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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should DH go and see her?

34 replies

HairSpray · 28/12/2007 17:45

My dh is a karate instructor and at his class is a woman in her late 20s and her son (11), they train together.

Anyway neither have been to the class for a couple of weeks which is highly unusual. Normally they don't even miss one lesson, never mind two weeks worth.

Anyway DH saw the lad in town and asked "where you been these past few weeks?" and the boy looked quite suprised by the question, searched for an answer and then told DH quietly that his mums husband had beaten her up and she had blood all over her and the husband wont take him to karate and the mum wont leave the house until the bruises and cuts have gone away .

Obviously DH didnt know what to say so just asked "is there anything I can do to help?" and the kid said "yeah, kick him in".

DH has known this woman for a good few years and so is obviously mortified by what he's heard. I said the lad could've been making it up for a laugh but DH said he had tears in his eyes when he told him. This was just before christmas.

Anyway DH has said he wants to go around and see if shes ok but Im not sure its a good idea.

I keep thinking if it was me I'd be glad to know someone cared enough to come around but then maybe she will think he's interefering and maybe will feel embarrassed that her business has gone public? I've never been in the situation so have no idea how it would feel.

Should he stay out of it and just wait for them to return to the class or go around?

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/12/2007 17:46

Could he ring them?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 28/12/2007 17:47

I don't think it's a good idea to go round - it may make things worse for the woman. Maybe speak to her when she returns to class, offer support and help should she ever need it in the future.

Original poster
HairSpray · 28/12/2007 17:47

He does have her number yes, I suggested he call her instead but he's insisting that he should go around.

OP posts:
bananaknickers · 28/12/2007 17:48

could make things worse. Wait until she comes back to class and talk then.

holidaywonk · 28/12/2007 17:48

Report it to the police? He has been informed of a serious assault, after all.

SelfishMrsClaus · 28/12/2007 17:49

Could you go around? Maybe it wouldn't be too intimidating for her if you went round & her dh might not be suspicious of another woman visiting.

scatterbrain · 28/12/2007 17:50

Easy for a visit to be misconstrued I think. The husband might assume there is something going on between them - and either beat her up again or have a go at your dh. Or she might think your dh fancies her and that could lead to problems too.

I'd try and keep your dh out of it - but have a word with her when she comes back to class ?

makemineadouble · 28/12/2007 17:57

increase her lessons !!!!!!!

bastard! get all club down there kick shit out of him!!!!!!!!!!!

no keep nose out you wont be thanked, it will come out boy told your dh and cause more trouble........

when time is right she'l do something

pyjamagirl · 28/12/2007 18:00

I would contact the police and let them know what the son said . It could make things a lot worse if your dp goes round.

Hope she is ok

cheeset · 28/12/2007 18:08

I wouldn't get involved in this domestic.

Chances are the wife will stay with her dh and the dh will definately not let her go to karate again.

She knows what she should do, any one with an ounce of sense would. Probably why she attends self defence classes.

When/if they start attending the karate again, he could mention that he knew what happened and offer a support number for her and childline for the kid? Thus not getting involved.

You guys don't need that on your doorstep.

Just my op, hope it helps.

SelfishMrsClaus · 28/12/2007 18:20

Thank goodness everyone doesn't think like you cheeset. I'd hate to think of the people that would still be involved in shitty relationships if people who could have given them support, turned a blind eye.

makemineadouble · 28/12/2007 18:26

totally agree with cheeset

cheeset · 28/12/2007 18:32

Mrs selfish, suggesting a woman go round to see this lady who has already been attacked is just stupid.

Any woman who lets her son witness this abuse does not think straight so what makes you think a visit by a stranger is gonna help?

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/12/2007 18:33

Something needs to be done. Just not sure what yet. This poor child is obviously desperately worried about his mum.

cheeset · 28/12/2007 18:34

thanks MMAD

SelfishMrsClaus · 28/12/2007 18:37

Well, when it was dh's aunt who was being kicked senseless in front of her 4 children an outsider is what it took to make her see this wasn't normal. She wasn't thinking straight when this abuse was happening, she didn't choose to let her kids witness the abuse, she simply had no choice at the time.

SpookyMadMummy · 28/12/2007 18:38

If your DH goes and sees her and this man is anywhere in the vicinity, it could fan the flames and make things worse for her.
Its a very tricky situation and tbh I don't know what I would do. I guess it depends on how well you know her, or if you know the man who did this to her.

makemineadouble · 28/12/2007 18:46

sometimes things fall on our knees without asking, you cant always do what springs to mind (like bash him up, or call police)

imagine....dh goes round knocks on door oh excuse me your boy tells me your kickin shit out off his mum who just happens to be member in my class would you like to explain why your doin this..........

well imo someones gonna suffer, the wife? the boy? the dh?

a chance meetin with the mum a kind word shhhhhhhhhh thats all you can offer

not time for the cavelery just yet

warthog · 28/12/2007 19:24

bad things happen when good people stand by and do nothing.

i'd have a quiet word with her at the next karate lesson. going round to her house might be too easily misconstrued by the h.

holidaywonk · 28/12/2007 19:35

I agree with Selfish, I find it a bit shocking that people are calling this a 'domestic' and saying that people should keep their noses out. Apart from anything else, there's a young child who is witnessing someone kicking shit out of his mother.

Why not call Women's Aid
(0808 2000 247) and ask what to do - they should have some sensible advice.

women's aid

Janos · 28/12/2007 20:34

I think you and your DH sound like lovely, concerned people.

Please do something, this boy is obviously crying out for help, or else why would he have told your DH?

I would def ring women's aid. Good luck to you both.

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2007 20:36

Agree wuith holidawonk

MariNativityPlay · 28/12/2007 20:39

Also agree with holidaywonk and janos.
You can help them without maybe inadvertently causing more worries for the woman. Good for you both for caring about this enough to want to do something

rosalinda · 28/12/2007 22:44

Hi I am new to this site, but hope I can help. I work with at risk teenagers and am often faced with this situation. you could ring social services and report this as a record of concern. They won't necessarily do anything if this is a one off incident but if there have been other incidents reported, i.e. he may have told teachers at school, or the mother's doctor may have had suspicions etc, then they will make an appropriate intervention. If this man is abusive then the young person is at risk. hope this is useful.

hettie · 29/12/2007 09:45

hi , please don't go round as it may put her at risk- but as above poster said this should be reported... social services.... also do call womans aid as they will give best advice..