I don't know how to shake this anxious/lonely feeling of not mattering ** title edited by MNHQ**

[weirdtimeoflife]

I know that I am lucky to be here, lucky not to be ill (as far as I know), and that if I were my perspective would instantly change.

But I wanted to ask about other people’s experiences of this time of their lives – early 50s or roundabout.

I find it difficult. I’m divorced – that was my one relationship and it was an emotionally abusive one – so for many years before we separated I was living an emotionally really lonely life. Since then (late 40s) I have been on my own– and now at 53 I feel like I have got to an age where no one looks at me. Up until 51 I think it was a little different, but the past two years have changed how I feel on that front.

I am worried about two of my dc due to (different) issues they are both going through (school related).

I have an admin job – it is fine as jobs go – I am lucky. But I work in an environment where there are a lot of younger people and am sick of the invisibility – which also goes with the admin territory.

It feels that I live an invisible, plodding, stressed and lonely life. So lonely that I am panicking about this potentially being the last year at my dc’s secondary school (depending on what my youngest does next) as that will be lost contact (with teachers / welfare officers etc) for me and lost identity.

I would like to meet someone, but is it even possible if no one seems to notice me? In any case my marriage damaged me and I don’t know how to do relationships.

Lockdowns have damaged some of my friendships with other people. For so long now it has been just me and the dc in the house, and the pandemic made that a lot worse – I know lots of people feel the same.

Plus there is the family I haven't seen since before the pandemic - again like a lot of people.

I feel kind of irrelevant – as if it doesn’t really matter what I say about anything as most people will instantly have forgotten about me.

I also used to be a lot more joyful and hopeful about things – looking forward to things etc – whereas now I just worry about stuff.

At work some of us have moved offices. Where I am working it is possible not to see another person for an entire day unless I leave my room. This adds to the general feeling of not mattering.

This sounds like a lot of whining – the past two weeks I have felt quite down however – as if the darkness was closing in. Today felt better – the sunlight was lovely.

I am wondering - if you are at a similar stage and feel similar - what do you find difficult about it?

Or if you have managed to get to a better place, how have you done it?

Would a new Haircut Help?
I've found it can feel freeing and
Lighter.
I try to walk half an hour at least, a day and it really boosts my mental health ,whatever the weather, it is so envigorating and I feel I have achieved something.
I hope you find a trusted GP to help guide you about HRT.
Best of luck.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, weirdtimeoflife. Outwardly I’ve not been in your situation since before I married many moons ago. Inwardly, many of us feel more irrelevant than we like to admit. (NB ‘feeling’ isn’t the same as ‘being’: often we don’t realise our positive impact on others, eg on DCs.) My perspective changed considerably after I stumbled across School of life videos on YouTube. You could start with The Eight Rules of The School of Life. (Sorry no link - my first ever MN post and I’m not really into social media.) Their weekly videos promote emotional intelligence and have helped me see that very little is as it actually seems. Personally, I’ve found it comforting to know that most of us are lonelier than ‘happy’ people appear to the outside world. All the best.