Shut up going on about…

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 14:40

Dont have "another" baby.

Leave him

You only hav3 one child with him. Quit while you're ahead.

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 14:42

He doesn't get to tell you what you're allowed to talk about and when. Is he often so dismissive?

Original poster

Peanutbutter250 · 23/01/2022 14:59

Thank you
I have @UserBot999 wasnt sure if being dramatic in leaving

OP posts:

Original poster

Peanutbutter250 · 23/01/2022 14:59

Thanks @girlmom21

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 15:00

Leave him. Show him that you mean what you say.

Honeyroar · 23/01/2022 15:00

You really would be better finding someone else that wants the same things.

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 15:01

Does the child have dad’s surname by any chance ?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/01/2022 15:05

Sounds like he has the emotional depth and maturity of a teapot. Or a mushroom. Seriously, op, how can you bear to shag him?

If you want to marry him, see if you can sit down and have a sensible conversation about it. What does he want?

But don't have more dc until your relationship is more stable and mature.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2022 15:10

It makes me want to cry when I see great women begging inadequate men to marry them.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/01/2022 15:13

He’s never going to marry you

BriocheForBreakfast · 23/01/2022 15:15

You both need to sit down and have an honest talk about what you want out of life. And if what you want and what he wants don't match, you either need to find some common ground to compromise on or make a decision to stay or leave.

Marmelace · 23/01/2022 15:18

Trying to blackmail him into marrying you is really not a good idea.

Igneo · 23/01/2022 15:19

You really would be better finding someone else that wants the same things.

I wonder whether the reason why so many of us end up with such half-hearts is that there simply aren’t as many men around who want marriage and children as there are women?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2022 15:29

If I were wanting marriage and a child, I'd want them with someone who was thrilled about both. Not "shut up talking about " and "ok we’ll av another baby then".

When DH and I married we BOTH wanted to marry and were ecstatic at the idea of making that loving (and legal) commitment. When we had both our children we were both joyful and enthusiastic about bringing them into our lives.

You really, REALLY need to sit down and give yourself a good talking to. Then get out.

WorstXmasEver · 23/01/2022 15:31

You're clearly not getting along so why bring a baby into the mess?

Marriage is really just a bit of paper though.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2022 15:32

@Igneo

You really would be better finding someone else that wants the same things.

I wonder whether the reason why so many of us end up with such half-hearts is that there simply aren’t as many men around who want marriage and children as there are women?

There's a saying of "It's better to be alone than to wish you were". Never settle.

There's nothing worse than a bad or 'settled for' marriage and a woman can have a child without a man. You may need sperm, but you don't need a man.

growinggreyer · 23/01/2022 15:37

Marriage is really just a bit of paper though.

Until you want out of it... could take 5 years for a contested divorce to go through. And you have to have a judge agree to the financial division. So, that piece of paper has words written on it and those words have meanings - legal meanings.

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 15:42

@Peanutbutter250

Thank you I have *@UserBot999* wasnt sure if being dramatic in leaving

You're not being dramatic to have your own agenda.

His agenda is to drift with no obligation.

Why should what you want out of life be sacrificed for his convenience??

Being single only seems like a dramatic next step because all change even change for the better is scary.

But once you are single you start feathering yr own nest. Your labour for YOUR NEST

TimBoothseyes · 23/01/2022 15:46

i am fed up of not being able to get excited and being with someone who doesn’t want to

So don't be.

TimBoothseyes · 23/01/2022 15:48

hit post too soon.

So don't be with him then. Why stay being fed up when you have the power to change that.

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 15:53

Honour your inner voice here.

You are telling you that you do not want to be with him.

You posted this thread and told us everything that you already know and everything you already need to know.

What practical steps do you need to take to get out from under his roof?

Others have been through it. I left with two kids so while some will criticise you for having had one child out of marriage (and no protection) I am going to say to you that all is not lost.

You are a mother and I'm sure you wouldn't regret that! So that's great. But honestly, do not even think about making the next stage of your life harder without the protection of an equal partner (marriage).
But even if he proposed to you to stop you leaving, you could still say, nah, actually you deserve to be valued as well as married. Both.

The first few years after I left my x were hard but eventually I got some maintenance, eventually I got a part time job, in time I got a full-time job, then I got a better full time job, I like it, my wages go up. I have my own secure place. All of my labour in terms of work, income, time, it's all for my benefit and not for the benefit of a stingy man who wanted to plunder my time like it was worth less than his time.

Original poster

Peanutbutter250 · 23/01/2022 18:15

Thank you @UserBot999 so much

OP posts:

Igneo · 24/01/2022 09:33

What you say is true, across the pond, but it is the kind of truth you only really know once you have lived it.

When that advice comes from someone who has lived the pain of finding they need to leave a relationship, especially post child/ren, against all the conditioning that we have been brought up with that the family unit is for everyone, it is one thing. But it can be hard to accept the idea that you should have known this before you got involved/ fell in love.

There are a certain amount of fortunate people on MN who say such things to people who weren’t so lucky in their relationship attempts. Frankly is comes a cross as smug from those... especially saying ‘find someone aligned’ when there simply don’t seem to be as many men who are on that page as women.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2022 15:25

@Igneo

What you say is true, across the pond, but it is the kind of truth you only really know once you have lived it.

When that advice comes from someone who has lived the pain of finding they need to leave a relationship, especially post child/ren, against all the conditioning that we have been brought up with that the family unit is for everyone, it is one thing. But it can be hard to accept the idea that you should have known this before you got involved/ fell in love.

There are a certain amount of fortunate people on MN who say such things to people who weren’t so lucky in their relationship attempts. Frankly is comes a cross as smug from those... especially saying ‘find someone aligned’ when there simply don’t seem to be as many men who are on that page as women.

Actually, I have experienced a bad marriage. I knew it was a mistake when I married him, but I was young and stupid. So I know exactly what it's like to marry the wrong person for the wrong reason and to suffer for it. And to know how it feels to desperately want to be alone instead of with that person. But I also know what it's like to learn from experience and to choose the right person, without compromising. And to hope that others can learn from my experiences.

It isn't 'smug' to to tell someone to look before they leap and to give serious consideration before making such a huge commitment, especially if one of your main reasons is because you want children. It's advice given from a place of actual experience and wanting someone to avoid your own mistake, and that's not being smug. That's hoping someone doesn't make the mistake you made. Are we to sit back and not say anything because we don't want to be thought 'smug'?

If you had tripped over a broken brick on the pavement, would you consider it 'smug' if you told the person behind you "Watch out for that broken brick, it'll trip you up!"?

Igneo · 24/01/2022 16:36

I said it comes across as smug from those who have been lucky.

Some people just don’t realise they have been lucky, and go around saying ‘find someone aligned’ like there is an equal pool of men who’re looking for marriage and children.
Clearly you’re in the ‘learned the hard way’ category, like me. So not smug.

I maintain the right to consider those who don’t appreciate that they have been lucky but go around advising others, smug.

Sorry for the derail, OP. Hope you are doing ok today.