Need to tell BF what needs doing around the house, all the time.

[DonkeyDobbler69]

My BF 27 moved into my house 2 years ago and hasn't ever lived on his own. He didn't go to university so he's never lived away from home. His mother remarried and he has never got along with his stepfather and never felt comfortable whilst living at his parent's house.
When he moved into my house I expected some teething problems and that I would need to help him get used to where things lived. This hasn't ever really stopped. All the bills are in my name and I just assumed the role of taking care of the bills because it was something that I had already done for 6 years on my own so I carried on. But around the house, he needs to be told everything and where everything goes. He has been living at my house for 2 years now and still needs to be told where the pans live and that the bedroom needs tidying. He first asked me to tell him what needs doing and he will do it and to start with I was okay with that because it was a new environment. However, if I ask him to do things now he will leave it to the last possible moment before going to bed or argue with me about it till it looks like he is doing me a favour.
I love him so dearly and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but the laziness is starting to get to me. I can’t live with what is essentially a teenager having a tantrum every time I try to get things done around the house.
It's also me who initiates conversations about money and budgeting; it's me who thinks of the shopping list at the end of the week about what we need. It feels like the mental load is becoming too much and I refuse to mother a 27-year-old who should be able to use his eyes and see what needs to be done. Although if I know BF at all he will say sorry and nothing will be done, same as usual.
I suppose I’m stuck, our relationship is amazing. We love each other like no two people could, it feels but the domestic side is just totally one-sided and it feels like I'm mothering him because I have no choice. I worked 12 days out of 14 a few weeks ago and consequently, the house was a total mess because I wasn't home to clean it and his lordship needs to be told what to do like a child.

Any advice?

If your bf is 27 i'm assuming that you are roughly that age too.

IE, young enough to cut your losses.

Presumably you've communicated all this to him?
What was his reaction and response?

@Marzipanmike I've told him this several times and that I feel that this isn't fair to me when I've been working and he's been home all day and left all the jobs till just before he goes to bed. So coming home to a messy house when someone has been home all day.
His reaction was very quiet and he feels bad has a sulk and then gives me a cuddle but doesn't really do anything to show he is sorry. Then we end up having the same conversation again and again.

I had one of those. Similar age. It was a contributory factor in us breaking up.

I suppose you could just have a talk and explain that you feel like the ‘mum’ as you do everything and he must feel like he is a ‘child’ and how that’s not good in a couples relationship.

Ask if he feels like having more say in where things go (like pots or plates in cupboards etc) and when things get done, as well as him taking on some bills, would make him feel more like your partner than a child?

That it was easy for you to continue doing things as it was your house but you want it to feel like his home so what does he want to change to make it fairer?

You could also write up a list of chores on a board with days of the week to indicate when they need done, and a space for initialling when someone does it, as he probably doesn’t know that magical cleaning fairies don’t actually come in overnight and wipe the sides and floor etc…..

I think you will find he has opinions of his own that you will have to fit round Like he hates the couch and wants to buy another one etc.

And that even once you do all this he will still be a lazy git and have excuses as to why the hoovering wasn’t done (PlayStation) or the bins weren’t put out (it’s raining it’ll go off soon) or why there is no milk (we can get some later and then he doesn’t go shopping).
But it’s worth a try.

He sulks, then doesn't do anything? He's not sorry then, he's just annoyed you pulled him up on it again.

OK so he's a manchild.
Your choices (to me) are clear you can either put up with it and get more bitter as the years go by OR break it off with him and find someone with values similar to your own.

[quote DonkeyDobbler69]@Marzipanmike I've told him this several times and that I feel that this isn't fair to me when I've been working and he's been home all day and left all the jobs till just before he goes to bed. So coming home to a messy house when someone has been home all day.
His reaction was very quiet and he feels bad has a sulk and then gives me a cuddle but doesn't really do anything to show he is sorry. Then we end up having the same conversation again and again.[/quote]
Don’t let it end with a sulk and a cuddle. TELL him he needs to DO something. State that you no longer find the situation acceptable, the cycle has been repeated too many times and you need a solution. Work out a chore chart together (do not do this for him) and discuss (and agree) the timeline by which tasks need to be completed.

If he’s not willing to meet you halfway, ask him to move out. You don’t need to break up, but you shouldn’t continue to live like this. He can go live elsewhere by himself and figure out how to adult.

You need to be more forceful in how you advocate for yourself. Stop being worried about upsetting him, as he clearly gives exactly no shits about upsetting you.

I think sometimes the issue can be that the other person (doesn’t have to be a man but often is, not sure why but potentially as little boys are expected to be dirty) genuinely has a lower mess threshold.

So my bf, who lives with me, can be a bit teenagery about chores so I asked him whether he would live in a shit tip if left to his own devices. He said no, but he would probably live in quite a bit of mess during the week and blitz it on the weekend. I believe him and I think other men might be the same or even have longer between blitzes. My bf also doesn’t care if he has to go to the shop to get food every day, when I tell him we should plan/ do a weekly food shop.

So we are coming at things from totally different angles to begin with so I do accept that if I want things a certain way, I will probably end up doing more. I think some women are also more control freaks than men and don’t actually want the reality of someone else trying to help.

The problem with mothering is obviously that’s not sexy for either party.

I would give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

Put it this way. How much can this man love you when he sees you slaving away and he does nothing? Would you do that to someone you love?

@LiveFromNewYork OP’s partner isn’t even blitzing on the weekend, though. He’s doing nothing unless specifically instructed. There’s different standards of living and then there’s just taking the piss. I suspect this is a case of the latter.

It doesn't sound like a particularly 'amazing' relationship so far, so he must have some great qualities to make up for not really caring much about your feelings or having respect for the things that you do for him.

Anyway, you don't want to be his mother, so don't be. Let him suffer the natural consequences of not doing stuff. Don't do anything for him like his laundry or buy groceries that only he likes (special milk or a particular cheese or whatever). Don't pick his discarded clothing/tech/used plates up and put them away, just shove them to the side. Be uninterested when he complains to you, point out that the washing machine is free/the supermarket is till open/he can pick it up if it bothers him.

It can go one of two ways, either he'll realise that the stuff that you do for him isn't trivial and takes time and energy and he will be more appreciated of you and pull his weight more. Or he'll resent you and be miserable and you'll know that he didn't so much love you as love being looked after, and you'll set him free so that you can find someone who loves you for yourself and not the benefits that you provide.

Op, imagine you have a full time job, 2 kids and a house to run And your bf / husband to look after, hand hold, tell him exactly what needs doing around the house and what he can do for the kids every single day.

Don't give up thinking it is the best deal you can have. The future is ahead of you.

Does he work and pay towards bills. I would prefer to live separately and meet for dates once a week.

I beg you to cut your losses now.

It doesn't get better. It usually gets worse. He is selfish, lazy, imature, disrepectful of your time, happy to let you do everything. You'll end up feeling like his mum, and losing all respect for, and attraction to, him.

You've told him your concerns. Not that you should have had to. As a grown man he ought to know what needs doing without being told. But you have told him, and he sulks (yuk, childish and manipulative) then does nothing about it (so doesn't care / can't be arsed).

He has no respect for your feelings, your concerns, the fact you have to work harder than him.

He is showing you who he is. I beg you not to ever have children with someone like this. You will get more and more resentful as you run around after children and a man child. You will become ever more exhausted.

It's deeply unattractive behaviour coming from a grown man. It's also deeply disrespectful. It will eventually kill your feelings for him.

And please be careful when discussing this with him (if you decide to, rather than dumping him which is what I think you should do). Remember that he isn't doing you any favours if he does housework. It isn't helping. He doesn't desesrve thanks or a medal. He is a grown adult who is responsible for the house just as you are. You share the load 50/50 (if you work the same hours; if one you works more hours then the other does more).

Sulking on its own would put me off him. Being lazy and selfish and thinking a woman's job is to run around after a man - YUK.

I'd be telling him that him treating you like his Mother instead of his partner has made your feelings for him change.

Tell him that you're starting to see him as yet another chore to do i.e you need to tell him to do things around your home, that another adult would do naturally.

You are his partner, but he is acting like your child

Tell him

''It's not my job to shop/cook, and your job to eat.
''It's not my job to tidy/clean and your job to relax.
''It's not my job to pay the bills and your job to use the utilities.
''It's not my job to tell you what needs to be done around the house, and your job to procrastinate and sulk and to behave like a child.

''You are either my partner, or my child. Which do you think I actually find attractive and sexy ?'' And which do you think makes me annoyed and decidedly unattractive and unsexy ?''

@MNHQ Please can we have a new category of "My partner is useless around the house" and chuck all these threads in there?
It will be busier than AIBU

Time to throw this one back.

It's not just that he deliberately isn't pulling his weight, he can't have an adult conversation to discuss any issues. Sulking is a big red flag, it's behaviour that's designed to punish you and stop you doing the same thing again. He's telling you with his actions that he wants you to shut up and put up. Domestic stuff is your job to sort.

[quote DonkeyDobbler69]@Marzipanmike I've told him this several times and that I feel that this isn't fair to me when I've been working and he's been home all day and left all the jobs till just before he goes to bed. So coming home to a messy house when someone has been home all day.
His reaction was very quiet and he feels bad has a sulk and then gives me a cuddle but doesn't really do anything to show he is sorry. Then we end up having the same conversation again and again.[/quote]
This sounds just like a 12-year-old whose mum has told him to tidy his bedroom, not a fully functioning adult who should be pulling his weight.

"We love each other like no two people could"

What you describe is not the relationship you paint with these words.

Love is also about respect. It's about caring about your partners happiness and wellbeing, and behaving in ways that reflect that.

Your partner doesn't act like a mature adult in a loving relationship, willingly and consciously shouldering 50% of the physical and mental work needed to run your home together, because he doesn't want to. And clearly doesn't care that this means it all falls to you.

These type of men rarely change, and it's so depressing at the regularity these type of threads are started by women every day here on Mumsnet.

You ask for advice. I'd suggest you put yourself first. What you want is not unreasonable.

Does he have a solid gold cock?
If this is real, then obviously you need to pack his bags.( Assuming you will have to pack them as he won’t pack his own). Life is SHORT, don’t waste it on undeserving men, you will regret it.

Does he work and pay his half of the bills if not why not?

This won’t change. He doesn’t want to change. As said upthread, is this how you see your life now? What do you think will change as and when you add pets or children or additional responsibilities?

Please listen to those of us who thought it would change. We were wrong. You will be wrong too.

Bruce:

@DonkeyDobbler69 "love him so dearly and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else but the laziness is starting to get to me. I can’t live with what is essentially a teenager having a tantrum every time I try to get things done around the house."

If he is is the same after two years, it won't get better, it will get worse.

You have a partner you love who is also a dependent cocklodger. I suggest you ease him back to his mothers where he clearly belongs

I’d end it. He doesn’t care enough about you to pull his weight. 50-50 is not just financial as men would have us believe. It is across the board of every aspect of life.

This will be a million times worse if you have children.

He has had 2 years to get to grips with pulling his weight and nothing has changed. If he was serious about pulling his weight it would have taken 3 months tops. He is stealing your leisure time to increase his own and reducing his stress levels by increasing yours. Not a nice man