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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think if your DP said this?

68 replies

whatth · 25/01/2022 10:27

This morning my DP said "you'll be laughing on the other side of your fave in a minute if you keep laughing at me".

Context is argument where he brought up something that he knew would upset me and I sort of laughed about it because I was angry. I shouldn't have laughed.

It didn't feel great.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 25/01/2022 11:23

If he was threatening me with physical violence like this? I would be in a police station and he would be out on his arse. He knows what he is doing.

girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 11:28

@Flowers500

If he was threatening me with physical violence like this? I would be in a police station and he would be out on his arse. He knows what he is doing.
The police won't do anything based on him saying you'll be laughing on the other side of your face...
SeeminglyOblivious · 25/01/2022 11:28

Unless it was in the middle of a joint laughing fit and clearly humorous, it's an incredibly aggressive and threatening thing to say.

Honestly, if my DH said that to me, I'd be massively shocked but mainly really worried. But not about me...my first thought would actually be that something was terribly wrong with him like a hidden mental illness or a brain tumour.

After 18 years together and him never displaying anything even resembling aggression or violence towards me, this is where my mind would go.

If you're not that shocked then it's because it's happened before and that's a big problem that you need to address.

youcancallmeow · 25/01/2022 11:42

how's that saying go
when tells man tell's you who they are LISTEN

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/01/2022 11:50

You already argue - I presume regularly, since you haven’t indicated that arguments between you are unusual - and you feel that he might become violent. You aren’t married and have no shared DC, why are you still with him? Your DC must feel as miserable and anxious as you do in the environment.

Arnia · 25/01/2022 12:02

Not good at all... a clear threat and considering he is (most likely) physically bigger and stronger than you then it was no joke but an attempt to intimidate and keep you in line. A man who feels rage at a woman for "laughing at him" to the extent he threatens physical violence is not a good man OP.

You say no shared children so I'm assuming you have DC of your own? I would not want this man in their lives.

Original poster
whatth · 25/01/2022 16:15

DC are adults. I've since spoken to him about it and he has apologised saying he didn't mean it in a threatening way but I'm still really angry and upset about it.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 16:30

@whatth

DC are adults. I've since spoken to him about it and he has apologised saying he didn't mean it in a threatening way but I'm still really angry and upset about it.
How did he mean it if not in a threatening way?
ComtesseDeSpair · 25/01/2022 16:34

He’s backtracking because he didn’t think you’d dare to bring it up. How can it not be meant in a threatening way? It’s a threat, even if not of physical violence, that something will be done to make sure you stop laughing. Unless it’s being said in a clearly comical way between two people who aren’t having an argument and are messing around in jest, it’s a threat.

longtompot · 25/01/2022 16:37

There's only one way to take that comment, which is as a threat. How did he think it was meant to be taken?

VioletOcean · 25/01/2022 16:54

My mother used to say shit like that and Keep crying and i’ll give you something to cry about… vile human. It’s threatening and crap

TheFoundation · 25/01/2022 17:28

@whatth

DC are adults. I've since spoken to him about it and he has apologised saying he didn't mean it in a threatening way but I'm still really angry and upset about it.
Oh, I see! So, he meant it kindly?

OP, why do you think it would be a good idea to stay in a relationship with someone when you feel the threat of violence is real? What would you advise your daughter to do, in your position?

HollowTalk · 25/01/2022 17:31

He did mean it in a threatening way but now that he's calmed down he realises it could get him into trouble, so he's denying his original intention.

violetbunny · 25/01/2022 17:32

@HollowTalk

He did mean it in a threatening way but now that he's calmed down he realises it could get him into trouble, so he's denying his original intention.

This. It's the kind of comment that's designed to keep you on your toes, while still having some plausible deniability.

me4real · 25/01/2022 17:45

It is a threat of physical violence as far as I'm concerned. Definitely a threat of something.

Daleksatemyshed · 25/01/2022 17:46

Oh Op, oh course he meant it in a threatening way. He mentioned something he knew would upset you, when you laughed he didn't get the reaction he wanted so he took it to the next stage and threatened you with physical violence. He's a nasty piece of work and I'd think deeply and seriously about leaving, or better still, booting him out.

winnieanddaisy · 25/01/2022 17:53

Are you walking on eggshells all the time in case you upset him ? If so I think it's time that he left .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2022 17:59

@whatth

DC are adults. I've since spoken to him about it and he has apologised saying he didn't mean it in a threatening way but I'm still really angry and upset about it.
One of them lives with you though iirc? Sorry if I've got that wrong. From other threads this relationship sounds utterly joyless for you. He's not kind, loving and fun. He's a prick.

And he was threatening you at worst and at BEST saying 'you deserve to be smacked around the face for laughing when I didn't want you to laugh, I wanted you to be upset'. Best case scenario. I mean... that can't be a 'best' enough reason to stay with him?

grapewine · 25/01/2022 18:01

He's threatening to hit you. He can argue he didn't mean it now, but I would be wary.

grapewine · 25/01/2022 18:05

I shouldn't have laughed.

Oh, OP ...

He shouldn't have bloody threatened you more like.

TheVanguardSix · 25/01/2022 18:05

Horrible, bullying behaviour. God I hate a bully with a passion.
I just hate that... even if he would never raise a hand, language is such a powerful weapon. The language we choose to use is everything! And the language he's chosen to use in this case is intimidating, threatening, bullying, dominating... it's the language of an asshole, really. You don't need his fists or knees as a reason to feel angry, OP. Words are enough. And I think your reaction is telling you that perhaps, OP, you might have good reason to not really like your partner as much as you should. Food for thought.
It's when that thought occurred to me one night on a dog walk, the thought that I really might not like my husband, that the wheels started turning... and then they came off (but that's for another thread).

JoyOrbison · 25/01/2022 18:07

He was threatening you, he was putting you in what he perceives to be your place.

I'm also concerned that he has said this folliwing him bringing up something he knew would upset you and because you weren't upset but laughed he hadn't achieved his desired reaction to upset you so threatened you.

You deserve better Op Flowers

Ionlydomassiveones · 25/01/2022 18:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2022 18:21

Life is too short to waste on small men who threaten women when their fragile ego is threatened.

Absolutely fucking perfectly put.

Original poster
whatth · 25/01/2022 18:26

He said he meant I would be laughing on the other side of my face if he left. Not convinced.

OP posts: