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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missing my parents being as they used to be...

46 replies

scooterbear · 26/01/2022 14:45

Fair to say I'm having a hard time of it at the minute. Since December 2nd I have had a 12 week miscarriage, broken my arm (Still in plaster), my younger daughter got assaulted, (it was awful, they arrested a man but all the police stuff has been horrific and she is not in a good place), I got Covid (and was really poorly with it), and I have as a result of the above been placed on performance management at work. Two weeks ago it emerged that my DP has been lying to me about something important and to top it all off his ex wife has announced she will be moving my step DD's a long way away from us-which has not done any of us any good in terms if stress and upset. It's been alot and tbh I feel very low.

My mum and dad are very elderly. They know about all of the above but they can't respond as they maybe once would have. They are deaf and can't hear what I'm saying half the time, they can't give practical help, they can't even with ease come and visit (they live 200 miles away). They just don't really respond to things as they once would have been able to even just in terms of advice. It's not their fault at all. I love them and I know they would help if they could. It's just their age.
I can't talk to anyone about all of this in real life. I just want my mum an dad really. But as they used to be when they could help or offer some comfort.
Does anyone else have this? That sort of feeling of missing their parents even whilst they are still around but not quite what they were?
I know I'm lucky to still have them. I just feel so on my own

OP posts:

Bagamoyo1 · 26/01/2022 14:59

I know what you mean. My Mum is elderly, getting more frail, and her mind and body just aren't what they used to be. She used to be incredibly clever, but now I have to talk loudly and clearly to her, using very simple words, or she just can't hear or follow the conversation at all. It makes me sad to think that my bright dynamic Mum is disappearing before my eyes. She doesn't like it either, I can tell. Old age is hard.

StillWalking · 26/01/2022 15:11

Firstly sending a huge hug and some ... all of this bad stuff will pass in time and you will get to a better place.

I totally understand how you feel. My dear mum passed away 14 years ago and I'm in my 60's now, but I miss her every single day because my own life is getting difficult too for various reasons - DH's health, issues with the house and other stuff. I would dearly love to step back in time to hear some warm words of advice in her strong, sensible, empathetic voice and have a nice cup of her "special" tea to help me through the not so good stuff.

whatshouldIdoo · 26/01/2022 15:15

Yes I was thinking this just last night. I miss that feeling of support that comes from a parent. My mum is such a worrier now she is older that I don't talk to her about my own concerns as it would be too much for her. I miss it though

Traumdeuter · 26/01/2022 15:17

I get this too. for you.

Cameleongirl · 26/01/2022 15:21

I completely understand what you're saying. My Mum died many years ago, when I was in my 20's and my Dad is now elderly with health issues. Sometimes you really want to talk things over with your parents and you just can't anymore, because it's too much for them - they'll worry and not be able to do anything. You say that you can't discuss things with anyone IRL, but I wouldn't discount talking to a close friend, it's not unreasonable to unburden yourself when you're having a tough time (what I mean is, it's not as if you're constantly moaning, this is a particularly difficult time). I turn to close friends when I'm having a tough time and they do to me. I'm so sorry for what's happened.

Cameleongirl · 26/01/2022 15:23

@whatshouldIdoo

Yes, @whatshouldIdoo, that's exactly how it is with my Dad, he'd worry excessively and get stressed, which wouldn't help his health issues. We have to protect them now, instead of vice versa!

Batfinkwings · 26/01/2022 15:25

I can relate to this. My parents aren't even that old, they're mid 70's.
My Dad had a stroke a few years back and is not quite the same cognitively and his mobility has been impaired so we can't "do" much with them any more as he can't walk far. They just want to stay in their house or visit us and stay in ours. I find them hard work.
My mum has changed since my Dad has had his issues, and maybe just with age.

I find myself getting irritated by my Mum repeating the same stories (which were not interesting in the first place) multiple times. She also minimises anything I am upset or annoyed about and is very dismissive about any worries I may have, whereas she will go on and on about the smallest thing which has irritated her. She also comes out with racist comments every now and then, which I try to tackle. However, I don't want to spoil the time we spend together so I find that tricky to deal with.
My Dad loses his temper so much easier than he used to. He used to be so calm. And his short term memory is bad so he will ask the same questions a few times within an hour.

You are not alone OP. Quite a few of my friends have confided that they feel a similar way. A couple of friends have told me that they find their parents very bitter and negative as they have got older. For example not having a nice thing to say about something that should be positive, like a new house. I console myself that at least mine aren't like that.

I feel terrible that I find them annoying. I used to enjoy spending time with them, but I don't look forward to seeing them now.
I really relate to what you say about missing the younger version of your parents. I would love to have the dynamic parents I had 10-15 years ago back. I still love them but our relationship has changed a lot. Getting older is tough.

Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2022 15:28

I miss my fun, witty, vibrant, energetic Mum
Now all conversation revolves around how Ill she’s been, what docs appointments are coming up, which ones she’s had, what she can’t do anymore etc etc.
I have nothing but sympathy for her, she must miss her old self as well. Her and sdad had a great life and enjoyed going out for meals and travelling but she is in a wheelchair so is very limited and sdad just wants to sleep all day.
Like other people I can no longer ask her for any practical or emotional support either, although Thank God she was there in the baby years. I also feel that while DD did get time with her by the time DS arrived my mum was already starting to fail a bit and he has only seen her poorly and not seen the woman she was

Cameleongirl · 26/01/2022 15:28

She also minimises anything I am upset or annoyed about and is very dismissive about any worries I may have

@Batfinkwings I personally think it's because they can't cope with other people's problems anymore. My IL's are like this, they can't take bad news/problems, they can only hear good things! I don't really blame them, tbh, they're early 80's and shouldn't have to deal with other people's problems at this point in their lives. We only tell them the good stuff!

Batfinkwings · 26/01/2022 15:42

@Cameleongirl Yes, this is what my DH says. He thinks it's my Mum's way of kind of putting her fingers in her ears and saying "lalala" and enabling herself to ignore anyone else's worries.

Foolsrule · 26/01/2022 15:47

I totally hear you. Do you have siblings? I think that sometimes, I rely on one of mine for this kind of support and they rely on me in the same way. If not siblings, a good friend? It’s very hard though, especially when you know that 20 years ago they’d have been there in a flash to help out. Now if mine ‘help out’, sadly it’s more trouble than it’s worth with the negativity, the constant changes to plans, their little foibles, their inability to stay away from home (just don’t want to)… So hard.

Garysmum · 26/01/2022 15:52

Just wanted to send hugs. You have been through a really really rough time recently and it's amazing you're still thinking of everyone's needs in your family.

My mum died years ago but there are many times when I find myself saying "I want my mum" like a child. It's a natural instinctive reaction for me.

I am lucky as I have a sister - we are not in regular contact - it's all over the place. But when I need to call her, I can and vice versa.

Alcemeg · 26/01/2022 16:06

Awww OP you've had a bit of a rollercoaster ride hey.

I think what I miss, on top of wanting my parents as they once were, is to return to a world where the horizon was not clouded at all by aging and illness. It all gets a bit complicated as time goes on, and not in a good way.

forlornlorna · 26/01/2022 16:07

Oh gosh OP that's a lot to deal with!

My in laws are elderly now and my mil is the mom I never had. It does feel quite sad to know I can't confide in her the way I used to and she's helped me emotionally and physically so much in the past. But I feel it's time to let her live in ignorant bliss and not burden my problems on her. She gets herself in a right tizz over something as daft as something missing in her online shopping these days.

I hope when I'm older my kids do the same for me. Very few years in life where we can be worry free (if ever)

Take care of yourself OP one day at a time best of luck

rooarsome · 26/01/2022 16:07

My parents are still young- early 60s. My dad however is on palliative care and my mum is his full time carer.
I drove past a lay-by today which I broke down in once and who did I call to rescue me? My dad. It struck me how much I relied on them and now I have to be the strong one and be there for them throughout my dad's last illness.

Badbaddog · 26/01/2022 16:08

You have my sympathy OP, it’s so tough when you get to the age where your parents are frail. You miss them. I’m nearly 60 and am the last of my school and university friends to still have a parent (my DF). He is amazing but fading fast. I feel both a light and a key support are dying away. So in my group of old friends, who all knew each other’s parents, we now effectively parent each other. They are a great comfort. Is that a situation you can build with friends and/or siblings?

Livandme · 26/01/2022 16:10

I totally understand op and I am now in the parent role to my dm. It's very hard as I don't have a partner or other support and I feel like I shoulder it all alone. I worry about her health and feel guilty I can do things that she no longer can.

That said, she is quite positive for herself but I don't burden her with my woes

Look after yourself op.

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 26/01/2022 16:20

You've had so much to deal with recently . I too feel the loss of my parents keenly. DM was such a positive person (it did use to irritate me sometimes as I'm more of a worrier in advance!) but she was a practical "let's talk and come up with some options" person. I miss her as much as a sounding board as for her hugs

NoTvNoWifi · 26/01/2022 16:25

Scooterbear, I’m so sorry to hear everything you have been through and how you are missing your parents’ support. Your post has struck a chord. I have just recently started counselling over my own deep sadness about my ageing parents and the feeling of turning tables and time passing. It’s just the security parents quietly gave. Like you I recognise how lucky I am to even have my parents unlike many of my friends. I would second talking it through with others as you are doing here. Sorry I have not much to offer. Hopefully you see you are not alone x

FlouncingBabooshka · 26/01/2022 16:36

Another one here who can totally relate to how you’re feeling.

I lost both my parents a few years ago now but felt just as you do. My dad had dementia but even before he developed it I had started to miss how he and mum had been just a few years before. It’s sad knowing you’ll never spend time with that version of your parents again. I know whenever I went a week or more without seeing them they would revert in my head to being how they were a decade or so before and it would always give me a little jolt when I saw them in person as they actually were.

Now of course they are no longer with us and I just miss them full stop.

I don’t have children and I’ve often wondered if parents have the reverse feeling - desperately missing their now adult child as they were at a younger age?

On a more general note, I’m very sorry you’ve had such a horrible time lately OP. It all sounds awful so it’s no wonder you feel the way you do. I hope things get better for you soon.

HairyScaryMonster · 26/01/2022 16:53

Yes, so much! My dad is 78, very deaf and massive anxiety. Hard to communicate and step mother made it clear we're not to worry him.

DemelzaandRoss · 26/01/2022 16:54

I understand too. If you have always had a good, close relationship with your parents it is quite devestating to see them becoming old & needy. They become focused with their own issue of just getting through each day, staying alive & all the arduous tasks relating to old age. Roles are reversed & you then become the Mum & Dad.
This means of course that those people, previously your ‘rocks’ are unable to give the same love, advice & reassurance you have known all your life. It is extremely hard.
You have been through enormous stress and trauma recently. All things must pass & eventually your life will settle down again. Allow yourself & family to heal. Sadly it will be without that extra boost where your parents will listen, offer help & tell you ‘every thing will be alright.’
After a while you will accept the changed situation, but it still hurts. In a way it is possibly a way of becoming more receptive to the inevitable parting, which will occur.
A big emptiness for a long time.
I do understand that not all children have such a close, supportive set of parents. They would probably wish they had, & suffer in their own way. I hope my observations haven’t made you more depressed, but I do wish you well & hope your life will gradually improve.

hellcatspangle · 26/01/2022 17:19

There comes a point when you gradually switch places, and instead of them being the carer and protector, it becomes you.

It's tough, especially when times are hard and you need someone to lean on. Have you got friends or other family you could talk to?

rookiemere · 26/01/2022 17:41

I feel for you OP.

I reached a stage with my DM when I realised that she'd changed from my lovely supportive DM and reached a different stage in her life where she wasn't so interested or aware about what I or DS were up to. It is difficult especially when I would love some support, but I know that I'll probably be like that one day as well so try to be as kind as I can.
I'm surprised this thread hasn't been taken down already, there will doubtless be loads of posters rushing on to say how their DGM/DM is the same as they've always been and discussing this is agist.

ToddlerMumma · 26/01/2022 18:10

I really remember about 10yrs ago that I felt more like the parent and our dynamic totally changed. It's a strange feeling. But normal I think.

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