Should DH go and see her?

[HairSpray]

My dh is a karate instructor and at his class is a woman in her late 20s and her son (11), they train together.

Anyway neither have been to the class for a couple of weeks which is highly unusual. Normally they don't even miss one lesson, never mind two weeks worth.

Anyway DH saw the lad in town and asked "where you been these past few weeks?" and the boy looked quite suprised by the question, searched for an answer and then told DH quietly that his mums husband had beaten her up and she had blood all over her and the husband wont take him to karate and the mum wont leave the house until the bruises and cuts have gone away .

Obviously DH didnt know what to say so just asked "is there anything I can do to help?" and the kid said "yeah, kick him in".

DH has known this woman for a good few years and so is obviously mortified by what he's heard. I said the lad could've been making it up for a laugh but DH said he had tears in his eyes when he told him. This was just before christmas.

Anyway DH has said he wants to go around and see if shes ok but Im not sure its a good idea.

I keep thinking if it was me I'd be glad to know someone cared enough to come around but then maybe she will think he's interefering and maybe will feel embarrassed that her business has gone public? I've never been in the situation so have no idea how it would feel.

Should he stay out of it and just wait for them to return to the class or go around?

Going round there is a bad idea but reporting to social services etc is probably the best way to help.

I second Rosalinda to tell social services. I definately wouldnt go round. Its more likely to aggravate the situation and as sad as it is its your DH doesnt know the full story. He has the best of intentions but without all the facts he will unwittingly wade into all sorts of trouble.

Could he pop round with a late xmas card? It may cause more problems for her though! SS may be the answer but then again she might not welcome them. Gosh I'm not at all useful am I

Difficult one but what a nice man for not wanting to run a million miles in the opposite direction.

I don't think that either of you can just do nothing. I do think that your dh visiting might make matters worse. I think a visit from you with some flowers might be nice - you could say that you'd heard she had a nasty fall or something. I really don't think her husband is a threat to anyone else. Most domestic abusers present a very creditable and upstanding front to the rest of the world. In fact, it is something they actively encourage as it would make any accusations on the part of the abused sound unbelievable.

Social services is probably your best bet if you are not prepared to visit and also provide her with details of women's aid.

rest assured social services will know what to do. They will not do anything hasty. They will have a domestic violence line and a child protection line. If this women has ever been to the doctors or hospital and anything looked slightly suspicious then the professional would have recorded this with SS, likewise if the child has expressed anything to do with this at school, then the teachers would have involved SS. If you called the police they would notify SS too unless they thought there was an immediate danger. Social services may already have a case open on this and already have an allocated social worker or family support worker. They won't do anything that will put anyone in danger.

Don't call social services. They are just as likely to start proceedings to remove the child from his mother rather than doing anything to help the woman. They take the same view that someone else expressed here that women who are beaten up by their partners are "letting" the children see the abuse.

Either call the police, or call Womens Aid.

I'm sorry but that is not true. It is an extremely long and drawn out serious process to remove children from their mothers. As part of my job I often have to report parents who beat up their children and worse,
social services sometimes don't intervene.

I would second Rosalinda, it takes time to be placed on the at risk register and from then to be removed from the family is a long process.
they do need help and sympathy

He could phone her in his "professional" capacity to ask about her attendance at lessons...fish a bit why she is not coming....see how she sounds and perhaps drop a hint that he spoke to the son. This has to be handled with real care so as not to make things worse for her while making it possible for him to let her know there are folks out there looking out for her.