Swift advice needed please.

[freckles20]

I'm On holiday with my husband and my 14-year-old son and 12 other family and friends.

Last night my partner had quite a lot to drink which is unusual for him. He said some really unkind things along the lines of him putting more into our relationship than me, me me not being affectionate enough and me not wanting to have sex enough etc etc. He Seemed really upset about the fact that I always stay up later than him. He chooses to go to bed at 10 o'clock because he works really hard and is tired. I sometimes relish that last hour of peace by myself and also prefer to know that my son is asleep before I go to bed.

We have had a very tough year. My son has struggled with his mental health, and has suicidal ideation. 03 so it's difficult to sleep until I know he is asleep, I often have to check on him multiple times a night to check he is safe.

I have some problems with irregular bleeding every single day which are being investigated and also a breast lump that I'm waiting for an appointment for next week (GP has told me it is precautionary and he's not v worried but it is still a worry too be on the 'two / six week wait').

So I am stressed and I'm doing my best.

I can't bear to speak to him today. I am swinging between feeling angry and tearful. His family are quite judgemental and I would prefer for them not to get caught in the middle of this. I am not close to anyone here.

I feel like my only option is to protect myself by going quiet.

How can I explain to him that I need to be quiet? I know The silent treatment not ok but right now I don't know what else to so. I just want to get through today and tonight and get home.

How can I give 'the silent treatment' without being cruel?

If he isn't normally one to drink too much, it sounds like he's maybe stressed too. Not suggesting all men are the same at all, but my xh used to get v frustrated that at times of high stress for us, he'd want closeness and I'd want distance. The problems your son is facing are also ones that will make your DH upset, he just may not be showing it, same with your health at the moment. You say he works v hard and is shattered.
Maybe you are just two sides of the same coin.
I don't know that telling him you need some time is cruel but doing so while on holiday with others may make you seem petulant. Only you can decide whether you can act your way through gritted teeth and discuss things properly when you get home.

And why on EARTH are you away with the entire family?? If that doesn't sound like a stress inducing situation, I don't know what does.

Don't sit and wallow.
Talk to him this morning. Tell him his behaviour hurt you and you need to know whether he meant it or whether he was acting out because of the drink.

Then go from there.

Tbh I’m not excusing drunken behaviour but he is obviously unhappy and wanted to get his point across. Shouldn’t you be encouraging further conversation rather than punishing him for trying to make improvements to your marriage? Are his point valid ?

You take a deep breath and paint a smile on your face until you get home.
Use this time to think about what you are going to say.
Try and get away from the crowd without it looking like you’re in a mood.
You can do this 💐

I would speak to him and try and get him to agree that you shelve this for the duration of the holiday and concentrate on relaxing and having as a nice time as poss.
Then you and he will have a sober discussion about how you are both feeling when you get back home, as being on holiday with family isn’t the time and place for it.

Thank you all for your advice.

I'm not sure I can have a discussion about it atm without a lot of tears. I feel like I need to calm down, and think rationally first or I'll just be a mess.

We are skiing so spending all day with the group (DH is the most experienced and everyone relies on him).

There is some truth in what he says about having sex but I haven't felt like sex because of the bleeding. I guess I've been surviving doe a while and other stuff has gone by the wayside.

He is worried about DS too, but less so than me. He isn't his dad, he does love him dearly but isn't as afraid as I have been for him.

I agree this holiday wasn't a good idea. DH wanted us to be here, he didn't listen when I said I thought it wasn't a good idea atm. To be fair it's his favourite holiday. He should have come without us to enjoy it more.

Is your son your dh’s child?
I think your concern about your 14 year old is absolutely normal for a parent and I would probably feel like you too.
You must be exhausted OP.

Your dh has obviously felt resentful for some time.
You do need a frank discussion with him but probably best to wait until you get home.
Me, I would think much less of an adult who put their own physical needs above a struggling teens mental health.

Sound like your ‘DH’ doesn’t go listen to you enough.
Chin up until you’re home 💐

So, you have a son who is struggling with his mental health, serious worries about your own health and this is the time your husband chooses to start whining? really?

I don't think anyone who is having problems with irregular bleeding everyday is going to feel particularly up to having frequent sex...

It sounds like your husband is rather immature and frankly being selfish at a time when what you and your son really need is support.

Yes, he is probably stressed too but putting the blame on you, the person who seems to be holding everything together, and adding to your worries is not on.

Have a conversation with him when he is sober but don't start blaming yourself and putting more pressure on yourself when frankly you already have enough to cope with.

Can DH look after your son on the slopes without putting him at any risk? If so, could you just say, you've had a terrible night's sleep, and just need a lie in this morning. And agree with the others, yes, you're gutted to miss the last day but just can't think straight. That's probably no lie! Did you say you're home tomorrow? That's not too long to have to go through the motions I hope and then you could say to him, Saturday evening, or if your son is out with friends at any point this weekend, can you have a proper chat about what he said on holiday.

Hang in there OP, his timing was utterly rubbish, definitely, but maybe this gives you guys a chance to talk properly instead of bottling as you've had to do to survive so far, as you say.

What @Electable said! Especially this:

So, you have a son who is struggling with his mental health, serious worries about your own health and this is the time your husband chooses to start whining? really?

And this: Have a conversation with him when he is sober but don't start blaming yourself and putting more pressure on yourself when frankly you already have enough to cope with.

@ElectraBlue this should have read...

Thank you all for your responses- they have helped me to get through today.

DH and I have been cordial. We will hopefully chat when we get home. I can't help feeling that he's being unfair given the other things that I have going on ATM- but I'll try to see things from his POV as well as my own.

He just messaged me this: "You both treat me like dirt. I do everything for both of you and you show no thanks…. "

The message was a complete shock. I didn't realise he felt we are ungrateful, and I don't think that we are.

DS probably does take DH for granted. But he's been his step dad for a very long time time, and I'm not sure it is fair to expect a 14yo to be grateful for having a nice step dad.

I am forever saying thank you for things, and I had no idea I might seem ungrateful. It couldn't be further from the truth.

Not really sure where to go from here TBH.

It sounds like the beginning of the end to be honest.
He clearly has a lot of built up resentment and it wasn't just a drunken outburst if he's trickling about nasty comments and messages.

Oh OP, that is awful. It sounds like you've both had a hellish year (as has everyone), especially you. I would be in pieces worrying about my child's MH and also my own physical health. Also frankly a holiday with 12 family members also sounds hellish to me! I hope it isn't all bad for you.

Normally I would suggest you cut your H some slack for his outburst, that during stressful times many of us aren't at our best and may say something hurtful but if the relationship is strong otherwise, you can talk through the problem.

But I'm very shocked by the text message.

First, he's deliberately choosing to extend the conflict. Instead of saying "I was really drunk and said crappy things, yes there is a problem but I'm willing to wait til we get home to discuss it" he's chosen to send you a really aggressive message like that that pours fuel on the fire. What the hell!

Second ... what a shitty thing to say to your partner. Obviously there are some really deep resentments here.

I'm sure like all of us you're imperfect, but holding that much resentment against a partner who is having health problems (so difficult to treat swiftly during covid) and whose child is having serious MH issues--!! How fucking clueless is he?!

How is the relationship otherwise?

How do you feel about it?

He just messaged me this: "You both treat me like dirt. I do everything for both of you and you show no thanks…. "

That’s a horrible message to be sent. Your son is 14 ( show me a 14 year old that doesn’t take parents for granted) and struggling.
There are times in life when you have to prioritise the problems.
Your son
Your health problems ( hope all turns out ok)
This is no time for your DH to have strop and start shouting me me me.
Think you might just have to point this out to him and he’ll have to wait a while for attention.

Sounds like a communication issue and he has been bottling it up. The alcohol just allowed it all to be blurted out, maybe in not the most sensitive way. Listen to the message, rather than the tone this time. Yes, you are under a lot of pressure and stress but it sounds like (rightly or wrongly) he is feeling sidelined and not appreciated.

This is an awful time for him to abuse you and this is believe me abuse. Covert but abuse.

You are bleeding every day and he wants sex ? So if he had a sore bleeding penis how would he feel if you demanded more sex??

The whole thing is abuse. He is doing it in front of others for a reason. Cry - your hysterical and too much of a drain - silent you are moody - no you have to be happy 😆 and he can kick you and kick you. Do you have to share a room with him? I’d move up and be bright and cheerful to everyone else and share with your son or chat to the others. This is emotional abuse - this is not a normal chat

Well he sounds like a fucking prince. Take things slowly, look after yourself and DS and get you all home in one piece away from his family.
He may be genuinely stressed, he may be checking out. Put you and DS first.

@CousinKrispy

How is the relationship otherwise?

How do you feel about it?

@CousinKrispy thank you for your kind words. I'm feeling quite baffled and confused TBH.

I did not want to come on this holiday for a few reasons- taking DS away in the midst of his difficulties felt scary, sky high insurance for me whilst I await tests and prognosis, French rules are a nightmare for a partially vaccinated teenager (DS has had to have a supervised LF test every day), DH's family aren't very sensitive types and I often feel judged by them, I am also quite a quiet person and the trip is always boozy and loud and I don't feel that I fit in.

I was more than happy for DH to come without us but he insisted.

I have always felt grateful to him. He is a lovely man, and a good husband. I thought I was a good wife.

I have really struggled with DS's difficulties, and it has changed me. Being told that my lovely boy isn't safe and had plans to end his life floored me, and I have had to work hard to keep things together. He now has a diagnosis and I am hopeful, but it has been a very hard time.

Financially DH brings in more money than I do. Covid finished off my family business- my dad had owned a successful business for 42 years and I had been there for the last 10. I have picked myself up, become self employed and am doing my best- but it is very unequal at the moment.

Friends have always told me that I shouldn't feel so grateful to DH, because that's not how a marriage works. So this latest text has confused me.

I am sitting in our room on my own. DS is in the bath. Everyone else is downstairs drinking, taking loudly and laughing and I feel very alone. I have to go down for dinner soon.

Thank you all for understanding. It is saying something when I am drawing comfort and strength from mumsnet!

"Cry - your hysterical and too much of a drain - silent you are moody - no you have to be happy 😆 "- Yes to this. This is how I feel. So I am hiding upstairs.

Last time we did this trip DS and I had to sit and listen to some horrible stereotypes about only children from the others. We are both only children. I wanted a second child but it didn't happen. I got upset and they decided that in doing so I was proving the stereotypes were correct because I couldn't cope with criticism- too sensitive you see, typical only child..........

Shudder. This holiday sounds like my worst nightmare. Maybe you and your DS can find a way to laugh about it, at least someday ...

So. They're people who toss around stupid and hurtful stereotypes. Then they're gleeful when someone gets hurt by a hurtful stereotype. WOW WHAT A SURPRISE! They sound like bullies.

I wonder if it's possible your H is also a bully. You say he is a lovely man. Is he really lovely to you, on a day to day basis, including through the hard times? Or is he performatively lovely in front of others, or lovely until the going gets tough? (Rhetorical questions, you don't have to answer.)

I know that feeling of you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Damned if you argue back, damned if you show emotion, damned if you remain silent to protect yourself.

I had a hurtful, bullying husband. I finally had to get to a point where I understood that the stuff that came out of his mouth was always potentially bullshit.

I hated thinking that because I loved and respected him when I married him, and I knew this was not a loving, respectful way to think about my life partner. But it was true. Lots of hurtful, lying shit came out of his mouth about me when he was feeling bad and wanted to lash out.

Finally realizing that the hurtful, lying, unnecessary shit was in fact bullshit was such an important step for me. Of course it meant the marriage was over--but it needed to be over. I needed to stop being his emotional punching bag.

Big hugs.

Sorry but your DH isnt lovely- you have your own physical health issues and are under investigation and your DS has mental health issues which include suicidal ideation. Your husbands take on this is you both treat him like dirt. This is when him being a step father shines through. He isnt interested in your DS mental health issues, only his own. He expects gratitude for taking you both on. He isnt a good 'dad' as he isnt being a dad to your DS. You and your DS are a package and your husbands anger is directed at both of you. I get this as my OH would lump me and my DS together with his criticisms, difference was I had three other kids with him. But the division became more apparent when my DS became a teen after my DH stating he was my DS dad and treating him like a DS. When the going got tough he would switch as he couldnt be associated with a DC with issues as that would reflect badly on him. I would go home...

OP, I hope you're ok. How much longer are you on holiday for?

You DH sounds like a nasty prick quite frankly. You must be out of your mind with worry for your DS as well as for yourself. Yet his response is to "insist" you go on a holiday he wants to go on. Leaving you isolated with his unsupportive family. Then moan at you that he doesn't get enough sex fucking diddums and that you are not grateful enough.

I'm surprised he can get down the slopes without topplling over with the size of his head.