Am I overthinking the situation or is this not okay.

[Bcal92]

So me and my partner have been together for 5 years now. We have 2 beautiful daughters under 4 so it's very hands on. My partner was brilliant with the first, he had to be really involved though as I suffered with quite bad post partum depression, and he was brilliant.
I'm not sure if I am just having a realisation all of a sudden but I keep finding myself thinking I'm unhappy at the moment. I feel totally victamised by him a lot these days and it's silly little things that he does and says that just build up I think. Like the fact I do 90% of what needs doing for the kids, keep the house as well as I can manage which some days is difficult. The only things I ask him to do is take the bins out, and if I have a bad night with the baby (which is most nights) I ask him for 45 mins in bed in the morning before I get up and get my toddler dressed and ready for nursery, but he continuously whinges about clutter in the house, the fact that the laundry builds up but honestly kids come with a lot of stuff and I don't have the hours in the day to do it with looking after the baby who has now started moving.
He will swan off fishing at any opportunity he can, and he has recently decided to start an open university degree that he will sit and do for a couple of hours at peak times where I'm rushing myself ragid with the kids on an evening. I just feel like he proves a point to not help out ... If I ask him for help with something he will give me the huff and yeah 2 mins, then like 15 mins later I will get annoyed and do it myself.
I find myself asking him if I can go and do simple things like go to the shop alone and have a shower, and 9 times out of 10 he will tell my toddler to go find me when I'm in the shower.
Honestly I am just considering telling him to go. And it breaks by heart because I dont want to split up the family and he was so great once upon a time. But I feel myself resenting him.. what do I do. He criticises me a lot, makes me feel stupid like If I go to mention that I'm not happy about something he will turn around and tell me that I always do this... 1 little thing and I blow it out the water like it's a huge deal, when all I'm trying to do is communicate with him.
I'm completely stuck.

I think you need a frank discussion and a fairer distribution of jobs. You can’t and shouldn’t do everything. Tell him how unhappy you are - he sounds like he has got complacent and selfish and needs a reality check xx

Its not ok. The fact you say my toddler I think says how removed from it all he has become. It isnt helping it is a fair distribution of what needs to be done

In order for 'overthinking' to exist, there'd have to be a 'correct' level of thinking.

Who do you think makes the rules about how much you should 'think' a thing?

The fact is, how much you think about something is a manifestation of who you are. If you think about saving animals from cruelty a lot, that's because you care about the issue. If you think about cooking a lot, it's because you love/hate cooking. You wouldn't try to 'manage' or get an external opinion on whether you were doing it too much; you'd accommodate it. You'd cook more/less. You'd volunteer/get qualified to work for an animal charity.

If his behaviour is upsetting you, respect and accommodate that feeling. If he loves you, he'll respect it too, and it doesn't sound like that's the case, does it?

If someone doesn't respect your feelings, you need to make sure you've explained them clearly, and if that doesn't do the trick, you need to distance yourself from that person. Staying in a situation where someone disrespects you is you disrespecting yourself. Choose situations/people where respect for you (and them) is a given. Put all other relationships to the side.

Your children will benefit far more from the example 'walk away from disrespect' than they will from the example 'put up with disrespect because being respected isn't the most important thing.' They will replicate your example right through their adult life. If you want them to choose 'being respected' as their baseline, then seriously consider not staying in your current situation.

Not easy, especially as he was great before. But holding on to the past and hoping it'll come back is a great way to feel and to be stuck. Value respect of you; pull away from disrespect of you.

You need equal leisure time - non paid employment and non looking after the DC or doing housework.

Write down your leisure time for a week and his.

He chooses to go fishing and to do a degree they are his leisure activities.

Put it in black and white about white contributes the most time.

I think I know in my gut what needs to happen, I need to speak with him about it, but I know exactly how it will go, he will just start shouting about how ridiculous I am being.
I was up with the baby last night from 2am til 4am trying to settle her, I took her downstairs to feed etc so he wasn't disturbed. Then when we woke up at 6.30am for the day, rather than take her downstairs for her breakfast he decided to sit her in our bed and then our toddler came in, and it was a party in bed til 7.30am so them precious 45mins I ask for were not allowed yet again...
So I start flagging at 2pm and say I'm gonna nap with the baby at 4-5 because I'm shattered, and his response was... Shall we do a deal? If I go fishing for an hour until 5, you can go and get your head down when I'm back.... Like it just seems a bit like I'm begging for simple human needs.

Yeah he's treating you shoddily.

Does he understand that you both deserve the same amount of down time? That if you've missed out on sleep then he should do what he can to make up for that?

Or does he think that as a woman you should expect to work harder than him and sleep less?

His behaviour is shocking.

He is determined to do as little as is possible, hence the OU course.

Do you work?
Have you family?

This man is awful, doesn't care about you and is abusive if he is shouting atvyou when you ask for help.

Who can you turn to?
What are your options?

His behaviour is appalling. I’d be tempted to hand him the children in the afternoon and tell him you’re going for asleep, do NOT disturb me. You don’t have to ask him, the children are his as well and if he’s not getting up at night he’ll do his parenting in the day.

He is being unfair.

How you rectify that fairness is the difficult bit.

Having a go at him only adds to your lists of stress having to continually ask for help. So many men with young children try to escape the hard work, choosing work and hobbies above helping their wives.

He's selfish and useless, you would be better off hiring help and getting rid of the man child.

Yes I do work, I am on Maternity until May then I will be going back part time.
I am dreading it... I'm dreading having even less time.
I feel like I am failing miserably at being the perfect everything. I constantly have to deal with....
Ergh we need to get on top of the laundry... we should really try and eat better, let's start having proper homemade meals, homemade sauces etc they are much better for you... I wish we had more friends we are such a boring couple.... You should start going to baby clubs, she needs socialising... God we havent had sex for a couple of weeks, we need to sort it out...
And truthfully I am trying my absolute hardest, and i am shattered every single day and burnt out, If by some miracle I get a moment that doesn't involve me cleaning, tidying, doing bottles, laundry, preparing bags for nursery, food shopping, paying bills, running around after the toddler and now making homemade meals from scratch everyday... I literally sit on the sofa with a cuppa and think about what I can do to change this.
I suppose the idea of being alone scares me, especially with my girls being so young.
I think my confidence is shot.

@SunflowerTed

I think you need a frank discussion and a fairer distribution of jobs. You can’t and shouldn’t do everything. Tell him how unhappy you are - he sounds like he has got complacent and selfish and needs a reality check xx

I agree with this advice

Right first up is getting your confidence back and that is getting control.
Does he work outside the house? If so get a baby sitter for when he is out so you can focus on things that need to be done.

Go out for a meal but take a weekly chart. Block off his OU time and fishing time before hand . Ask him to agree the equal time for you and get him to block that off Book an exercise class in this time for you.
Agree with him what specific tasks he can do each week. He does the rubbish (big deal) . I think the best one is organising a pre-planned weekly shop or if you get that delivered then I would say if you are lucky to have 2 bathrooms that he cleans one of them and if he is doing his OU courses in a bedroom he is responsible for that and of course all the gardening. Tell him by being organised this gives him clear time to do his work/hobbies just like you. Invent an OU course you are doing and use the time to go out and exercise. And make it clear you are in a partnership not a slave kingdom and if he wants a different situation tell you now.

From now on let him do his own laundry and washing. Give him a bag to put it in so you don`t have to.

@Bcal92

Yes I do work, I am on Maternity until May then I will be going back part time. I am dreading it... I'm dreading having even less time. I feel like I am failing miserably at being the perfect everything. I constantly have to deal with.... Ergh we need to get on top of the laundry... we should really try and eat better, let's start having proper homemade meals, homemade sauces etc they are much better for you... I wish we had more friends we are such a boring couple.... You should start going to baby clubs, she needs socialising... God we havent had sex for a couple of weeks, we need to sort it out... And truthfully I am trying my absolute hardest, and i am shattered every single day and burnt out, If by some miracle I get a moment that doesn't involve me cleaning, tidying, doing bottles, laundry, preparing bags for nursery, food shopping, paying bills, running around after the toddler and now making homemade meals from scratch everyday... I literally sit on the sofa with a cuppa and think about what I can do to change this. I suppose the idea of being alone scares me, especially with my girls being so young. I think my confidence is shot.

This sounds really hard. So much anxiety and worry just being handed to you and you expected to fix it all. I think if he has time to do a degree, he has time to batch cook and freeze some healthy sauces to heat up with pasta or rice, if he is so worried about healthy cooking!

As well as talking about how to distribute tasks more fairly, maybe it would be good to talk about him not dumping all his lifestyle anxieties on you. It would be better if he could think of solutions to discuss. E.g. not 'ugh there's so much washing', he could suggest a seperate washing basket for adults and children, so you can keep on top of the endless baby washing but he keeps on top of the adults'.

Or, both come up with your top priorities and try and keep each other happy in those ways, and let other stuff slide. So if going to baby classes is important to you and washing is important to him, you can both work out how you can sort out those two things together. And accept that you can't do everything!!!

To do all of this requires self esteem honey and I think this is the core of your issue. Maybe look at courses to build this. Excising helps to give you feel good hormones too. I always think a course like painting gives people such a gentle lovely outlet. The people on such courses are wonderful. Build your self esteem and confidence, i know easier said than done. As I said if you cannot communicate easily in words then a visual calendar really helps. Many men will get away with the least so do not think he is all bad, he just needs training and something his mother perhaps willingly failed to do Think of it like a training works training course and you will be on the right lines :)

I feel like you’ve got two real options here.
One, you suggest relationship counselling.
You wait until a time where you can talk, properly, without the children awake and you say that you are at the brink of leaving the relationship. That you want to stay together but it feels impossible if things don’t change. Suggest counselling - if I starts shouting and ranting and raving then you know don’t you. You know that he doesn’t want things to be better for you if it involves any effort on his part.

Second option - you don’t suggest any way to try and fix it and you organise yourself and end the relationship.

You’ll be absolutely fine on your own OP, it sounds like you do the majority of the heavy lifting anyway. And all he’s doing is making it harder for you by not taking on any of the load and by the constant criticism. It sounds draining - probably more draining than just being a single parent.

You’re not happy and he’s not just going to wake up one day and think “oh I need to step up” so you’re going to have to force the matter - he either needs to take responsibility for his part in this or he needs to go.

Thank you all for your advice and support. Honestly It feels good to just tell people...
Because of what he is like.. which is very defensive and stubborn. I think what I'm going to do is join a class for me, maybe yoga, something relaxing... And I'm just going to tell him straight. I'm going to this class on X day at X time... And at some point I am sure he will see it as an opportunity to book out even more of his time to do his hobbies, seeing as I have a hobby now, and I think then I will just tell him either things change or he can leave.
I often sit and think of the time I'd have if we wasn't together and he would have to have the girls now and then... And I can go and do the shopping alone, do whatever I want. It's really sad isn't it.
I'm only 30 years old. Huff.

I often sit and think of the time I'd have if we wasn't together and he would have to have the girls now and then... And I can go and do the shopping alone, do whatever I want. It's really sad isn't it.
I'm only 30 years old. Huff.

No you have two beautiful girls and are still young but old enough to build your self esteem and as it sounds, work out who you want to be with who cherishes you. Your success is having brought two fantastic girls up so far. Being your best person, and maybe your best person is for now you alone is your next positive move. Yu have all the time in the world honey to look and step forward and upwards
and let them queue for you

You're doing it all on your own anyway tbh

He's the one who has split up the family. He might still be physically there but mentally he's already checked out. He's not parenting his DC and not doing any house chores. If he goes you'll be minus one huffy housemate. And if he has any desire for a relationship with his DC you'll have some me-time during his contact times.

Thank you. You have no idea how much I need this right now.
And in all honesty I don't even care about being with someone, I just want to be happy for me and for my girls, with support where it's needed... I would love for their dad to be there to add to that but I can't see it right now. We will have to see I suppose.
I have never threatened or even spoke about leaving him before so it will be interesting to see the reaction.

I think your plan is a good way to approach the situation and to start the conversation.

If he won’t change I think asking him to leave is your only option.
Yes, you’ll still have all the childcare and chores to do but minus the work he creates and minus the stress he causes.
Try online shopping and get it delivered.

You’ll be better off without him OP.

Honestly I've been in a similar situation, you're in the hard years with kids those ages. I'm still with dh and my kids are older but I did it all for a while and then just snapped. I admit he never criticized me or was unkind but he did very little really to help. One day I had enough, said I'd booked a fitness class and went out for the afternoon- left baby and toddler with him no prep done. Took my time too. Came in happy and relaxed and asked what he had done for dinner for us all? He honestly looked bewildered. He hadnt realised the tine as it had passed in a nappy, screaming, vomiting blur. He had a new appreciation for my role and things did change. I kept to my fitness class too.

I'm just saying have a chat you're both under sleep deprivation pressure at this time of your life so come up with your own balance.
The unkindness and criticism I wouldnt stand for at all- comment on it everytime he does. So him complaining about clutter= great idea of yours to sort it out, I'll take the kids in other room so you have more space to tidy!
Also lighten up on yourself, lower the standards- bulk cook on your days- I presume he cooks sometimes? If not introduced that. Dobt stress too much about tidying it's a losing battle with kids those ages! Be kind to yourself! X

He doesn't value you. That's all you need to know, honestly.

@Picklesandbeans

Honestly I've been in a similar situation, you're in the hard years with kids those ages. I'm still with dh and my kids are older but I did it all for a while and then just snapped. I admit he never criticized me or was unkind but he did very little really to help. One day I had enough, said I'd booked a fitness class and went out for the afternoon- left baby and toddler with him no prep done. Took my time too. Came in happy and relaxed and asked what he had done for dinner for us all? He honestly looked bewildered. He hadnt realised the tine as it had passed in a nappy, screaming, vomiting blur. He had a new appreciation for my role and things did change. I kept to my fitness class too.

I'm just saying have a chat you're both under sleep deprivation pressure at this time of your life so come up with your own balance.
The unkindness and criticism I wouldnt stand for at all- comment on it everytime he does. So him complaining about clutter= great idea of yours to sort it out, I'll take the kids in other room so you have more space to tidy!
Also lighten up on yourself, lower the standards- bulk cook on your days- I presume he cooks sometimes? If not introduced that. Dobt stress too much about tidying it's a losing battle with kids those ages! Be kind to yourself! X

This is such good advice. The difference between you and your husband is we are pre-programmed to put the kids first whereas they step in when forced. We need to programme ourselves to put ourselves first. Vital to keep ourselves thriving, not selfish. I can see this now I am 57.

OP,
Whatever you decide to do, mind yourself and try and protect yourself from him.

His relentless criticism of you, whilst not sharing the parenting load is hugely abusive IMO.

This is not a good man.

Hope for the best but start preparing for the worst, that you will be doing it alone.

You already are.
Reach out for support and tell those who care for you, the truth.

Don't become unwell.

I also think you need to stop doing anything like laundry for him.
Stop cooking meals.
Feed the children and yourself.
Let him sort himself out.

There is No way he is unware of how badly he is behaving.

He is a bully who thinks that he cand endlessly behave badly towards you and you will accept it.

As for sex?
You must have the total Ick for him.