Shut up going on about…

[Peanutbutter250]

Marriage & kids,
He said we could get married in a few years but told me to shut up talking about it because its too early to be talking about it now.
And stop going on about more kids.
Ok so i told him forget it, il find someone who wants the same things.
now hes saying ok we’ll av another baby then.
i am fed up of not being able to get excited and being with someone who doesn’t want to…

There's just no point telling somebody that they should have valued themself more highly when it's too late!! And posts like that used to make me feel even more worthless and even less equipped to leave.

Whether or not you want the same things (re marriage and children) he treats you disrespectfully and thinks he can tell you what you can talk about, and that he gets to call all the shots.

So I would caution against having more children with him, and I would seriously question why you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you.

And then add to that - you want different things. Important things.

Marriage is about so much more than a piece of paper. Saying it's just a piece of paper is like saying your mortgage is just a piece of paper, a job offer is just a piece of paper, a degree is just a piece of paper. No it's not - it's a piece of paper that changes where you stand legally and offers protection to the financially weaker party (ie if you have children and one of you stops work for a bit). You want to get married, and that's entirely reasonable. He doesn't. Perhaps he doesn't care what you think. Perhaps he doesn't want to commit to you. Perhaps he doesn't want to have to share your assets fairly if he leaves you.

And please don't have a child with someone who's half-arsed about it. It would make your relationship more challenging and wouldn't be fair on the child.

If you parked up the marriage and child issues, do you think your relationship is a good one? Respectful, loving, supportive, honest, warm, caring? You don't have to answer that here, but I think it might help to think about on your own. Is it worth fighting for? Does he deserve you fighting for it?

Thank you everyone and @layladomino thank you that is food for thought
I will re read over this and remind myself of it

Please don't have a baby with someone who seems half interested in the idea you need a man's 100% commitment and the child deserves a good dad surely !?

If he’s like this now, I doubt he’ll be any better if you marry him. And divorce is expensive.

UserBot maybe there is a point in those sort of comments in perhaps other women will read them and it might give them something to think about before getting in such a situation?

Well I think the OP's predicament should do that.

I knew as my situation unfolded that it was putting me at risk. But the fundamental problem was that I was scared to ''rock the boat''.

it was a shit boat. But I regarded it like a raft, because my self-esteem was low and I'd no sense of myself, no faith in my own ability to get myself out of the situation.

Reading comments from married women with decent husbands telling me it was all my own fault didn't help me in any way.

Those comments made me feel even more inadequate, even more powerless.

I'd only ever be kind to somebody in this situation. I'd encourage them not to make a bad situation worse by staying, I'd encourage them to leave. The sooner you start the rest of your life the better off you'll be in five years.

There are a lot of angles to take encouraging somebody to do what's right for them, and a lot of angles to try and make them believe they have the right to put themselves first.

These types of comments will never stop. Since the dawn of mumsnet it's been the same. But they don't help the OP, and as for people reading, they can figure it out from the situation the OP is currently in surely.

Anyway, surely the point of any thread is to help the woman who posted it, in the situation she's in now? Not to help random bystanders in a situation they might be in one day.