Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

confused by note

29 replies

Whattothink65 · 23/01/2022 11:25

DH and I have been together 7 years, newly married. 5 years ago we didn’t live together whilst we waited to buy/move into our flat but had lived together almost since day 1 (at uni together). This caused a huge disruption in our relationship, lots of arguing, almost broke up, quite toxic. We are now happy and have a settled life.

However, I was using the notes app on DH’s phone for something and noticed one from 5 years ago. He doesn’t use notes much (has less that 20 in all these years) but back then had the odd note or two of things I’d said in an argument or something.

This note said something along the lines of “never thought I’d be so disgusted at her own child’s infidelity”. Now I’m confused. This note sounds like something from his mum the way it is written. I’ve checked the date and it is back when he lived with his parents but the date was a weekend when we were together and had a fight whilst drunk. The note was dated (which means last edited/touched) the morning of the Saturday. We’d been arguing Friday night and then ok for the rest of the weekend and went to an event. His parents were away that whole weekend and he didn’t speak to them.

I can’t quite decide what the note means and it’s made me anxious.
Either the note was written before that date but touched on the morning I’ve mentioned because he was doing something else changing the date. It would suggest DH had cheated. He did cheat on his ex but they were never together and it was immature and difficult - he came clean to his mum about that and had told me from the beginning. He was previously so anti cheating and very moral about it which is why his parents were shocked. So it could be in reference to that when arguing with his mum or in reference to me.

It could be that I said something that hurt him in our fight and he wrote it down but the style of language doesn’t make sense to me.

Obviously we are in a good place now and have grown up and don’t argue much. But that whole time still brings me anxiety to think about and I was always really worried he wasn’t being honest (but that was due to baggage from my ex).

DH wouldn’t respond well if I asked him and I’m certain he would simply say he doesn’t remember. If he had cheated, he wouldn’t come out with it now especially with so much to lose.

Any thoughts / advice?

OP posts:
TwigTheWonderKid · 23/01/2022 11:40

Gosh, I'd leave the past in the past.

Original poster
Whattothink65 · 23/01/2022 11:41

@TwigTheWonderKid really? What if it means I’ve been cheated on? I don’t know what I’d do really

OP posts:
DaveGahansRealWife · 23/01/2022 11:48

TBH a man who keeps notes of things I have said in an argument for future use would be shown the door - how immature is that?

In this case I would have to ask him.

Icanseethepigeon · 23/01/2022 11:50

Sounds to me like it referred to his very first infidelity, you know all the detail and know that his Mum was disappointed. The date may just have changed because he went in and looked at it, at that time.

I certainly don't think you can conclude it refers to him cheating on you. And, as hard as it's going to be to rid yourself of the anxiety I would do as PP suggests and try and leave it in the past. It's his phone, his business and you know he won't want to talk about it.

Cas112 · 23/01/2022 11:51

It's a note your never going to make any sense out of 100%

I would leave it

Beowulfthethird · 23/01/2022 11:51

I understand your upset but this keeping notes thing is really, really weird.

Icanseethepigeon · 23/01/2022 11:52

@DaveGahansRealWife

TBH a man who keeps notes of things I have said in an argument for future use would be shown the door - how immature is that?

In this case I would have to ask him.

OP didn't say that he uses what he's written down in future arguments. I make notes too, for a whole other reason and don't use what's been said or noted.
Keepitonthedownlow · 23/01/2022 11:54

Forget about it.

100Cause0ftheSauce · 23/01/2022 11:57

You cannot change the past

Even if you asked him, nobody would be able to recall exactly what they did & said 5 years ago

Leave it alone

grapewine · 23/01/2022 12:00

Leave it.

QforCucumber · 23/01/2022 12:01

I’d let it go too, the thing is - it was 5 years ago, if it did turn out he had cheated back then would you forgive that now? If so what does it matter anyway?

It’s one of those things that you will never actually know the answer to, so your options are to let it eat you up and break you up, or let it go and forget about it.

TinyW · 23/01/2022 12:03

Personally I’d leave it. It was years ago.

DiddyHeck · 23/01/2022 12:04

[quote Whattothink65]**@TwigTheWonderKid really? What if it means I’ve been cheated on? I don’t know what I’d do really[/quote]
Well yes, because you said...

DH wouldn’t respond well if I asked him and I’m certain he would simply say he doesn’t remember. If he had cheated, he wouldn’t come out with it now especially with so much to lose.

So other than ask his mum, what else are you going to do? Either leave the past behind as @TwigTheWonderKid advises, or tackle it.

Original poster
Whattothink65 · 23/01/2022 12:13

Thanks all. I will try to leave it.

He doesn’t use the notes against me. He also only has about 3 notes from anything to do with fighting. The date is when we were both drunk so I assume it was to remember it to talk about it but I can’t really remember the details either.

Going to try not to let it eat away at me

OP posts:
bonetiredwithtwins · 23/01/2022 12:16

You could ask his mother? But honestly what would it achieve? If he has cheated would you leave him? I know if it was me though it would eat me up - I'd have to know

Original poster
Whattothink65 · 23/01/2022 16:13

Him and his mum are NC now (unrelated. She’s awful).

It’s definitely from when we’ve been together because of having an iphone.

It is ENTIRELY plausible that I said something to him spitefully about his mum back then. I would and have before said something about his mum being disgusted in him for cheating on his ex and also if he has cheated on me (I was so convinced at the time he had which is why this is eating at me - my reasons weren’t based on anything though and I had severe baggage from a Narc ex) his mum would be disgusted. The reason I am doubting it’s related to me saying that is because of the wording.

If it was written that night during the fight or because of what I’d said it makes sense as the note is slightly badly written as he was drunk. But it says “never thought I would by that disgusted Her own child’s infidelity”

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 23/01/2022 16:38

Leave it.

DaveGahansRealWife · 23/01/2022 17:50

@Whattothink65

Thanks all. I will try to leave it.

He doesn’t use the notes against me. He also only has about 3 notes from anything to do with fighting. The date is when we were both drunk so I assume it was to remember it to talk about it but I can’t really remember the details either.

Going to try not to let it eat away at me

The note taking is still weird - to remember to talk about something that was said in an argument? 😬
ten987123 · 23/01/2022 18:10

You know how on TV cop shows you get the detective staring pensively at a photo of a suspect trying to figure out what happened? That's how I've been for the past 15 minutes with the wording of this note.

Original poster
Whattothink65 · 23/01/2022 19:33

@ten987123 haha the note is written weirdly but when drunk (if dates are correct)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattothink65 · 23/01/2022 19:34

@DaveGahansRealWife as I said, he did it about 3 times and it’s only ever one sentence to remember how cutting it was verbatim. I write notes every day of everything that happens a bit like a diary so I think he got it from me

OP posts:
DaveGahansRealWife · 24/01/2022 10:16

[quote Whattothink65]@DaveGahansRealWife as I said, he did it about 3 times and it’s only ever one sentence to remember how cutting it was verbatim. I write notes every day of everything that happens a bit like a diary so I think he got it from me[/quote]
Perhaps I am the only person who finds it weird that someone uses notes to remember how cutting a comment was in an argument 🤨 You learn something everyday on here. Perhaps the pair of you need to resolve to start talking things through at the time to reach an amicable solution as opposed to carrying things forward. Good luck OP.

ElectraBlue · 24/01/2022 10:21

You are both immature.

You were snooping on his phone (don't buy the 'I needed Notes for something') and he kept notes from something that happened years ago.

No good will come of talking to him about this now.

girlmom21 · 24/01/2022 10:31

How on earth do you remember the date of an argument you had 5 years ago?

Presumably the note was you having a go at him about you thinking he'd cheated?

SallyWD · 24/01/2022 10:46

So this happened when you were students? To be honest I'd forget about it. Whatever happened then you both seemed to have moved on from. You seem happy and settled now. As long as you don't suspect he would still cheat on you I think it's fine. When people are young they do crazy stuff but I assume he's grown up now. My DH was very young when we got together. I can't be 100% sure nothing happened in those early, wild days of non-stop partying. The fact is he's matured a lot and is a wonderful husband and dad and 100% faithful.