My gf just broke up with me and we live together

[Johnthedohn]

Hey everyone

I’m just a bit lost tbh and last time I was on here I was helped a lot but your comments so I thought I’d try again. So, I’m a primary school teacher and with COVID and being the head of a subject and with lots of staff off as you can imagine I’m quite stressed. Anyway, for the last 3weeks I’d say my partner (let’s call her C) has been acting distant, no kisses, hardly any hugs, definitely no sex and less communicative on the phone (we’ve been together 1year and 9 months). I noticed this and I spoke to her the other day and asked if she was ok and she said yes a few times before she eventually told me, because I’m stressed she said I take it on her, now don’t get me wrong I know with the stress I can vent to her and tell her about it all but I’ve never taken it out on her, I might be snappy but that’s because of what’s going on and it’s still in my head not because of her, I did apologise and said I’ll work on this and move on. So the last couple of days I’ve deliberately not talked about work when I get home and I’ve been calmer in my opinion.

Flash to last night, Friday night I decide to go out with work colleagues( now I don’t usually go out as I consider her my best friend and we do everything together, but I needed to go after work to destress, she also goes out to see her mum) after a few drinks ( tipsy not drunk) I get a text saying she’s too drunk she’s going to stay at her mums, I said no problem I’ll go home because we have two dogs together. Get home and told her I’m back with the dogs, she reads with no response. No; I wish I was there or miss you, nothing. Very strange as that is her usual stance. This morning comes about I get up take the dogs a walk, and go to the gym for the first time in months, whilst I was out I saw that she came home because we have one of those door camera thingys, now usually she texts where are you if I’m out, but I didn’t get anything and she didn’t know I was going to the gym. So I found this weird.

I get home and see that she’s in the bath, I said I think we need to chat because things still seem off and stuff. She said it’s our arguments we have such bad arguments. Now like all couples we have arguments and it’s not regular but when we do it’s big and I hate them but when we are in the heat of it I know I always say stuff I regret. She does get upset but so do I and afterwards we are apologetic and will try and move on and we do move on most of the time. Anyway, she said she’s sick of the comments and the last two arguments that we’ve had I’ve been calm and I’ve been using a softer voice and talking which she replied two times is a coincidence not a habit and I’ve been telling you this for a year, now again she hasn’t been telling me for a year she’s maybe said in passing I don’t like those comments and I reply with I don’t like those comments and I apologise. I think part of the reason for it is because my family are used to that way, we come out with comments that we don’t mean we apologise and then we move on. Also, on the side I have been researching how to deal with stress and arguments better and I’ve been practising this on my own and as I said before the last two times I’ve put that practice into effect, but apparently this still isn’t enough. I then said well is there anything else you wish me to work on so that we can sort this, she said I’ve always needed a release such as running or the gym, but never taken her seriously. However, going back to the gym after a long time on your own in a new area is very daunting so I’ve put it off and as I said I’ve just started the gym today prior to this argument not knowing what was going to happen. She also mentioned that I should go back to my therapist, in the past I felt that I didn’t need to go back to my therapist but as I’ve said to her tonight if that’s what it takes I will go back to therapy and work on myself as well as the stuff I’m doing right now. She said it’s again too late too little. I don’t know what else to do apart from ask what else she wishes from me, what annoys me is I’ve started making in roads and I’ve started putting things in place now to help with our arguments and to help with my stress at work but she doesn’t see this as progress and is she has no release no form of exercise but just me. Obviously I want her back but I can’t force that to happen I can’t change her mind right now. she’s went to stay with a friend and she’s coming back tomorrow as we have a house and a mortgage together and two dogs so it makes it much more complicated but should I do anything to help me get her back.?I have booked my therapist for next week I’m going back to the gym tomorrow and hopefully get to speak to her tomorrow. Am I naive in thinking she might be interested in fixing this or is it done?

Just as a little bit of extra detail she came upstairs to pack a bag and was sobbing after I’ve been out with a friend tonight to calm down from the situation and said that she was going to her friends. I don’t want to see her upset and I said this and I told her that I still love her and I hope that she still loves me but she made the choice to end it whereas I wish to work on things to enable us to progress as a couple, she allowed me to hug her and give her a kiss and she led with me for a while. I walked her down to the front door and said goodbye she allowed me to kiss her again and she kept looking back with worry/sorrow in her eyes now whether this is a look of have I done the right thing or I have done the right thing but I just can’t believe it’s happened I don’t know.

@honeylulu

I think you are downplaying the hurtful comments you don't mean. It's one thing saying true things in anger, which may hurt, but sometimes home truths do need to be ventilated.

Saying untrue things for the sake of being hurtful is so, so damaging. My husband used to do this in our early years. I'd moved into a house he shared with his brother. Every argument we had always ended up with him saying I was a shit girlfriend, it was over, I had to leave immediately and if I didn't take all my stuff he would dump it in a skip ... The first couple of times it was terrifying because I thought he really meant it and I didn't have anywhere to go straight away. After a couple of hours he'd calm down and announce he didn't mean any if it, it was just "something to say in the heat of the moment". My take on it was if you don't mean it, don't say it. If you do one day I'll act on it. Eventually I did, I left and got my own place. He was hurt and gutted. I think he was gobsmacked that I'd acted on it and he thought I'd overreacted. (We did get back together a bit later but I kept my flat for several years. )

It sounds like you are minimising the effect of the hurtful comments, but your girlfriend has been telling you over and over that this is a problem. You've pushed her too far with it and she's had enough.

All of this. I've never said something I didn't mean to my partner, even if he's annoyed me. OP doesn't seem to understand that it's unacceptable and abusive behaviour.

I’ll work on this and move on
afterwards we are apologetic and will try and move on and we do move on most of the time

we come out with comments that we don’t mean we apologise and then we move on

what annoys me is I’ve started making in roads and I’ve started putting things in place now to help with our arguments and to help with my stress at work but she doesn’t see this as progress

A lot of your post is an expectation that people should just say sorry and get to move on

The problem is, if I drop a vase and it cracks I can glue it back together. Maybe I can even drop it again and again, and keep gluing away so it still looks like a vase. But eventually its not a good vase. It’s no longer worth gluing together, it looks like shit and I’d rather get a new vase. That’s your relationship

It's unfair that you're 'annoyed' because you've taken some steps to improve yourself and she is not waiting for the outcome (in your eyes).

She is allowed to make this decision for herself at any time on the evidence she already has. I think she's made the right one and your relationship would have deteriorated over time and her self-esteem would have just got eroded.

I have a stressful job and I've never had an argument with my partner. It's not normal.

OP, it all sounds very dramatic and tbh you sound like hard work. Your posts are exhausting to read; may I suggest using more punctuation?

Relationships shouldn’t be that hard.

Saying horrible things during arguments and then apologising afterwards would be a deal breaker for me. Home is where the support and kindness is supposed to be.....

I'm assuming in your stressful job at work you manage not to shout or say awful things, or you would have lost your job by now. So you are perfectly capable of controlling yourself, you just choose not to.

Get home and told her I’m back with the dogs, she reads with no response. No; I wish I was there or miss you, nothing.

I don’t know if it’s just the way you’ve written it as you don’t want to drip feed but this relationship seems pretty intense.

I think if possible you need to both cool it off a bit.
The past two years have been incredibly stressful and being in a school has never been so stressful.

You both need to have your own hobbies and friends and do fun things as a couple.
Do you go out as a couple often?

DH and I both have v stressful jobs, him especially so. He's never so much raised his voice at me, and certainly never snaps at anyone. It sounds as though you are struggling with the stress (understandable, I'm in education too,and it's been an extremely tough couple of years) and perhaps are taking things v personally when she says/doesn't say things. Tbh, she was probably asleep when you texted that you'd got home and to the dogs.
Perhaps the time at her mum's just gave her time to reflect.

Your gf told you why she broke up with you. Of course no-one likes being told that kind of thing, and you must feel like crap, but honestly, if you can swallow your pride enough to take some of it on board, rather than saying she's wrong and it's normal and you were changing, then it could actually improve your life. That doesn't mean you're a horrible person. You might just need a bit of help - therapy, anger management or something. Being horrible to one another during arguments may be normal in your family, but that doesn't mean everyone will put up with it.