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Original poster

Husband moving abroad with OW. What should I expect?

31 replies

cato40 · 27/01/2022 01:02

I hope this is the right section and someone who has been in a similar situation can advise? To cut long story short, I am European, my soon to be ExHusband is from SE Asia, we fell in love many years ago and settled here. things haven't been going well for some time and now he is leaving for OW, we have two kids 5 and 9 and no family in the UK, both work full time in decent jobs.
Tonight he said he wishes to move back to his home country with OW, fine (she doesn't live in the UK but is originally from the same place as him). He said he would like to move with the kids but I said no chance: they grew up here and will live here until the youngest is 18 (although I'd like to go back to my country but then he could argue the kids may as well go to his, I don't want the kids, who don't speak either of our native languages to have to experience any more changes and difficulties). I told them he can come and visit, we agree I keep the house I already own 75% (tenants in common) and expect child maintenance if he stays in the UK and work. If he goes back to his home country(he's not sure yet) I don't think, or would expect much as even if he gets a job there he won't make a lot of money. At the moment he seems reasonable on the financials but I will definitely get it all sorted through a solicitor in case his new plans don't work and changes his mind. We invested everything on the house and have little separate savings, I presume he will want to keep some to set up his new life. What would be a fair demand if he moves to a country with lower wages? And how would any child maintainace be enforced? Anything I should be entitled to? I want to do things quickly before he starts making plans with OW and wants more money from the house to start his new life? I am past the disappointment of my failed marriage, just want to make the kids' and my best interest! Should we settle financials and child arrangements before completing the separation? Wonder if he changes his mind and then remarries and brings OW here and then ask for a bigger slice of what we have built so far? I'd rather him go back to his home country and forget about us! Many thanks!

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/01/2022 01:04

Solicitor. First thing tomorrow morning.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2022 01:08

@AtrociousCircumstance

Solicitor. First thing tomorrow morning.

This. It is complex. Is there a reciprocal arrangement for child support? It is a Hague Convention country?

All sorts of very important legal issues.

Original poster

cato40 · 27/01/2022 01:14

Not a Hague convention country that's why I have issues with him taking the kids. Have been speaking to a few wsolicitors and I know I need a specialist for international divorces but they all seem to focus on high profile multi million worth of divorces and we are not that rich, wonder if they'll even consider this case!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2022 01:58

I wouldn't be allowing my child to visit a non-Hague convention country. And be making sure their passports were in my possession.

silentpool · 27/01/2022 02:18

You won't necessarily need a specialist lawyer but I would get a good one. This is an area where I would not try and save money. You can do a lot of the work yourself (Form E, mediation, court etc) but a good lawyer is priceless to review documents and expedite the process.

My ex-H and I divorced in the UK but neither of us were living there at the time the divorce was finalised - but I was, when the divorce was started. So it is possible to deal with complicated situations, with a good divorce lawyer. This included assets abroad etc, which is more complicated than yours, by the sounds of things.

While many countries recognise UK divorces, it would be costly to go after him later for child maintenance etc. You can take him back to court if he fails to adhere to the terms of the divorce. But it costs money and effort. So you need to be realistic about that possibility when you agree your settlement. If all your money/assets are in the UK, it will be easier because you will not need to chase money/assets abroad.

Settle your affairs while he is in the UK and get a clean break order. That way he cannot come back wanting more. I would do that now before his circumstances change and he is loved up with OW.

Lastly, do not let your children visit a non-Hague Convention country. Agree that he will visit them and keep their passports/inform the border authorities.

expat101 · 27/01/2022 02:55

Personally, I would say it's his choice to leave/move o/s, however, he needs to make time to come and visit the children, rather than the children going to him.

but do please see a solicitor asap and give a friend the passports to mind in the meanwhile. Get them out of the house.

Eileen101 · 27/01/2022 02:59

@MrsTerryPratchett

I wouldn't be allowing my child to visit a non-Hague convention country. And be making sure their passports were in my possession.

This, many times over. See a solicitor ASAP to protect your position.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/01/2022 03:11

Yes get everything sorted before he leaves.
Bear in mind that once he is gone it is likely to be next to impossible to enforce child maintenance so I would be taking that into account when splitting assets. Ignore what he says about what he will do - that’s just words.
I’d also speak to a solicitor about guardianship for the DC if something happens to you.

dopenguinsdance · 27/01/2022 03:16

Definitely see a solicitor as soon as you can. Legal aid is still available in (potential) child abduction cases- ie. if your DH is talking about taking your children to live abroad, without your consent.

This is a government (UK) website with contact details for lawyers specialising in family law/international child custody issues
www.gov.uk/guidance/child-abduction-accredited-solicitors-referral-lis

There's useful information on this website. Reunite is a charity dealing with parental child abduction & the movement of children across international borders.
www.reunite.org
They can put you in touch with solicitors who have experience in situations similar to yours.

I'm aware that the law in eg. Pakistan has changed to give more protection to non-domiciled and/or non-citizen parents in child custody cases, but I suspect it's still a very complicated and costly process to get children returned from there. There isn't yet the same level of reciprocity as you get between Hague Convention countries.

RantyAunty · 27/01/2022 03:52

Have you been to a solicitor yet?

dustyparadeground · 27/01/2022 04:45

+1 for seeing a solicitor, ASAP. Houses and custody bring out the worst in people and he may surprise you once OW gets her claws in. And, yes, kids passports go to a safe deposit box

Bussinbussin · 27/01/2022 05:01

Are your children dual nationals?

My ex was able to apply to his home country for passports for our kids without my knowledge/involvement. I'm not sure if he had to fake my signature or if it wasn't required - either way it was easy for him and meant that he could have got around me hiding their original passports and/or putting a flag on to stop them at the border.

jackiebenimble · 27/01/2022 07:44

I would work on the basis in your own mind of never receiving a penny once he leaves the country.

However, don't give him permission not to! Once you create children you are financially responsible for, you cannot move to a low wages country if you have no means to financially support them. He needs to figure it out.

If he is choosing to abandon his children it is not your concern how he finances his new life. Will he actually follow through with it?

Also if you do keep the family home. It becomes yours. He doesn't get to assume he can use it as a base to see the children when he visits. The consequence of moving abroad is having to sort stuff like that out

Get a solicitor to secure the highest share you can as i am guessing thats all you will ever get.

HoppingPavlova · 27/01/2022 07:48

If it’s looking likely he will pay no/limited child maintenance then I’d be really trying to limit any $$ from the house. Lawyer up!

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 27/01/2022 07:57

Also if he has a pension make sure that is factored in

Loopyloulou007 · 27/01/2022 08:27

Empty the shared savings account and put it somewhere else, so he doesn't leave you with nothing on top of no maintenance when he moves. The house regardless of tenants in common, if you are married is already 50/50.

Defo get to a solicitor.

Original poster

cato40 · 27/01/2022 09:30

Thank you all for your replies! I don't think he will follow through as OW has 2 kids same age as ours and can't see them living their romance with 4 girls aged between 5 and 11!
I don't expect he will be able or will pay maintainance once he goes, someone here said I can agree on some extra share of the house in lieu of future maintainance payments. That would be preferable.
He could totally do the passport trick, need to be careful of that, really hope he will bugger off and forget about us! Thank you for making me aware of that possibility

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 27/01/2022 09:33

Have you talked to a solicitor?

Original poster

cato40 · 27/01/2022 09:36

Yes spoken to a solicitor, actually two but not one of those abduction specialists.

OP posts:

SolasAnla · 27/01/2022 09:45

See if any missed CS payments can be offset against any equity he holds in the home.

Passports; also look at your county of origin to see if you should obtain citizenship and passports for your girls as different countries can have independent treaties and differing levels of diplomatic influence.
I would suggest that your children learn the two languages as part of their cultural heritage but also so that they could if necessary communicate independently on arrival in the countries. Although the partner may not be pushing for a mixed family his family may encourage it.

ChoiceMummy · 27/01/2022 09:52

@cato40

I hope this is the right section and someone who has been in a similar situation can advise? To cut long story short, I am European, my soon to be ExHusband is from SE Asia, we fell in love many years ago and settled here. things haven't been going well for some time and now he is leaving for OW, we have two kids 5 and 9 and no family in the UK, both work full time in decent jobs. Tonight he said he wishes to move back to his home country with OW, fine (she doesn't live in the UK but is originally from the same place as him). He said he would like to move with the kids but I said no chance: they grew up here and will live here until the youngest is 18 (although I'd like to go back to my country but then he could argue the kids may as well go to his, I don't want the kids, who don't speak either of our native languages to have to experience any more changes and difficulties). I told them he can come and visit, we agree I keep the house I already own 75% (tenants in common) and expect child maintenance if he stays in the UK and work. If he goes back to his home country(he's not sure yet) I don't think, or would expect much as even if he gets a job there he won't make a lot of money. At the moment he seems reasonable on the financials but I will definitely get it all sorted through a solicitor in case his new plans don't work and changes his mind. We invested everything on the house and have little separate savings, I presume he will want to keep some to set up his new life. What would be a fair demand if he moves to a country with lower wages? And how would any child maintainace be enforced? Anything I should be entitled to? I want to do things quickly before he starts making plans with OW and wants more money from the house to start his new life? I am past the disappointment of my failed marriage, just want to make the kids' and my best interest! Should we settle financials and child arrangements before completing the separation? Wonder if he changes his mind and then remarries and brings OW here and then ask for a bigger slice of what we have built so far? I'd rather him go back to his home country and forget about us! Many thanks!

If you get the child maintenance sorted via court order or cms, this can then be enforced in many other countries. . Imo, just because he chooses to go back to his home country doesn't get him off the hook for maintenance. He's a parent and that's what he needs to do as a parent.

As for relocation. He'd need to apply to UK courts to be able to live abroad if you refuse.
However, if he moves abroad, it would then be harder for him, to state that you shouldn't relocate to a your home country as he's not here. But he is could go back to court for greater shared residency etc.

Jsku · 27/01/2022 09:54

If you are in England - you can go consent order way and not have mediation, you don’t even need Form E, if you are in agreement. Although in your case - with no complicated assets and him moving abroad, it may be easy to fill out, and it won’t hurt.
You need to write down what you and him have agreed -clean break; house 75% to you; no spousal maintenance; no child maintenance if he moves abroad; CMS to define child maintenance if he stays in the U.K. (technically you don’t need to mention child maintenance here, unless you are filing to adjust it above above CMS); both retain savings of X in your individual accounts.

Once this is agreed and signed off in divorce proceedings - he can’t come back and claim more at a later date. So - you need to move now - file for divorce, get your decree nisi; then file the consent order and get decree absolute. These steps take a bit of processing time - so the faster you move, the better.
First step doesn’t is to file. While it’s getting processed, agree on wording of your agreement - the consent order.

In your case, I’d not try to go after him for child maintenance if he moves abroad - as it’ll be just too difficult and expensive. And won’t work anyway. And I’d use it as a negotiating point - you give up maintenance claim, he signs off his share of the house to you.
He does have a claim to 50% of the house, despite your 75% ownership on paper. So, let’s hope he sticks to what he said he’d do.
If you proceed quickly while he is still feeling guilty - it might work.

trickytimes · 27/01/2022 09:58

Nobody can enforce child maintenance from a country like that. You need a prohibited steps order. Never allow a child to travel to a non Hague country. If he cuts off contact while they are there you will never get them back.

ChoiceMummy · 27/01/2022 10:08

@trickytimes

She hasn't stated its a non Hague country. And you can enforce maintenance in other countries. But is dependent on which country.

Original poster

cato40 · 27/01/2022 11:21

Kids have british and my country of origin's nationality and passports already. My country (one of the big 5 in Europe) doesn't even have a consulate in his country!
Have spoke to reunite and they have been super helpful! Thank you for the advice

OP posts:

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