Eloping - broaching subject with family

[Phos]

My partner and I have been together 10 years and want to get married this year. I can’t think of anything worse than having a big traditional wedding and because of certain politics, an immediate family only one is also out of the question.

So we have an amazing idea for how we would elope and marry just the two of us and then do some kind of ceremony on an already booked holiday with our daughter so she gets to be involved.

My absolute ideal would be go, do it and just tell people after but I’m really worried in case it would upset my mum. I’ve been married before so she’s kind of had all that once but considering she likes this partner and didn’t like the ex she might feel like she missed out on seeing me marry someone decent.

Anyone eloped and what were your stories about dealing with family? I know it’s my day but it’s also my mum.

My DD only wanted her and her partner at her wedding. Bit upset but it's what they wanted. Very happy for them both.

Do exactly what you both want. You don't owe a wedding to anyone, even your mum.

@Bumpsadaisie

I guess I'm curious why you need to elope? Why not just have the wedding you want?

To elope is the wedding they want?

I would love to elope as well OP, my mum said she would be un happy if I did that but there is no way I could have my mum there without a couple of DP's family there and then it just ends up more and more people because ' you cant invite so and so and not so and so' so I told my mum that eloping will happen one day. I think she is coming round.

We eloped and didn’t tell a single person. Phoned my mum and dad a few hours after the ceremony (due to time difference). They were surprised but happy. We organised a family dinner with them at a restaurant when back home to celebrate.
Do your wedding how you want it.

"Mum, me and John have decided to get married. We're just going to do it with the 2 of us and the little ones. You and dad don't get on, and neither do John's parents/Aunty Betty/whoever. We want the day to be nice without any drama or tension so this is what we've decided is best for us."

I think 'eloping' with its suggestions of stealth and galloping in a coach and four over the border to Gretna Green is a bit melodramatic for what we did, which was to go down to the local register with two witnesses. I don't think we told anyone for a few years afterwards, and even then it only slipped out because I'd forgotten we hadn't said in the first place (it was less a conscious cover-up than the fact that we had a baby and did a major international move within a few weeks of getting married, and were both mad busy with other more important stuff.)

No one raised an eyebrow. My parents said they'd thought we'd done it years earlier.

I suppose my takeaway is that if you don't treat it like a big deal, it doesn't give any one else licence to. It wasn't a big deal for us, it was a legal footing for an already long, committed and happy relationship. I was never the kind of child who fantasised about her Big Day and choosing the colour of her bridesmaids' dresses, and I'm not keen on the institution of marriage on feminist grounds -- if straight civil partnerships had been available then, we'd probably have gone for that.

But -- no regrets and certainly no drama.

As you’ve been married before, you may have experienced that even when you do “the big wedding” people still complain!

The only way to be happy is to do what you want.

I think the only way to avoid the guilt trip before is to not tell anyone till after. Then say it was a spur of the moment thing and leave it at that. Don’t let them interrogate you on the details and good luck 🤞

If I was to marry again, I’d want this. I’m lucky in that I know my family would just be happy for me. I understand it’s different when you’re not certain there won’t be upset. But it’s your marriage, and about you, any hurt your mum feels is her responsibility because this isn’t a situation with a compromise. You either elope or you don’t. (And I think you should do it!)

I suppose if it wouldn't bother you if your child did it, then you are of the mind the the couple have the wedding they want irrespective of others' feelings (therefore no hypocrisy involved)

And at least your mum has seen you married (even though it didn't work out)

I know I would have been upset but that would have been my issue and not a reason for my child to change their plans. And it wouldn't be right to make a fuss about it.

We eloped; it was brilliant. We told some people just before and some afterwards There was the odd pang of disappointment here and there but on the whole friends and family were pleased we'd saved them the hassle and expense of attending a wedding!

We eloped but stupidly told people beforehand who nearly guilted us out of it! Next time I’d not tell a soul!