I don't know how to shake this anxious/lonely feeling of not mattering ** title edited by MNHQ**

[weirdtimeoflife]

I know that I am lucky to be here, lucky not to be ill (as far as I know), and that if I were my perspective would instantly change.

But I wanted to ask about other people’s experiences of this time of their lives – early 50s or roundabout.

I find it difficult. I’m divorced – that was my one relationship and it was an emotionally abusive one – so for many years before we separated I was living an emotionally really lonely life. Since then (late 40s) I have been on my own– and now at 53 I feel like I have got to an age where no one looks at me. Up until 51 I think it was a little different, but the past two years have changed how I feel on that front.

I am worried about two of my dc due to (different) issues they are both going through (school related).

I have an admin job – it is fine as jobs go – I am lucky. But I work in an environment where there are a lot of younger people and am sick of the invisibility – which also goes with the admin territory.

It feels that I live an invisible, plodding, stressed and lonely life. So lonely that I am panicking about this potentially being the last year at my dc’s secondary school (depending on what my youngest does next) as that will be lost contact (with teachers / welfare officers etc) for me and lost identity.

I would like to meet someone, but is it even possible if no one seems to notice me? In any case my marriage damaged me and I don’t know how to do relationships.

Lockdowns have damaged some of my friendships with other people. For so long now it has been just me and the dc in the house, and the pandemic made that a lot worse – I know lots of people feel the same.

Plus there is the family I haven't seen since before the pandemic - again like a lot of people.

I feel kind of irrelevant – as if it doesn’t really matter what I say about anything as most people will instantly have forgotten about me.

I also used to be a lot more joyful and hopeful about things – looking forward to things etc – whereas now I just worry about stuff.

At work some of us have moved offices. Where I am working it is possible not to see another person for an entire day unless I leave my room. This adds to the general feeling of not mattering.

This sounds like a lot of whining – the past two weeks I have felt quite down however – as if the darkness was closing in. Today felt better – the sunlight was lovely.

I am wondering - if you are at a similar stage and feel similar - what do you find difficult about it?

Or if you have managed to get to a better place, how have you done it?

I empathize with your position - utter mid life crisis and the nagging feeling that I am irrelevant.

My main issue is feeling like I am fundamentally an outsider and that I am at the point in life where “the die has been cast” in terms of choices I made in the past.

I feel a bit similar, @weirdtimeoflife. In the last year or so I’ve realised how few connections I have to people. Also feel invisible.

Sorry everyone feels similar .

I feel as if the charm has gone from my life. And I agree with what you said about the die being cast @realsavagelike.

I feel as if it’s now that choices in terms of a relationship really “bear fruit” in a way - not that it’s a choice really more the luck of the draw. I am envious of couples around my age who have been together a long time and who get on…

But I want to snap out of this whole way of thinking and still want a life - a relationship - fun - etc… But I don’t know if instead I should come to terms with the fact that a close relationship might not be on the cards for me and accept it.

It feels as if all the “brave” plodding I have been doing on my own since my divorce is pointless as no one actually cares?

Yes, I am 2 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage. I am really currently struggling with seeing people in functional relationships as I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again. I am envious of the same things as you, raising my children pretty much alone and thinking “it wasn’t meant to be like this”.

Yes I suppose I never really articulate that thought that it wasn’t supposed to be like this, but I am surprised by how hard I am finding things and sometimes wonder what on earth I did to end up so bloody lonely. A constant kind of ache.

If anyone has any advice on how to stop this horrible feeling of pointlessness I would be grateful. It’s like a sick kind of anxiety.

I'm 47 and feel the same, you described the feeling perfectly that kind of plod plod through life, seeing younger people, feeing invisible, I think lockdowns and covid has so much impact on ageing and confidence.

My solution is hopefully to get myself on HRT, I've read so so much about this stage of life and how we are driven by hormones that I thought I have nothing to loose, I may even push the boat out and ask for testosterone as well.

Just a thought?

Similar feelings to you, although different circumstances. In terms of practical things to help, I have found it helpful to create two written lists that I refer back to when I'm feeling a bit bleak. One is a list of things I can do to either make myself feel loved (self care I guess) or to divert my mind if I'm feeling anxious e.g give myself a manicure/pedicure, I've created a really nice bath set up, I like to read, do puzzles etc to distract myself. The second list is things I can do to make myself feel more connected to the world e.g call/message a friend, set up a meet up with friends or family (even if it feels like a massive effort to go), I volunteer one afternoon a week, go to the shops/library and say a cheery hello to people, go for a walk somewhere that I'll see lots of people. Just small things, but they can help a bit.

Yeah I can relate, I am almost morning my past choices and feel like the life I thought I would have is now out of reach due to my age. I am 50

I feel very much the same. In my old workplace only the under 40s got recognition and promotions. They also treated us differently. I’ve also been single for about 7 years and no interest from a man in all that time except from those over 60 ( I’m 50) . Nowadays I’m just plodding along trying to accept my lot in life, it’d tough but I don’t see it getting any better

I went on HRT, did wonders for my mood & general outlook & started a life changing chain of events. I decided I wanted some 'fun' & excitement so started looking for a FWB. I actually found a relationship, that then gave me the confidence to take a leap at work which doubled my salary. Life is really good now & unrecognisable to how it was last year.

I'm not saying HRT is a wonder drug that'll change everything, but peri-menopause creeps up & I didn't notice how down I'd got until I went back to 'normal'. Someone on another thread described peri as going through puberty again, backwards. It's a nightmare & you loose yourself, your optimism, your energy & your positive emotions. Everything feels like a pointless, thankless, chore. No way was I wasting some of the best years of my life feeling like that.

And stay away from the older men, they'll drag you down to their level & it's a miserable place full of erectile dysfunction, their deteriorating health & increasing expectations for you to look after them.

Oh OP, you can absolutely turn your life around and start to feel positive about yourself. Many women of peri/meno age go through some horrendous times of anxiety, self doubt as well as physical symptoms.

Look into and read about HRT, Dr Louise Newson is a famous meno doctor and has many resources online to look at.

Read about overcoming trauma as you suffered emotional abuse for years, your confidence and self esteem will be low. Pete Walker Complex PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving is an excellent read. (Book and online).

Self care and love for yourself should be your priorities now. I went through a period of feeling irrelevant and invisible... I couldn't give a shit now! I took anti-depressants for a year which helped hugely. I'm now on HRT and supplements and feel so much more at peace with myself.

You can get there OP, I wish you all the best x

@CluelessAt50 your OP made me laugh about staying away from older men . I'd add to that and say any men ha. I went years single feeling low and inadequate that I couldn't meet anyone. Then I did and thought everything was wonderful, I've finally met 'the one' etc etc. Over a year or so later I couldn't stand him, needy sulky twat, emotionally abusive looking back... It's put me off for life, no more longing and Im very happy with that. I value my independence now.

10 years ago I was where you're at, @weirdtimeoflife, but I agree entirely with @crystalize. In a nutshell, and in no particular order, this is how I turned my life around:

Started counselling - took a few attempts to find the right therapist, but it opened my eyes to things about my life and relationships, and how I approached the whole business of living that I'd not previously thought about.

Also read lots of self-help books and stuff about attachment styles, self-esteem, 'mindfulness' et cetera.

Made a conscious effort to reconnect with old friends and find new ones. To begin with it often felt like I had to do most of the tunning, but it paid off in the end. Went to lots of meetup events, which proved to be an excellent source of new friends, as well as being a splendid way of filling what might otherwise have been sad and lonely weekends.

Started going to go to the theatre, musical events, exhibitions and really tried to expand my horizons. I often went alone, which felt a bit weird to begin with, but I soon realised that nobody cared.

I began to workout seriously with YouTube trainers like Lucy Wyndham Read, Rebecca Louise, Heater Robertson, Caroline Girvan and walked, walked walked a lot. Within a few months I became seriously fit and it changed not just my health but my entire outlook.

Finally, I started playing the piano again and took up painting. Whilst I continue to struggle with the former, I found that I'm actually very good at the latter. But most importantly, I thoroughly enjoy it and I find it extremely rewarding. Also made some good friends who are painters through our shared interest.

What I found most helpful, though, was that I started to prioritise my own wants and needs and made huge efforts to reign in my people pleasing tendencies - whilst still being a supportive and loving parent and friend.

I totally identify with how you feel, although I do have a DP (we don't live together).

The last few weeks I've been feeling like such a failure in life. My children are in their 20's and I worry that they find me dull and embarrassing.

Even up to a couple of years ago I constantly was told I looked young for my age...now I have put in more weight, lockdown aged me a lot and nobody ever says I look young for my age any more 😂

I'm having a bit of a crisis at the moment, so solidarity OP...menopause age is very hard.

I feel very much like you.
My kids no longer need me, I only hear from them when they want something. That’s the hardest part to come to terms with.
I wish my DH would piss off and leave me alone.
I’m not that fussed about going out any more, I think that’s a consequence of lock down.
One glass of wine makes me drunk now, so I can’t even do that.
A barrel of fat has appeared around my middle.
Yes, feel invisible.

HRT sounds like a great plan. I would also suggest taking up exercise and getting a dog (you will never be irrelevant to your Labrador 😂). Most of all I would say: change your job, it sounds like a real drag!

Re the men thing. At 53 I was divorced and had had no interest from any man for about 10 years, including my XH. So I went on OLD just looking for sex, the simplest (to me) aspect of relationships. I found some lovely obliging men who wanted the same thing, honestly they are ten a penny. After a rather outrageous year I found a regular FWB 7 years younger than me. A year later he fell in love with me. Two years after I’ve fallen in love with him. I don’t know what the future holds but at 59 I’m excited for it!

My point I think OP is that the feelings you’re having are telling you: make changes. Some things are constant in life (eg your love and worry for your DC) but most things can be changed if you push yourself.

And everything @FlowerArranger said, especially a bit of counselling. Good luck 💐

I agree, HRT, a bit of counselling, look after yourself

@FlowerArranger Reading your post was very inspiring, a kindred sister! I'm going to look up some of the Youtube trainers you mentioned and I really want to start painting... (I see myself living near the sea in North Wales walking and painting, once my youngest has flown the nest)

OP we absolutely must put the effort in if we are unhappy and want to change our lives. Never give up hope! Keep posting and reading others' experiences here.

@crystalize - kindred sisters indeed

If you're interested in painting, there are LOTS of contemporary professional artists posting on YouTube. I don't know what style of painting you're interested in, but I'd really recommend starting out with a bit of drawing and abstract art.

I love abstract expressionism. Some of the painters I follow are Louise Fletcher, Pamela Caughey and Betty Franks, as well as a (subtitled) German lady who goes by the moniker of Künstlerstreich.

There's also a Welsh chap called Clive who offers lots of practical tips. Oh, and a MOMA teacher called Corey d'Augustine who has posted lots of tuterials about different painting styles and techniques.

Have fun!

Thanks for all the messages - I am sorry so many people feel similar.

I am going to reply in more detail later (currently on my lunch break), but I wanted to say thanks.

Regarding HRT - I am worried about going down that route as my Mum died of breast cancer. I know that they now say that it potentially (and also depending on the type of HRT?) causes a very small increase in the risk of getting breast cancer - a negligible risk and only after a certain amount of time - but still I am worried.

Also - what happens when you come off HRT eventually - do you have to go through all the same symptoms again (the gloom / sleeplessness etc)?

But maybe I should look into it as it would be great not to cry every two seconds (slight exaggeration but still).

Regarding men - I know to be single after being so enmeshed with my ex is a gift. But I kind of feel cheated of the relationship that I could have had and would still like to have - open / communicative / kind / fun . I feel that the life I would like to have is out of reach - love happens to other people... I feel that I could potentially have a lot to offer the right person but no one knows . Relationship as a vehicle for growth and change...

But then if I did meet someone there would be so much resting on the whole thing it would be far too much pressure... for them I mean. And a lot of anxiety for me.

Got to go - will write more later :)

I second/third etc all the HRT recommendations - I feel transformed 18 months after starting along with testosterone.

A good friend of mine has started under the care of Dr Newson and she’s just finished breast cancer treatment - she’s been assured there is no greater risk than many other lifestyle factors (such as the consumption of even a small amount of alcohol) most of which are never flagged to women, whereas HRT carries other cancer-reducing benefits and can also transform your life!

I feel your pain!
I do.

Try and focus and build on the things you enjoy and the more you do those,
the easier it becomes.
Menopause and aging is wierd,I still feel 18 but im way older!
Life has many hurdles so let's help each other.