Just finished the freedom programme on line and I'm confused

[doubleyokedeggs]

I've been trying to make sense of a partner with whom I broke up with recently.
I broke up with him because I started to feel uneasy or on edge. My sister told me that she felt my confidence was becoming low and that I was becoming paranoid about trusting my partner. We were only together for a year and a half. I have trust issues both in myself and in others for good reasons.
I've just finished the programme and found it gut wrenching intriguing.
He ticked a few boxes which is why I'm confused.
Can I vent here and ask you to help me organise my thoughts as I'm not ready to talk to anyone in Real life about this yet, please?
I will give examples of his personality and behaviours but first off I have to say he seemed to adore me and was so lovely most of the time which is in contradiction with some of my experiences with him.

These are the negatives

He was easygoing but if he wanted to do something, he did it regardless of my feelings.
When confronted he stonewalled me for days and refused to address the issue.

He rarely complimented me physically but regularly commented on other women , to me.

He also called women out to me as other looking'slutty'And could be very sexist, misogynistic and racist at times.

He withdrew from kissing passionately and hand holding.
He didn't like it when someone else complimented me.

He used to say.... jokingly... why do you take so long to answer your phone and if I delayed texting back, he did the same the next time.

He became authoritarian with my kids.
Liked traditional housekeeping roles.
He had little interest in spending time with his own children.
Spoke venomously about his exes
.
He never liked eye to eye contact too much.
His eyes looked dead.
Never eye contact when making love and while the physical connection was amazing, I never felt that he was very emotionally connected to me in bed.

He kept a bevvy of women/ old flames on social media and interacted with them but not in a sleazy way.

He also reverted to victim status once pulled up on shitty behaviour and finally he always felt sorry for himself, felt like life was down on him, always tired and lacked any motivation to do anything.
He needed regular ego boosting and validation.

If you've got this far, thanks.
Can I reply with your thoughts on this post.

@doubleyokedeggs

I just remembered something else. When we had the argument about him interacting with woman on line ( not in a sexual way, but even at that) and he said that he would unfriend this woman, he got a little nasty and said under his breath .... she probably won't ever want anything to do with me again after this anyway ... like a petulant child . I really Have dodged a bullet haven't I ?

You have, but not quite yet, if you know what he's doing on SM. Dodging involves ignoring and moving on.

It can be about our learnt patterns of responding.
In co-dependency, one partner can be a 'rescuer'. A lot of women fall into this role. We tend to fixate on the parts of the partner that are childlike and need us to tend to. Therefore we 'mother' the partner, tend to his needs, listen to his rants, soothe his feelings etc.
But in any behaviour there is a payoff that keeps the dynamic going. So the payoff for rescuers is that they do not demand adult emotional exchanges because they themselves use meeting others needs as a way to stay away from their own feelings.
If we dance attendance on someone, they won't pry into our feelings.
What also happens is that we turn their need into our need. A bit like a mother who won't let go her child. 'He needs me to make his dinner when he's late home from work. He couldn't do without me'.

Men with high needs are attracted to woman who is a Rescuer and who puts her own needs aside (so she can keep her emotions private and not inferred with). These men are self-absorbed. Which suits a woman who doesn't like to be emotionally investigated or smothered.
She is in 'control' when she's meeting other people's needs.
She is at a loss to meet her own needs because she's never done it.
When stressed her thoughts go to controlling and 'caring' and worrying about others.

For example, when such a woman feel stressed she might start worrying about her son's school shoes that need replacing and start googling shoes online.

Interesting you say your Dad adored you. He adored you probably because you adored him and attended to his needs, and gave him the attention he craved.
But of course, being your Dad, he was never in a position to emotionally meet you as an equal.
Here's a quick link about co-dependency. There's books and stuff as well: www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124
Remember! It's a learned pattern of responding. There's nothing about you that is broken. You are just as strong and complete as any one. It's the dynamic that causes us to feel helpless when we are stuck in it. You can unlearn these ways of responding.

Sometimes I can hardly believe that this has happened. It's a shock for me.
I need to believe that what he does is who he is. It's taking a while for that to absorb for me. Like it's taking me a while to process it. Does that make sense ?
I have him blocked on most things. It's taking me a bit of time to block him completely as there are loose ends

@doubleyokedeggs

Sometimes I can hardly believe that this has happened. It's a shock for me. I need to believe that what he does is who he is. It's taking a while for that to absorb for me. Like it's taking me a while to process it. Does that make sense ? I have him blocked on most things. It's taking me a bit of time to block him completely as there are loose ends

You are doing amazing well done for doing the freedom project. I myself had an abusive mother and put up with abuse from others because I believed that's all I deserved.

You are doing so well to have boundaries in place when you go on dates in future you will know what you are looking for don't let anyone chip away at your boundaries . Keep him blocked.

It takes time to process, that's normal. You said you only broke up recently, right? Are you still in contact, or can you cut contact with him completely?

I still have to contact him to return items and money. Now he has contacted my daughter to say goodbye and when she told him how disgusted she was to hear what he was doing, he responded by saying it wasn't what it seemed.
We will have this wrapped up as soon as he collects his belongings

If you want to stop history repeating itself, then you need to understand yourself better not waste time diagnosing this twat.

Focusing on what he did and didn’t do, distracts you from looking at why you accepted his behaviour.

Honestly , just stop trying to psychoanalyse him. It achieves nothing and really, who cares what he sometimes did or said?

Just remind yourself that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero. Most people in a relationship don't chat up other women. Most people in a relationship don't stonewall. Most people in a relationship aren't mean to their partner

Just forget him and don't engineer ways to meet with him or talk with him. I suspect you will but it's not a good idea at all

You can have it all wrapped up today, just pack up his belongings and either drop them off somewhere for him e.g his Mums/mates !

You don't need to allow him to see you or your kids again !