Don't like my mother and can't get over it...

[Veggielove84]

Hello

So me and mum have always had a strained relationship. I'll add some points for context.

I'm a mother of 2 now.

I'm an only child myself.

Mum cheated on dad more than once and eventually divorced him when I was around 8.

She moved onto step dad number 1 and married him while I was at school. Hated him. 3 months later got rid after he slapped her.

She moves me miles from dad and school etc then gets call to go rescue the step dad 1 from a European country he was illegal to get into.

Over in said country she meets step dad number 2 and agrees after being wooed by him that she would move there and dragged me with. I was 11 at the time.

Over there I also hated him. He was many years younger than her. It was hell. I was moved in to a flat with 3 strange men and made to travel great distances to language school etc on my own in the dark.

I eventually escape back to the UK at 15 years old. Ended up getting own place from council at 16. Hell.

She comes back soon because step dad 2 was done for attempted murder. Living with them they always argued. Mum drank alot in those days. Then he held a big sword to her throat and when I came down she chased me back up stairs.

So she is home then scouts out step dad 3 ( current guy) this guy is Muslim so she is now. Fine she was nice when converted. But now.... he is a liar and a shopping addicts who many times has gotten them into debt behind mums back. This time it's worse.

I really don't like them. I don't know how to make my trauma go away. If we try talk about it mum goes into victim mode and I'm all the bad ones ! She lavishes kids with stuff and tries to move on but keeps dumping her crap on me and expects to not have me react.

Great advice so far. And remember, forgiving her or being genuinely sorry for her difficult childhood is separate from having her in your life.

Going low contact first is a stepping stone if you feel you cannot go NC immediately. Start practising techniques for deflecting her, putting her off and avoiding her.

Simple things like delaying replying to texts or what app messages until it's too late to do whatever she is suggesting. She'll be annoyed but so what?
Sound vague if she suggests something "sounds possible, I'll let you know". Then don't.
If she turns up uninvited/unannounced, stay standing in the doorway blocking entry, don't invite her in. Say you are going out soon or are busy and it's not a good time for you. Deflect arguing with 'we make another time' then be vague on when. Close the door on her if you need to. All she can do is keep knocking and eventually will go away!

Realistically she can't force her way in to your home or life if you don't let her. You have that choice and it's only fear holding you back. Start imagining the worst that could happen if you cut her off completely. All the worst reactions she might have (screaming/shouting/tantrums/nastiness). Sit with that feeling and get used to it. Think how you could handle that situation. Find solutions and you will feel more in control.

And do go and read the Stately Homes thread - you are not alone in having a dysfunctional family!

stop trying to have a relationship with her, she will not change and you actually don't owe her anything

I do understand OP. My Mum had a difficult relationship with her Mum. I know that ... but up to a point. I had a crappy childhood thanks to her and my father (they also divorced when I was 10) and I have been quite distant from them both since I left home. My father is dead now. Geographical distance helps hugely in this. Is there any way you could move further away and make a fresh start?

Thank you for all the advice and understanding. We are actually due to move soon as we find a suitable place.

Hopefully far away! It very much helps that I’m 5 hours away from my mother. I feel very guilty that other family take her shopping and look after her basic needs, I just couldn’t be near her.

@Veggielove84

Thank you for all the advice and understanding. We are actually due to move soon as we find a suitable place.

Don't give your mum the new address. Change your phone number too so she can't call you.

You don't have to forgive Op. Forgiveness can be a wonderful and freeing thing to do, but only if the other person has apologies, genuinely, acknowledged what they did wrong, and doesn't do it again.

I can't see any siggestion that your mum has ever apologised to you. Her selfish, immature behaviour put you at risk in more ways that one, and she is still abusing you today.

She has ruined huge chunks of your life and yet you someone feel some guilt or obligation towards her. Your parents are meant to be the people who will protect and support you no matter what, unselfishly. You've been let down big time.

Imagine if someone treated your DCs like your mum treated you. What advice would you give to them? Would you tell them they have to stick around and put up with it, or would you tell them to steer well clear and protect themselves?

Reduce contact with her. If it’s twice a week now, reduce to once. Then once a fortnight. Keep reducing at a level you feel happy with. You are in control, not your mother. She had her chance to be a good mother and put you first; she didn’t.
Just because she had a crap childhood doesn’t mean she has to be a crap parent —- she made choices and has had many years to reflect on those choices and learn from them.
She’ll get nowhere threatening court action, ignore that.

Forgot to also add when I met my hubby she had been telling me on a regular basis for years that they were going to move to step dad 3 country etc and kept that hanging over me all the time. Wish they had moved! she said if I had a child she'd stay. I still waited till I was ready to become a mum myself.