Just finished the freedom programme on line and I'm confused

[doubleyokedeggs]

I've been trying to make sense of a partner with whom I broke up with recently.
I broke up with him because I started to feel uneasy or on edge. My sister told me that she felt my confidence was becoming low and that I was becoming paranoid about trusting my partner. We were only together for a year and a half. I have trust issues both in myself and in others for good reasons.
I've just finished the programme and found it gut wrenching intriguing.
He ticked a few boxes which is why I'm confused.
Can I vent here and ask you to help me organise my thoughts as I'm not ready to talk to anyone in Real life about this yet, please?
I will give examples of his personality and behaviours but first off I have to say he seemed to adore me and was so lovely most of the time which is in contradiction with some of my experiences with him.

These are the negatives

He was easygoing but if he wanted to do something, he did it regardless of my feelings.
When confronted he stonewalled me for days and refused to address the issue.

He rarely complimented me physically but regularly commented on other women , to me.

He also called women out to me as other looking'slutty'And could be very sexist, misogynistic and racist at times.

He withdrew from kissing passionately and hand holding.
He didn't like it when someone else complimented me.

He used to say.... jokingly... why do you take so long to answer your phone and if I delayed texting back, he did the same the next time.

He became authoritarian with my kids.
Liked traditional housekeeping roles.
He had little interest in spending time with his own children.
Spoke venomously about his exes
.
He never liked eye to eye contact too much.
His eyes looked dead.
Never eye contact when making love and while the physical connection was amazing, I never felt that he was very emotionally connected to me in bed.

He kept a bevvy of women/ old flames on social media and interacted with them but not in a sleazy way.

He also reverted to victim status once pulled up on shitty behaviour and finally he always felt sorry for himself, felt like life was down on him, always tired and lacked any motivation to do anything.
He needed regular ego boosting and validation.

If you've got this far, thanks.
Can I reply with your thoughts on this post.

It sounds like you’re well rid of him. Being able to list that many negatives about someone shows that at the very least you weren’t compatible. And that his character was unpleasant in quite a lot of ways.

Is there a reason you’re still trying to unpick things with him? Do you feel tempted to try again with him? Or is it just so that you can understand why you made the decisions you did in the past?

I need to understand why I made the decisions I did to ensure I don't repeat mistakes.
I know it's a weird thing to say but he knew what upset me , refused to stop it and escalated that behaviour
For example , he was online friends with a match he met in a dating site. She rang to ask if they could meet as she was in the area , he rang me essentially looking for permission but then realised it was very wrong and insensitive .I lost my shit. We talked. He promised no more contact whatsoever , yet here we are this morning and Incan see that he still has her on social media and he has liked her updates.

abusers are always nice at first and then give at least enough 'nice' to keep you there, with them and confused

my abusive ex husband - he was mostly nice/ok and we had a great laugh, I stayed with him 10 years. He did enough nice to keep me going back (tried to leave x 4) but he had aspects of all the bad types in the freedom programme and the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

I had many years being single and being very picky, wanting someone genuinely nice, kind, supportive with ZERO abusive aspects, and I got it. It's 100% worth it.

ah didn't see your last message before I posted

read 'psychopath free' by Jackson McKenzie, I swear on my life you'll have all the answers by about 10 pages in. It covers all abusive types not just psychopaths - honestly please read it.

OP "yet here we are this morning and Incan see that he still has her on social media and he has liked her updates."

You've broken up?

It's so hard to get your head around the word abuse isn't it . Especially when you have been fooled.
The idea that he could escalate a deal breaker for me, knowing how much it hurts really messes with my mind because it shows that he did not care about
My feelings whatsoever.
He feels like I'm trying to control who he is friends with and sees nothing wrong with interacting with old flames and other women on line, just because there is no chat or sleazy behaviour.
I feel like I didn't really know him.
I'm so so confused .

Yes we broke up. I broke it up as he trampled on my boundaries... the same one a few times which displayed a lack of respect for me.
I need to make sure I don't walk into this shit storm again. Ever. With any man .

I don't quite understand what you're confused about. Could you elaborate? Is it about whether or not he was abusive?

You say he was "so lovely most of the time", but then present rather a long list of consistent negative traits. You do admit it's a contradiction, but I find it hard to imagine how one man could fit both descriptions.

Well done for leaving him and completing the programme. Feeling uneasy and on edge is in itself a sign of being in an abusive relationship, and with further descriptions of his behaviour, it definitely sounds like you did the right thing!

So you’re curious about why you were attracted to him and why, despite all his obvious faults, you still give a shit?

IMO you may be drawn to someone like him because you find something about him is familiar and you’re mistaking that feeling of ‘I know you’ for a special connection.

What was your relationship like with your parents? We often try to resolve issues from past relationships in our current ones. Was there someone whose approval you feel like you never got but always wanted?

I suppose it is whether or nit the above was abusive.
I know it's a small thing to many but tinder him interact with that woman on line who he promised he would unfriend back when we had a huge argument , has made my stomach sick.
I'm shocked and I wonder was it me or was he abusive and how
Can I prevent this happening ever again

My mother loved me but didn't like me.
My exh had an affair after a
Long marriage and left me in the depths of despair with children with sn , with zero support at the start of the restrictions.
My father adored me which irritated my
Mother. I was eldest girl.

The book recommended above looks really useful. If you look on amazon there's a excerpt from the introduction that is very detailed.

Looks like it arms you with the tools to spot people like this so it wont happen to you again.

taken from the book....

Triangulation. They surround themselves with former lovers, potential mates, and anyone else who provides them with added attention. This includes people that the psychopath may have previously denounced and declared you superior to. This makes you feel confused and creates the perception that the psychopath is in high demand at all times.

My mother loved me but didn't like me

So I’m guessing rejection, hurt and emotional cruelty were fairly normal for you?

To answer your question, yes, he was abusive. He wanted to control you. He stonewalled you. He gaslighted you. You say he ignored your boundaries, but you haven’t said how. I’m wondering if he had a habit of ignoring your sexual boundaries. Those are all forms of abuse.

All abusers have to be nice at the beginning, that’s how they reel you in and keep you there. Read up on trauma bonding. And also have a look at attachment styles and see if you can recognise yourself www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Dodged a bullet. Move on.

Yes, he was abusive, and yes, it can be a difficult thing to process and come to terms with. It can feel very confusing even though really it's quite simple. He didn't respect your feelings or your boundaries. He hurt you and made you feel uneasy.

There are no "small things" when it comes to what's hurt you. Your feelings are valid.

Did you ever have therapy regarding your divorce, or your family relationships? It sounds like there's quite a lot to unpick there.

Thanks to everyone this far.
No he wasn't sexually abusive but he was so selfish in bed, under the guise of..I've given her pleasure ( for a few minutes) and then it was into hours for him , but I liked to give the pleasure. However it became expected.
I was non tolerant of him having any inappropriate or unnecessary contact with women that aren't friends and that he had a romantic history with . He regularly did and he did surround himself with lots of women who he interacted with and fed his ego. Maybe that is controlling to some but it was my boundary.

Yes I've had counselling. Think I need some more.

@doubleyokedeggs

My mother loved me but didn't like me. My exh had an affair after a Long marriage and left me in the depths of despair with children with sn , with zero support at the start of the restrictions. My father adored me which irritated my Mother. I was eldest girl.

Sounds like something your mother and ex have in common is narcissistic tendencies;no parent should ever be jealous of the relationship between their child and their other parent.They both sound controlling.

Be glad he's now your ex,it sounds as though his exes have had a lucky escape from him and you can now see the reasons they broke up.

Don't stay friends with man.

Maybe that is controlling to some but it was my boundary.

I'd consider that a rather base line boundary to be honest! Not controlling at all.

It feels like you're still in a place of making excuses for him and blaming yourself. It's a coping mechanism to try to excuse their behaviour as a way of making sense of it, but his behaviour is inexcusable, and you're not to blame.

I'd definitely encourage doing some further reading. "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft is another good one. The Freedom Programme is a great tool and starting point for coming to terms with abuse but there's material out there that goes much deeper.

I've been speaking with his ex partner as recommended in the Lundy Bancroft book.
He had told me all sorts of really hateful stuff about here , very nasty and accusatory stuff.
She is now in a very happy and settled relationship for years so had nothing to gain by telling me that he was simply a selfish , stubborn man child who wanted his own way at all costs and stonewalling and gaslighting was his MO but had a good heart underneath it all. That he would disappear after a major bust up and then
Reappear when he felt she was serious about finishing with him. She said he destroyed her emotionally.

I just remembered something else. When we had the argument about him interacting with woman on line ( not in a sexual way, but even at that) and he said that he would unfriend this woman, he got a little nasty and said under his breath .... she probably won't ever want anything to do with me again after this anyway ... like a petulant child .
I really
Have dodged a bullet haven't I ?

Yes!

Yes, you have. And, yes, his behaviour was fucked up. If you're uncomfortable with the label "abusive," just recognise that the relationship was toxic and fucked up.

No matter what your own issues and imperfections may be, HE chose to act in ways that were selfish and hurtful towards you. You didn't "make" him do that.

Yes, do some more counselling so you can build more confidence on this. Many of us repeat the pattern of choosing relationships with dysfunctional partners, so it's great that you recognise that danger and want to avoid it--good for you! Sounds like you could do with some more assistance on learning about healthy relationships.

Good luck OP, good for you for leaving him.

Sounds like a bog-standard mysogynist. A proper one.
You're well rid. He has contempt for women, not just you.