Ex narcissist new girlfriend causing me hell

[JeyK]

Hey guys,

Just wanted some advice on how to manoeuvre through this situation and would love to hear others input just a bit of background:

I’m 26 have a 16 month old daughter with my abusive narcissistic ex (he’s 34) we were together for three years and separated early last year due to the relationship getting physical. Also he has a 8 year old son who I’d met but a few months back I found out that he fathers ANOTHER 2 even older kids who he never sees. Making me and my daughter his 4th baby and child’s mum.

The relationship was so horrible looking back now, he constantly cheated on me throughout my pregnancy and throughout when he was living with me and our daughter. Just an all round horrible man.. We tried to coparent up until a few months ago where I stopped all contact when he turned up at my property and damaged my car just for switching the day he was meant to see my daughter on that week. It resulted in a very messy court process and a restraining order. He has anger issues and doesn’t see my daughter at all anymore and haven’t heard from him since.

Anyways, I found out about this one particular ‘side chick’ about a year into our relationship, when I did find out about her I ended it with him, at this point I was already pregnant I was very early but I didn’t know hence why I got back with him after I found out and tried to make it work. (I did actually speak to the girl at first and she stated she had only been seeing him for around two months and it was nothing serious) anyways I don’t know why I thought I could trust her but fast forward to about 7 months into my pregnancy.
She was back on the scene AGAIN. This woman is 30, no kids still lives with mum, no job etc. She had slept with my ex again on about 2 occasions before I found out.

I confronted him. He blocked her there and then and left her with no closure. I didn’t leave my ex, stupid I know but I was so trauma bonded at this time he literally had a spell over me I just didn’t have the strength, especially being my first pregnancy I just felt so vulnerable and determined to try and make it work at least until our baby was born.

I got my place about 3 months after my daughter was born and he immediately moved in with me and was literally living off of me not providing 1 penny. He probably loved that I was now isolated because I literally felt trapped & living in fear in my own home with my newborn, whilst he was using my car, my money. it was like having an older son lol. During the time of him living here this same girl used to try and make her presence known to us so bad because she knew that we was in our family unit now. We ignored her but she was such a major trigger for me. Because I could see her character and obviously didn’t trust my ex. I was just constantly paranoid that they were still involved with each other even when they weren’t. There were also others that I found out about but they just came and went. This girl seem to have had fixated herself onto our relationship for some reason.

Since last summer this girl has constantly been stalking my social media I’ve had to block accounts even though she makes several accounts to watch me. I never post my daughter but she started copying my whole lifestyle even down to my appearance. If I ever showed you guys the pictures you would actually be gobsmacked at how this girl has studied and imitated me.
I’m also very intuitive & spiritual and I feel my relationship really forced me to embrace this journey that I’m on. I do post about my spirituality the positive side of growth (not my abuse or trauma). But if you know me then you know what I’ve been through. Including her, and she’s also imitating my spiritual outlook TO A T. Every time we had spoken she always used to mention that she thought I was pretty and that she feels we look similar and have similarities (weirdo). Baring in mind my ex would have sex with anything that breathes 😂 She’s literally like clone robot with zero personality.

Fast forward to now even though she’s been copying me for almost a year, they are now both literally out of sight, out of mind. I didn’t understand why she was copying me so badly up until this day. But last week I had such a strong gut feeling that they were back in each other’s lives, but ignored the thought & carried on.

which brought me to last weekend I saw on a mutual friends socials that they were all out on a double date and she is now back seeing him.

Since then she’s been sending me quotes from various accounts, putting up subliminals etc she even put up a quote about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse basically trying to rub it in my face even though I have a young daughter and I keep myself to myself. I just can’t get my head around how people can be so evil? You basically tried to turn yourself into me..now have the trash man all to yourself!! She knows he doesn’t give a f*ck about her. So why is she so bothered about me!?

I’ve just been turning a blind eye to it but at the same time I am human and I do have raise this man’s child alone. I can’t help but admit that it is getting to me but I really don’t want him back I think it’s just the principle.. i’ve kept it so graceful by not reacting and I also feel like the moment my ex knows it’s triggering me he’s gonna feel back in control when it took me so long to gain my power back. Should I just continue to stay silent or tell her to back off!?

How do you know it’s her following your social media and sending you messages?

You said they’re ‘out of sight, out of mind’, but it doesn’t sound like that. I think you should make your social media more secure and don’t have anything further to go with her.

Lock down your social media accounts so she can't see what you are posting

Shut down your social media

@StruggleStreet because she sending me quotes about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. Who else would do that? Considering the woman has never left me alone. I’ve had to block numerous accounts. New ones get made & it continues.

They are out of sight out of mind tbh I have a whole child to raise. I use my social media to network and also for my job so it’s not as easy to just delete my whole account.

Do you have a job to focus on?
I feel like you'd care less about this nonsense if you had more to concentrate on?

You are giving them both way too much headspace i.e. any!
Just ignore completely and get on with your life. Your preoccupation with them and their relationship is exactly what they want.

@WindowsSmindows I do indeed work part time and I also study interior design so I use social media to network. As well as raising a 16 month old I definitely have a lot to concentrate on.

There's a sinister side to your post. No female solidarity. You fell for a nasty man and had his child -now own the mistake and have a bit more empathy maybe for other women who don't have the ability to see through him either as you havent. It looks like you are still making excuses for him and not over him as you have decided to direct your hate onto her instead of him, which is misplaced.
Have you considered that your ex is more likely to be able to hook women who perhaps have had unconventional lives and maybe had negative experiences growing up, because it sounds like your ex is that bad that a well balanced female would see it from a mile off and keep away.
It's possible this woman is trying to be like you to attract your ex, he may well have compared you to her, hell, he may even be behind her behaviour.
If you were fully over him, maybe you'd find a way to feel lucky you are now out of it and actually realise that he's just moved onto his next victim and is messing with her head now. Be grateful it's no longer you he's toying with, pitty for her might be more appropriate. However, if you feel she is stalking you, and you feel unsafe because of her, then contact the police as that's an offence.
Perhaps some counselling would be of help to you and distancing yourself from it, it may be wise to steer clear of mutual friends of your ex.

@pog100 no you are right I am giving it too much thought, I think I just get in my feelings about it sometimes because this was literally a sore subject for years. I do need to learn to drop it. It’s just difficult when you’re raising a baby alone without much support. Not feeling sorry for myself here because I am so grateful for my life but it just gets to me now and again.

@Opentooffers hey. Far from sinister. This woman has seen me go through pain with this man. On several occasions me and this woman spoke and she always used to say she’s a girls girl & she would never want to be the cause of another woman’s pain and then would still go back to him? Even through my pregnancy? Knowing when she first got with him he was in a relationship and never took her serious?

I know my ex is a piece of shit nobody is denying that, and yes a decent enough woman would know this from the start but like I said I met him when I was 23 with not much experience with this kind of person. I learned about what sort of person he was throughout the relationship and afterwards.

Since then I have moved on with my life in the best way I can and haven’t contacted any of them she is the one going out of her way regardless of what my ex has told her to come and try to terrorise ME. knowing that I have a young baby so who is really the sinister one here? Healing is definitely a process, I may not be completely there yet but there are times when I do get in my feelings about it all. yes I am human.

@Opentooffers also I am very grateful that I am out of the situation and I’m able to reflect and grow from it. I have come so far it’s this woman who is trying to bring me back to this place. Like I said I haven’t even heard from my ex since so it’s nothing to do with him anymore.

Just lockdown your social media. Problem solved.
If you need it for work, set up a work one, and leave out the positive quotes, just have it as an interior design insta/fb.

I really don't get people who keep their socials open for all to see. There's no need.

When you say social media that you need to use for work do you mean LinkedIn?
Report her every time.

From a professional perspective get rid of Facebook and any others. They are unnecessary and also just not good for your mental health (for anyone's really).

I had a similar situation once, and it was awful, but in the end I apologised to the woman for being an asshole to her as I realised she was suffering from mental ill health. When we finally actually talked properly, it all started to ease off.

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea I definitely have had thoughts that she is not mentally well. Normal functioning people don’t do those sorts of things. Unfortunately I’ve spoken to her on the way to many occasions and tbh I’ve always been pretty reasonable. She would always kind of reassure me that she was unaware and would never go back again and then I always find her lingering around somehow. You’ve literally got to leave people in their shit.

@StruggleStreetbecause she sending me quotes about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. Who else would do that?

Him?

@StruggleStreet thought it could be him but he didn’t even know what a narcissist was when I called him one 🤣 he’s not really smart. A part of him would’ve had to accept what he’s done to me in order for him to send me quotes about it. That would include some self reflection, which would be impossible.

Do you realise if he is a narcissist that he would be a narcissist to her too? It's extremely likely that he used narc triangulation tactics which could be why she felt the need to copy you. That's a traumatised woman.

I’m also very intuitive & spiritual and I feel my relationship really forced me to embrace this journey that I’m on. I do post about my spirituality the positive side of growth (not my abuse or trauma). But if you know me then you know what I’ve been through. Including her, and she’s also imitating my spiritual outlook TO A T.

You don't come across like you're that far into the journey, it sounds very surface level going by your post.
I'm on a spiritual journey myself. I've had people come into my life that mirror me. Seeing your life reflected in others can help you to gain a new perspective.
Your own story is traumatic and hers could be just as much, if not more so.

Every time we had spoken she always used to mention that she thought I was pretty and that she feels we look similar and have similarities (weirdo). Baring in mind my ex would have sex with anything that breathes 😂 She’s literally like clone robot with zero personality.
Not a very nice thing to say at all!

Every time we had spoken she always used to mention that she thought I was pretty and that she feels we look similar and have similarities (weirdo). Baring in mind my ex would have sex with anything that breathes 😂 She’s literally like clone robot with zero personality

LThe way you speak about her screams insecurity.
Why are you giving it so much headspace if you're on this new journey?
It's all so petty, he said she said and social media based. You aren't coming across well here.

You do seem rather focused on this, and I hate to say it, maybe jealous? That she’s with him now and you’re not, even though you don’t apparently want him back.

It feels like resentment you’re a single parent and a deep seated jealousy of this woman. Lock down your social media and don’t stalk theirs. This whole “ I had a strong feeling they were back in each other’s lives” is a teller, you’re still thinking about them far too much

You need to try to learn to move on, they can date each other if they wish, if someone’s stalking you lock down your social media.

@TooBigForMyBoots totally agree it could well be him or at the least him encouraging her.

Block and ignore.

[quote JeyK]@StruggleStreet thought it could be him but he didn’t even know what a narcissist was when I called him one 🤣 he’s not really smart. A part of him would’ve had to accept what he’s done to me in order for him to send me quotes about it. That would include some self reflection, which would be impossible.[/quote]
Maybe he has since googled it. Never call a narcissist a narcissist, it gives them fuel to reverse the word on you. Come on now op, that the biggest rule in the book!

They don't need self reflection to attack you. If these accounts are harassing you, report them to the police.

As for her account where she imitates you, you need to remove all accounts that you are unsure of from your friends list and make your page private so that she can't see. Or just stop uploading anything private.

It may be that he uses narcissistic triangulation on her to make her feel that you are her competition and do not measure up. Or it may be that she is the same thing he is, as that's what narcissist women do - pick another woman and steal their identity. Because they do not have one of their own.

Stop sharing your life views with her. If social media is for you work then don't share anything private on it anymore. Yes it sucks but surely that's preferable to this stalker imitating your every move.

I absolutely get how sickening it is op and I suspect ppl who are making you out to be overreacting here, have never been in this situation. It's really incidious and makes you feel like you are under constant surveillance.

But you have to take steps to protect yourself op. Because otherwise its not going to stop.
Also be careful what you share with mutual friends. Or anyone really. Because they will both be listening out and enquiring about you.

Op, I’ve just reread, how do you know what she posts and dresses like? Is it actually you stalking her social media?

Privacy settings! Use them and stop looking at her.

op you're entertaining this, your'e making yourself involved. You fell for a hobosexual, next time don't get with a guy who has n where to live

@Puffflashpuffflashbang @Rosebuud @user1481840227 who are you guys to say I haven’t come far on my spiritual journey? Also, if you are truly on your journey you would know that it is not your place to ever comment on others you haven’t been through anything I’ve been through to tell me that. That man beat me several times whilst my baby was there and during the court process I found out he has a history of domestics towards women. Don’t ever go on like I haven’t been through anything!! This was all part of my journey. It really started once I got away. It doesn’t mean that life still won’t test you in the meantime to see how far you’ve come.

It’s been 4 months since I’ve seen him it’s not exactly years ago. I don’t have a family support system and since my spiritual awakening I saw many other toxic people around me and was forced to cut them off.

Now you could’ve called me insecure before due to the abuse and manipulation. But I’ve worked so hard on that recently to build my confidence and myself back on my own. No therapy. Not many friends whilst raising a daughter alone. So now to see that this girl has come back in the picture and is very much trying to make herself known. How can this not affect me a little????

I’ve noticed a lot of people come on here some to actually provide advice and others just to add their 2p in to make people feel worse. You guys are the 2nd latter. Calling me jealous and insecure. When I’ve literally kept myself to myself and haven’t said a word to anyone. Yes I may have looked at her profile from time to time before, but she would never know that. I haven’t looked for months now but in that time she is CONSTANTLY sending me things from fake accounts. I noticed she was putting up pictures similar to me because one of my friends showed me I did tell her to stop informing me.

I understand he is a narcissist and I got wrapped in his charm, treated like shit, had a baby for him and now I’m on my own. I understand that and I’m not blaming anyone for this. But at the same time I’ve forgiven myself and him in order to move forward. what does that say about your morals if you’re defending someone who is literally rubbing salt in my wounds from my past when I myself am try to move forward with my daughter.

I was traumatised and given PTSD since the situation. This man beat me and emptied a bin on top of me in front of my six month old daughter. I had suffered really bad PTSD from this I can’t get close to anybody since and won’t be for a very long time. So it’s really not as easy to just say drop the situation it was a big part of my life.