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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

1st date - met him, not sure

31 replies

Dandynot · 29/01/2022 20:37

First date in person today. Met online, and we’ve chatted over a couple of weeks. All the big ticks (for me) are there - he has kids and is a good dad, a reasonable job that he seems to enjoy ((enough), solvent, runs a household so is competent etc. On meeting, I can see he’s also a kind person, was reasonably attractive (I didn’t get the ick which I can get on a first date if we don’t click).

But he talked about cricket a LOT (I’m not a particular fan, which he knows, but my son plays), he talked a LOT about his travel stories from years ago, and is very much a ‘country’ person, whereas I’m probably more of a city dweller. I suspect he might bore me a bit

But, he’s nice. And wants to meet up again. I think I’ve been OLD for so long, I can’t work out what I want. How do people know if they like someone, at this stage? I’ve genuinely lost touch with that part I think. Or perhaps I’m just lonely and willing myself to like him.

OP posts:

snowyscaffolding · 29/01/2022 20:40

I'd see him again, in a proper date scenario (but 2 glasses of wine only/ or your own personal limit).

If he's still boring, gracefully fade out.

loloballlolo · 29/01/2022 20:41

I do think the initial spark is important in OLD. that said in real life it can take a few times before you warm up. Agree with PP if you feel happy to go for another date then why not. Watch your booze as PP says tho! :)

Original poster

Dandynot · 29/01/2022 20:44

Thanks Snowy. Yes, good advice.

I think I panic when / if they want to see me again as the second date seems like a massive ‘yes’, and I imagine having to extricate myself down the line, which I know I’d find difficult. But I suppose it’s just a little step forward from the initial meet, I’m not ‘signing up’ to anything. I think I worry about the expectations…

OP posts:

Redglitter · 29/01/2022 20:46

The talking might just be down to nerves. I'd definitely meet him again & see how it goes

thefourgp · 29/01/2022 20:47

I had a date similar to this last year. I went on a second date and still was unsure. He stood near to me at the end, I thought he was going to kiss me and I stepped away from him without thinking. I was still considering going on a third date when he called it off. I think he sensed that we each ticked the right boxes but there was something missing and I was holding back. Try a second date and see how you feel then.

Original poster

Dandynot · 29/01/2022 20:50

Thanks all. That’s all immensely helpful.
It seems wrong to call it off so quickly, but it’s hard to know isn’t it.
I am more of a slow burn though. There can be an initial attraction but that can go in an instant if they turn out to be dickish!

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 29/01/2022 20:52

Well at least he made conversation.

You're over-worried. Just 1 date in and you're writing a post about him. How is a 2nd date a "massive yes?" Its just a date.

Have you taken into account that he might have been nervous?

If he watches/plays cricket a lot and hes a country man whilst you're a townie and all that bothers you, then just decline a 2nd meet or you'll only be angsting all over again as you k
now there are things about him that you're not into

Original poster

Dandynot · 29/01/2022 20:52

Interesting thefourgp. He obviously sensed the chemistry, whatever that is, wasn’t there for you.

I’ve had dates where the man is lovely but there’s nothing, attraction wise - it’s difficult to understand!

OP posts:

elvis4nuts · 29/01/2022 20:54

A friend once told me, as long as they clearly aren't an absolute weirdo, then go on a second date. No one is properly their self on a first date.

If I hadn't have taken that on board I wouldn't be married to my husband now!

Santahasjoinedww · 29/01/2022 20:55

My dh talked cars. Cars. And more cars.
Then he relaxed a bit and veered out of his comfort zone!! Still loves cars but nearly 10 years together and I don't mind!
Go for it op!! Mahen he was trying to reassure you he could be happy in your dc's company if the time came?!

Dspx · 29/01/2022 21:02

I had this with OLD wasn't sure after first date agreed to Second to see how I felt still wasn't 100% sure then went on a all day date and had the best time and it all seemed to fall in to place. We have been together for 7 years next week engaged (wedding cancelled due to Covid) and have a beautiful little boy. I would give it a chance as you say there is nothing that's put you off yet xx

Original poster

Dandynot · 29/01/2022 21:04

Yes, he could have been nervous. Completely fair enough.

I think there are gaps though. In my heart, I’m not sure I’m feeling it. But I suppose my question is whether as a divorced, been there done a lot of it 50 year old, how reliable is that feeling anyway? I’m not an impulsive person, so maybe I need to be less hasty if some of the basics seem to be there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dandynot · 29/01/2022 21:05

Aw, that’s lovely to hear santahasjoinednow and dspx. Heartening!

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 29/01/2022 21:11

I wasn’t sure when I went on a first date with my husband either. Give it another chance?

Gilda152 · 29/01/2022 21:43

What did you talk about to him?

ElectraBlue · 30/01/2022 09:57

I would give it one more try.

People get really nervous the first time they meet.

Second date will be more relaxed and give you a chance to get to know him better. If you still have doubt after that then you can politely decline another date. But at least you will have giving this a fair chance.

Milomonster · 30/01/2022 09:58

My feeling about someone on a first date was spot on. He was quite emotionless and closed body language. Felt like I met a mate. I thought naaah. Anyway, he followed up with some messages and we stayed in touch. He was quite charming when messaging, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Met again some time later, and he was still the emotionless man I had a first date with. I gave him a hug when we met second time and it was a the most flaccid hug he gave. It was bizarre. So, I think my thoughts about him were correct and I wasted my time messaging.

LawnFever · 30/01/2022 10:02

I think you’ve got nothing whatsoever to lose meeting him for a second date and getting to know him a bit better.

When I first met DH (not OLD but through friends) I thought he was a bit aloof but actually turns out he’s a bit shy around new people, so you can never really judge someone completely on one meeting.

Crumbs22 · 30/01/2022 11:06

@Dandynot

Yes, he could have been nervous. Completely fair enough.

I can relate OP. You should definitely always trust your feelings though. Don't feel the need to overrule with your head. That said I wouldn't think a 2nd date was a big approval, it's just another chance to interact in person and see how they are after the initial 1st date. It's just more information gathering, another chance to enjoy the moments and I think a slow burn is great too.

Skeumorph · 30/01/2022 11:31

Yes, I think that the comment that no-one is very much 'themselves' on a first date is fair.

First dates are only really useful for weeding out:

twats/misogynists
the ick
general trust your instincts wrong vibe for no reason you can put your finger on - you absolutely listen to this as much as the other two.

Second date for situations like this is fair BUT the corollary is that yes you can call time after this with a 'I don't think I'm ready' - 'don't feel it's really for me'

layladomino · 30/01/2022 13:33

It sounds like he was trying to make conversation. And cricket was something you had in common in so much as your son plays. I think it's far too soon to tell.

I'm a bit intrigrued why you think someone from the country would bore you. (I say this as a townie for most of my life). Why do you think that?!! If anything, I think people who live in big towns and cities can sometimes have a narrower view of the world as everything they need is within a couple of miles of their home. People who live in the sticks have to be willing to travel and seem to explore more. Very general I know. But not quite as general as someone who lives rurally would bore you!

SGBK4682 · 30/01/2022 14:19

I've never done OLD but I think after only one date where it is not a definite NO, then one more is worth while. What have you got to lose? And you may have something to gain.....

Not the same but I remember first meeting a long term friend of mine about 30 years ago. The meet up was arranged by mutual friends as we lived close to each other. On that occasion she never stopped talking and it was quite overwhelming, but that isn't her at all. She's actually quite reserved and the last person in our friendship group to ever dominate a conversation. She was just really nervous that first time.

Ginger1982 · 30/01/2022 15:07

I met DH through online dating. We had clicked in emails and texts, hadn't spoken on the phone. We met for coffee and he talked about his family (parents/siblings) in a way I found lovely but I wasn't sure if there was a spark. I had a very limited dating history, VERY limited, and I expected that when I found THE ONE I'd want to jump his bones because I thought that meant you were destined to be together, and I didn't.

We went to dinner for date 2 and didn't kiss or hold hands. I still wasn't sure. Date 3 we went to a local attraction, held hands and kissed. I felt like I was starting to warm up and from then on, it was great and has been for 10 years. But it would have been so different if I'd walked away after date 1. I would give it another go.

Milomonster · 30/01/2022 15:10

I agree with pp. use the second date as confirmation (or otherwise) for how you felt. I wasted do much time not trusting my instinct and unease.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 30/01/2022 15:17

I'm someone that feels that spark straightaway. But if you're unsure there's no harm to meet up once more at least. It's only a 2nd date not a big deal.
I agree with prev posters to try a .more date like scenario. Then if you're still not feeling it just be honest with him. Thank him for his time but just let him know you don't feel like you're right for each other then wish him well. That's what dating is about isn't it and at this stage you don't own him any thing more than that.
I hope you enjoy it.

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