Just need a handhold! And to make sense of this

[Cleanbedlinen12]

Hello. For various serious health and family reasons I haven’t had a job in ages.I feel ridiculously ashamed about this. DP obviously wants me to work - I want to work too. I just feel like I am in a spiral - try… Dp disapproves….lose confidence….drag self up again, try…. I obviously need to up my skill set but DP tells me I don’t need to, I need to get on with it. He won’t accept that companies don’t even bother to respond to my cv because I had a good career before kids, so I must be doing something wrong and I should show him my CV. For some reason this makes me feel like I’m talking to a Victorian headmaster and I get really ashamed/ defensive and don’t want to. Also he is in a different field to me.
He doesn’t agree with any job - it has to be leading to a career, so He has always disapproved of a shop job and volunteering. I have started a skills update course which is very good I feel, but He dismisses as a waste of time. Its helping me rebuild some confidence and recently a company I’d applied to are offering a chat - for a freelance role. Surely that is a bit encouraging? isn’t that good?
When I sell my own stuff he would come in and tell me it wasn’t working, it would take me ages to drag my confidence up again. .I know he’s stressed about money and retirement. A lot of our friends earn fortunes.
After telling me I didn’t need a course he came in to give me a hug. He said he couldn’t understand why I was upset.And said he’s just frightened. That’s fair enough, so am I. But then it felt like he was picking on me. I told him to leave the room, but now I am exhausted depressed and feeling like a failure again. Feel like I’m continually picking myself up. How can I change this? I really want a job oh the joy of leaving at 8 and getting home at 7! And sharing the chores! He says things like,’what do you have to think about?’ He’s obviously not enjoying work and we both want the same thing, so why is it so hard?
Guess I’m just venting as I could feel myself slipping into the ‘ I’m useless’ spiral again and I’ve worked so hard to get out of it. I AM looking for work. Any tips to manage this awful dynamic very welcome!

Hello all! Back again. I didn’t get the job, I think I come across as just not businesslike at all. Dp not a happy bunny. He was cross id applied for a receptionist job saying it doesn’t help. He was surprised that the job I’d had the interview for paid the same actually, it was just full time.
Ffs.

I’m just mulling over the evening. he’d come in after a hard day and
he kept asking me questions about the interview and about a tentative offer of a chat, telling me what I should say. And just not letting it go. I don’t know why but it seemed to keep turning into a row. He says,‘don’t talk to me like that’ ugh! It dawned on me that he’d necked a bottle of wine, and started on about how much will the heating bill be? He said I need to put all that I earnt selling my work before Xmas into the account to pay the heating.
I know that it’s fair that I contribute but I was hoping I could keep some back to a) by supplies and b) just feel a bit of pride that I’d earnt it. And c) keep it seperate and business like. He’s already made sure I bought a new item for the house we didn’t need. That was more than it needed to be.
He’s also just spent several grand on something for the house, thats( in my opinion) totally superfluous. He’s wanted it for ages and I can’t see the point, but I thought it might be a good way of signifying that we are moving forward after really difficult times. Obviously not. But why are we buying that if we can’t afford heating bills?
Is this a way of punishing me? It’s what it feels like.
I refused to chat as I thought he just was trying to cause a row. He was all jolly for dinner with the kids and then asked them to stay in the living room. They scarpered.
He reminded me how he got a job after disaster, and I felt such a failure, then it dawned on me that he had me making dinners, listening and cheering him on for months and months. It’s been exhausting. I feel like I’m not cheered on. He disagrees. Who knows who is right? I just want to work and was all positive earlier. Now feeling crap again. The difference now I s that I am beginning to get a teeny core of,’ I’m ok actually’.
Ooh! That’s exciting!