How important is it to "fancy" someone?

[EmoFringe2008]

I'm recently single. One of my old colleagues' son has admired me from afar for a while. I get on really well with his mum (I'm 33 and she's 60) He asked me on a date so I went.
I can't say the initial attraction is there. He doesn't have the usual dress sense I would go for, he dresses smart like a flannel shirt, a long coat and shoes, he isn't ugly by any means but he is probably a little shorter than me. He's recently moved back in with his mum and they have a lot of pets and he had a kind of "household with pets" smell about him haha!
He's lovely though. He was so kind and sweet. I told him my daughters dad hasn't sent any money and she needs new babygrows (just in conversation) and he left £20 in the car and won't take it back. He says he just wants me and the kids happy.

I don't know.. can it work if at first sight you don't think "wow"?

[quote Ikeameatballs]@Gwenhwyfar because you’d probably have to keep dating for a really long time! And most people who are dating in this way want to move on, to sex in particular but to a relationship, pretty quickly. I might be happy to let things bubble along for 6 months and develop with someone I saw once a week coincidentally at a hobby until I was sure I fancied them. I wouldn’t be prepared to date in the same way.[/quote]
But some people might be? Not sure how many other women this man is dating or likely to date in the very near future.

I don’t understand how leaving £20 to help someone in need is considered sinister? I’ve lived in poverty before and I would have been touched by someone’s offer to help.

Giving someone money creates either a debt or a sense of obligation. In the early stages of dating I don't want to have to negotiate either of those things. Now his impulses may have been kind, but he is unaware of this. I don't really like that.

@Normando91

I don’t really understand why people are saying the money thing is inappropriate and manipulative?? He probably genuinely just thought he was doing a nice thing.

I do think it is important to fancy the person you’re going to be with, although attraction can absolutely grow the more you get to know someone.

Height would be an issue for me as I’m quite tall and would feel strange with someone smaller.

It’s completely up to you though, if you just don’t feel it’s right then don’t push it.

The OP made a remark in conversation about issues with her ex. Rather than just listening to her, he immediately took it upon himself to fix it for her. The implication being that he sees OP as incapable of sorting her own affairs without him. Already. After one date. Not only is this condescending and patronising, its also extremely tactless. Most people would find being give £20 on a first date to buy clothes for their child highly embarrassing. His comment he wants what's best for her and her children is very arrogant (he knows what's best?) and hugely overstepping his position of virtual stranger. It wouldn't have been so bad had he accepted her refusal, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. No woman should date a man who won't accept the word no, whatever the context. At best it says he doesn't care what she wants, as long as he gets to feel good about himself, at worst, he doesn't respect a woman's right to refuse.

Oh bollocks. She’s short of money go buy babygrow, he gave her £20, the end.

It doesn’t need the overthinking and pained obsessive theorising beloved by some MNers.

Just because it can work if at first sight you don't think "wow", doesn't mean you have to take it any further with this bloke. Nor do you have any obligation to give him another chance because you get on well with his mum.

FFS, she said she needs money for new clothes for a baby. Anybody with half an ounce of decency would have given some cash. Mumsnet is bloody weird sometime.ms. 🤔

There needs to be some attraction.

It might not be instant but I think you'd know after 4 or 5 dates if there's any spark at all.

I think leaving you £20 was a kind gesture. Particularly the leaving it in your car so it was done without any big show.

Kindness is a good thing in my opinion.

The money aside, which I don't have a strong view on.... Yes. You should find them intriguing, interesting, worthy of attention in some way. It doesn't have to be physical rip your clothes off sort of thing...but they need to pique you in some way. And you them.

I’m not a very attractive person, very overweight, etc. If I’m honest the kind of people who want to date me aren’t your typically attractive types. In the serious relationships I’ve had I have t fancied any of them right away but I have obviously fancied them eventually.

@TatianaBis

I would definitely give £20 to someone who couldn’t afford babygrow. I don’t think that’s a problem per se.

Me too. I don't see why him being compassionate financially is a big red flag. Nor do I think temporarily living with parents is a bad thing. These days rent/mortgage are so cripplingly expensive that it makes sense to live in the family home for a few months if you have split up with someone or are switching jobs etc. But if he showed no signs of wanting to move on I'd worry.

@lopape

I don't think it's a match but I don't see the money as super wierd as everyone else said. In fact, I'll do the same for a friend to mentioned money issues (especially in regards to their baby!!). I think he was just being nice - but that's not a reason to date them !

I thought that too! He genuinely sounds kind and he's known the OP from afar for a good while, and was just being thoughtful since her situation sounded really dire if affording baby gros for her baby is an issue. she was the one after all who told him about it!