confused by note

[Whattothink65]

DH and I have been together 7 years, newly married. 5 years ago we didn’t live together whilst we waited to buy/move into our flat but had lived together almost since day 1 (at uni together). This caused a huge disruption in our relationship, lots of arguing, almost broke up, quite toxic. We are now happy and have a settled life.

However, I was using the notes app on DH’s phone for something and noticed one from 5 years ago. He doesn’t use notes much (has less that 20 in all these years) but back then had the odd note or two of things I’d said in an argument or something.

This note said something along the lines of “never thought I’d be so disgusted at her own child’s infidelity”. Now I’m confused. This note sounds like something from his mum the way it is written. I’ve checked the date and it is back when he lived with his parents but the date was a weekend when we were together and had a fight whilst drunk. The note was dated (which means last edited/touched) the morning of the Saturday. We’d been arguing Friday night and then ok for the rest of the weekend and went to an event. His parents were away that whole weekend and he didn’t speak to them.

I can’t quite decide what the note means and it’s made me anxious.
Either the note was written before that date but touched on the morning I’ve mentioned because he was doing something else changing the date. It would suggest DH had cheated. He did cheat on his ex but they were never together and it was immature and difficult - he came clean to his mum about that and had told me from the beginning. He was previously so anti cheating and very moral about it which is why his parents were shocked. So it could be in reference to that when arguing with his mum or in reference to me.

It could be that I said something that hurt him in our fight and he wrote it down but the style of language doesn’t make sense to me.

Obviously we are in a good place now and have grown up and don’t argue much. But that whole time still brings me anxiety to think about and I was always really worried he wasn’t being honest (but that was due to baggage from my ex).

DH wouldn’t respond well if I asked him and I’m certain he would simply say he doesn’t remember. If he had cheated, he wouldn’t come out with it now especially with so much to lose.

Any thoughts / advice?

I came here to say exactly that @girlmom21How do you know the date of the argument OP?
This all sounds crazy! The whole taking notes, reading notes, remembering dates of arguments, it sounds so toxic and paranoid, not like a healthy relationship at all.
The note must be of something you said to him about his mum? Either way I don’t think you can carry on worrying about things like this. You need to move forward and trust him or break up with him.

The note only says the one line I mentioned.

I know the date of everything really. I have a very good memory. But I remember what we did on the date of the note because it was an important date. Which is why I remember we went out and I remember the bad argument.

I was a student and he had just finished but yes both young. I was in an awful place and recovered through therapy.

I take notes of everything - it is something I began doing when my ex gaslighted me - I have always had an astounding memory so when I was told I was wrong I began doubting myself. I was 16 when that started with an older man. It was awful and now I am always worried I’ll betray my memory so I write everything down on my phone instead of a book as I feel it’s protected.

I wasn’t looking specifically at the notes app, I was using the Siri search bar to get up an app and in the recommended it had that note as there were some similar letters.

I know I need to forget it and I’m doing better today.

I think the worry is that if his mum does know something it’ll come out in a horrible way because they are now NC and she blames me. (I have nothing to actually do with it)

At the end of the day, even if he as a student was unfaithful on a night out or whatever - he was so young and it was so long ago. lots of us did things like that in relationships in uni because we were still figuring out how to be good humans and didn’t know our limits, surrounded by other young people with similar issues. The difference is most of us aren’t still with those uni romances, so the unwise decisions of our youth can’t come back to haunt us.

If he is a mature adult now and you have built a life together and you trust him, then does him hooking up with someone when he was drunk and 19 really matter?

I’d leave it too. Easier said than done though I know!