He wants space

[Dizzapee]

I don't know if anyone else has been in similar situation and can offer any support. Feel pretty alone and confused right now.

I'll start by saying, I've not been myself for at least a year, and recently realised I have depression. I've been neglecting my relationship with my partner of 11 years and this has made him insecure. On a couple of occassions towards the end of last year he thought i was going to leave him and that I wasn't interested in him anymore.

10 days ago I came home from work to be told he feels like a carer and that we aren't working. Doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship and that he wants to go. Told me he'd exchanged some flirty messages with a friend and needed to tell me.

We ended up talking rather than him leaving for 2 days before he then said he feels overwhelmed and needs some space to decide if he wants to try or walk away. He isn't sure we can move past the texting. He says I'm not the person he fell in love with and wants to focus on his self esteem and that we should spend some time concentrating on ourselves.

He's staying with a friend and wants to still meet up. Saw each other twice last week. First time was nice, second time I pushed him to tell me how long he needs and got upset. Since then he's backed right off and despite originally wanting some contact he now won't message me and when i message him it's very short replies.

He's currently having counselling to help him sort his head out and give him some clarity. I have recently started antidepressants and counselling myself and despite this, on the whole we have had an extremely happy relationship, we've always worked through problems and have been such a great team. I just never saw this coming and I'm absolutely heartbroken thinking this is probably us done and just not ready to accept that 😪

Oh I’m so sorry. My ex of 18 years said similar things before he left. I gradually began to suspect there was another woman. I had plenty of friends and family tell me that my suspicions were wrong. But I had a gut feeling. Just brace yourself, there may be more than an emotional affair occurring.

You will be alright in time, I promise.

I thought the end of my marriage meant the end my happy life. But 3 years on, I’m happier than I’ve been in years.

He was being brutally honest the other night and I am confident if there was more than some flirty messaging going on then he would have told me. He's mortified he crossed that line anyway.

I know I've made him unhappy. It's not been intentional and the way I've been behaving have hurt him. He's sympathetic to the fact I am depressed and currently awaiting adhd assessment and has said he wished he realised my struggles sooner. I cannot blame him at all for having had enough of me.

And now I have covid and I'm having to isolate on my own. I've never felt so alone 😭😭

He’s taking the easy way out rather than ripping off the plaster, and that won’t help you.
If I were you I wouldn’t do the ‘pick me’ dance, I’d end it and go NC.

How long has it been sexless for? Have you been proactive in seeking help for your depression, or taking it out on him and behaving hurtfully? I sympathise as I have mental health issues but they’re not an excuse to treat other people badly. He was a dick for the texting too, he isn’t blameless, but do you think you’ve become too reliant on him to prop you up emotionally?

@TedMullins there's not been a lot for around a year. Due to a major surgery I got scared along with my own issues in my head and built it up into something it need not have been and his self esteem has been worn down.

Yeah it's absolutely not an excuse, I've been short, I've been withdrawn and I've pushed back and I've relied on him to do too much around the house. It was a couple of weeks before he left that I realised what was going on in my head and I'm now under the doctors and seeing a counsellor. He is also seeing a counsellor to work on his issues around self worth.

I think you need to give him the time he wants. It sounds like his feelings for you have changed. I know some will say if he loved you he should've weathered the bad times and been more sympathetic, but with the best will in the world, if he keeps getting knocked back, there will come a time he just gives up.

I think you should have some time apart to help clarify how you both feel about each other.

I don't think he has been brutally honest, rather he has minimised his involvement with this ow.

So you have felt bad/ill for quite some time ? Sounds like you knew he was pulling away and not supporting you, a natural reaction would be to become depressed.

Sometimes we can only see the real situation after the event.

You are blaming yourself for neglecting him, I see that he has not supported you whilst having an affair with someone else.

He's using the script on you and making it all your fault.

It sounds like you’ve both had a hard time and he’s right to take a break. It might be that he’s decided he wants to split up but doesn’t think you’ll take it well so he’s going for a softer break first.

I wouldn’t buy into certainty some posters have that he’s having a raging affair or that his cheating is the reason you’re depressed. What you’ve openly explained doesn’t bare that out and you realise now, very honestly, how you’ve been behaving and the toll that has taken.

Flirty messages can be as much a symptom of a failing relationship as a reason. He’s fessed up, that might well be all there is to it but getting positive attention elsewhere has driven home what he’s been missing.

All you can do is bide your time and see if he decides to come back. Or choose to end the relationship if you don’t want to wait on his schedule.

Tbh I told my ex I needed a break knowing I wasn’t ever going back because I was terrified of how he’d react. I packed a bag and stayed on someone’s sofa and after two weeks told him I wasn’t going back and wanted a divorce. He reacted exactly as I’d feared but at least I was already out of the house.

So sorry you’re ill and feeling so crap. Carry on getting the professional help you need and hopefully you’ll feel better soon.

@Onthedunes I don't believe he has minimised at all. We had a very frank discussion about it all.

He went through a traumatic life changing surgery and his self esteem was already destroyed from that and combined with me not being myself he wanted an ego boost. I can't say i blame him.

I'm not saying he's faultless but it really isn't black and white. There are faults on both sides that we've both taken ownership of.

Sorry this has happened. It sounds like ‘the script’ and that he wants to pursue a relationship with the other woman.

I wouldn’t meet up with him any more: would act as though the relationship is over, minimise contact except on essential matters, and avoid the ‘pick me dance’. It might be that he comes back, it might not.

I'm sorry: this must be a miserable situation. However, he is not a monster for deciding to walk away from a relationship that is making him miserable, too. There is a lot of guff peddled about how people have to stick with a partner who becomes severely physically or mentally unwell, but becoming someone's carer is horrible and many people cannot manage it, particularly if they feel the ill person is not trying to help themselves.
It's best to focus on treating your own depression for the time being - and detach, in a civil fashion, from this man while he looks after his own mental health.
It's always better to end an unsatisfactory relationship than keep dragging it out.

Ok

Maybe in a couple of months you will see things differently.

Currently he is not reponding to you, you are being discarded and made to feel the split is the responsibility of both of you.

I agree one should look at ones own behaviour but I think in this case he is pulling the wool over your eyes and manipulating you.

It's never understandable to have an affair.
He was/is having an affair, maybe emotional.

@Loopytiles it very much isn't that he wants to persue a relationship with her at all. The messages were what many might class as banter to be quite honest. It's upset him that he's done that, said he felt lonely, partly due to me withdrawing and partly due to covid life. I'm not excusing it, but I can understand it.

@Wreath21 I completely agree. He feels guilty that I cared for him through his physical issues and that was tough but ultimately he's made suggestions repeatedly over the last 6 months and I've been too wrapped up in my own head. Absolutely destroyed I've let my brain do this.

Currently he is not reponding to you, you are being discarded and made to feel the split is the responsibility of both of you.

OP has been extremely clear in taking responsibility for her own actions and the consequences they have had. It’s very patronising to suggest you know better than she does about her own relationship.

He’s asked for a break, she understands why, she pushed him for a timeline he couldn’t give. She’s been very self aware and you trying to convince her she’s wrong about what she knows is unhelpful and unsupportive.

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like both of you have had such a tough time. And bloody covid on top of it!

Sometimes a relationship just can't survive hard knocks like a partner's depression, or one's own emotional issues....or even simply growing apart.

None of us here know which of you is "in the right" here, and I suspect there is no simple answer to that and it's just one of those really tragic things that can happen.

Perhaps the best thing is for you to focus on yourself--on healing, on the other sources of love in your life, and on living on your own.

When you're in a better state, maybe he'll be ready to reconcile, maybe you will be too. Or maybe you'll find someone new, or be content on your own.

I know it must be really hard right now though. Best wishes.

It's difficult, when you stop thinking about someone a certain way, it doesn't always come back. If you put up walls and rejected him, then he will have built his in return and emotionally retreated. The relationship you had may have suited you, it may not suit him and even if you say things will change, you can't necessarily make things as they were.

I ended my relationship last year after 8 years. Wr had no sex life but we just had nothing in common. It hurt him as he wanted to keep plodding. But I was messaging someone else and knew my life was going to change as I selfishly wanted someone I could bond with again. I never wanted to hurt my ex. He was a lovely kind man. But we just lost ourselves and grew apart.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard and I feel alot of guilt for leaving the man who gave me the family I wanted. My new boyfriend is far from perfect but I love him and I feel like we have the emotional bond. I don't remember ever feeling strong emotions with my ex.

Did you feel happy within the relationship truly?

@Thinkingat3am yes I was happy. I wasn't happy with how things were and that is why I wanted to address that and help myself. We were a really good team, with great connection until the depression hit. Loads in common and utterly obsessed with each other.

That's such a shame. It's good that you had that connection. Depression is so hard on everyone involved and I'm so sorry you are going through it. My new partner has depression and it's a bumpy road for us as a couple. He has my full support but I have felt really useless at times and not known what to do. I hope you get things sorted with so much history. Have you got any support? Once again I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's painful and you must feel powerless right now x

@Thinkingat3am not much support on hand sadly as family all live ages away and friends all have enough drama going on so don't want to feel like a burden. And thrn catching covid meaning having to isolate in our house is just making me feel so much worse

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have had experience with the boyfriend wanting 'space'. There was someone else involved, he did try to get us back on track but the 'space' bit was just the rehearsal to going permanently which he did. Think you need to step away and get better yourself and leave him to work on himself.

Aww poor you op. Xxx

Here's what I'd do anyway.
You're realising now that you need to get your shit together.
Have a good think about that, in all sorts of fabulous ways.
Look it up online, make a list, make a plan,of what YOU know you need to do.
Contact support agencies in your area and get involved in the services.
Look after yourself at home, do what needs doing and sort stuff out.

I would not contact him until he contacts you. He will. It sounds as tho you had a strong relationship and it could be strong again. Give him what he wants. One or two nights out are often followed with the desire for home. I'd let him go through that trajectory....and start missing home.

And what will he find? Change, for the better. Hope. Responsibility, from you towards you. He's asking for change, relief, and it could be good for both of you. In long relationships I think both parties give each other warning shots across the bows and I like to heed mine as I am not perfect.

One thing I would be very careful about is that he has said he feels like your carer. Id take that seriously. That's why I said find that external support. Don't be bombarding him with messages wanting him to make you ok and reassure you. It's time to stand on your own feet now and be an equal to him once again.

Overall I see this as a breach that could heal. But ONLY if you step up. I do hope this doesn't come across harshly or god forbid, 'chase the man at all costs'. It's just that the way you have written about your relationship, you sounded close, and he sounds like a good guy and you a good woman. But life batters us and we get into ruts, and then warnings come to us and I believe in heeding warnings, and I believe in self help xxx i think you could help yourself and he might come back xxx I do hope this works out.

@something2say thank you.

I'm under the doctors, awaiting cbt and having counselling. I'm doing my hardest to stand on my own two feet right now and get back to being me. Ultimately I let things slide and leaned on him too much when he was probably needing some support himself too. It's a really sad situation, none of our friends can believe it.

Well I'd brush off and get cracking.
And look up cbt online, distract yourself by learning about yourself xx