Ex narcissist new girlfriend causing me hell

[JeyK]

Hey guys,

Just wanted some advice on how to manoeuvre through this situation and would love to hear others input just a bit of background:

I’m 26 have a 16 month old daughter with my abusive narcissistic ex (he’s 34) we were together for three years and separated early last year due to the relationship getting physical. Also he has a 8 year old son who I’d met but a few months back I found out that he fathers ANOTHER 2 even older kids who he never sees. Making me and my daughter his 4th baby and child’s mum.

The relationship was so horrible looking back now, he constantly cheated on me throughout my pregnancy and throughout when he was living with me and our daughter. Just an all round horrible man.. We tried to coparent up until a few months ago where I stopped all contact when he turned up at my property and damaged my car just for switching the day he was meant to see my daughter on that week. It resulted in a very messy court process and a restraining order. He has anger issues and doesn’t see my daughter at all anymore and haven’t heard from him since.

Anyways, I found out about this one particular ‘side chick’ about a year into our relationship, when I did find out about her I ended it with him, at this point I was already pregnant I was very early but I didn’t know hence why I got back with him after I found out and tried to make it work. (I did actually speak to the girl at first and she stated she had only been seeing him for around two months and it was nothing serious) anyways I don’t know why I thought I could trust her but fast forward to about 7 months into my pregnancy.
She was back on the scene AGAIN. This woman is 30, no kids still lives with mum, no job etc. She had slept with my ex again on about 2 occasions before I found out.

I confronted him. He blocked her there and then and left her with no closure. I didn’t leave my ex, stupid I know but I was so trauma bonded at this time he literally had a spell over me I just didn’t have the strength, especially being my first pregnancy I just felt so vulnerable and determined to try and make it work at least until our baby was born.

I got my place about 3 months after my daughter was born and he immediately moved in with me and was literally living off of me not providing 1 penny. He probably loved that I was now isolated because I literally felt trapped & living in fear in my own home with my newborn, whilst he was using my car, my money. it was like having an older son lol. During the time of him living here this same girl used to try and make her presence known to us so bad because she knew that we was in our family unit now. We ignored her but she was such a major trigger for me. Because I could see her character and obviously didn’t trust my ex. I was just constantly paranoid that they were still involved with each other even when they weren’t. There were also others that I found out about but they just came and went. This girl seem to have had fixated herself onto our relationship for some reason.

Since last summer this girl has constantly been stalking my social media I’ve had to block accounts even though she makes several accounts to watch me. I never post my daughter but she started copying my whole lifestyle even down to my appearance. If I ever showed you guys the pictures you would actually be gobsmacked at how this girl has studied and imitated me.
I’m also very intuitive & spiritual and I feel my relationship really forced me to embrace this journey that I’m on. I do post about my spirituality the positive side of growth (not my abuse or trauma). But if you know me then you know what I’ve been through. Including her, and she’s also imitating my spiritual outlook TO A T. Every time we had spoken she always used to mention that she thought I was pretty and that she feels we look similar and have similarities (weirdo). Baring in mind my ex would have sex with anything that breathes 😂 She’s literally like clone robot with zero personality.

Fast forward to now even though she’s been copying me for almost a year, they are now both literally out of sight, out of mind. I didn’t understand why she was copying me so badly up until this day. But last week I had such a strong gut feeling that they were back in each other’s lives, but ignored the thought & carried on.

which brought me to last weekend I saw on a mutual friends socials that they were all out on a double date and she is now back seeing him.

Since then she’s been sending me quotes from various accounts, putting up subliminals etc she even put up a quote about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse basically trying to rub it in my face even though I have a young daughter and I keep myself to myself. I just can’t get my head around how people can be so evil? You basically tried to turn yourself into me..now have the trash man all to yourself!! She knows he doesn’t give a f*ck about her. So why is she so bothered about me!?

I’ve just been turning a blind eye to it but at the same time I am human and I do have raise this man’s child alone. I can’t help but admit that it is getting to me but I really don’t want him back I think it’s just the principle.. i’ve kept it so graceful by not reacting and I also feel like the moment my ex knows it’s triggering me he’s gonna feel back in control when it took me so long to gain my power back. Should I just continue to stay silent or tell her to back off!?

@Pinkbonbon

Thank you for your uplifting and honest message, Yeah I definitely knew I shouldn’t of called him a narcissist straight after I said it. it’s just I had literally gone crazy at that point and was getting all my trauma off my chest. Literally blew my lid lol.

I definitely get the triangulation thing I’ve been studying narcissism for the past two years so I definitely know the ins and outs and I suspect myself that she is also a narcissist. Which is probably why she’s getting fuel from the situation and trying to get any type of reaction out of me because in the past I’ve always given her a reaction.

But I’ve come to far even though I am expressing how I feel on this forum. In reality I have definitely given them the Greyrock method haven’t responded to anything and just been continuing with my life. But maybe I need to protect my peace even more.

So yeah I’ve decided to make a page especially for my interior I’ll have to start from scratch but I guess it’s necessary at this point. And just try my hardest to keep looking forward.
I’m sure one day I will look back at it all and it won’t affect me!

Thanks again x

@nalabae lol he did have somewhere to live actually it’s just that when I got my place it was much nicer surroundings so he wanted to live with me. I saw it as a start of a family unit but clearly not.

Nothing drives a person to this kind of behaviour more than loving someone and knowing they don't love you back and are with someone else, but they keep stringing you along anyway. "Having" them fully as you did takes the shine off them, they slowly leave their pedestal. But not having them fully, having just a little bit, while they fuel the feeling that if you were a bit better they might want you properly, you just become more and more obsessed and wrapped up in them. She's obsessed with him, she can't stop playing the pick me dance. It's worse because he was never serious with her and was serious with you, not better.

She's not evil, she's spiralling because of how he's messed with her head. This will probably transpire to be a really dark patch in her life You don't have to worry about how she feels and why, though. Just keep ignoring her and blocking any new accounts. Keep focusing on what a twat he is and how lucky you are to be away from him.

Forgive me if I've missed it but is he in your DDs life?

Why do you even care?
You and your DD have NO contact with this man, stop going both of them head room.
If you want to keep social media for networking purposes, change your name on the accounts, (make anagrams, make your initials double “Ffelicity Ppike” that kind of thing, lock it down TIGHT).
Maybe even change your name by deed poll.

@aSofaNearYou hey. Your right but I just feel like she’s always been seeing him in very short intervals so I just don’t get how you can get so wrapped up with someone who hardly gives you time and attention and has always had someone else in the picture. But I’m not even going to try and relate to her mindset it’s impossible for me. Tbh I did feel sorry for her and when we last spoke we kind of left things on a positive note and went our separate ways but obviously I can’t trust her because she’s back.

No he hasn’t seen our daughter for about four months now since her 1st birthday. I’m so grateful for my daughter she’s literally made me into a better person & it’s crazy because she is literally the spitting image of her father no exaggeration. I will admit I sometimes get upset that she is not able to experience a normal relationship with her father. Once the restraining order expires this year if child arrangements are ever put in place again it will have to be through a contact centre etc. But will cross that bridge if I get to it. In the meantime I really need to erase it from my mind. Maybe this shows that I do in fact have some more healing to do x

[quote JeyK]@aSofaNearYou hey. Your right but I just feel like she’s always been seeing him in very short intervals so I just don’t get how you can get so wrapped up with someone who hardly gives you time and attention and has always had someone else in the picture. But I’m not even going to try and relate to her mindset it’s impossible for me. Tbh I did feel sorry for her and when we last spoke we kind of left things on a positive note and went our separate ways but obviously I can’t trust her because she’s back.

No he hasn’t seen our daughter for about four months now since her 1st birthday. I’m so grateful for my daughter she’s literally made me into a better person & it’s crazy because she is literally the spitting image of her father no exaggeration. I will admit I sometimes get upset that she is not able to experience a normal relationship with her father. Once the restraining order expires this year if child arrangements are ever put in place again it will have to be through a contact centre etc. But will cross that bridge if I get to it. In the meantime I really need to erase it from my mind. Maybe this shows that I do in fact have some more healing to do x[/quote]
Well, I'd have never in a million years have said a word to them as this girl has with you, but I do remember going through something similar. I've been in love with/obsessed with someone who gave me nothing more than a slow drip of attention, was dating other girls (always very shirty about this but I wasn't stupid) and more serious about some of them, and honestly, I don't think I've ever been more obsessively invested in anyone. And yes I had a strange, morbid fascination with the girls he liked more than me, too.

If he'd just gone out with her and made her feel like the feelings were mutual, it'd probably be over by now, but she's probably tortured herself with what if's to the point she's in a spiral of obsession and has built him into something he's not.

But yes, absolutely, you do not need to dedicate thought to either of them, especially if he doesn't even have contact with your DD! Just put the two of them out of your mind, they both sound like twats.

I find your post relatable in some ways. I don't know whether narcissist is the right word for my relationship. My boyfriend has an ex that I've struggled to be comfortable with. He wasn't over certain parts of his past that involved her when we met. She dumped him after 8 and a half years. He was to blame in many ways. But she also wasn't perfect. When he met me he had one foot in her life still and was trying to bond with me. It created alot of heartache and confusion. But it also created alot of rows.

The thing is. Your partner may well have destroyed that woman. Made her confused. Wondered why she wasn't enough. You don't know what he was saying to her. You don't know the full story and you never will. These men never completely tell the truth to any party. The reason I'm saying this is is I struggle massively with my boyfriends ex. He put it into my head very early on that she was a part of his life still. He then started to tell me all her Flaws and what he didn't like about her. Every now and then he would tell me she had a text to say hi. Occasionally he would tell me positive stories about their relationship. I ended up thinking so many things. Was he still in love with her? Am I enough? What's so special about her? I ended up going on her Facebook page and trying to work out if he Compares I looks. It was a really strange experience for me because I'm not a Jealous person. But he made me feel so confused. Even though you might think she's stalking you and being weird. Maybe he told her that she look better with curly hair for example. Maybe he told her she's look better in a certain colour jumper. Maybe he told her a brand clothing she should try. These are all things I have said to me and I knew his ex did all these things. He used to say to me me you look nice with your hair in a ponytail. Why don't you ever put your hair in a ponytail? Your face is so pretty you should have it pulled back so I can see your face. 90% of his ex's picture she's got her hair pulled back. Everytime I did put my hair up her name or image would pop into my head. This was emotional abuse probably but he was training me to look a certain way. So I just wanted to say say it could well be that he's put things into her head.

Well he's a narcissist, so he would have love bombed her, filled her head with stories of all his crazy ex girlfriends, she will think the sun shines out his arse but give it time. She will soon realise. He will probably knock her up too.

@Thinkingat3ami totally understand your perspective. Big difference is she had built this obsession of me on her own accord, I think it actually heightened when she wasn’t even in contact with him whatsoever. It’s like her obsession transpired onto me and she was doing anything possible to get my attention. Even going as far as seeing him again just to get the same attention from me as she had gotten previously. Also didn’t mention she’s bisexual. Starting to think it’s not even to do with him now.. because I’m totally out the picture. Yet she still is fixated on me and getting a reaction out of me. Anyways, she won’t be getting one.

@RedFlagsAllOver yeah you know how the cycle goes.. only thing is how many times can a cheating man love bomb you? especially When you guys have gone long stretches/years between contact. I feel like it’s just not consistent enough to be this attached. She’s clearly got low self esteem and possible some other personality disorders in order to be that desperate or needy. Enough time away from the abuser should give a clear head. But who knows

Honestly? Come off social media, it's a flipping nightmare and causes more trouble that it's worth, or you need to lock it down so nobody can find you, message you or add you.

Your allowing her to get into your head, and there.. As I see so often she is living rent free!

Why do you care? He is in your past. So is she.
I think you need to look to the future , not keep perpetuating past dramas by obsessing about them

Big difference is she had built this obsession of me on her own accord, I think it actually heightened when she wasn’t even in contact with him whatsoever. It’s like her obsession transpired onto me and she was doing anything possible to get my attention. Even going as far as seeing him again just to get the same attention from me as she had gotten previously. Also didn’t mention she’s bisexual. Starting to think it’s not even to do with him now.. because I’m totally out the picture. Yet she still is fixated on me and getting a reaction out of me. Anyways, she won’t be getting one.

Wow!
You do not know that it was built on her own accord.
She's with a narcissist and her behaviour would be in line with the possible trauma that a narc can inflict but you just won't accept that. Now she fancies you

yeah you know how the cycle goes.. only thing is how many times can a cheating man love bomb you? especially When you guys have gone long stretches/years between contact. I feel like it’s just not consistent enough to be this attached. She’s clearly got low self esteem and possible some other personality disorders in order to be that desperate or needy.

They can do it 50 times, 100 times, infinite times, it can last a lifetime.
Doesn't need to be 'consistent' enough , if a traumatised person hasn't healed enough then they can get sucked right back into the same cycle even if a year has gone by, all the trauma bonds are reactivated etc.

For someone who has been studying narcs for 2 years you really don't seem to have learned that much about them, you would need to study the victims stories too, not just think you know it all because you had experience with one, different people have different stories.

@user1481840227 tbh you don’t know anything. I’m just briefly explain a situation that has been ongoing for the past three years. I haven’t explained all the ins and outs as to why I think this way and I won’t begin to. You have your opinion, I have mine but then there is also the truth. Good day to you love ✌️

@user1481840227 every single comment you’ve written on this thread has been negative. I can tell you’re not a positive person. Maybe work on that before you try and give advice to others 😘

@JeyK

You're completely wrong!
Save your thread and re-read it in a year or 2 and you'll see why people say the things they have said! You don't want to hear anything except for people agreeing with you and that's not helpful to you but perhaps it's all you can deal with right now.

It is extremely rare that someone putting up with drama from the OW ever receives any negativity on here so you need to realise that it's because of the things you are saying.

Contact the police? It’s harassment isn’t it?

You ask why is she so obsessed with you but why are you so obsessed with her too?
Ex is no longer in your life and this poor woman seems to have him now so you should have nothing but pity for her.

Whatever you say op. You're as obsessed with her as she is you, good luck on the rest of your "spiritual journey". Maybe in a few years time you will realise that some of what you have written is beyond immature.

is this via Instagram OP? have a look at their messaging and privacy settings to try and stop some of the noise coming through. Insta has started doing this thing where if you block someone it says you’ll be blocking that account and any other accounts that the person creates. how true that is i don’t know but worth a try?

A old post I'm aware of I'm in awww that no one responded to this comment..It's very rude unless you have been thru trauma especially narcissistic trauma YOU do not ever blame the original victim in my case the mistress is a narcissist too..Something people go thru they wouldn't wish on their worst enemies I would be ashamed blaming the original poster

You're stalking each other because you wouldn't know about her quotes unless you went on her profile

This man has been an issue for you get rid of the issue let him have this girl, you will be better off or waste the rest of your 20s on a loser who will end of leaving u

My first thought was it'll be him, especially if there's lots of different accounts. And low and behold there is. So yeah I'd bet my ass it's him.

That being said you never know. They could both be in it together.

Also, there's nothing more creepy that narcissist women stealing your identity. People giving you grief for letting it bother you have never been in your shoes. It's so insidious. I mean there's a film called 'single white female' that depicts these sort of women well.

Don't be tempted to respond. Also if you can, don't post anything too personal in public places.

It's nice that you're finding a spiritual side in life. Too few people get the chance to explore these things. But maybe try to keep your journey more private. You don't need other people's approval to validate your journey.