My gf just broke up with me and we live together

[Johnthedohn]

Hey everyone

I’m just a bit lost tbh and last time I was on here I was helped a lot but your comments so I thought I’d try again. So, I’m a primary school teacher and with COVID and being the head of a subject and with lots of staff off as you can imagine I’m quite stressed. Anyway, for the last 3weeks I’d say my partner (let’s call her C) has been acting distant, no kisses, hardly any hugs, definitely no sex and less communicative on the phone (we’ve been together 1year and 9 months). I noticed this and I spoke to her the other day and asked if she was ok and she said yes a few times before she eventually told me, because I’m stressed she said I take it on her, now don’t get me wrong I know with the stress I can vent to her and tell her about it all but I’ve never taken it out on her, I might be snappy but that’s because of what’s going on and it’s still in my head not because of her, I did apologise and said I’ll work on this and move on. So the last couple of days I’ve deliberately not talked about work when I get home and I’ve been calmer in my opinion.

Flash to last night, Friday night I decide to go out with work colleagues( now I don’t usually go out as I consider her my best friend and we do everything together, but I needed to go after work to destress, she also goes out to see her mum) after a few drinks ( tipsy not drunk) I get a text saying she’s too drunk she’s going to stay at her mums, I said no problem I’ll go home because we have two dogs together. Get home and told her I’m back with the dogs, she reads with no response. No; I wish I was there or miss you, nothing. Very strange as that is her usual stance. This morning comes about I get up take the dogs a walk, and go to the gym for the first time in months, whilst I was out I saw that she came home because we have one of those door camera thingys, now usually she texts where are you if I’m out, but I didn’t get anything and she didn’t know I was going to the gym. So I found this weird.

I get home and see that she’s in the bath, I said I think we need to chat because things still seem off and stuff. She said it’s our arguments we have such bad arguments. Now like all couples we have arguments and it’s not regular but when we do it’s big and I hate them but when we are in the heat of it I know I always say stuff I regret. She does get upset but so do I and afterwards we are apologetic and will try and move on and we do move on most of the time. Anyway, she said she’s sick of the comments and the last two arguments that we’ve had I’ve been calm and I’ve been using a softer voice and talking which she replied two times is a coincidence not a habit and I’ve been telling you this for a year, now again she hasn’t been telling me for a year she’s maybe said in passing I don’t like those comments and I reply with I don’t like those comments and I apologise. I think part of the reason for it is because my family are used to that way, we come out with comments that we don’t mean we apologise and then we move on. Also, on the side I have been researching how to deal with stress and arguments better and I’ve been practising this on my own and as I said before the last two times I’ve put that practice into effect, but apparently this still isn’t enough. I then said well is there anything else you wish me to work on so that we can sort this, she said I’ve always needed a release such as running or the gym, but never taken her seriously. However, going back to the gym after a long time on your own in a new area is very daunting so I’ve put it off and as I said I’ve just started the gym today prior to this argument not knowing what was going to happen. She also mentioned that I should go back to my therapist, in the past I felt that I didn’t need to go back to my therapist but as I’ve said to her tonight if that’s what it takes I will go back to therapy and work on myself as well as the stuff I’m doing right now. She said it’s again too late too little. I don’t know what else to do apart from ask what else she wishes from me, what annoys me is I’ve started making in roads and I’ve started putting things in place now to help with our arguments and to help with my stress at work but she doesn’t see this as progress and is she has no release no form of exercise but just me. Obviously I want her back but I can’t force that to happen I can’t change her mind right now. she’s went to stay with a friend and she’s coming back tomorrow as we have a house and a mortgage together and two dogs so it makes it much more complicated but should I do anything to help me get her back.?I have booked my therapist for next week I’m going back to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get to speak to her tomorrow. Am I naive in thinking she might be interested in fixing this or is it done?

Just as a little bit of extra detail she came upstairs to pack a bag and was sobbing after I’ve been out with a friend tonight to calm down from the situation and said that she was going to her friends. I don’t want to see her upset and I said this and I told her that I still love her and I hope that she still loves me but she made the choice to end it whereas I wish to work on things to enable us to progress as a couple, she allowed me to hug her and give her a kiss and she led with me for a while. I walked her down to the front door and said goodbye she allowed me to kiss her again and she kept looking back with worry/sorrow in her eyes now whether this is a look of have I done the right thing or I have done the right thing but I just can’t believe it’s happened I don’t know.

but I’ve never taken it out on her, I might be snappy but that’s because of what’s going on and it’s still in my head not because of her,

That is taking it out on her.

It sounds like the relationship wasn’t very healthy. From not doing much apart to all that camera business. She’s ended it as honestly as she could. How old are you?

Seems a bit soon to have a mortgage together. Anyway that's by the by, it all sounds very dramatic, it's not great that you argue all the time isn't great, regardless of how 'soft' you have tried to talk. I think you are probably more aggressive toward her than you realise, especially if you have had to make an effort to soften your voice and talk things through calmly.

Respect her decision and give her space. Let her take the lead.

Op I'm so sorry you're hurting. But this is over.

You will feel better, day by day 💐

It’s probably for the best, it’s odd to argue all the time so soon into a relationship and she has been telling you things need to change for a year-you have just not been listening. She is right, doing the right thing twice is not permanent change. You both obviously rushed in really quickly and now she has realised you are not compatible. Also the camera thing, and the fact you both message each other when not home to check where the other is seems very controlling.

Sorry to hear this Op, but honestly, even hearing it from your side it doesn't sound that a healthy relationship for either party & maybe the issues were left too late. Maybe if you take a little time apart to think about what you both want you can reflect. While you benefit from counselling you could maybe agree to check in with each other & keep friendly communication open at least. Maybe she would also benefit from some counselling of her own? I think most of us could. Good luck

Sounds a lot like me and my recent ex. He would say the most awful things in an argument and then think that apologising made it all ok. It ended up that I would try and say the nastiest things to him so that he would see how it felt, but it just didn’t affect him the same way.

After many years of this it just got harder to forgive and forget and every argument ended the exact same way. Sorry the next day meant nothing when the same thing happened again.

She’s probably just reached the end of her tether so let her go, give her space, and if she regrets it and decides that she does want to make it work then you can discuss it again, but for now, she needs a break from this.

Give. You’ve been together less than 2 years but already win a home together I’m guessing this has all been a bit of a whirlwind and you don’t really know each other very well. Your reference to a therapist indicates you have struggled with your mental health in the past. You have a very stressful job. You argue a lot. None of this is healthy. It is not true that all couples argue- they really don’t. I know it feels hard but it’s probably best to accept your partner’s understandable view that this just isn’t working for either of you. You need to take a breath and then try to untangle your lives so that you can move on and find someone that Mayes you happy

She said it’s our arguments we have such bad arguments. Now like all couples we have arguments and it’s not regular but when we do it’s big and I hate them but when we are in the heat of it I know I always say stuff I regret

And here's your answer. She can't be doing with all the arguments. She has had enough. And you are wrong - all couples don't have arguments. Especially those that have only been in a relationship for a little over 18 months.
It's over.

You have been together less than 2yrs and have "bad arguments" and multiple of them, then I would class that as regular. In these arguments you say things that you don't mean. Even when you apologise, those things don't get forgotten. They lie there, and eat away at the receiver's self esteem and the bonds of your relationship. She has probably just had enough.

I was like this with my ex. Lots of "little" comments, actions, misunderstandings. I made my concerns known and it was brushed aside. By the time he started actually listening to me and trying to appease me, I was done. It was too little too late

I stopped reading at you saying she didn't reply to a text with I wish I was there or saying she misses you.

That's just really needy & cringy.

Ps...arguing is not a normal part of a relationship & having a stressful job is not an excuse for arguing.

You probably just don't get on anymore.

I've not argued with my partner in 10 years+ it's immature.

Now like all couples we have arguments and it’s not regular but when we do it’s big and I hate them but when we are in the heat of it I know I always say stuff I regret.

I've been married for 25 years and my husband and I have never had fights like this, and we don't get "snappy" with each other. It's called respect. You don't have any for her, and she is sick to fucking death of being your emotional punching bag.

You blew it. It's over. Leave her alone, figure out how to go your separate ways and move on.

I can’t believe you have a house, mortgage and dogs together after 18 months! It sounds like you both rushed things without getting to know each other properly.

It sounds like she is done to me and to be honest, it sounds like she has made the right decision as it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. The working on yourself that you have been doing, sounds like it was useful stuff anyway so it isn’t wasted effort.

What are these 'comments' that she doesn't like that you are making? And why do you think stress is an excuse for them? Tbh op...it sounds like you are minimising how you have behaved towards her. Women don't tend to up and leave until.theyve really tried everything to help you get your shit together. Unfortunately.

And at only 18 months in...what is there to be having really bad arguments about? What is there to be having really bad arguments about in any relationship really? I mean, you don't have kids, so why on earth is it worth trying to work through a relationship where there are such big problems?

You may have started to make changes to yourself but to her it migjt seem like it's too little too late.

As pp says,. It also sounds like you rushed into commitments with this person. Maybe she has realised that now too.

I think it sounds like you should cut your losses. And maybe get yourself into a healthier head space before even considering getting into a relationship again.

Do you know for certain that she stayed at her mum's? Sounds like she's met someone else and that's where she really went.

Now like all couples we have arguments and it’s not regular but when we do it’s big and I hate them but when we are in the heat of it I know I always say stuff I regret. She does get upset but so do I and afterwards we are apologetic and will try and move on and we do move on most of the time.

This leaps out at me. Whether you repair this relationship or for future relationships working in this is going to be important. Most couples argue (in fact, the ones who say they never argue make me think they have other issues - how can you never disagree ever with someone else). There are healthy and unhealthy ways to argue though and it sounds like you argue in an unhealthy way.
There are rules you need to follow. Never any name calling, never any mean shit you don't actually mean and are only saying to hurt the other person, never say things you don't actually mean. I know sometimes when I'm arguing with my husband he or I will say let's stop and end this, come back to the actual issue when we're calmer and more receptive to a constructive conversation.

I also wonder if she's met someone else

It’s a really unhealthy relationship and she’s doing the right thing by ending it. Have you thought about getting a different job?

It shouldn't be this hard so early in a relationship!

She said it’s our arguments we have such bad arguments. Now like all couples we have arguments and it’s not regular but when we do it’s big and I hate them but when we are in the heat of it I know I always say stuff I regret

Not a relationship anyone should stay in.

but I’ve never taken it out on her, I might be snappy but that’s because of what’s going on and it’s still in my head not because of her

That is literally taking it out on her.

This sounds really full on. If you've been together less than 2 years it probably means you didn't get to do much proper dating because of covid. How soon did you buy a house together?

It really does just sound like you're a relatively new relationship and now you live together you realise it isn't working.

You should still be in the honeymoon period, life is too short for living with people you argue with.

Most couples argue (in fact, the ones who say they never argue make me think they have other issues - how can you never disagree ever with someone else).

I've never had an angry argument with my DH. We've not even come close. We've occasionally disagreed on minor things but that's very different to an argument. The last one I can think of was a couple of years ago when I was trying to explain a budgeting app and he wasn't getting it. He told me it didn't make sense, I insisted it did. In the end I found a YouTube video that explained it better than I could.

We're not rich but we're comfortable and we don't have children which are probably the two biggest pressures most couples face. We cook together and we divide up other household tasks. I'm not sure what else is left to argue about. Admittedly we're both very laid back but I wouldn't consider regular arguments normal in the OP's circumstances.

I’ve been telling you this for a year, now again she hasn’t been telling me for a year she’s maybe said in passing I don’t like those comments and I reply with I don’t like those comments and I apologise. I think part of the reason for it is because my family are used to that way, we come out with comments that we don’t mean we apologise and then we move on

This is a common pattern in relationships. Women communicate the things that are bothering them and their partners shrug it off and expect them to forgive and forget things they think are irrelevant (like being spoken to like shit because your family do it ). Then when you’ve had all the chances to fix it, she has mentally reached the end of her capacity to tolerate it any longer, she ends it. And only now do you wonder “how can I fix it?”

Sorry to say if I were her this would be over for me, she has reached crisis point while you are only now paying attention.

If you want to fix it the only thing you can do is genuinely accept the things she is saying not make excuses about how its easy to just move on, and make a serious commitment to change

I think you are downplaying the hurtful comments you don't mean. It's one thing saying true things in anger, which may hurt, but sometimes home truths do need to be ventilated.

Saying untrue things for the sake of being hurtful is so, so damaging. My husband used to do this in our early years. I'd moved into a house he shared with his brother. Every argument we had always ended up with him saying I was a shit girlfriend, it was over, I had to leave immediately and if I didn't take all my stuff he would dump it in a skip ... The first couple of times it was terrifying because I thought he really meant it and I didn't have anywhere to go straight away. After a couple of hours he'd calm down and announce he didn't mean any if it, it was just "something to say in the heat of the moment". My take on it was if you don't mean it, don't say it. If you do one day I'll act on it. Eventually I did, I left and got my own place. He was hurt and gutted. I think he was gobsmacked that I'd acted on it and he thought I'd overreacted. (We did get back together a bit later but I kept my flat for several years. )

It sounds like you are minimising the effect of the hurtful comments, but your girlfriend has been telling you over and over that this is a problem. You've pushed her too far with it and she's had enough.

I think there's another man.