How would your OH react?

[WineGetsMeThroughIt]

If you got home late by accident and caused your child to miss half their sports practice?

So a bit of background: my son has a regular sports practice 6pm every Monday evening. Normally I work from home on Mondays and my husband and son leave the house at 5 to go first and collect mg daughter from nursery and then drop my son off at football by 6, then husband drops her off here for dinner before doing an at home workout and then going back to get him for 7pm. Today I worked in the office, and when I do I that I usually leave at 5 to get her And then make my way home so they can get to football.

Well today I forgot. It had been since before Christmas since I had to collect my daughter and be back home so they could leave. I was out of routine and got side tracked and thought I just had to collect my daughter at 6. Husband messaged while I was on my way to collect her asking where we were. I realised I'd made a massive mistake and was on the verge of a panic attack racing to get my daughter and then get home. I knew he would flip out.

I called and offered to just pull up to the house so my son could jump in and then I would take him, but my husband wanted to take him. When we got home I came in and didn't say a word because I was too scared. Normally if I do something stupid my husband flips out and puts me down And yells at me and tells me my apology means nothing because if I cared it wouldn't have happened. So when he didn't say anything I didn't even want to bring it up because I felt guilty enough for making my son late.

Anyways husband got home and went upstairs to do his workout. Then came
Storming down at 6:50 when it was time to leave to get our son. He started yelling at me because he only had 12 minutes to work out and how he's dealing with everything while I'm at work and how I don't do anything and how I'm selfish and I don't care and basically have a negative effect on the entire family. I feel like He always yells and puts me down purposely making me feel shit. I have a lump in my throat and a put in my stomach because I feel like the most useless human being. This is a normal pattern.

I also have un-diagnosed ADHD which he refuses to acknowledge exists and insists says I just need to change and start caring about people other than myself.

So I'm wondering am I overreacting by taking it so personally? Obviously I feel terrible. But he makes me feel even worse.

How would your OH react?

We all make mistakes but your husband’s reaction isn’t normal. It’s not as if you were having a jolly. Does he have any redeeming features?

Why are you with him?

My xh used to do this op. It's bullying at best and abuse at worst. Must be terrible for your children watching you be treated like that. I know. I've been the verbal punching bag too. Get rid of him and thrive.

He sounds like an arse.

I can understand being annoyed. But name calling etc isn't ok.

He absolutely shouldn't be doing that. But living with someone who just keeps forgetting things impacting everyone else, does lead to resentment (again He still shouldn't react like that). Have you put things in place to manage your adhd?

If I made the same mistake you made today, my husband would never dream of behaving like this.

Are you scared of him OP? I think I would be

You lost me at "at home work out"!
He sounds v v unreasonable.

His reaction seems well over the top, out of proportion for a missed sports session.
The fact that you were on the verge of a panic attack speaks volumes—- he’s done this before and his behaviour is abusive.
He shouldn’t put you down, and especially not in front of your children.
I can’t suggest anything other than sitting him down, telling him you thought his reaction was excessive and ask him to state calmly what is wrong. If he can’t do that you have to question whether he’s worth staying with.

I can imagine a women flipping out at a man for doing the same thing though.

Someone always forgetting or not pulling their weight can be frustrating, especially when you have gone over it again and again wit them.

Only you know if his being a dick or has a valid point.

What’s not normal is being scared or afraid….for that alone it’s worth leaving!

I think the only mistake you’ve made is marrying him!! You don’t deserve to be spoken too or treated like that, please do the best thing you could possibly do for yourself….Leave and find a real man

Erm total overreaction on his part. My husband once said to me I don't do anything. So for 3 days I didn't do anything, then he complained about cooking dinner, no work clothes, no dishes etc.

If you can't stand up to him then you need to leave (or he does)

It’s not normal to be that worried about his reaction

Are you ok?

Mine would laugh, probably say something about me being a scatterbrain and - possibly - text me the next time to make sure I didn't forget.

I would be upset at making my dc miss something but I absolutely would not be scared of my husband the way you describe. No one should make you feel like that, ever.

As pp says it is frustrating if something like this is a pattern and the person refuses to use strategies to mitigate it but even then what you describe is way off base.

I think your life would be a lot easier if you lost the cretinous arsehole who keeps abusing you when you make mistakes.

My H would help fix the problem perhaps call me scatterbrain. I would apologize to my son for the rest of the week and promise to try and not mess up again.

The family would gently take the piss for a week or two but in the end it's one missed football/home workout and if they wanted to shout and scream like bellends I would then go on full strike until they understood how much else I do for all of them all the time.

He always yells and puts me down purposely making me feel shit. I have a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach because I feel like the most useless human being. This is a normal pattern.

He is an emotionally abusive brute. Do you agree that this is a highly damaging environment for your children?

I hope you are seriously considering leaving.

He is abusive.
Please get your ducks in a row and make plans to separate.

Get rid of him, this is abuse and won't change, you dont have to put up with this, he's a bully, anyone who makes you feel like this doesn't deserve you.

This is abuse.

My DP would phone to ask where I was if he was waiting to drop DS off at a sport but nothing would be said about me being late or anything like that.

You must tread on eggshells all the time. You need to leave x

He aounds awful. There was no need for him to drive the child. You offered and he could have done his full work out. He said no because he wanted something to be mad at you for.

Why is the ADHD undiagnosed?

Your DH is a bully.

The only panic I would feel in this situation would be for how I was disappointing the child who would be late (also I hate being late so would be really annoyed at myself).

I'd let DH know I'd messed up and was late, and he'd say 'ok, see you when you get here'. That would be it. He might gently make fun of me later because it's usually his family that are late.

I don't think DH has ever raised his voice to me.

Yours sounds like a bully who has zero respect for you tbh. His at home work out is more important than your feelings. I'd be lining up those ducks.

Thank you all. Sometimes I just feel like this is so 'normal' for me and all that I know that I don't know what's actually normal. I don't feel like I can leave. I make a fraction of our household income and am not good with money. The only reason why I stay is because I know I would really struggle financially and would not be able to afford a home or car and provide for our children need. I have no family here as there are all overseas. I struggle greatly with self confidence and carrying things through. Basically with my undiagnosed adhd I'm just so used to messing things up and basically being a failure.

My ADHD is undiagnosed because I only realised through a social media post about adhd in adult women that everything about it was me. It all clicked and I'm so sad and angry that I feel like I've wasted 40 years of my life away because I haven't been able to get my shit together. I have mentioned in previous posts that I think my son has adhd as well which my husband is adamant he doesn't and refuses to let me get him tested for it. I have plucked up the courage last week to make an appointment for him and didn't tell my husband except he got the bloody text from the dr surgery when I specifically told them to use my phone number 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP no one should be yelling and name-calling and making the other person feel scared and intimidated. He is not a good husband. You need to get out of that relationship. Don't let finances trap you - you have a job, surely you can work something out. He has convinced you that you are not capable - you ARE capable, be free and happy.

I don't understand why you needed to be home for them to leave for practise?

Your dd was at nursery and you were collecting her. Why couldn't they leave as usual and get there on time?

@JustWonderingIfYou

I don't understand why you needed to be home for them to leave for practise?

Your dd was at nursery and you were collecting her. Why couldn't they leave as usual and get there on time?

We only have one car at the moment. It is too far to walk. Would take an hour