Partner of 17 years cheated

[KaidensMum12]

I was with my partner since I was 13 years old I am now 30. We have 2 children together aged 6&2. I found out 2 weeks ago he had been messaging and meeting another woman.

Background- he was literally my first love, my best friend and what I thought was my soul mate. We got together really young but it was always me and him against the world. When I was 18 I fell pregnant and I had what was called a molar pregnancy, I had to have chemotherapy for 12 weeks after. We had a few miscarriages after that but went on to have 2 successful pregnancies. Times have been hard but we always got through.

Throughout the years like most couples we had our ups and downs but always got through it making us stronger. We've had people try and break us up in the past by spreading rumours etc but again never broke us.

Over the last few months it hasn't been great, Iv been working 3 jobs, looking after our children, running the house, making sure he was looked after and ok as he seemed down. I kind of felt like I was drowning with so much going on. I am far from a selfish person and always put him and the children first but I wouldn't have it any other way. Our children are not great sleepers so we got in the rut of sleeping separately with each of our children. At the time it worked as we all got a good night sleep but now I know that was probably the reason he has done what his done.

We both had a conversation and agreed we needed some help so we spoke to our drs and was prescribed sertraline. Things started to get a little easier and we pulled together as a team.

So over Christmas and new year we were getting along. He bought me a new car and we got our family dog. I thought things were ok but he kept going out a lot, randomly sneaking off saying he just needed to pop out but was gone over 2 hours, very secretive with his phone, pushing me away, playing the depressed card saying he needs to change and make money and get away on his own etc. I kept reassuring him everything would be ok and to not push me away and that if he needs anything he knows I'm here. I carried on struggling making ends meet with my jobs and the children.

Then one morning I just had a feeling that something wasn't right so I took his phone and went through it. There was extra passcodes to get into his what's app which I thought was strange. I got into the messages and there they were. Messages to another woman. He was telling her he loved her, how beautiful she is, felt like he won the lottery meeting her, discussing family trips away with our children her and her child, arranging meet ups, booking time off work to spend the day with her, telling her about how he can't wait to be hers properly, discussing sex etc. She was also in a relationship of 8 years and had a child with him. She broke it off with her partner the day before I found out.

When I confronted him he didn't know what to say other than he was sorry. He admitted it and said there was nothing sexual just a kiss. He was taking our son to a football match that afternoon so whilst he was gone I packed his stuff and took it all to his mums house. I spoke to her on the phone but she didn't give me much she wouldn't even tell me her name. All she told me was it had only been 4-6 weeks and that she was sorry. My partner didn't go back to his mums that whole weekend and woundnt answer his phone. It turned out she had paid for a hotel for him so he could get away and clear his head. He is adamant she was not there. I do not believe this. He has even lied saying she lives far away when I know that's not the case. I tried calling him a week later and she answered his phone. When I confronted him about this he kept saying she didn't and I am crazy but I clearly heard her. I don't know if she answered his phone without him knowing so he just turned on me making me out to be crazy and accusing him again.

I have had my good days where I think I'm ok but obviously Iv been having really bad days where I miss him. I have messaged a few times asking if he would speak to me face to face to give me some answers and some closure on our 17 years together but he won't have none of it. In actual fact he is being nothing but rude to me telling me this is my fault, I never showed him love, I took him for granted, im controlling etc I have told him I would love nothing more than for us to have some time apart to sort ourselves out then maybe start dating again to try get that spark back but he is just nasty saying I need to get it into my head we are over and he can do what he wants now.

I really don't know what I'm asking but I just don't know what way to turn. This is pain I have never ever felt before. My heart physically hurts. It is like I am grieving for my best friend. To be honest I don't know if I would ever be able to trust him again and I don't know if we would ever be the same again but at the same time I just miss him and us and our family so much. I don't understand how he is treating my like I never existed, no respect for my feelings or well being. It's like I don't know who he is anymore. It's so heart breaking. I think it would of been a bit easier if we had just broken up but knowing there is someone else is just killing me.

Does anyone have any advice? Been in the same situation? Does it get easier? What do I do going forward?

Sorry it was a long read x

@Rummikub I'm sorry you've been through this to! I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy it's awful and a rubbish situation.

I still have so many questions but in time im just learning to deal with the fact that there is no point as I know I won't get the truth. It's the lies and deceit that's hurting right now.

10 years gosh! I have no hope this is going to get easier! See my friends say the same about him wanting to return. I just can't see it. Especially if Iv got my strong head on and not contacting him. He will just push me away more. X

[quote KaidensMum12]@Sunnydays78 I have all that sorted thankfully. He said he will financially help towards the children but I'm not getting my hopes up and relying on him x[/quote]
Help towards his children?

He should be paying proper maintenance? Can you go to CSA or is he self-employed? (He'll hide his money if he is)

Has he even seen his children since you found him out?

Just be prepared though in case he does.

I was stuck for ten years in the why and how. I really should’ve posted on here and got some sensible straight talking instead of stewing in my head.By ours already doing well by posting here!

Right now it’s raw. So no pressure and do simple things. Staying at your parents helps so do that.

You do need to get the finances sorted though. Get him off bills, council tax - claim single persons rate, maintenance. Take it one step at a time.

Get the house keys back/ change locks if need to,

I remember my ex saying he would baby sit the dc. I said you don’t baby sit your own children! They have a different perspective. So no he isn’t ‘helping’you with money for your dc- they are jointly his responsibility.

You are grieving and it bloody hurts, but as others have said take care of your self, try to eat if you can and take comfort from your children.

It's understsndable that you now question your whole relationships but dont allow him that power. You know that you had wonderful years and even if more recently things have been tough he us rewriting history to to salve his conscience.

If he were to tell the truth, which is "my wife is marvous, but with small children we are tired andife has lost some excitement and we are I a bit of a rut so I decided to shag about" he would sound like the #unt he is.

I agree, see if you can get you doctor to prescribe something for the anxiety, it will help. When you are able start to take some positive pracrical steps like applying for single person discount on your Council tax, going on child maintenance calculator, seeing if you would be entitled to any benefits and ultimately speaking to a solicitor. Once you get the ball rolling and take charge you won't fe anywhere near as scared. You have got this

Sorry for the dreadful typos

So sorry love,

You'll be okay @KaidensMum12.
A couple of my friends went through similar, husbands ran off with other women leaving a devastated wife with the children. On both occasions the husbands were the ones crying, saying they were sorry and wanted everything back as it was, whilst the wives made the decision they were happier without them.

Please don't let him dictate what happens next. Take charge. Get finances in order. Get cms arranged.

Don't do the pick me dance. It just gives him more power over you.

Google grey rock and try to have as little contact with him as possible. Rely on your friends and family for support.

You will survive this xx

@KaidensMum12 Google Surviving Infidelity Healing Library, there are lots of resources there to help you.

Surviving infidelity is a website. Another helpful website is chump lady, which is the website of the woman who wrote ‘leave a cheater gain a life’, both of websites will help you right now.

I’m glad you’re starting to work on your mental health, you need to be a lioness for your children right now and make sure he gives you what your children need.

Talk children and finances only.

Get all the emotional support you need, weep and wail with your friends (who sound like a great group).

If you love inspirational quotes follow Charlie makesy on Twitter, and look at his book ‘the boy, the fox, the mole and the horse’, so much strength and wisdom in his drawings and quotes.

You can do this, you’re stronger than you possibly know! x

Horrible. While it's not perhaps altogether surprising that a relationship which began in your very early teens, has run its course, he's (predictably) behaving like a total dickhead.
Don't preoccupy yourself with thoughts of 'taking time apart', 'dating' and 'rekindling the spark'. It'll be torture, and pointless to boot. Start preparing for a new life. You're so bloody young. It's all out there for you. And make sure he maintains the children, the turd.

@Nanny0gg he won't have an adult conversation with me. So we are yet to discuss what he'll be paying for his children each month. He said he will but he also said a lot of other things and hasn't stuck to it so I don't know.

@Rummikub

Yeah I am going to just take each day as it comes. It's so hard to be strong with young children but I guess they are the only ones keeping me going.

I have spoken to universal credit, council tax and joint bills that we have. He has now been removed.

My ex says that all the time even when we weren't together it's so frustrating isn't it. Yeah your right! I will say that next time he says he will help.

@Pastryapronsucks

Thank you for your reply. Yeah it does really hurt. Iv never felt pain like this. It's awful. My heart physically hurts. I have just got to take a day at a time. I'm so up and down at the minute and don't know which way to turn or how to approach it all or ever what way to turn.

"If he were to tell the truth, which is "my wife is marvous, but with small children we are tired andife has lost some excitement and we are I a bit of a rut so I decided to shag about" he would sound like the #unt he is. " THIS IS SO SO TRUE!!

My doctor has already put me back on sertraline so that's a start and then I got healthy minds calling me tomorrow for a phone consultation. I have also spoke to the bills people and had him removed and told them he no longer lives here so I have taken that step. X

@ANameChangeAgain

I hope so. I just can't believe I'm in this situation. I have always been there for my friends who have been through it. He always reassured me he would never ever do this to me. But the fact his now turning this on me and making me feel like I am to blame is awful.

Sorry to hear your friends went through this. I'm so glad your friends had the strength to not let them back and I hope I have the strength if that happens to me. I just can't see him coming back. He is being so nasty and acting like I don't exsist anymore. He is just loving life doing what he wants whilst I'm here with my children making sure they feel loved and safe. It's so hard when I'm breaking inside. X

Well done! You’ve got to a flying start!

Try the cms calculator. That will give you the minimum figure for maintenance. If you’re happy with that then go straight to cba. If not then go to him with a figure. Pros and cons to both.
My ex used to pay more than cms. Now he has refused to pay at all and owes me 1000s.

Each step you take makes you stronger x

@Ladybugzrock Thank you so much I will have a look now. X

I predict one or more of these things happening:
He will eventually look up and realise you are not chasing him and he will try and come back.
He’ll tell you it was a mistake (no it wasn’t)

He will be happy with eow contact.
Then he will push for more custody (to reduce maintenance/ exert control)

They are ridiculous and don’t consider consequences.

It hurts less over time. Promise x

@Rummikub I really can't see him trying to fight for me to come back. He has made this all about him and blamed this all on me. He is so nasty. If for a miracle he does, I truly hope I have the courage to say actually no I'm better on my own. Even if it's to make him feel how I'm feeling right now. I have put up with a lot from him and let things slide when I shouldn't of. Now this situation is out of my control. I think I would feel better if there wasn't someone else you know. Like if he just wanted to get away to clear his head. The thought of him with someone else makes me feel physically sick. It's always just been me and him and now there is someone else 💔

Hi lovely. My ex left me for another woman last year, we had been together since I was 16 and I've just turned 30. One son together who he just upped and left behind too. I know how awful it is, how painful it is and I understand every thought that's going through your head just now.

From someone that has been through similar to you, my advice is to stop contacting him. Its so fucking hard when they've been the other half of you for so long, the person you turn to and tell everything to. Write your thoughts on here, leave him alone. He will want you to be chasing him. Please use every bit of your willpower not to.

He will attempt to rewrite history and pretend he wasn't happy with you, just to try and make himself feel slightly better about what he's doing. This is the usual story with cheaters and it's all bullshit.

Get maintenance nailed down ASAP. First sign of refusal to pay by him then get cms to deduct from his wages. Making sure he's providing for his kids is a priority.

If you ever want to talk, pm me. I know exactly where your head is at. I'm so sorry

Similar story here. High school sweethearts. Got together far too young for such an intense relationship. We had babies and we married. He cheated, downplayed it when I found out. I took him back because I was so terrified of being alone, being lonely, him loving someone else more than me. Them having a future together. So painful to think of it.
It took 3 years of me working hard at out relationship to feel 'better'. It was an awful time for me. A rollercoaster of emotions, mostly very hard for me. I slowly rebuild some trust (not 100%). A year on from feeling more settled and close to him... you guessed it... he did it again.
How I wished I hadn't wasted my time and mental health trying to recover from the first time!

Be strong OP. He will miss you and come crawling back. But look at this as an opportunity!! I have since met a wonderful man, I'm 32 now and we have a far more grown up relationship that's not rooted in 'when we were at school' nonsense. I genuinely connect with this man intellectually and emotionally and the sex is like nothing I ever experienced before. I am so grateful now that I broadened my horizons. He is a real man.

This isn't the end for you & love. There will be someone else out there who will love you, if that's something you might want to explore in the future. You can be a brilliant mum to your DC and find yourself a little along the way too. Life is so short why limit yourself to this cheater, he clearly wasn't happy. He broke the relationship. But you can heal and one day be very happy again.

Getting back together may seem like the easier option, working on it and hopefully getting back on track. But it's so, so much harder than that. That's what I'm trying to say in a long winded way!

[quote KaidensMum12]@Rummikub I really can't see him trying to fight for me to come back. He has made this all about him and blamed this all on me. He is so nasty. If for a miracle he does, I truly hope I have the courage to say actually no I'm better on my own. Even if it's to make him feel how I'm feeling right now. I have put up with a lot from him and let things slide when I shouldn't of. Now this situation is out of my control. I think I would feel better if there wasn't someone else you know. Like if he just wanted to get away to clear his head. The thought of him with someone else makes me feel physically sick. It's always just been me and him and now there is someone else 💔[/quote]
I get that x
I felt the same. He pretty much told me he was unhappy all our marriage, and that she looked after her looks etc
When I stopped chasing and asking he made moves to repair. It was months later.

Just be prepared in case.

Guys like this generally go mad and try to come back when you move on and start seeing another man eventually. He can dump you and get with other people but you can't. He'll then do whatever he can to get you back in his palm (though rarely dumping the other woman properly; they usually string both women along if they can). He's ok now because you (his "property" is in shock, horrified, on the back foot, devastated, would probablytake him back if he went etc. He thinks, whether true or not, that you're still in his palm and he could have you in a second if he wanted and said the right things. When he thinks that's not quite the case anymore (usually if he finds out you're seeing someone) he'll get territorial and do whatever he thinks will get his grip back. You're supposed to be the celibate, maternal ex, hankering after him, accommodating him, and being the "good girl".

I've seen guys do this numerous times, and sadly I saw them mess with the heads of their childhood sweetheart exes, string them along, drag them back in (though often not actually get back into a proper relationship with them) and cause them to wreck their chances of a good, solid new relationship. They use their children, and criticism of them as Mums to manipuate them and keep them in line too.

Two other things Op;

"Ups and downs, got through them" etc .... in my experience on here, this usually ends up actually meaning "he acted like a bastard, he had dalliances, but i let them go, the relationship survived so i saw that as "us" getting through things.

"People tried to break us up with rumours" ... rumours often have foundation. Were they really disproven or did he convince you they were lies and people being jealous, and people trying to break you up?

He and the relationship sound nowhere near as strong, great, or fair as you'd like to think.

In any case, he may try to come back (in some way) in the longer term; don't let him.

Hi OP

I've read your OP and updates and think when you read back you'll realise it wasn't the best relationship to start with. People spreading rumours about you to split you up sounds suspicious. He sounds like he massively took advantage of you - you have kids, worked 3 jobs and put everyone else first but he says you took him for granted? You were trying to help his "depression" while he was looking elsewhere...what did he do to try and mend things before they got bad? Anyway I just wanted to say that I know that you might not see it now but one day you'll realise that he didnt deserve you and you're better off without him

On a practical note, I’d prioritise sorting out your child maintenance via the CMS. My ex also kept saying he would ‘sort something out’ with regard to payments. He never did and consequently I received nothing for the first 3 months. The CMS date your claim from the time you applied and will calculate your payments from that point onwards, but not from before. Wish I’d applied sooner,

From your posts it sounds as though you made much more effort in the relationship than he did. You worked 3 jobs. Done the lionshare at home. You refer to looking after him. It reads as though you've worked (literally worked) much harder than him.

Maybe if he'd pulled his weight the emotional side wouldn't have drifted.

In any case, there is no excuse for his affair. He is 100% in the wrong and he is desperately trying to put the blame on you, as pp said, otherwise would be to admit what a cruel arse he is.

You say you worry about being alone, but I think your life will suddenly become easier. You've been doing 3 jobs, looking after a house, children and this man. Without him to worry about / look after, your life will actually be easier.

He doesn't deserve you. I beg you not to even consider taking him back. Give yourelf time and you'll realise your life is much better without him.