Not a mum, but I'm completely fed up

[Anondad35]

Never posted to anything like this before but here goes..not sure how it will come out but I'll just type...

I'm a dad to a girl(20 months) and a boy (4) and live with my partner and I have pretty much been doing everything for the 1/2 years +.

I work from home, yet I still get up with the kids, get son ready for school, take him, pick him up, look after daughter until partner wakes up (any time between 11 and 2pm normally) and even then she isn't much help. I change every nappy, make every drink (kids and adults), the washing, dinner, the majority of the cleaning, school run, bathtimes, bedtimes you name it, while she will watch tele or play on her phone or something (in bed most of the time)

And yet she still critisieses constantly.
Got forbid I put away a t-shirt in the trouser drawer, or if I forget to put salt on her dinner or something stupid like that....

She always wants sex but its always one sided, barely any foreplay for me, never any oral, and then teases me about it but expects it all from me..

I'm drained, I'm barely keeping up with the housework anymore, I'm not getting much done working from home, and I'm always always tired

She's depressed and on medication but so am I... she has mentioned suicide in the past.. I just don't know what to do

Do you love her?

If the answer is no, then you need to leave.

I am sorry, you probably feel you don't have the strength to do that right now, but this is not going to get better.

Could you manage to get your daughter into a nursery?
There is no way I could work and look after a child at the same time.

If you don't do it what happens? Sometimes it's easy for somebody to slack off knowing somebody else will pick up all the hard work.
Can you work from home but out of the home anywhere ever? I mean some things can be carried round on a laptop and be done practically anywhere. I ask because it might be good if you can do that once a week at least, even just for a few hours in the morning. Let her have at least one day a week where she is having to actually get up and parent.
And when you say (kids and adults) why? If she is not helping at all then the least you can do for yourself is make things a little easier for yourself by not catering to it anymore by not preparing her food and drinks or doing washing for her.

Hair you discussed this with your DP? Sounds like a conversation is needed about how things can improve for both of you & maybe get some outside help if you can afford (cleaner etc)

Also sounds like DP could use some counselling/medical advice if this has persisted for so long & suicide has been mentioned - would they be receptive to this at all?

Sorry, a minor point I know, but you're putting salt on HER dinner for her and then she gets arsey if it's not right?

It may be a small thing, but it's indicative of the bigger picture. What exactly does she contribute to either the relationship or the household? And I too have severe depression, so I know how disabling it can be, but it's not a carte blanche to have everyone treat you like a china doll and give nothing back.

She sounds depressed but the constant demands for sex seem a bit off to me. If she was a man everyone would be saying ltb and I think they'd be right.

No matter how depressed she is, she's treating you like a doormat. You need to speak to her. Tell her you can't do everything. It's unfair, she sounds lazy tbh, but if her depression is that bad she needs to see someone. You cannot be expected to work AND keep house with small children. And tell her to salt her own bloody dinner!

Well what is the point of her? If she was a man everyone would be telling you to leave.

Is she theoretically the stay at home parent and you’re the breadwinner?
Why don’t you suggest putting your youngest in nursery and she could get a job. She’s depressed and maybe having a reason to go out on her own would help? Also you would have an easier time working without a toddler underfoot.

You say it’s been like this for 1-2 years, so since your second child was born? Did she suffer with PND then?
What were things like before then?

LTB

Have you got somewhere you can go for the day to work op? I have every sympathy for people with depression, a lot of us have been there. But sitting festering in bed all day being waited on hand and foot is doing no favours for her mental health. Right now you’re enabling her to behave in a way thats counter productive to her getting well. If I were you I’d say to her ‘I need a day to focus on my work without having to run the house and do all of the childcare during my working hours. I’ll be leaving the house at x time tomorrow and returning in the evening. It’s up to you to get up and take care of the children while I’m gone’. I actually suspect that it’s not depression at play here given the abuse she gives you about getting everything perfect, plus the fact that she’s too much of a princess to put her own condiments on the dinner you’ve cooked her. I’d be contemplating whether she’s just selfish and lazy.

It's very unusual for a depressed person to want sex all the time? Has she been assessed by a GP recently? Why is she in bed til 2pm each day?

This is an abusive relationship. Badgering for sex and threatening suicide... regardless of their sex, your partner is awful, and frankly should sod off. Do you want to stay with her?

Has she always been like this?

Well you can’t carry on like this.

Do you want to leave or have a last ditch attempt to save it. If it’s the latter, then a come to Jesus conversation and some counselling is what you need, which can also be a helpful way to manage a breakup, if it’s not salvageable.

You also need to pull all your financials and see a solicitor so you have a plan. It sounds like the kids will be with you FT and as she doesn’t work, you’ll be financially responsible for them, so where will she live - does she have parents she can go back to? Or could they and you jointly fund a one bed for her while she gets back on her feet?

In the meantime can you extend childcare.

I know you are knackered, buy try and start using what energy you have to move forward.

If she was depressed, she'd be unlikely to want sex all the time, and unlikely to give a crap if things weren't perfect. You're being taken for a mug.

Shes a lazy selfish twat! Why are you putting up with this?

Has she threatened suicide as a manipulation tactic before or just generally as part of depression?

What did you see in her in the beginning?

You need to have an open and honest conversation with this woman and tell her exactly how you feel. Refuse to participate when she initiates sex.

Only joined to post this, as someone pointed this thread out to me.

What you're describing is my life 14 years ago. Almost identical.
I had a 3 year old boy and 18 month old boy. Everything else was exactly the same.
It didn't get better, no matter what I did. Eventually, shortly after buying a big family home, she ended up asking me to move out. 5 days later she asked me to move back. I'd realised in those 5 days that there was no way I wanted to go back, and all I worried about was my boys.
I got a nice rented flat and had my boys over a few days a week. By the end of a year I had them most days of the week.
She went downhill, ended up sectioned and spent lots of weeks inside.
Got divorced, kept the kids and the house. And by quirk of being made redundant just before the financial hearing, I also got a clean break.

Could say lots about lots of crazy thing by the ex, and what she was eventually diagnosed with.... but I think the best advice would be run. Do what's best for your kids to make sure they're safe, but get out. It won't get better and you can't fix it.

She wants sex all the time does she?!

I think the best advice would be run. Do what's best for your kids to make sure they're safe, but get out. It won't get better and you can't fix it.

This.