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Original poster

Overseas Phd lodger - racist comments

26 replies

piemaggedon · 25/01/2022 04:57

Hi

So I'm all lined up to have a Russian phd student stay for 6 months. When I informed my ex partner, whom I share 2 children with, he immediately called me incredibly stupid and naive. Pointed out Russia is about to invade Ukraine, I'll probably get robbed, drugged, raped at knifepoint, Russians are a much more dangerous breed than other Europeans. Can I not remember Salisbury where those two russians went out for a walk and got poisoned with novichok? That might happen to me. Or they won't pay any rent and if I complain they'll slit my throat at night. Why would I put my children at risk having a russian in my house, they might work for the Russian government etc.

Now all of this sounds horribly horribly racist, no individual from any country is responsible for the decisions political leaders are making, nor is it reflective on them. The student is female, I've spoke to her virtually and snooped on her social media and she seems lovely. The university have provided proof of her studying there etc. I'm just stunned at my ex's response.

My ex is actually mixed race and incredibly sensitive to anyone being even remotely racist to him. He can't see how incredibly racist he is being. Just keeps telling me I'm stupid and naive and how dare I put our children at risk. He reacted stronger on this than I've ever seen him react before.

I'm just not witty or smart enough to counter his comments, what should I be saying back to him?

OP posts:
UltraVividLament · 25/01/2022 05:06

You don't need to say anything back. Why get into any kind of discussion about such mad comments.

LaBellina · 25/01/2022 05:10

Nothing. Your home, your rules.

And she’s female.
ANY male of ANY nationality is much more of a threat to women then the Russian female population is. Maybe he can start doing something about that instead of wasting his time on racist rants.

Original poster
piemaggedon · 25/01/2022 05:13

I need him to understand it's not ok to say these things. It's like he would never comment on anyones skin colour or treat someone with features from other countries differently and he's really passionate about people not being racist in that regard, but he can't actually see he's being racist here. Like this type of racism is ok because it keeps us safe, like you're sensible to not give people from that country any time or attention because they're dangerous, but normal racism is absolutely not ok. It's a blind spot.

OP posts:
Original poster
piemaggedon · 25/01/2022 05:18

It's almost like, his racism isn't based on looks, so that makes it ok.

A lot of racism is based on looks, skin colour, features, etc. but as the Russians could almost pass as British, it's not being racist. He's judging their behaviour and not their looks.

OP posts:
UltraVividLament · 25/01/2022 05:32

If you feel you need to, I would say once only that he his being absurd and racist/xenophobic and that you are not going to discuss it at all with him, because it's an unacceptable attitude. Then refuse to discuss it with him further.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/01/2022 05:48

I need him to understand

No. You don't need this, thankfully.

"Thanks for sharing your opinion. I'll give it some thought" is all you need to say. Then you just do what you feel is right.

trickytimes · 25/01/2022 05:52

It’s not your job to fix him. You can’t argue with someone like this. You’ll tie yourself in knots. Silence speaks more. Why did you tell him anyway? It’s none of his business what you do in your home. Do you tell him everything? You just keep giving him power if you inform him about your life all the time. He doesn’t have the right to know anything about this woman

BuanoKubiamVej · 25/01/2022 05:58

You are not responsible for any unreasonable behaviour of your ex, including his racism. You can't make him stop being an arse. If you could, he wouldn't be an ex.

Does he have form for being financially controlling? His main concern may be that by having a lodger you are getting additional income (and there's nothing wrong with that obviously)

Clearly you do need to put the wellbeing of your child above all other considerations but there is no reason to suspect this PhD student of anything sinister just on the basis of her nationality. So ignore your ex and get on with your life.

Buttermuffin · 25/01/2022 05:59

He's your ex.

Ignore him.

That's the advantage of him being an ex.

ThreeLocusts · 25/01/2022 06:42

Hi, you could try using the Nazis as an example. For them, racism wasn't about colour or any kind of systematic physical difference, they called Russians and Poles 'subhuman'.

As a European living in the UK, I was occasionally the target of xenophobic remarks by ppl who were themselves targets of racism. You ex is not alone. Maybe using the concept of xenophobia instead of racism helps, too.

Whatever you do, don't sweat it. It's honourable that you want to change his mind, but he is an ex.

PAFMO · 25/01/2022 06:44

Phew!
Good job the ignorant xenophobic twat is your ex. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.

RantyAunty · 25/01/2022 07:04

Stop telling your ex your business. Problem solved.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 25/01/2022 07:10

Why do you need to say anything back to him, he's your Ex!

PinkCheetah · 25/01/2022 07:14

I agree try to explain to your ex in the context of xenophobia, not racism, as that's what it sounds like. Unfortunately there are a not so insignificant number of people subject to racism themselves who do feel comfortable expressing xenophobic views.

BlueFlavour · 25/01/2022 07:18

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I need him to understand

No. You don't need this, thankfully.

"Thanks for sharing your opinion. I'll give it some thought" is all you need to say. Then you just do what you feel is right.

Well said. Exactly this op. What he thinks is not your problem any more.
miltonj · 25/01/2022 07:27

She might want him to change and understand that it's not acceptable because she has kids with him and wants them brought up well?!

Why2why · 25/01/2022 07:32

@piemaggedon

Hi

So I'm all lined up to have a Russian phd student stay for 6 months. When I informed my ex partner, whom I share 2 children with, he immediately called me incredibly stupid and naive. Pointed out Russia is about to invade Ukraine, I'll probably get robbed, drugged, raped at knifepoint, Russians are a much more dangerous breed than other Europeans. Can I not remember Salisbury where those two russians went out for a walk and got poisoned with novichok? That might happen to me. Or they won't pay any rent and if I complain they'll slit my throat at night. Why would I put my children at risk having a russian in my house, they might work for the Russian government etc.

Now all of this sounds horribly horribly racist, no individual from any country is responsible for the decisions political leaders are making, nor is it reflective on them. The student is female, I've spoke to her virtually and snooped on her social media and she seems lovely. The university have provided proof of her studying there etc. I'm just stunned at my ex's response.

My ex is actually mixed race and incredibly sensitive to anyone being even remotely racist to him. He can't see how incredibly racist he is being. Just keeps telling me I'm stupid and naive and how dare I put our children at risk. He reacted stronger on this than I've ever seen him react before.

I'm just not witty or smart enough to counter his comments, what should I be saying back to him?

It’s not racist. It’s bigoted or prejudice but certainly not racist. I’m assuming this person is a White Russian?
SunshineOnKeith · 25/01/2022 07:33

He's judging their behaviour and not their looks
Well does he hold you personally responsible for the invasion of Iraq or the abandonment of the Afghan people? What about the bombing of the Syrian people?
Because by his 'logic' you are absolutely responsible for every British war crime

IncompleteSenten · 25/01/2022 08:01

I need the money so if you feel so strongly why don't you pay me the £X per week yourself.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 25/01/2022 08:35

He's being xenophobic and absurd. On what grounds does he think a female is likely to rape you when rape is a crime that requires a penis?

Also, tell him you're well versed on the rights of lodgers (for good or bad, they don't have many) and any sign of unacceptable behaviour, non payment of rent etc, any lodger would be out ASAP so your children would not be put at risk by these concerns, which by the way, are general. They do not relate to Russian-ness.

Does he imagine that all Russians have access to nerve agents to novichok their landladies with? I think he needs to get away from screens for a while.

I wouldn't try and argue with a paranoid bigot but understand your kids are involved.

You could remind him that this is xenophobia, a prejudice that is very similar to racism except it presumes negative
traits or behaviours based on nationality rather than race. Why does he think it is acceptable for him to pre judge other people so harshly on these grounds, but not for others to do so to him?

BlueLorikeet · 25/01/2022 22:14

“Russians are the scariest white people” Grin

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oRIsC764Nn4

MMmomDD · 25/01/2022 22:33

You can’t change or control him.
And he doesn’t have to agree or even be informed about your lodger. As long as you feel comfortable with your lodger is all that is important.

This isn’t racist in the strict definition of the word. Russians aren’t a race, and they are mostly white European anyway, like the majority of the Brits.
It is xenophobic, and really rather silly. Not surprising as the Russians these days are among the favourite villains. But silly it still is.

A female PhD student of any nationality, vouched for by a university is a low low risk lodger. And projecting actions of any government onto regular people and judging their character by the actions of their leader is just wrong.

But don’t bother trying to explain it to your ex.

EKGEMS · 25/01/2022 23:59

WTH has it got to do with him anyways? Are you planning on sending her to his house when she's not in class? Screw that! He doesn't get a veto in any aspect of your life unless it is about your kids!

Valeriekat · 27/01/2022 04:33

It isn't racism though is it? It's classic xenophobia!

Pinkbonbon · 27/01/2022 05:38

You know he actually doesn't think these things. He just doesn't like that you're doing something independent and wants to shit on you. I'm betting he is the sort who uses the kids against you too right? And he is an ex due to him being q complete wanker.

I'd bet my ass this is just an attempt at him throwing his weight about because he is a controlling asshat that hates that you are free.

Tell him he talks a lot of shit and to go fuck himself. And don't tell him any more of your buisness. Especially the cool, happy stuff because he is likely a miserable bastard who can't stand anyone else being happy.