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Original poster

Partner moving away for work

34 replies

Jodie1982 · 29/01/2022 23:47

In a relationship. ( Live in UK) Have been for 9yrs. We have 3 children, 9. 7 and 5 years. My partner is an assistant manager in a bar, makes £9 an hour. He has been offered to manage a pub elsewhere but because it's so far away he would have to move into the apartment above the pub. It is good money, but I don't know how our relationship would survive as I would only see him X2 a week, also worrying about how my children would manage barely seeing Daddy. He doesn't seem to understand my worries. We have had relationship issues in the past because he has left me for another woman etc...is this why I'm worrying so much? I know he'd love to run a bar/pub by himself, but I don't know how a relationship would work seeing eachother X2 a week. Any advice?

OP posts:
Suzi9989 · 30/01/2022 00:27

I don't think your the decision maker here. If he's made his mind up to take the job, am afraid he's made the choice.

You are strong, the children are resilient. I wish you luck and love with the journey ahead 💐

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2022 00:29

We have had relationship issues in the past because he has left me for another woman etc...

And he's going to be living alone above a pub? Yup, he'll be cheating within a month.

user1481840227 · 30/01/2022 00:31

He doesn't seem to understand my worries.
Of course he understands, he's just choosing not to care.

We have had relationship issues in the past because he has left me for another woman etc...is this why I'm worrying so much?

No, most people would be worried in your situation even if he hadn't previously left.
But in your situation after you took him back he should be doing everything in his power to make you feel safe and secure and like he's committed to his family which includes day to day family life.

If his mind is made up then I'd end the relationship if I were you if you're not happy with the arrangement.

RoyKentsChestHair · 30/01/2022 00:31

My XH worked away when my DCs were very little. TBH it was fine, kids didn’t seem too upset about it (they currently only see him a couple of times a year as he works abroad!) but it did highlight that I was perfectly able to cope on my own, and I eventually ended the marriage.

Given your man’s precious behaviour I wouldn’t be ok with him working in a pub away from home. Too much temptation. I know you can’t keep him under lock and key but this sounds like a dream job for a cheat, room and board above a job full of drunk women.

RoyKentsChestHair · 30/01/2022 00:32

Previous

Original poster
Jodie1982 · 30/01/2022 00:46

Ladies. Thank you so much. I knew I had every right to be worrying. He's just texted me now to say he's staying behind to have a few drinks after to work with his work mate...probs won't get in till 4am...again. And he wants to run a Pub??

OP posts:
jimmyjammy001 · 30/01/2022 02:58

Running a bar is a 14 hour a day 7 days a week job, he won't get hardly anytime to pop back home to see you, I doubt even once a week and if he does will only be a few hours, not a job to be doing when toy have 3 children at home even with better pay

timeisnotaline · 30/01/2022 03:06

Does he have no parental responsibilities at all?? I think this is it op. And if he’s left for someone else before he will be cheating on you within weeks if he’s living above a pub. Don’t put you or the dc through that.

layladomino · 30/01/2022 09:23

What about his parental responsibilities?

I think if one partner works away from the start, then you make youre decisions based on that assumption. But if one partner decides to do that once you have a life established, it should absolutely be a 2 person decision. Even if you don't have children. But with children (3 children!) thrown in to the mix, of course he can't make that decision without you being totally on board.

Who does he think will do all the parenting?

And even if that wasn't an issue, I can understand why you are concerned when he has form for cheating. Although pub work can be full on, busy, no time for thinking about your love life - when you live over the pub, and can do after hours drinks etc - the temptation will be there. If he was trustworthy then that wouldn't be an issue. But you know he isn't.

Would you consider setting out that this won't work for you as a family, and your understandable concerns about his history, and say that if he goes, he is choosing the job over you and your relationship. Ask him which is more important?

JustKittenAround · 30/01/2022 09:36

Put your foot down he has responsibilities. This won’t end well. He might not be your romantic partner when this is said and done but he has responsibilities to his children.

No amount of money this job will bring that can alleviate him from the requirements of being a good partner and father.

Don’t buy any hogwash.

He will do as he will do, but don’t waste a moment and all the agony of time that will come with knowledge of the truth.

My best wishes

SoonbeSpringtime · 30/01/2022 10:51

Putting aside the difficulties you've had in the past and the potential for similar to develop if you're apart most of the time, I'd say that after 9 years together and 3 children, you barely seem to be in a partnership. Has there been no discussion? no exploring options of you all moving nearer so that he can have a better job, but you remain a family unit?

The way you present the situation it seems like you care about the family and he gets to live as a single no-obligation man.

What's he like as a father? what are your feelings for each other?

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 10:54

I’d let him go and end the relationship.
He’s obviously more interested in his own needs than those of his partner and kids.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2022 10:55

He’s leaving you
He might be dressing it up as a job opportunity but basically he’s leaving you

AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 10:59

Have you agree with the above. He is leaving you. Just not in one go.

He is moving out for work. Then will come back 2 nights a week. Then 1. Then every couple of weeks.

Eventually he will start seeing someone, may or may not tell you. Then it will be over. You will find out a out OW or he will just finish the relationship with you.

He is moving out but maintaining that your relationship is fine, to reduce the immediate fallout.

He is a coward.

LIZS · 31/01/2022 17:42

Agree he is making his choice. Seems a leap to go from such a low wage to live in management role. Sounds lke he will drink any profits tbh. How often will he make time to see dc? Pub roles tend to be antisocial 7 days a week.

SamphiretheStickerist · 31/01/2022 17:50

Another who sees this as him leaving you, using the job as an excuse.

Let him go. Get yourself sorted and, once he is installed there, dump him and make a claim with CMS

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/01/2022 18:00

If he’s really your partner, surely you’d be moving together? That neither of you seem to think this is the obvious plan is pretty indicative that neither of you think this relationship is forever. And as, when he moves, you’ll essentially be a single parent anyway, far better to end this sham and actually be a single parent without having to worry about what he’s doing as well.

MadeForThis · 31/01/2022 18:06

Does he have to pay rent on the accommodation? How much more money will he actually make?

He is basically leaving you to look after the kids and starting a new life, for a low wage.

Has be applied for manager jobs closer to home? I imagine the industry is crying out for experienced managers so he shouldn't have to travel that far. Unless he wants to.

MermaidEyes · 31/01/2022 18:34

I think AlDanvers has hit the nail on the head. He's seen an opportunity and he's taking it.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2022 03:04

@jimmyjammy001

Running a bar is a 14 hour a day 7 days a week job, he won't get hardly anytime to pop back home to see you, I doubt even once a week and if he does will only be a few hours, not a job to be doing when toy have 3 children at home even with better pay
From what I've seen of bar and pub managers the reasons for the long hours away from home is because they are constantly cheating.

I know quite a few and the only pub manager I know who doesn't cheat (as far as I know) lives over the pub with his wife.

litterbird · 01/02/2022 03:30

My daughter runs a pub/restaurant and works very long hours. She lives at the restaurant and on her days off she is shattered. Before meeting her boyfriend she was propositioned a lot by men. Your partner will have very little time to see you on his days off. As he has cheated before, decides to leave you and the children to live elsewhere and not move you nearer to him I would suggest he is slowly stepping away from you. Here’s a spoiler alert….my daughter has been head hunted by many live in positions from all over the place. There is work for restaurant managers everywhere so I am suspicious that he can’t find something much closer to you that he can be home every night. He wants out and is taking the cowards way. Sorry OP.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2022 03:37

I disagree with the posters who say he's leaving you.

He wants the family at home and the OP to stay there waiting for him, but he'll do whatever he wants with whoever he wants.

If he left her then she might move on too and meet a man who actually appreciates her and treats her well, and he wouldn't want that!

Wednesdayafternoon · 01/02/2022 04:33

How far away is he going to be OP?
I feel like this so so unfair on you! To move away from you and his children to run a bar and the. You basically do most of the parenting completely on your own.
It doesn't sound like he's considering your feelings at all.
So sorry you're in this position.
Please know that you deserve better then this!

Original poster
Jodie1982 · 07/02/2022 20:46

I have most definitely said it wouldn't work, for our relationship. He just keeps telling me how the money would be so good. I'd much rather a partner by my side, and my little ones daddy at home. It would be a big travel to see him each weekend too, I'm in Twickenham and his Pub will be in High Barnet, he makes it seem so easy. He went to visit the pub today. It's definitely happening... even him knowing my worries and concerns

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodie1982 · 07/02/2022 20:50

It's a tiny flat above a pub
We have a 3 bedroom house right now. Kids are settled in school..I can't uproot them from there home school to a little flat above a pub elsewhere

OP posts: