Should I just delete him and move on?

[Katywilkes89]

I came out a very emotionally abusive relationship 10 months ago. I have two children. 3 months ago I started seeing a man i have knew for quite a few years, always had a thing for me but as I was in a relationship nothing was going to happen. He got in contact and we started speaking. We have been spending a lot of time together and we mutuality agreed to not see anyone else etc. Things were going great up until this past week where he has seemed very distant, not replying to texts for hours (despite being online). I text him a couple of days ago to ask if he wanted to meet up the following day to which he replied (4 hours later) that he couldn't. Havent spoken much since then and when we have its not much of a conversation. I haven't initiated any more conversations as I don't want to embarrass myself.

Should I just delete him?

Not mutuality, mutually 🤣😂

Don’t delete but do back away.

There may be a perfectly legitimate reason for his distant behaviour.

He also may just not be feeling it and hasn’t got the orbs to say it.

Whatever the reason, I’d be wanting someone who could explain the former. And also would want someone who had the baws to explain the latter.

He can make the next move.

I'd be walking away, yes. If you want a long term relationship, stopping and starting unpredictably isn't really something you want.

I agree with pp. don’t delete as there might be a genuine reason for him backing off.

The respectful thing to do, whatever the reason, would be to communicate with you. If he is withdrawing the way he’s doing it is off-putting and a sign of emotional immaturity and should be a red flag op. You deserve respect and honesty and after what you’ve been through you are not about to set yourself up for anything less than you deserve xx

Thanks for the replies 😊. I agree it is definitely off putting as I am a very easy person to talk to, if he isn't interested anymore I won't be offended and i will take it for what it is. I certainly don't want to be with someone like my ex again and unfortunately the inconsistencies and what feels like game playing is a major red flag.

I will not be initiating contact with him from now on, if he has mutual feelings towards me I'm sure he will be in touch! 😊

Please consider your children in all this. 7 months after splitting from their ?Dad, you're going out with someone else, and now potentially discontinuing this relationship? Perhaps he is being more careful with their feelings than you?

@Tempusfudgeit

Please consider your children in all this. 7 months after splitting from their ?Dad, you're going out with someone else, and now potentially discontinuing this relationship? Perhaps he is being more careful with their feelings than you?

My children have no idea who I date. I would never introduce someone to my children after 3 months so.

Yes 7 months to some may not seem long, but I wasted 9 long years with someone who called me disgraceful names and controlled every aspect of my life.

Your comment is actually very irrelevant to my situation.

I would delete personally. You asked to meet, he said no and nothing since then. Don't waste time on people who can't communicate or be honest.

I'd just mentally detach yourself, leave it for now and wait and see what happens.

Tempusfudgeit

Judge much ! Single parents tend to date separate and away from home

I’d back off totally and approach him with extreme caution , he might have a good reason but instinct tells me it’s likely to be backing off

It's up to you really. Actions speak louder than words. If you delete him or block him you are giving him a reaction. If you just leave him on there and get on with your life it may help bruise his ego that you are not fussed. It really does depend on how you feel and whether you really want to block him or delete him and uave no intention of going back to talking.

As I say actions speak louder than words. Trust your gut. X

He messaged me earlier to say he hasn't really been feeling quite himself recently and that's why he hasn't been talking as much.

Have you received any help like counselling since you left your abusive ex? Going into another relationship without doing so, and so fast, could mean youre much more likely to end up in another.

Good of him to let you know, but doesn't really make him the bloke of your dreams, does it...

@TracyMosby

Have you received any help like counselling since you left your abusive ex? Going into another relationship without doing so, and so fast, could mean youre much more likely to end up in another.

This ^^ speaking from experience.

I would walk away, whatever the reason he has for being distant he should have the decency to tell you and the fact he hasn't told you probably means the reason isn't particularly justified.

'Not feeling quite himself' would be a red flag for me , I reckon he's testing you.

@Vapeyvapevape

'Not feeling quite himself' would be a red flag for me , I reckon he's testing you.

Testing me how do you think?

And yes I do agree, jumping from one to the other definitely isn't ideal. I will be keeping him at arms length now.

I haven't replied to that message to be honest, I'm not sure how? I think its best if I refrain from contacting him at all.

What I mean is that he goes cold and when you back off a bit he contacts you, reeling you back in. He's seeing what behaviour you will put up with , I may be wrong but it's very common for women to leave one abusive relationship and end up in another.
I would definitely get some counselling to make sure you can set solid boundaries for yourself.

@Vapeyvapevape

What I mean is that he goes cold and when you back off a bit he contacts you, reeling you back in. He's seeing what behaviour you will put up with , I may be wrong but it's very common for women to leave one abusive relationship and end up in another. I would definitely get some counselling to make sure you can set solid boundaries for yourself.

This. He is making excuses for being shitty.

He is seeing whether minimum effort will keep you interested.

It’s a tough one
I agree that after an abusive relationship counselling is helpful
But I actually can’t face it
Dragging it all up !

But also , sometimes , I don’t feel like myself and I’m Not as chatty
It’s happened a lot , so I think it’s also ok for people to be low energy - I can’t be the only person ?

You could send something kind like
‘Sorry to hear that , take care of
Yourself ‘

And then leave him to it

As harsh as it sounds, if he's not feeling himself that's not your problem, it's such early days and you want to date someone that's into you are you are them.

People lie and are flaky for all sorts of reasons when dating, its nothing you've done. Its a shame as you've known of him a while. I would suspect as he's been online a lot but ignoring you, he could be dating someone else or have another option.

Yes it is a shame but for the best I suppose. I like attention and consistency so he isn't right for me anyway.

I do have a feeling maybe there is someone else, he heard through a mutual friend that I was now single and that prompted him to contact me so I guess he couldve been seeing someone already (although he told me he wasn't).

Delete and block him.