Don't like my mother and can't get over it...

[Veggielove84]

Hello

So me and mum have always had a strained relationship. I'll add some points for context.

I'm a mother of 2 now.

I'm an only child myself.

Mum cheated on dad more than once and eventually divorced him when I was around 8.

She moved onto step dad number 1 and married him while I was at school. Hated him. 3 months later got rid after he slapped her.

She moves me miles from dad and school etc then gets call to go rescue the step dad 1 from a European country he was illegal to get into.

Over in said country she meets step dad number 2 and agrees after being wooed by him that she would move there and dragged me with. I was 11 at the time.

Over there I also hated him. He was many years younger than her. It was hell. I was moved in to a flat with 3 strange men and made to travel great distances to language school etc on my own in the dark.

I eventually escape back to the UK at 15 years old. Ended up getting own place from council at 16. Hell.

She comes back soon because step dad 2 was done for attempted murder. Living with them they always argued. Mum drank alot in those days. Then he held a big sword to her throat and when I came down she chased me back up stairs.

So she is home then scouts out step dad 3 ( current guy) this guy is Muslim so she is now. Fine she was nice when converted. But now.... he is a liar and a shopping addicts who many times has gotten them into debt behind mums back. This time it's worse.

I really don't like them. I don't know how to make my trauma go away. If we try talk about it mum goes into victim mode and I'm all the bad ones ! She lavishes kids with stuff and tries to move on but keeps dumping her crap on me and expects to not have me react.

Oh yeah missed a bit. In my late teens I moved in with her and current step dad 3. He then chucked me out in street a few times... all because I don't put up with his temper and talking like shit to my mother infront of me.

My dad's a good family man also. Think she regrets leaving him.

I'm surprised you want anything to do with her, OP. Couldn't you have stayed with your dad instead of going off with her?

I think you need to disengage and limit the time you spend with her. Put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your children. How much time do you want to spend with her? What do you want that to be? Popping by hers or meeting her at a coffee shop for an hour every other week? There's not much point talking to her - you won't hear what you need to.

Lots of sympathy because this sounds awful.

It's not surprising you don't like her, she sounds reckless and selfish and addicted to men and risk. And quite possibly not very bright either.

You don't have to have a close relationship with her if you don't like her. It's sad but lots of mother/daughter relationships have a massive hole in them. It's hard to come to terms with but at the same time it's hard to keep pursuing the dream of a good relationship with her and being constantly disappointed.

Oh OP, that sounds truly awful. I'm so sorry.
Have you considered going low contact with her?
I'm not sure if you should expect yourself to get over it. Her irresponsible choices have had a big impact on you, understandably.

I would put yourself first and work on your own issues. I doubt she'll change and it's unlikely she'll ever admit to things.

Sounds like you have done OK despite her which I hope gives you some comfort.

My dad says forgive her cause she had a crappy childhood. So I'm left feeling really guilty.

No, you don’t have to forgive her at all. It’s no one else’s business how you feel about anything.

She sounds absolutely fucking abominable. You have every right to go completely NC.

Where was your dad, the ‘good family man’ in all this? Couldn’t he have helped more? If he wants to forgive her, fine. You never have to. She’s an abuse machine.

You had a crappy childhood but I bet you're not taking it out on your children. That's not an excuse.

Dad was in the UK same place I was dragged from. He was told at the time to consent to her taking me or keep me and at that age I thought I'd never see her and chose her . Terrible situation. Dad took me back when I was 15. Tiny flat so I got one at 16. He visited me abroad wanted kid nap me back home but had to not go down that road lol I don't even know the legal ins n outs. I should have been protected more.

Dad married 1 more time but she was sadly a secret alcoholic and left him. He now lives alone in his 70s. He had a vasectomy with mum when I was wee. He might have had more kids otherwise with someone.

You should not have to forgive her.

She was a really poor parent who only focused on her needs only and gave you a really chaotic, unsafe childhood as a result. Having a crappy childhood is not an excuse for what she did.

I would personally distance myself from her and try to get some support through counselling. People like her don't change and having her in your life will only cause you heartache.

I'd love to cut her off. I tried to. She threatened me with seeking legal action to see my children. She has no bloody rights but still.. how far will she go

She comes here every week once or twice. We had an argument today about another poor choice. I hate it.

As TimeToDecideX wrote, "you had a crappy childhood but I bet you're not taking it out on your children. That's not an excuse". Indeed it is no excuse. She basically repeated her own shit childhood with you now on the receiving end.

Deal with your fear, obligation and guilt through therapy. You have a choice re her even now. Don't let her into your home, you absolutely need to keep her away from your children as well as your own self. If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your kids too. Your

Her court action will go nowhere if she brings it. Its very much on her also to prove her relationship with the grandchildren would be beneficial to them.

Have a look at the BACP website re therapy for your own self. Other sites I would suggest you look at also are Out of the FOG and NAPAC.
You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. The current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages could also help you.

@Veggielove84

My dad says forgive her cause she had a crappy childhood. So I'm left feeling really guilty.

You can choose not to feel the guilt, by seeing that it's misplaced. She doesn't mind manipulating you and threatening you with the law. She obviously thinks that's an acceptable way to behave in your relationship, so do the same to her. Tell her you don't want her to come to your house. If she keeps coming, tell her she's not welcome, don't let her in. If she keeps coming, tell her you'll speak to the police. If she keeps coming, speak to the police.

She's in control of how far this goes, so it's not for you to feel guilty about. If she doesn't want you to report her, she can stop crossing your boundaries at any time. Give her that option whenever you take a step: 'x is my boundary. If you keep crossing my boundaries, I will do y' Then it's always up to her.

She has absolutely no rights in regard to your children, please don't let her bully you with that nonsense.

Yeah I'm going to sound pathetic but I feel like I'm too scared or something to go no contact I will maybe start with pulling away more during the week. Ughhh so annoying tbh

I don't know how to make my trauma go away. If we try talk about it mum goes into victim mode

Your Mum is the last person that you need to talk about these traumas. She certainly can't make them go away ..... she made them happen. She is not able to take your traumas away because that will involve her in acknowledging her part in creating them.

You need to seek counselling for yourself - professional counselling. And you need to keep as far away from your Mum as possible.

I don’t understand why you allow her anywhere near. She has no rights over your dc (does she do regular childcare?) id find it very difficult to be in contact, but I empathise re why you do. It’s incredibly hard to cut ties.

No she doesn't provide child care thank God

@Veggielove84

She comes here every week once or twice. We had an argument today about another poor choice. I hate it.

Seriously!!! You have to cut her out of your life! Get a restraining order!

I don't talk/see my mum and it is so good for my mental health. My mum is toxic and manipulative.

I think you should go no contact with her. It will be a hard decision but you will be glad you did.

Also I'm sorry but your dad isn't blameless in this. Over DH's dead body would he let me take our daughter away to a different country with a strange man. He would live with her in a box before letting that happen. And at 11 years old the choice would not be hers.

I'm sorry you weren't properly protected and looked after by the two people who were supposed to do just that.

A parent should always put their children first. Your mother did not, she put dubious men first and the impact on you has been horrendous. I cannot imagine a stronger case for going total no contact. You might want to seek counselling to help eliminate your guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for. My final point might sound harsh, but putting your own children first almost certainly means allowing her no contact with them.

Forgiveness never made sense as a concept to me OP.