He wants space

[Dizzapee]

I don't know if anyone else has been in similar situation and can offer any support. Feel pretty alone and confused right now.

I'll start by saying, I've not been myself for at least a year, and recently realised I have depression. I've been neglecting my relationship with my partner of 11 years and this has made him insecure. On a couple of occassions towards the end of last year he thought i was going to leave him and that I wasn't interested in him anymore.

10 days ago I came home from work to be told he feels like a carer and that we aren't working. Doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship and that he wants to go. Told me he'd exchanged some flirty messages with a friend and needed to tell me.

We ended up talking rather than him leaving for 2 days before he then said he feels overwhelmed and needs some space to decide if he wants to try or walk away. He isn't sure we can move past the texting. He says I'm not the person he fell in love with and wants to focus on his self esteem and that we should spend some time concentrating on ourselves.

He's staying with a friend and wants to still meet up. Saw each other twice last week. First time was nice, second time I pushed him to tell me how long he needs and got upset. Since then he's backed right off and despite originally wanting some contact he now won't message me and when i message him it's very short replies.

He's currently having counselling to help him sort his head out and give him some clarity. I have recently started antidepressants and counselling myself and despite this, on the whole we have had an extremely happy relationship, we've always worked through problems and have been such a great team. I just never saw this coming and I'm absolutely heartbroken thinking this is probably us done and just not ready to accept that 😪

@something2say

Aww poor you op. Xxx

Here's what I'd do anyway.
You're realising now that you need to get your shit together.
Have a good think about that, in all sorts of fabulous ways.
Look it up online, make a list, make a plan,of what YOU know you need to do.
Contact support agencies in your area and get involved in the services.
Look after yourself at home, do what needs doing and sort stuff out.

I would not contact him until he contacts you. He will. It sounds as tho you had a strong relationship and it could be strong again. Give him what he wants. One or two nights out are often followed with the desire for home. I'd let him go through that trajectory....and start missing home.

And what will he find? Change, for the better. Hope. Responsibility, from you towards you. He's asking for change, relief, and it could be good for both of you. In long relationships I think both parties give each other warning shots across the bows and I like to heed mine as I am not perfect.

One thing I would be very careful about is that he has said he feels like your carer. Id take that seriously. That's why I said find that external support. Don't be bombarding him with messages wanting him to make you ok and reassure you. It's time to stand on your own feet now and be an equal to him once again.

Overall I see this as a breach that could heal. But ONLY if you step up. I do hope this doesn't come across harshly or god forbid, 'chase the man at all costs'. It's just that the way you have written about your relationship, you sounded close, and he sounds like a good guy and you a good woman. But life batters us and we get into ruts, and then warnings come to us and I believe in heeding warnings, and I believe in self help xxx i think you could help yourself and he might come back xxx I do hope this works out.

This is a lovely hopeful post @something2say and @Dizzapee full of good advice.