Missing my parents being as they used to be...

[scooterbear]

Fair to say I'm having a hard time of it at the minute. Since December 2nd I have had a 12 week miscarriage, broken my arm (Still in plaster), my younger daughter got assaulted, (it was awful, they arrested a man but all the police stuff has been horrific and she is not in a good place), I got Covid (and was really poorly with it), and I have as a result of the above been placed on performance management at work. Two weeks ago it emerged that my DP has been lying to me about something important and to top it all off his ex wife has announced she will be moving my step DD's a long way away from us-which has not done any of us any good in terms if stress and upset. It's been alot and tbh I feel very low.

My mum and dad are very elderly. They know about all of the above but they can't respond as they maybe once would have. They are deaf and can't hear what I'm saying half the time, they can't give practical help, they can't even with ease come and visit (they live 200 miles away). They just don't really respond to things as they once would have been able to even just in terms of advice. It's not their fault at all. I love them and I know they would help if they could. It's just their age.
I can't talk to anyone about all of this in real life. I just want my mum an dad really. But as they used to be when they could help or offer some comfort.
Does anyone else have this? That sort of feeling of missing their parents even whilst they are still around but not quite what they were?
I know I'm lucky to still have them. I just feel so on my own

Thanks all. I know it's a natural thing and I'd sort of accepted it. It's just got to me all of a sudden as I'm in a bit of strife I suppose.
I've got some good friends and they kind of each separately know bits of what's going on but not all of it just because it's a lot and I don't want to overburden people.

Thankyou all for replying x

I completely get it. My mum is 84 with the beginnings of Alzheimer’s. I miss our days out and shopping trips, the art classes we did together, her visits to my house. Most of all, I think, I miss her bring independent and being able to go out and play bowls or meet up with friends or go on holiday so that she wasn’t stuck at home alone.

I wish I had known, twenty years ago, that it would be like this. I would have been so much more appreciative of them. I jst thought my life would go on like this forever. I look at photos of us all together - my parents are the age we are now - and it breaks my heart.

Yes my mum has advanced dementia, she was my rock and we chatted at least twice a day, I miss her beyond measure even though she is still here physically.

I feel you op.

I lost my Mum at 56 and, whilst only in his 60's, my Dad has since been diagnosed with 2 degenerative conditions that have massively impacted his life. I don't think that I'll ever stop grieving for all the good times that our family have missed out on.

I became close to my mum in the last year of her life. She had cancer but was expected to have a good 5-10 years. She lived just short of a year. I bizarrely miss the relationship I could have had with her but didn't in the years preceeding it. I thought it was just how we were but it turns out we could have had a much better relationship but were both to 'awkward' to manage it until her illness broke down the barriers. But I took on a much greater 'parenting of her' role in that time. Since she died i have pretty much parented my dad and like many of you, it is very focused on his worries, anger, and health. Very little support for me. Its lonely.

I was orphaned in my early twenties, and I miss both my parents as they were when I was a child but also how my Mom was before she was ill, I only got a year or two to relate to her as an adult and I feel like I have a lot more to say to her now. More to tell, I feel like maybe we could have had a good time together at this point and it would have been nice if my children had known her, instead they get DH’s mum as Granny. Who is nice, but a very different type of Granny.

But yes once terminal illness is in the house you have to switch to protect that person, no matter how old you are or how you feel about it and I suppose old age is a terminal condition for us all.

So sorry OP

I understand, my dad has changed from being really sharp and vital to a slightly confused old man who does not laugh at the same things any more and can’t even walk to the kitchen without a mobility aid. He is also quicker to anger-he never got angry at all until a few years ago. Sometimes he is like he used to be, but it takes him days to recover. I am envious of pals whose parents are the same age but have not had the health problems and still live life as they did twenty years ago. My dads health problems have had a knock on effect on my mum who has always been known to wallow in the anxiety and with the extra stress and my dad being unable to take the piss out of her funny ways she has really dived into it and as a result they both live very small lives. Though strangely with age my mum is more understanding and pleasant, so that is a positive.

Gosh yes, I cna relate.
I lost my dad two years ago. My fantastically clever and lovely mother is now 82 with very poor eyesight (she was supposed to have an op in 2020 but it didn;t happen because of Covid) and her memory is declining. My life is falling apart at the moment. I have absolutely no-one to talk to and am in real trouble.

I would always have gone to her, but she can't even remember a full conversation from 24 hours ago. She is still completely independent, still fiercely intelligent and kind, but I wish I had her back even as she was at 75. It's heartbreaking.

Lots of love @Kelly7889 and to everyone that's struggling x it's a horrible feeling -like being in a little boat on a rough sea without an anchor. Or without even any bloody oars in my case at the minute.

Sending the hugs to everyone that needs them and just wants their mum or dad x

I can relate to many things on this thread, Mum is 90 now, in a lot of pain, and worries to distraction about everything. Even as simple a thing as a letter that is not even late.

As a result I only tell her the good things and try to make conversations as fun and positive as I can. She now thinks that my life is a bed of roses with everything going swimmingly, it is a lonely feeling. My sister on the other hand, tells her all her woes and troubles regardless. I am considered the lucky one, I often think, if only they knew.

I can completely relate to this thread.

I’ve been feeling this for a while, heightened since Christmas, and couldn’t put my finger on what or why I felt like I did.

I used to love dm coming to stay as it was nice to have some company and she was an easy guest. She lives the other end of the country on her own. Df died when I was a child. We’d get out and do things with the dcs etc and she’d be helpful in the house. She was always a glass half full person.

Fast forward to the last year or so, and not getting together as often due to lockdown, and everything seems much harder. She’s less easy to entertain, doesn’t seem to want to go anywhere or do anything, complains about more things and is hugely negative.

I can relate to the poster who said their dm minimises their worries and seems disinterested, while talking endlessly about her own, like people parking on the public road outside her house and why no younger people go to church any more.

It’s like she suddenly disapproves of us even though we are doing the same things we always have!

I’m not sure if it’s lockdown or just getting older, but she’s only mid 70s and pretty fit really.

Like op I feel bad about feeling this way.

My DM is in her mid 80s and was so ill last year I thought we were going to lose her, because I was having to care for her I suppose I began to become the parent. Fast forward to now and our immediate family are facing the most distressing situation we have ever had to face and she is my mother, strong, wise and having to guide my DB through areas only they share.
Talk to them, maybe use FaceTime and ear plugs to help them hear, they may still be able to help you like they used to.

My parents have both passed on; but I'd lost both them long before hand.

My father had had a a bad stroke and lost his speech and became very depressed. He detached himself from everyone and everything so much that "he" had gone before he did.

My mother had severe depression after that but physical illness prevented her from doing so much as well.

I miss them so much but its the "real" people that I miss.
Growing up is hard

I recognize much of what's being said here. My relationship with my mother (which wasn't always that close but also not bad) has now basically reverted to me being the adult and her not. The thing I miss the most is being able to talk through a difficult situation and I feel I simply can't do that as a. she'd just get stressed; b. she probably wouldn't understand it, and c. any advice would be scattergun at best. My father died a few years back and was rational more or less to the end, but he's no longer around to help out either.

For example, a few weeks ago, she told me she wanted to come to visit (we live in Germany) but was struggling to book the train. She's booked and travelled that journey several times before. I had to talk her through it and say it was OK to take her time, read everything first, and, if she wasn't sure about something, pause the booking process, think about it, and come back to it the next day. Or just book flights. She managed to book the train in the end and it all worked just fine, but I really wasn't expecting her to find it that difficult. She was actually crying on the other end of the phone.

I sometimes wonder why I still feel able to leave her in charge of our 3-year-old for a prolonged period of time (like 2-3h). In fairness to her, nothing bad happened to either of them yet, although we may be approaching the time when this is no longer an option. My mother is 74 and still lives independently.

I read all these with complete sympathy. We noticed something was wrong with my mum last summer, but had confirmation this Xmas, she can no longer follow a recipy, plan and organise. She thinks we have changed her house round, that it isn´t her house. It breaks my heart. Last night was a good one, i was able to chat to her like normal, it was almost like the past. We think she has the first signs of Alzheimers. Her short memory is shite. She can´t remember where she was or with whom. She was this brisk, confident, loving, bright efficient woman. What breaks my heart is that one day, I will be a stranger to her.

It’s so sad isn’t it ☹️
I can completely relate to what you are saying. Dad is now in a care home, as he’s got dementia. Mum is on her own and now has a recent heart diagnosis.
Im going through the menopause so feeling crap, kids grown up with mainly their own lives.
It does make me feel sad so I’d better leave this thread now.

I thought this today as I drove away from my parents house so I can really relate. They are in 80’s now and thankfully pretty healthy. but so much has changed now they are older… but i guess it comes to us all.

OP hope you have some good friends to support you.

Hi op it is difficult. My mother is 80s negative negative. I feel drained from it all. I do more for me now as otherwise we run ragged. Its never oh how are you ...

It is hard when you realise the relationship has shifted and you are now in the parent role. My mum was ill and in a care home for several years before she died, so we did not have the same relationship as we had before due to her dementia. It was very hard.

PIL are still alive and in fairly good health for their age (70s), but I’ve noticed changes in them over the past five years or so. They seem very uninterested in our lives, and their world seems to have got quite narrow. For example, if we are telling them about something (plans for school holidays, say), they’ll respond briefly to what we say, but then just go back to talking about some issue in the village where they live (parking, the chip shop van changing the times it’s there, etc). It’s like they don’t really take it in?

We had already stopped sharing any big worries or problems with them, as they had started to get overly concerned and anxious (when previously they could be relied on for advice and sympathy), but it’s sad to see that they seem to be losing interest in even the nicer news.