about this often & how to make the break.
Also, have a look at the book Attached by Amir Leivine. It explains our attachment style & why we are attracted to certain people.

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate them SO much. I struggle to wonder if I’ll ever let go and I hate that the other person always has to cut the chord - even when I know it’s wrong for me.

I’m listening to a podcast about codependency and hoping I can get through this week. He rang earlier so, like an addict needing their fix, I feel a little less bereft.

The idea of moving away is a good one. In the past it was the only way I could move on from men. The thing is I’m finally established in my career and I work on site (not from home) so moving too far isn’t an option.

It’s true about leaning on friends. I grew to believing you kept everything inside and didn’t share vulnerability. That doesn’t work!

I grew up believing is what I meant

I REALLY wanted to contact him today after work but I resisted. Thanks for your support

You’re doing well. That’s quite a few days that you have been strong. Pat yourself on the back.👏👏

Thank you @Honeyroar He did ring earlier today and we chatted but at least I didn’t suggest hanging out. I still feel so sad and as though I’m supposed to fix something or go back to make everything better. I think the relationship messed me up so much to be honest . I’m not blaming him - I’m past that stage. There was a pair of us in it

You have to want to do it. Break free that is.
One day though, you will get up one morning , or have an “incident” and that will be it for you and you won’t look back.

Or maybe you have to love yourself enough to let go off feeling that breadcrumbs are all you deserve.

Thanks @Pegsonstrings that’s what my friend said … that I deserve more. The truth is most of the long relationships I’ve had have been with guys who were interested in me. Those who I have been interested in have never wanted me back.