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Original poster

How important is it to "fancy" someone?

36 replies

EmoFringe2008 · 30/01/2022 18:08

I'm recently single. One of my old colleagues' son has admired me from afar for a while. I get on really well with his mum (I'm 33 and she's 60) He asked me on a date so I went.
I can't say the initial attraction is there. He doesn't have the usual dress sense I would go for, he dresses smart like a flannel shirt, a long coat and shoes, he isn't ugly by any means but he is probably a little shorter than me. He's recently moved back in with his mum and they have a lot of pets and he had a kind of "household with pets" smell about him haha!
He's lovely though. He was so kind and sweet. I told him my daughters dad hasn't sent any money and she needs new babygrows (just in conversation) and he left £20 in the car and won't take it back. He says he just wants me and the kids happy.

I don't know.. can it work if at first sight you don't think "wow"?

OP posts:
Catcrazy83 · 30/01/2022 18:09

Nope from me

Catcrazy83 · 30/01/2022 18:09

Also, the forcing money on you, red flag

PearlclutchersInc · 30/01/2022 18:10

Erm, no. Not in the long term.

freeandfierce · 30/01/2022 18:14

I didn't fancy my bf at first, slow burn as friends for a year then over time I fell for him. I'd ended a 28yr abusive marriage and couldn't contemplate ever dancing anyone ever again. He says he recognised that which is why he was happy to be my friend initially to prove he would be a good match for me. He treats me with so much respect, I feel very nurtured by him without being smothered. I fancy him like crazy now!

5128gap · 30/01/2022 18:48

I'd have said give it a chance, until you got to the £20 which is all kinds of awful and inappropriate.

Ikeameatballs · 30/01/2022 18:52

I think you can meet someone in a neutral setting where you get to know them over time and start to fancy them and develop a connection BUT when dating like this, and in online dating, there really isn’t that opportunity. It’s a shame but in these circumstances I’d definitely end it now.

Magnified x 1000 due to the money and his mum being your colleague.

Crimeismymiddlename · 30/01/2022 18:52

Um no, the pet smell would put me right off, as would the living with mum. The deal breaker is the money-so completely inappropriate.

NineteenSeventy2 · 30/01/2022 18:52

No.

I married a man I didn’t really fancy (stupid and naive) and lived an unhappy marriage for over 20 years before I decided enough was enough. And, yes, my head was turned.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/01/2022 18:54

@Ikeameatballs

I think you can meet someone in a neutral setting where you get to know them over time and start to fancy them and develop a connection BUT when dating like this, and in online dating, there really isn’t that opportunity. It’s a shame but in these circumstances I’d definitely end it now.

Magnified x 1000 due to the money and his mum being your colleague.

Why can't it happen on dates like these?
Ikeameatballs · 30/01/2022 18:58

@Gwenhwyfar because you’d probably have to keep dating for a really long time! And most people who are dating in this way want to move on, to sex in particular but to a relationship, pretty quickly. I might be happy to let things bubble along for 6 months and develop with someone I saw once a week coincidentally at a hobby until I was sure I fancied them. I wouldn’t be prepared to date in the same way.

TatianaBis · 30/01/2022 19:00

Pet smell - well it depends if he smells of clean sawdust or pee really.

I have ultimately had great chemistry with people I initially didn’t fancy. But I did get on with them very well from the start. Did you actually click socially? If not you will never grow to fancy him.

The height thing would be an issue for me. But then I’m nearly 6 foot.

liveforsummer · 30/01/2022 19:04

I do t think the money was appropriate, it's a bit weird although I'd not have been sharing thise financial details with a first date so I guess it works both ways there. I think a lot of those things you list will big you more and more if time goes on if you're not really in to him. All potential 'ick' triggers

BertramLacey · 30/01/2022 19:04

Lack of initial attraction - not a problem. Sometimes these things develop.

Dress sense - well if he dressed like Marilyn Manson and that's not what you're into maybe, but otherwise it's a shallow way to make decisions.

Shorter than you - not a problem.

Pet smell - depends on you really. I spend a lot of time around animals.

Living with his mum - bad sign.

Leaving you £20 and not taking it back - run for the hills. Manipulative and weird.

FlamingRoses · 30/01/2022 19:05

I didn’t fancy my husband the first time or even the second time we met. The third, absolutely.

lopape · 30/01/2022 19:13

I don't think it's a match but I don't see the money as super wierd as everyone else said.
In fact, I'll do the same for a friend to mentioned money issues (especially in regards to their baby!!). I think he was just being nice - but that's not a reason to date them !

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/01/2022 19:23

@5128gap

I'd have said give it a chance, until you got to the £20 which is all kinds of awful and inappropriate.
Yes this. (Although the pet smell is something that would need a quick fix regardless.)
Mananna · 30/01/2022 19:23

I have a friend who went on a date with a guy from an online dating site. She told us he seemed really nice and they got on, but there was just no spark, she didn't fancy him, so didn't think there was any point in a second date.

We persuaded her to go on one more date with him, as attraction doesn't have to be instant. They are now very happily married with three children.

MrsLighthouse · 30/01/2022 19:25

I wouldn’t see someone being generous as a huge a red flag as some people are saying ….but you are too young to settle for a man you don’t fancy . The musky smell would be a total turn off for me ! Imagine him in you bed and if you feel in any way repulsed the friend zone him pretty damn quick !

TatianaBis · 30/01/2022 19:28

I would definitely give £20 to someone who couldn’t afford babygrow. I don’t think that’s a problem per se.

Blossomandbee · 30/01/2022 19:33

I think giving you the money probably came from a good place, if a little inappropriate.

You don't fancy him though. Sometimes attraction can grow, but I do think you have to like their smell it's part of the chemistry. It sounds like he gives you the ick on everything to be honest and I don't think you can change that.

DatingDinosaur · 30/01/2022 19:41

If you’ve not got The Feels, you’ve not got The Feels.

Granted, they can develop over time but that’s usually when it’s a mutual friendship.

Perhaps, with being newly out of a relationship the timing’s wrong.

There’s nothing in The Rule Book saying you have to fancy everyone you go on a date with.

For sure, if he’s admired you from afar for a while, he’ll be disappointed, but you gave it a go and your gut feeling is saying he’s not the one for you.

No need for the character assassination to justify a Lack Of Feels.

RantyAunty · 30/01/2022 19:44

Is he still employed?

Normando91 · 30/01/2022 19:45

I don’t really understand why people are saying the money thing is inappropriate and manipulative?? He probably genuinely just thought he was doing a nice thing.

I do think it is important to fancy the person you’re going to be with, although attraction can absolutely grow the more you get to know someone.

Height would be an issue for me as I’m quite tall and would feel strange with someone smaller.

It’s completely up to you though, if you just don’t feel it’s right then don’t push it.

Sunnytwobridges · 30/01/2022 21:04

The money wouldn't be a biggie to me as you mentioned it on the first date which I do find weird.

Living with his mum wouldn't bother me, things happen and living as a single person is tough, I've been there.

The animal smells would bother me and I love animals. But I have a sensitive nose.

And his sense of style would worry me a little, I will admit that how a man dresses is one of the ways I become attracted to them. But I wouldn't write him off.

The biggest thing would be the height, I'm not very tall but I'm broad shouldered, so I would feel huge next to someone shorter than me unless they were super fit. My ex was my height but 50 lighter and smaller framed and i always felt like the man in our relationship. Grin

all that to say I would give him a second chance, sometimes a second date can change your feelings one way or the other.

Rno3gfr · 30/01/2022 21:20

I don’t understand how leaving £20 to help someone in need is considered sinister? I’ve lived in poverty before and I would have been touched by someone’s offer to help.

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