If men became the primary carer by default

[outbutnotoutout]

If men became the primary carer of the children by default, like 90% of the women do, would this quash their need to screw around elsewhere?
I see so many times that the excuse for an affair was, ‘they were bored’, felt trapped by the family’, ‘they want to go out and have some fun’. I’m sure you can add more to the list.
And then they just bugger off to ‘start a new life’ with the OW, if they had to take the children with them as well, if they were the ones who then had the children the higher % of the time, who had to juggle childcare, their work, life outside the family would they think about swanning off with the OW?

Also these men who go from woman to woman having children, then move on without having to pay for them or provide care for them.
Why are women, mostly, always the primary carer?

(Just as a story on the side, I knew a man whose wife had told him, if he ever had an affair he would be the primary carer for the children and she would have them on weekends and half holidays. It sure focused his mind somewhat)

@forlornlorna I love your sister haha

If heterosexual men cheat more than women who are they cheating with?

@forlornlorna

Love this!

I think default 50/50 would at least make men think twice.

There are lots of other good sides to 50/50 - less disney dadding, less dads guilt for new partner to deal with ect

The imbalance starts long before the relationship breaks down though. Society assumes women are the default care-givers, women are more likely to have low-paid or part-time jobs to fit around children and do the domestic stuff. Women have longer maternity leave, many mothers breastfeed, and so on. If a man is not being responsible and sharing the weight of parenting when the couple are together, then he is not so likely to share it afterwards.
It is all very well saying the woman should pack a bag and leave the man to it if he has an affair, but my DD was a baby when I found out about OW. A breastfed baby. So of course I was not going to pack a bag and leave. I would have had to take DD with me and then, why should I have left the house?
And while many men do step up and look after their own children, many more simply find another woman to share/take on the load.

@outbutnotoutout

My actual question, was really, would men be less likely to stray if they thought the responsibility for the children, home life defaulted to them if they were unfaithful?

I think you're overthinking this OP. If you are worried about men straying, then the simple thing to do is to choose a man who won't cheat (or one who is extremely unlikely to cheat).

[quote greasyshoes]@outbutnotoutout

My actual question, was really, would men be less likely to stray if they thought the responsibility for the children, home life defaulted to them if they were unfaithful?

I think you're overthinking this OP. If you are worried about men straying, then the simple thing to do is to choose a man who won't cheat (or one who is extremely unlikely to cheat).[/quote]
Honestly, people who cheat on their partners do not think about this stuff at all. They predominantly just think that they're not going to get caught, because if they thought about the fallout, they probably wouldn't cheat at all. You wouldn't think about having a bad crash every time you got behind the wheel of a car.

If blokes did think about it in the way you're describing, I'm pretty sure the current typical scenario of them getting chucked out of the family home, getting less than half the assets and having to pay maintenance for kids they barely get any meaningful contact with, would put them off more than the opposite. The fact that most divorces are instigated by women and not men, suggests it's more men that try to keep a failing marriage afloat (cheating or no cheating involved), whereas women will call it quits more easily.

[quote greasyshoes]@outbutnotoutout

My actual question, was really, would men be less likely to stray if they thought the responsibility for the children, home life defaulted to them if they were unfaithful?

I think you're overthinking this OP. If you are worried about men straying, then the simple thing to do is to choose a man who won't cheat (or one who is extremely unlikely to cheat).[/quote]
How do you choose a man who wouldn’t cheat?

@CayrolBaaaskin

If heterosexual men cheat more than women who are they cheating with?

Oh my god! That's such an amazing gotcha!!! Let's see if I can solve it. Yes I can. They're cheating with single/unattached women.

And prostitutes.

@TossaCointoYerWitcha

Possibly. Maybe this helps explain the fact younger millenial men, influenced by feminism and enabled by workplaces that allow them to contribute more to caregiving are actually less likely to cheat than millenial women, according to recent studies: www.pulse.ng/lifestyle/relationships-weddings/why-are-millennial-women-cheating-more-than-men/vrwb8c1

Only by 1% mind, so personally think it shows screwing around is more a personality issue than a gender one - one theory is women of similar ages in previous generations didn't cheat as much as men because of lack of opportunity (i.e. they were stuck at home, didn't have careers and there was much more judgement about being a "good" wife) as opposed to there being any genetic basis.

18 year olds aren't millennials, they're gen z. I think it's probably age rather than generational differences.

@forlornlorna

Lol I'll tell you about my sister who found out her dh was having an affair. They have 3 lovely kids. Hard work. She did all the childcare and worked a demanding job. He had hobbies and time out. She was always knackered...sure you've heard it all before eh.

Anyway shit hits the fan and he admits he's been seeing someone else, he's not attracted to dsis anymore, has been feeling depressed, not prioritised blah blah fucking blah. The usual script. She asks if he wants to split and he says yes. So she went and packed a bag and left.

He was dumbfounded, he honestly thought he'd swan off with his new gf with no kids or responsibility and he could leave her to pick up the slack and start again.

She started off seeing the boys weekends till she was properly on her feet (she was suffering from exhaustion) then asked for 50/50. He was like no no just come home you can be resident parent I'll leave the house. Nope she stuck to her guns, rented a house, took the kids 3.5 days a week.

New gf didn't take well to the situation and they split pretty quickly. He soon realised how bloody hard it is bringing up 3 kids, working full time and running a house. Massively regrets everything.

I was worried about how the kids would be effected by my dsis leaving because I think we just assume moms the one who's the constant. My dsis was suffering with her mental health at the time due to things he'd done and being left to cope alone. The kids are doing ok.

This is one of the best things I have read

I think the interesting thing about the first story of the sister packing her bags is that it really illustrates what the OP is saying / asking.
People assume that the kids (and wife) will be damaged by the woman leaving, when in fact so many children are fucked up by Dad fucking off / introduction of new GF / stepmum.

@forlornlorna Your sis is amazing.
The problem with men automatically getting 50/50 is that some men abuse it and still expect their partner to buy and provide all clothing, get all things like water bottles or lunchboxes and simply refuse to do it themselves. So they continue to get away without parenting. I read a lot on here like that. What should happen is the men are then reported for poor parenting but you'd be going around in circles when the mother ends back up with the dc.

Of course men are capable but if you look at statistics it's mainly men who get away without paying or looking after their dc as a majority, although sometimes that's regardless if they've split up or are still married!

Honestly, people who cheat on their partners do not think about this stuff at all. They predominantly just think that they're not going to get caught, because if they thought about the fallout, they probably wouldn't cheat at all. You wouldn't think about having a bad crash every time you got behind the wheel of a car.

I think this is the key point, just look at this forum, you often get thread from women in the 40’s and 50’s who are cheating, kids are a bit older don’t need full time parenting, boring husband, they go back to work get some attention..

'People who cheat will cheat no matter what'

I kind of think it's the above plus - if they have the opportunity to. People men are only as faithful as their options.

When my ex and I were married he was essentially the wohp and I the sahp. He had the opportunity all day every day to cheat. And he did. (Thankfully!) I had the children all the time so no opportunity whatsoever to cheat (and no time to think about it either).

If childcare/housework was more equal before the cheating happens, it might be less likely to.

😂😂😂 at your last sentence @altmember

Lol at the idea that a marriage ending because the man had an affair is the fault of the wife throwing in the towel too easily. Or...he could have not cheated and worked on his marriage instead.

@Heatherjayne1972

I’m not sure I know someone ( mum) who left the kids and the dad didn’t step up Social services got involved and mum came back

I know millions of families where dad fucked off, mum wasn't able to cope and social services got involved. Then the kids had to go into care because no one bothered to ask dad to come back.

My ex husband took residence of our daughter. Still continues to sleep around and sew his wild oats whilst caring for her leaving her to fend for herself so I'm not convinced it would be the case.

I'm not sure men would step up, they are more likely to find a woman, often without children, to help them. It's the main complaint of new partners of divorced men, that the men are looking for a replacement to take on childcare and household duties.

@Heatherjayne1972

I’m not sure I know someone ( mum) who left the kids and the dad didn’t step up Social services got involved and mum came back

My mother walked away leaving us 3 kids with my dad after she discovered his affair and never contacted us again. I was 6 years old with 2 younger sisters. The ow wasn't happy about this so he rang social services to come and take us away. They took us, contacted our mother who said she didn't want us either so we ended up in care for the rest of our childhood. I've recently found my mother who said she didn't know we were in care but it wouldn't have made any difference because her new husband didn't want children in his house

The fact that most divorces are instigated by women and not men, suggests it's more men that try to keep a failing marriage afloat (cheating or no cheating involved), whereas women will call it quits more easily.

Well no, it suggests that men wear women down until they can't take it any more. You know that staying married to someone and participating in a relationship and family life don't always coexist? Women file for divorce from men who are using them as a second mammy and to provide a home while they take advantage.

@Adatwistscientist The range researched is 18 to 29 though, not just 18 so will include a lot of women with children. Also comparisons were made with other generations at the same age and this is a shift that’s moving in tandem with the people who admit it - ie. 18-29 boomer men and women admitted cheating in similar percentages to 60+ boomer men and women today (men being a way higher percentage, natch).

So this suggests either those boomer women actually were cheating just as much as boomer men but didn’t admit it. Or there’s been a societal shift.

It’s possible an increased percentage of men currently aged 18-29 cheating will outpace women in ten years time and buck the trend, but currently that’d be pure speculation. Anecdotally, the women I’ve known who’ve had affairs all tend to be in their late thirties.

Oh without a doubt there would be far less affairs and men wanting to break up!

But I have to say as a woman I knew I would get to keep my kids with me when I split with my ex and if I didn't know that for certain then I would probably have never had the balls to end the relationship!

Then men seem to get a new girlfriend very quickly so they can help with any contact time. Surprised so many women fall for that situation and then come on here when they realise they are being used.

I think fewer men would decide to have children in the first place.