Eloping - broaching subject with family

[Phos]

My partner and I have been together 10 years and want to get married this year. I can’t think of anything worse than having a big traditional wedding and because of certain politics, an immediate family only one is also out of the question.

So we have an amazing idea for how we would elope and marry just the two of us and then do some kind of ceremony on an already booked holiday with our daughter so she gets to be involved.

My absolute ideal would be go, do it and just tell people after but I’m really worried in case it would upset my mum. I’ve been married before so she’s kind of had all that once but considering she likes this partner and didn’t like the ex she might feel like she missed out on seeing me marry someone decent.

Anyone eloped and what were your stories about dealing with family? I know it’s my day but it’s also my mum.

"My absolute ideal would be go, do it and just tell people after but I’m really worried in case it would upset my mum".

Why would it upset your mum?. Surely she would just want you to be happy?. Or does she have form for being upset at the virtual drop of a hat?. Remember that it is your man's wedding day as well as your own; is he happy to go along with the idea of eloping?.

Remember too that you are an adult with agency, she is not the boss of you and you do not need her approval either even though you may still seek it.

No she doesn’t to be honest. I don’t think I really need to explain why someone might be upset or disappointed at being completely in the dark about their only child’s wedding.

OH is fine with eloping. He can’t be bothered with a big wedding either.

My dsd went to Mexico with her man and got married there. The feeling amongst the family was of relief that they didn't have to spend vast quantities of money on clothes, presents, hotels etc. whilst being pleased that the couple did it the way they wanted. They had a party when they got home.

I guess I'm curious why you need to elope? Why not just have the wedding you want?

Could you have a super small wedding with just your Mum?

We eloped and had an outdoor wedding and justified/sold it to family by saying we wanted that 'out in nature' aspect. We hosted a big party at home a few weeks later as well, with fancy food and drinks etc. Of course I don't know what people actually thought but at least no-one said anything to us about being disappointed, it all worked out really well. I can really recommend it, it was nice to focus just on the two of us.

@Bumpsadaisie an elopement is the wedding we want.

@GOODCAT I’d love to but his parents and my dad would be problematic about that.

I’ve toyed with the idea of a party but that just means I still have to do the bits of a wedding we’re trying to avoid - paying a shitload of money for people to come and get drunk and spending the whole day worrying if people are having a good time.

Ahh man, OP, this is tough. It feels like once you crack open the guest list to 'just' a few people, then family/friends politics come to play and it's really tough. My husband and I were lucky and married during the pandemic and were able to get away with having something much smaller than we otherwise would have been able to (part of me really did just think 'yes, it's worth the 15k of this wedding for me to not have extended family on my case for the next 20 years').
I DREAMED of eloping - but didn't for the same reasons you're struggling with.

The alternative really is just trying to keep it as small as possible and quoting money and effort as reasons - if you're having a religious ceremony then you can always do that, and have some cake and champagne in the grounds/hall afterwards before going to a restaurant with JUST parents/sibs etc. If keeping it civil registry only then can go straight from that to a restaurant and possibly have it even smaller with just parents of yourself and partner as witnesses?

All the best with it, it's encouraging as well that people are pretty understanding about weddings in general, unless someone is really sour grapes in general others are fairly good willed and will understand!

Oh man, sorry - I realised I was off topic. In terms of broaching it then I'd say you do it over a really nice meal/thoughtful event that youre doing with your mum. She may be hurt, but I guess that's the price that's paid, I don't think you can alleviate that even though I'm sure she'd be really happy for you.
Again, all the best.

@MoreCoffeePlease2

I can’t do just parents. I would if I coiled Mine are divorced and don’t get along. Yeah they’d keep it civil for our sake I am sure but I’d still know it was an act and feel tense as a result.

COULD!! Bloody autocorrect!

Can't you just say - I've been married before - done the big thing, this time want to do something different. We are going to Hawaii welcome to come if you want

We eloped, didn't tell anyone beforehand, mentioned it when we got back but not until it became relevant. In fact I think I was hiring a car and my dad was sitting next to me and noticed that I ticked the "married" box. We only did it for legal reasons so it wasn't a big deal to us, or to my parents, who are very unsentimental.

I thought the point of eloping is not to tell anyone?

nothing wrong with that if thst's what you want to do.
just as there is nothing wrong with a minimal registry office wedding or a giant affair with hundreds of guests and 3 wedding dresses and everything in between.

Tbh OP while we did the party in hindsight I regret it. We did that purely out of guilt. Totally bonkers if I think about it now. You don't owe anyone a wedding party, and those who truly love you will be pleased for you if you just do whatever makes you the happiest!

We eloped last summer. We told parents and siblings before. Individually had them round for tea and told them. All but my mum took it brilliantly. I knew my mum would be upset. She came round after a few weeks. Go and do it your way. It was the best decision for us and when we tell people now, many say they wish they had eloped. Good luck

We eloped 4 years ago and got married, no one knows even now

Do you have to keep it secret from your mum? "Elope" is such an all-or-nothing word, implying total secrecy. But just because you don't want a big occasion or any fuss doesn't mean you can't tell anyone, surely?

My marriage to DH#2 was a very quiet affair in a registry office with two witnesses. Most of the people we knew had no idea until later. We did, however, tell close family we were about to get married and the way we'd chosen to do it. No one batted an eyelid, I mean they'd seen it all before! Just say you can't be arsed with all the hoo-har but look forward to raising a toast with them one day.

We eloped and told no family at all until afterwards. Had comments like ‘oh we’d have loved to have been there’, but obviously the fact that we chose to go away and not tell them about it shown that we didn’t want them there and so that’s that ha! Not once regretted it, so many people say to me ‘I’d have loved to have done that/do that’.

I'm having a registry office wedding in a few weeks. Just 2 witnesses (not family). Not estranged from family or anything, we're just very shy!(and when you invite 'just a few', there are always others who feel left out). Just planning on a casual pub lunch afterwards.

Families know we'll be marrying 'soon' but not the date. We're having photos done in a local park afterwards, so we'll probably visit relatives and show off the album afterwards.

I think my parents do feel a bit left out, but then again weddings can cause a lot of stress and expense, so in a way it's better for them. My brother married someone from another culture, so they had to travel halfway across the world and attend various banquets over multiple days, in smoky restaurants filled with people speaking another language. The ceremony was lovely, but it was a lot of stress!

We've been living together for 5 years, I'm 39 and he's 47, so it's more putting an official stamp on things rather than 'love's young dream'.

We did it and it really upset my mum. Looking back I wish we'd not done it that way.

"Elope" usually means two young people running away to get married because they don't have parental consent - not two people who have been living together as husband and wife for ten years!

I wouldn't dramatise it by calling it an "elopement" because it isn't.

Just arrange the wedding you want. Be prepared that if you marry without telling close family, some of them will feel very left out and hurt, and others won't care at all. After all, you already set up home together long ago.

Just to add, I actually think a lot of people were glad we just got on with it quietly by ourselves. No one is anywhere near as excited about a wedding as the people getting married. My mum, I think, enjoyed digging out something old, something borrowed, and something blue for me, so it was nice for her to know in advance. But celebrating a marriage with the people you love doesn't have to all happen on the same day. You can have a special meal together next time you see them.

Total secrecy, I think, raises questions and could be rather disconcerting for your mum.

Thanks all.

I'm not getting hung up on the definition of elopement, it's just the quickest way of describing what we want to do.

I guess all I can do is tell my mother in advance over a meal or something. It's not quite as fun as going off and doing it completely secretively but there's a risk involved there. Might just arrange to have a nice meal with parents locally (the wedding won't be local) - I'll wear my dress to the restaurant :D

That sounds lovely OP, what a great idea to wear the dress!

Have a lovely time!
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