Just need a handhold! And to make sense of this

[Cleanbedlinen12]

Hello. For various serious health and family reasons I haven’t had a job in ages.I feel ridiculously ashamed about this. DP obviously wants me to work - I want to work too. I just feel like I am in a spiral - try… Dp disapproves….lose confidence….drag self up again, try…. I obviously need to up my skill set but DP tells me I don’t need to, I need to get on with it. He won’t accept that companies don’t even bother to respond to my cv because I had a good career before kids, so I must be doing something wrong and I should show him my CV. For some reason this makes me feel like I’m talking to a Victorian headmaster and I get really ashamed/ defensive and don’t want to. Also he is in a different field to me.
He doesn’t agree with any job - it has to be leading to a career, so He has always disapproved of a shop job and volunteering. I have started a skills update course which is very good I feel, but He dismisses as a waste of time. Its helping me rebuild some confidence and recently a company I’d applied to are offering a chat - for a freelance role. Surely that is a bit encouraging? isn’t that good?
When I sell my own stuff he would come in and tell me it wasn’t working, it would take me ages to drag my confidence up again. .I know he’s stressed about money and retirement. A lot of our friends earn fortunes.
After telling me I didn’t need a course he came in to give me a hug. He said he couldn’t understand why I was upset.And said he’s just frightened. That’s fair enough, so am I. But then it felt like he was picking on me. I told him to leave the room, but now I am exhausted depressed and feeling like a failure again. Feel like I’m continually picking myself up. How can I change this? I really want a job oh the joy of leaving at 8 and getting home at 7! And sharing the chores! He says things like,’what do you have to think about?’ He’s obviously not enjoying work and we both want the same thing, so why is it so hard?
Guess I’m just venting as I could feel myself slipping into the ‘ I’m useless’ spiral again and I’ve worked so hard to get out of it. I AM looking for work. Any tips to manage this awful dynamic very welcome!

You are not useless but you are being undermined by this man whom you call your partner. He is really anything but.

Reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft could be useful to you.

He does not want the same as you at all. Your man does not want you to work outside the home and is furthermore controlling you by his disapproving all and every attempt you make to get back into the workplace. His controlling attitude towards you lies at the root of your overall lack of confidence. He's frightened so he says; no he is not. He's frightened of losing some power and control by you having a life outside the home.

I would seriously reassess your relationship as a whole and decide whether you want to stay with him or not. Personally I would choose not to. He is likely stressed about his money and his retirement; such men do not want to at all share.

no offense but he sounds deeply unpleasant
how can you be confident in finding work (applications, interviews etc) when you have this lump constantly undermining you or berating you?
Keeping him happy sounds like a full time job!

Why don’t you try come volunteering - it’s great for building confidence and getting back out into a workplace without jumping in at the deep end. Your job has been parenting - dont let a nasty man wreck your self worth x

Wow, he is undermining you 100%.

Decide on a job/career/employment you would like, and work towards it with necesssary courses. Decide what you want or don't want in career progression, and go for that. Decide what you want to get out of the job, money, fulfilment, community involvement etc and go for that.

Cut him out of the decision altogether. Dont discuss it with him and ignore his stressing and comments. In fact tell him, politely, to shut up about your job choices.

After telling me I didn’t need a course he came in to give me a hug. He said he couldn’t understand why I was upset.And said he’s just frightened. That’s fair enough, so am I

Why on earth would he be frightened? And why would being frightened lead him to undermine your every attempt?

Perhaps his real fear is losing control of you.

Thanks so much for your kind advice. I’d asked mn to delete this as I felt it was self pitying nonsense, but I am incredibly upset after this morning and don’t want to spiral int negativity. So I posted on here and you have come up trumps!
It’s very hard to see when you are in the middle but you have pointed stuff out that was niggling me but in a very faint way.
Atiila thank you for responding, I often read your posts and am always impressed at your advice. I have read Lundy, I will re read it, thank you.
LIliki you have nailed it - I didn’t realises but the hours I spend listening to him about his job, and boosting him. I’ve suddenly realised it’s an endless task and I’ve also slowly realised it’s so draining on my emotions and energy. It takes me a ages to recover a positive mood and re boost my confidence. It’s such a waste of time.
Sunflower thank you. It has. And I’ve found it exhausting creating a safe space for the children. Dp has had various challenges, but I wonder if they were a lot harder than they needed to be. That’s a terrible thing to say! But I sometimes wonder. Volunteering is a waste of space because it doesn’t earn apparantly. I will apply, I love what you say about it - and your wonderfully jolly user name!

inheritancetrack that’s what I’m aiming to do! I am good at a certain area that he can’t see paying well, well, obviously if I’m not putting in the hours. I guess he has some say, I.e. ‘get a job’ as he is doing all the earning. Ironically I really think I would have had work by now. It does feel like my attempts got undermined until I lost confidence.
I would have gone to college.
Mondayyoghurt he’s frightened as he is the earner and he doesn’t earn much for a very difficult job.
I think the main pressure is He wants to start his own business but can’t until I bring in a wage.

You all say, he may be nervous of losing control of me.
Is this control?…
I didn’t want to mention my passion - that will help with finding work- I treat myself to a class one morning a week, my teacher said, ‘well of course he’d want his wife to be happy!’ But of course I was greeted with a mood and a look, and a ‘wish I could have the morning off’ so now I feel guilty about going or practicing.
He insisted the money I made in my really small, but I was proud of it, business account went to buying a new thing for the house that a) we didn’t need b) didn’t need to be so expensive.

Is controlling what comes across in such a short ( and biased) moan?
Thank you, you have saved me from the pit of blaming myself and feeling crap.

Could you do a returnership program? Lots of big businesses do them aimed specifically at people coming back from caring responsibilities, kind of like a graduate scheme.

Thank you, I am on one, but will see if I can get on a company one.

Let this sink in...

Your partner does not want you to succeed. He wants to keep you down.

Is this how you want to live? I have no doubt you could accomplish great things without that anchor of a man around your neck.

He's beaten you right down, hasn't he?

It's interesting that he wants to start a business when you start work. Most businesses fail in the first year and I would put money on his being one of those.

Can you envisage a future without him? What age are your children?

Hmmm. So he gets to say that he is supportive and encouraging, a knight in shining armour. However, for him to keep that role(knight, martyr, saint), op needs to be continually doubting herself and chasing changing goal posts.
I think he is sabotaging you op. I don't know why.
Just do what you want as if you lived on your own and had to support yourself.

I don't like the sound of him one little bit. I think he enjoys belittling you to big himself up.

I think he is sabotaging you op. I don't know why

The word sabotage was the first thing that came to my mind too.

It doesn't matter what you do OP, and you seem to have tried/are trying a few things which could get you back into work, he has some objection to all of them.
He disapproves of shop work and volunteering.
He says your skills update course is a waste of time.
You sold your own stuff (whatever that means) and he demeaned that too.
You attend a course relating to your passion and he says he wishes he could have the morning off.

He is awful and he is doing this deliberately to bring you down. I had an ex go on like that with me but it was to do with leisure time activities and friends rather than employment - but similar. He picked fault with absolutely everything. Claimed no one liked me etcetc.

I suggest you keep going to your skills update course and meanwhile you look for any work. He can get to fuck saying it has to be a "career". You work part time, (or volunteer if unable to find a job at the moment), you build up skills, you get some money saved. And you see how things pan out.
Get yourself in a stronger financially independent position so that you have the option to leave should this behaviour continue.
He gets no say in what work you do. He can fuck off.

He doesn't want you to succeed. He wants to be the 'superior' one. He wants you to be grateful that you've got him which means looking up to him as the one who earns money.

Think about it - if the concern was about bringing more money in to the house, he wouldn't be so picky about which jobs you applied for. He is chossing obstacles to every job you might apply for. He is undermining you. He's breaking down your self confidence.

Why does he (and you) think that it's his decision which jobs you go for? Whether or not you volunteer?

If you fancy a job, apply for it. If you want to improve your skills - go for it. If you want to volunteer (which is great for skills and confidence building) then fill your boots. You don't need his permission. And if he was a loving husband he would want his wife to be happy and would be supportive.

Don't let him keep dragging you down. Be who you want to be. You have one life.

I think the trouble is he wants me in a nice stable job bringing in a nice amount. What he doesn’t realise is a) it won’t be a nice amount, b) it will add to his stress as he will be doing half the chores! 😂😂😂😂😂C) in theory I could earn more if left to my own devices and freelancing/ side hustle. It hasn’t happened yet but reading this I’m beginning to see why. Thank you so much, I was feeling so useless.
But woop woop, I have been invited to an interview ! Watch this space😀

Fantastic news about the interview op.

Be really careful. He doesn't sound like a good guy. If he were working on his business instead of in his current job, would he be nicer? I'm worried you'll be working hard, and still doing all the chores, while he gripes and grumbles at you.

He is wrong and you are right.

Having taken time out, you need to get out there and make real contacts and demonstrate your skills; and you might need some retraining.

Good luck with the interview OP. I agree about the sabotage, but wanted to add it sound like he doesn't really understand the reality of the situation, or is prepared to support you as you work towards getting a "career" job. You do what's right for you, you seem sensible and level headed about the reality of the job market, and flexible enough to see the value of other options.

Thanks very much for being so supportive, you’ve got me out of the dreaded spiral of doom. Will let you know how the interview goes. Good excuse for a haircut! And some clothes that aren’t knackered jeans 😀

Quite apart from the unpleasant way he is acting about this, he is wrong. I've worked with many people who are getting back into work after a gap, usually to raise children. Employers hugely prefer something current on the CV. It's that silly thing of people with jobs being attractive for jobs! So anything like freelance or temp work would be a great way back in. And volunteering and current training would be a great way to get that freelance or temp work.

Thanks Potatopotataehpotttt, that’s quite a name!
Am spiralling rapidly downhill so am leaning on you all again!
This morning he wasn’t impressed that the interview is for a 20k job. Or that I didn’t hear back from the job closest to my old one. I tell him I’m competing with 25 year olds who are super up to date.
I’m so anxious now. Can’t think straight. Why wouldn’t you say, that’s great! It’s a start! Good luck!
Oh because he doesn’t want me to get it. He wants me to get mythical 70 k a year job. Ugh head hurts. Feel like a failure and useless again.

@Cleanbedlinen12

Thanks Potatopotataehpotttt, that’s quite a name! Am spiralling rapidly downhill so am leaning on you all again! This morning he wasn’t impressed that the interview is for a 20k job. Or that I didn’t hear back from the job closest to my old one. I tell him I’m competing with 25 year olds who are super up to date. I’m so anxious now. Can’t think straight. Why wouldn’t you say, that’s great! It’s a start! Good luck! Oh because he doesn’t want me to get it. He wants me to get mythical 70 k a year job. Ugh head hurts. Feel like a failure and useless again.

Good luck! That is great news. You clearly have the right instincts about this. Once you're in the company and they see what you're capable of, you will be able to climb quickly. It's that foot in the door that's important. As you have already figured out for yourself. One trick I have for nerves - close your eyes and visualise yourself performing well in the interview, and the employers being impressed with your answers, and you getting the job. Really helped my interview technique and confidence. You sound like you know what you're doing and good luck!

What stands out for me is that he says he wants you to get a job, to contribute etc. But every job is wrong: it’s wrong to build your skills by volunteering, it’s wrong to apply for the job you’ve applied for….there is always something that makes what you have done or think of doing “wrong” and that’s what you have been living with.

You are being sabotaged and undermined at every turn-no wonder your confidence is in your boots. It seems that’s what he likes and he works hard to keep it there.

Read your first post back as if someone else had written it……

The question is, what now? He is scared of losing control, but unless he sees that, it won’t change. Is this how you want your life to be?

@Cleanbedlinen12

Thanks Potatopotataehpotttt, that’s quite a name! Am spiralling rapidly downhill so am leaning on you all again! This morning he wasn’t impressed that the interview is for a 20k job. Or that I didn’t hear back from the job closest to my old one. I tell him I’m competing with 25 year olds who are super up to date. I’m so anxious now. Can’t think straight. Why wouldn’t you say, that’s great! It’s a start! Good luck! Oh because he doesn’t want me to get it. He wants me to get mythical 70 k a year job. Ugh head hurts. Feel like a failure and useless again.

He is so wrong on this! Of course you can’t just take a career break and walk back into the same job. It’s also easier to get jobs through word of mouth and recommendation than just being one CV in a stack.

You need time to build your career back up, but he doesn’t seem to want to allow that.