Trying so hard not to pick up the phone

[LittleKitten1]

I have established that I am feeling unhappy with how a new relationship is going. He's not that in to me.

It's been a couple of months. I've posted about it already this week and was given such helpful advice. From your help I am aware I have an anxious attachment style. And that he is not as available/ keen as I am.

I developed feelings very quickly and the physical side of the relationship is insanely good. But he leaves me hanging with messages, commitment to plans etc. and it just isn't any fun in between meets.. it hurts because I am in that Lust zone. I'm all over the place. And he is cool. He hasn't opened my last message, sent 16 hours ago! There was a chance we were seeing eachother today so I am disappointed not to have heard anything.

Sitting on my hand. Trying so hard not to reread previous messages, and trying not to text him.
I feel sick. And low.

Any advice on how I can stop feeling like this. Or make time pass quicker. Or anything really, any little distraction.

I do not want to contact him. I'm worrying that I will.

The best advice is to delete his messages and his contact details. Reading things over will just be upsetting. Delete them and then it's out of your hands.

Absolutely agree. Delete number and messages.
The longer you can go without talking or seeing him the better.

Read lalalalaletmeexplain on Instagram. She will remind you that you could text him, he could say, meh why not, come on over, and you could go, only to have a tepid night which you're trying to chivvy along, with some rubbish sex that tomorrow you'll regret.

Go out instead x

This man is enjoying treating you like shit. You're really going to allow this? Block this arsehole right now. Raise your standards.

The sex would be amazing though. He is nice and v caring when I actually do hear from him... it's just that it's intermittent and is not as keen as I am. I haven't broken it off I just want to take 2 steps back. I think. Or maybe I do want it to end.

He just likes having sex with you
He’s not interested in the relationship stuff.

No amount of “amazing” sex is worth what you’re experiencing now. Wasting a Sunday agonising over someone who probably hasn’t given you a second thought.

Delet the messages block him and forget him he isn’t going to give you what you want.

Any advice on how I can stop feeling like this. Or make time pass quicker. Or anything really, any little distraction.

Write down the things that bug you about him on a piece of paper. Put it on top of your phone.

Read them.

Read them again.

And some more.

Your starter for ten:

He’s got what he wanted now he’s backing off – I feel hurt and confused.
He’s only in touch because he’s got the horn again – I won’t be used like that, how dare he!
He can’t be arsed to read/respond to my messages – I bet he’s loving the attention and the ego trip of dangling me on a string whilst I’m waiting for a reply. Twat.
I’m not seeing him today – he let me down, and not even an explanation or apology - I’m pissed off and hurt about that. He’s not getting the chance to do that to me again.
A decent, genuine guy wouldn’t do any of the above.
I know it’s only lust/sex hormones that’s making me want him and I know these go in time. Now where’s that vibrator…?
MY attachment style has got nothing to do with HIM being a prick.

Time will pass quicker when you keep yourself busy doing other stuff. Yes, even the stuff like housework, lol.

You got it! Any little distraction works. Take each moment as it comes. If you waver, read that list again. Keep busy!

And on that note, I’m off to complete one of my “Keep Busy” tasks (yes I wrote a list) – washing the lunchtime pots

I am in the EXACT same position today @LittleKitten1 .... you've got to play it cool...distract yourself, go out, go mental cleaning! I am finding it really hard too but at the same time I know what a bad idea it would be - you can do it !

OP, I could have written your post (and pretty much did in my own thread)

I was seeing someone for 5 months recently and it went how you describe. He was keen and caring in person and when he did get in contact, however he would go days without texting me or responding to me. He wouldn't confirm plans so I'd be sat about waiting for him to get in contact to tell me what time he was free last minute. I felt how you describe, anxious. In those 5 months things never progressed because he simply wasn't that into me. I thought he was, he came across as so lovely and sincere in person, but when someone is keen they want to see you.

Earlier this month I ended things with him. He'd barely got in touch over Christmas and then he didn't get in touch over New Year so I sent him a message saying we were on different pages.

I feel so much better having done this! No more waiting around, no more anxiety. And better, now I am dating again to find someone who can offer me what I want and need.

As a PP said yes you could message him, he'd probably agree to see you. However, that does not solve the crux of the problem and you'd never know whether he would instigate contact, or prefer it to fizzle out.

You have two options:

1. End things.
2. Explain to him exactly how you feel, say you need more contact inbetween dates and you need him to make more of an effort. And then sit back and watch.

I also second deleting his number and messages.

Good luck!

Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

5 more hours until I am (hopefully) asleep and this day is done. The first day where I haven't made contact. I hope the only way is up

AHHhhh what have I done!!!
In the three minutes since I last posted
He messaged and I replied instantly. Within the minute.
FFS

@LittleKitten1

AHHhhh what have I done!!! In the three minutes since I last posted He messaged and I replied instantly. Within the minute. FFS

I suppose you'll remain a doormat until you finally decide you're worth more than occasional scraps from a man who just keeps you on the hook for an easy shag.

Delete Delete Delete. Block and move on with dignity op.

I hope your reply was along the lines of “what the fuck took you so long to reply? I thought we agreed we would probably do something today, this is a shitty way to treat me”.

Ask him how he feels. If it's an important relationship to you don't give up on it, he may just be a very different type of person contact wise than you are, it doesn't mean that you mean less to him or that it won't work. My hubby and I are still like this and we've been together over 30 years the only difference being that I know him really well and I know it's not a reflection of his feelings, he just doesn't think the same way I do 🙄😄

Oh come on OP. This is not a good relationship. No one takes 16 hours to respond to a message unless they are not interested or they are playing games. And he's got you right where he wants you!

I saw your last thread - no amount of amazing sex is worth all this angst. It's just not healthy - you're either checking your phone every minute for what? A brief respite where you feel amazing because he's messaged you?

In your last post you described it as a 'casual relationship', which you have dropped for this post I notice. I still think you're both on really different pages, and he's operating on the basis of what he thinks is happening - casual thing, no need for big expectations. You on the other hand are operating on the basis of a different relationship expectation.

You really need to either a) discuss it with him or b) end it officially and then walk away, so the deleting etc

I totally get why you're posting now to stop you from messaging - but I don't know if he's a bad guy. He's a guy who thinks he's in a casual relationship, the boundaries of which have never been established?

Read this article to understand what’s going on with him www.vulture.com/amp/article/joss-whedon-allegations.html

Trade good sex for respect/dignity? Its Never. Never. Worth the trade. Get yourself properly into that mindset. More than validation or lust or any number of things - respect for yourself, your needs, your time will trump it. He can be as nice as he likes but if he ignores a message for an entire day when there was the suggestion of meeting today then - this is scraps from the table and everyone deserves a full meal. Delete all his messages and his number. Pat yourself solidly on the back

Hope you’ve not gallivanted off for some more amazing sex that will leave you pacing the floor a couple of days later

This is how it's always going to be, why settle for this, where do you think the future lies with this relationship, more if the same until you get so frustrated and end it.

I been there is similar circumstances, all that happened is I wasted a lot of time which I now regret.

If I have learned nothing else in life, I've learned that when men are properly keen, you need a flamethrower to hold them off. They are so worried that someone else may sense your wonderfulness and take it away from them that they don't play games (like not responding for 16 hours on the day you have possible plans)

I wish I'd known this 40 odd years ago as many hours of sitting by a phone (literally back then) would have been saved.

Expect more and better for yourself

What did he text you and how did you respond?

LittleKitten, you’ve recently identified this guy as your FWB for whom you’ve developed feelings. He set the ‘casual’ boundary from the beginning, telling you his work and life were too busy to develop a relationship.

As @Getbehindme commented, it appears that the parameters of the arrangement were left undefined. You’ve written about your frustration with his intermittent contact, failing to set the next meet-up when together, and his ‘last minute’ plans.

Except for the sex, your wants/needs are incompatible. You want commitment and more contact, while he wants a FWB situation with little to no structure. Frankly, he doesn’t even behave as a Friend if he waits 16 hours to read your messages. He’s in it for the benefits.

You already know the lay of the land, LittleKitten. He’s not the right person for you. Continuing on this path will only lead to more anxiety and heartache.

What did he text you and how did you respond?

He just said some non flirty stuff about having had a lot of work to catch up on for a huge project this week. And that there had been some sudden damage in his house that he had been sorting out as well. Asked me about my weekend.. I replied and got nothing back (again). So yes. You are all absolutely right this is causing too much anxiety and upset to possibly be worth it unless I can be a FWB only... which I just don't think I can be.

It's like there is some kind of personality transplant when we are together / apart. From really interested and attracted to not fussed at all.

I haven't messaged this morning. I won't open anything he sends today. It was a mistake yesterday. I might take some sleeping pills this evening so I just fall asleep at 8pm and don't even see anything he might send when horny this evening. If he even does. I don't want to be awake.